Tonight while out walking my dog for a quick pee break before bed a train was roaring down the tracks. My apartment is close to the tracks and often you feel the vibrations before you hear the train. When outside you hear the train first. On this rainy night we heard the roar and then saw the lights approaching from behind the evergreens. Since it was nighttime the train was traveling fast.
I have always been fascinated by trains. Model trains as a young boy, trains as depicted in movies, trains I have waited for behind the crossing gates and flashing lights and the first class car on the Via Rail when we would travel from Quebec City to Montreal for a day of shopping. Trains have always been romantic and also sorrowful.
I loved the stories of how the railroad was built across this country. I love the songs that have been inspired by the building of the railroad. The people who built the railroad including the Chinese workers who toiled to make the railroad what it was in it's day. I dislike that they were discriminated against after their work was completed and not allowed to settle in areas where they had built the railroad. California's Anti-Coolie Act of 1862 and the federal Chinese Exclusion Act of 1882 contributed to the curtailment of Chinese immigration to the United States.
Tonight with the speed of the train I was thinking of all the peoples who were taken to Nazi Death Camps. Jews, homosexuals, developmentally disabled and physically handicapped that were exterminated. Other nights I think of dining cars and elegant travel. Leaving Paris on the Orient Express for adventures yet discovered. This night and the speed and sound of the train made me think of sadness and atrocity.
Desperate to be a Eunuch
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tugon (imported)
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Riverwind (imported)
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Re: Desperate to be a Eunuch
I also have a love of trains, HO model railroad, I had one in st louis but its now in a tub, no room here.
I love to travel by train, better then bus or plane. Several years ago there was this dinner train here in the twin cities, its gone now, but it had 5 or 6 dinning cars and as the train traveled at about 2 miles an hour it went down a track forgotten to its end then return to the start in about 3 hours. The food was 5 star, and where can you go by a group of teens that moon you as pass by.
River
I love to travel by train, better then bus or plane. Several years ago there was this dinner train here in the twin cities, its gone now, but it had 5 or 6 dinning cars and as the train traveled at about 2 miles an hour it went down a track forgotten to its end then return to the start in about 3 hours. The food was 5 star, and where can you go by a group of teens that moon you as pass by.
River
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graylayer02 (imported)
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Re: Desperate to be a Eunuch
(snip)
If you travel through Europe enough by train, you'll see some vintage-looking boxcars once in a while. It does make you wonder.
Normally I associate the train with going into the city when I was a kid, sometimes to visit my dad at the office. That was always a good thing. Ah, the smell of Starbucks and cigars in the morning. That meant money.
tugon (imported) wrote: Fri May 20, 2011 7:08 pm Tonight with the speed of the train I was thinking of all the peoples who were taken to Nazi Death Camps. Jews, homosexuals, developmentally disabled and physically handicapped that were exterminated. Other nights I think of dining cars and elegant travel. Leaving Paris on the Orient Express for adventures yet discovered. This night and the speed and sound of the train made me think of sadness and atrocity.
If you travel through Europe enough by train, you'll see some vintage-looking boxcars once in a while. It does make you wonder.
Normally I associate the train with going into the city when I was a kid, sometimes to visit my dad at the office. That was always a good thing. Ah, the smell of Starbucks and cigars in the morning. That meant money.
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tugon (imported)
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Re: Desperate to be a Eunuch
Living in a rather small city eventually you will bump into many old ghosts. As I have mentioned before that with my low self esteem and sex addiction I rarely said no. Of course most do not know I am a eunuch today so when they bump into me they are expecting the old me.
Tuesday evening after work I stopped at a restaurant specializing in fried chicken. I was pleased to see I was the only one dining in since most of their business is drive-thru. Then all of a sudden a man walks in and I am hoping he gets his order to go. I felt concern for him since he was so heavy he had trouble walking. He looks over and recognizes me instantly. All of a sudden it dawns on me who he is.
Years ago when I sold audio equipment for a living there was a very athletic young man who did the stores deliveries. We began to go to a bar right next to the appliance/audio store after work. One thing led to another and we ended up seeing each other for a brief time. At least until he married a woman. I am not sure what all happened but he is not the person I knew back then.
He made the local paper for his involvement with drugs. He quit his job and let the wife support him. They are divorced now. He has not worked for years and lives in her basement. His family is no longer willing to try and help because help can so easily become enabling. He wore them out.
Well he sat down at my table and made small talk. All of a sudden he grinned and asked "what I did for fun these days"? I told him "I just walk my dog and keep to myself". That put an end to the discussion.
Tuesday evening after work I stopped at a restaurant specializing in fried chicken. I was pleased to see I was the only one dining in since most of their business is drive-thru. Then all of a sudden a man walks in and I am hoping he gets his order to go. I felt concern for him since he was so heavy he had trouble walking. He looks over and recognizes me instantly. All of a sudden it dawns on me who he is.
Years ago when I sold audio equipment for a living there was a very athletic young man who did the stores deliveries. We began to go to a bar right next to the appliance/audio store after work. One thing led to another and we ended up seeing each other for a brief time. At least until he married a woman. I am not sure what all happened but he is not the person I knew back then.
He made the local paper for his involvement with drugs. He quit his job and let the wife support him. They are divorced now. He has not worked for years and lives in her basement. His family is no longer willing to try and help because help can so easily become enabling. He wore them out.
Well he sat down at my table and made small talk. All of a sudden he grinned and asked "what I did for fun these days"? I told him "I just walk my dog and keep to myself". That put an end to the discussion.
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tugon (imported)
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Re: Desperate to be a Eunuch
I truly had the best of intentions today. Today was my first weekday off in a very long time and I thought of some fun things to do. Other than some clothes shopping activities the day did not turn out as planned.
I have been enjoying Corky, the dog I adopted, so much that I made a small donation to be a member of the Humane Society. I also decided to donate to the care of a pet who is yet to be adopted. While doing this I thought it might be fun to take Corky to visit and show them how well he is doing. Since it was a nice day all the dogs were in the outside portion of their pens. Not thinking as Corky and I approached the dogs began barking wildly. All of a sudden Corky froze and would not step onto the sidewalk leading to the entrance. I thought this odd since he has never been afraid of other dogs. Then it hit me that he might be afraid I was taking him back. That would never happen and the way the dogs were barking I think now they were warning him to make a break for it. Sorry Corky I did not think.
On the way home I thought we could walk around Moundbuilders Park. He has not been there since he has been with me. There were about 10 cars but no picnic tables in use. I parked away from the other vehicles in my usual way. As we walked Corky led us past the cars following a scent. All were filled with men staring at the outhouse. Hell I did not know the cruise park had changed. Why am I not getting the notices. As we walked I was sadly the youngest, best looking and thinnest man in the park. There are not many places that holds true but at that park I could feel good about me. As a eunuch I am sure I was not the best hung. Still at 6 ft., 248 lbs., 55 years old I was the eye candy. All that I have been through in various forms of sexual abuse I would not have stopped at that park had I known. I also would not like people wondering what I was up to walking around. Like having been recently flashed being hit on would have been uncomfortable.
Well after those two errors in judgment I told Corky we would go home and he could have a bath. I thought I was ready to bathe him without assistance or taking him to a professional groomer. Let us call that idea strike three for the day. I had filled the tub with a few inches of warm water and lowered Corky into the tub. Well he panicked when he could not get his footing in the tub. Finally he was on all fours and I began to apply some water to his back. I went to reach for his shampoo and when I turned back he was gone. Damn he is fast. Of late he has initiated playing hide and seek. He hid behind the magazine rack and against that side of the couch and let out a soft bark so I would look for him. Next he ran under the bed and softly barked. Well as wet as he was I am not really sure where he went to hide. He did not bark so I could not find him.
Corky is now sleeping soundly on my bed. I am sure he is resting up to take me for a long walk. We walk for 1 hour in the morning, 1 1/2 hours around 6 PM and then for 1/2 hour before bed. Of course on days off he gets an extra walk but it will never again be at that park.
I have been enjoying Corky, the dog I adopted, so much that I made a small donation to be a member of the Humane Society. I also decided to donate to the care of a pet who is yet to be adopted. While doing this I thought it might be fun to take Corky to visit and show them how well he is doing. Since it was a nice day all the dogs were in the outside portion of their pens. Not thinking as Corky and I approached the dogs began barking wildly. All of a sudden Corky froze and would not step onto the sidewalk leading to the entrance. I thought this odd since he has never been afraid of other dogs. Then it hit me that he might be afraid I was taking him back. That would never happen and the way the dogs were barking I think now they were warning him to make a break for it. Sorry Corky I did not think.
On the way home I thought we could walk around Moundbuilders Park. He has not been there since he has been with me. There were about 10 cars but no picnic tables in use. I parked away from the other vehicles in my usual way. As we walked Corky led us past the cars following a scent. All were filled with men staring at the outhouse. Hell I did not know the cruise park had changed. Why am I not getting the notices. As we walked I was sadly the youngest, best looking and thinnest man in the park. There are not many places that holds true but at that park I could feel good about me. As a eunuch I am sure I was not the best hung. Still at 6 ft., 248 lbs., 55 years old I was the eye candy. All that I have been through in various forms of sexual abuse I would not have stopped at that park had I known. I also would not like people wondering what I was up to walking around. Like having been recently flashed being hit on would have been uncomfortable.
Well after those two errors in judgment I told Corky we would go home and he could have a bath. I thought I was ready to bathe him without assistance or taking him to a professional groomer. Let us call that idea strike three for the day. I had filled the tub with a few inches of warm water and lowered Corky into the tub. Well he panicked when he could not get his footing in the tub. Finally he was on all fours and I began to apply some water to his back. I went to reach for his shampoo and when I turned back he was gone. Damn he is fast. Of late he has initiated playing hide and seek. He hid behind the magazine rack and against that side of the couch and let out a soft bark so I would look for him. Next he ran under the bed and softly barked. Well as wet as he was I am not really sure where he went to hide. He did not bark so I could not find him.
Corky is now sleeping soundly on my bed. I am sure he is resting up to take me for a long walk. We walk for 1 hour in the morning, 1 1/2 hours around 6 PM and then for 1/2 hour before bed. Of course on days off he gets an extra walk but it will never again be at that park.
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butterflyjack (imported)
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Re: Desperate to be a Eunuch
Beautiful doggie story Tugone...Is that avatar picture Corky? If so, he's a beagle and my Molly is 1/2 beagle and 1/2 shih tzu (bizarre)..She looks like a long haired, fan tailed beagle...Same black tan brown and white....
Sad and scary stuff with the fat druggie and the outhouse people...
smooches dragonfly
Sad and scary stuff with the fat druggie and the outhouse people...
smooches dragonfly
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tugon (imported)
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Re: Desperate to be a Eunuch
butterflyjack (imported) wrote: Tue Jun 07, 2011 4:42 pm Beautiful doggie story Tugone...Is that avatar picture Corky? If so, he's a beagle and my Molly is 1/2 beagle and 1/2 shih tzu (bizarre)..She looks like a long haired, fan tailed beagle...Same black tan brown and white....
Sad and scary stuff with the fat druggie and the outhouse people...
smooches dragonfly
Thanks for your post dragonfly.
Yes that is Corky a beagle mix. He has some hound in him. He has that great deep yelp of a hound.
As a eunuch I am surprised how people from my past can remind me of how I had been. Of course they have no idea of the person I am today. Sadly they think I am still ready to pleasure them. I would at least like to date a man who is employed and could once in a while take me out or buy a flower.
I think I have trouble in todays situation since I was molested young and the man seemed much older. Older men being sexual I find unsettling. I know that is not fair and I cannot figure out any other reason for my reaction. Who knows I am still trying to figure everything out.
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butterflyjack (imported)
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Re: Desperate to be a Eunuch
Good luck on finding Sir Galahad, Tugone. I don't think it's a stretch to ask for a little human kindness.. At the age of 65, I still don't know what I am...
Crossdresser...Yes.. Loves women..yes...So, what's that? a male lesbian? hehe Works for me...What a bizarre life...dragonfly
Crossdresser...Yes.. Loves women..yes...So, what's that? a male lesbian? hehe Works for me...What a bizarre life...dragonfly
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nullorchis (imported)
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Re: Desperate to be a Eunuch
Your stories about visiting the dog adoption center and the park made me think about the old saying; You can never go back.
Yes, you can go back physically, but if where you go to has not changed, you have.
And if where you go back to has changed, so have you.
So, you can go back to a place, but not to the past, at least not physically.
Only in memories.
And what I find so frustrating is that memories I do not want to remember, I DO remember, and things I want to remember I can't remember.
Not fair.
We are shaped by each and every one of our experiences.
So, by taking control of today and exposing ourselves to developmental and positive experiences is perhaps our best chance of doing what is called "Moving On". Sometimes I do try and focus ONLY on the good things that have happened to me in my life. Such thoughts don't come natural; seems like the bad things that have happened take front row in my thoughts. But when the ME, MYSELF, and I of my existence, the Who I Want To Be takes charge, I actually do have success at pushing asunder those bad and negative thoughts, and think of my happy past, and plunder forward to make today, one day at a time, a good day. Not that this happens every day, but the more it happens it encourages me to do it more often.
In fact, most days of our lives are neutral. Few days are really horrible, or really good. The good doesn't seem to naturally mold us as much as the bad.
It takes a concerted effort to let the good experiences influence us more than the bad experiences.
Yes, you can go back physically, but if where you go to has not changed, you have.
And if where you go back to has changed, so have you.
So, you can go back to a place, but not to the past, at least not physically.
Only in memories.
And what I find so frustrating is that memories I do not want to remember, I DO remember, and things I want to remember I can't remember.
Not fair.
We are shaped by each and every one of our experiences.
So, by taking control of today and exposing ourselves to developmental and positive experiences is perhaps our best chance of doing what is called "Moving On". Sometimes I do try and focus ONLY on the good things that have happened to me in my life. Such thoughts don't come natural; seems like the bad things that have happened take front row in my thoughts. But when the ME, MYSELF, and I of my existence, the Who I Want To Be takes charge, I actually do have success at pushing asunder those bad and negative thoughts, and think of my happy past, and plunder forward to make today, one day at a time, a good day. Not that this happens every day, but the more it happens it encourages me to do it more often.
In fact, most days of our lives are neutral. Few days are really horrible, or really good. The good doesn't seem to naturally mold us as much as the bad.
It takes a concerted effort to let the good experiences influence us more than the bad experiences.
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JessJames1968 (imported)
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Re: Desperate to be a Eunuch
nullorchis (imported) wrote: Wed Jun 08, 2011 4:56 am The good doesn't seem to naturally mold us as much as the bad.
It takes a concerted effort to let the good experiences influence us more than the bad experiences.
I think it may be part human nature to focus on the negative in an effort to avoid those scenarios in the future. I suspect it was a survival skill of sorts when the human race was still in the "hunter / gatherer" stage of development.
The problem with that logic is (01) it is no longer totally necessary and (02) that it can tend to bring more of the same feelings and scenarios. Conversely, making the effort, as you mention, to allow the positive be the driving influence will tend to bring more of the positive feelings and scenarios.
Is it possible that part of our lesson for this journey is to change that thought pattern?