Desperate to be a Eunuch

[tugon (imported)]

Well I finally did it. Long overdue but better now then never. Stagnate I was becoming stagnate. When alone I could live without issues. Next to someone in bed I had to deal with the panic. I had to have the talk. This is my history and why part of me wants to run out of the house, get in the car and drive away. The talk that lets them know it is nothing they did but hurt from the past. They did not cause the pain but chances are it will effect them. Warning, warning Wil Robinson there is much emotional baggage.

EA is my first love and has helped me heal and I am a happy eunuch. What I am doing now is joining a male rape survivors web site. I will be able to deal with both childhood sexual abuses along with my adult victimizations. Sadly there are many with similar stories that I can learn from and share. I need to do this work so I can reach the level of happiness that began with my becoming a eunuch. Gepetto I want to be a real eunuch. I have felt in some ways wooden and empty. I want to integrate all of myself.

I will still visit the EA and post and with my current situation have been enjoying much time in chat. My EA friends are very important to me. My perspective of late has been more victim than eunuch has and this told me I still had work to do. I will be working hard to make this last part of my life the happiest yet.

[tugon (imported)]

It’s 52 years do you know where your inner child is? I do not and I was looking for him. I felt the need to connect my child self with my adult self. I spent a lot of time writing my three types of childhood memories. Memories that I do remember, memories that I have heard repeated by others and memories that have come from dreams all were in the log. Sadly what I remember without the aid of dreams or as told by others were mostly violent, scary and humiliating. I worked hard to try to uncover more memories. What I think happened is that for that time I locked into the emotional state of the age when that happened. I was small, helpless and crying most of the time. I needed to be hugged and I bought myself a mommy Panda bear holding her cub in a tight embrace. If there was no one to hug me at least I had something to hug.

Another interesting thought was a time when I was writing an erotic story to Brian. I imagined myself lying next to him in bed and I was smaller than he was. In reality I am a big man at 6 feet tall and 2 hundred and “cough” pounds and he is 5 feet nine inches and about 160 pounds. As I was visualizing what I was writing I realized how small I perceived myself. Is this a view of myself as weak and insignificant? Or does it represent something else?

Then my thought was is the reason I can not find my inner child because I am still a child? Are my reactions to relationships still that of a child. I have always wanted a loving relationship but am I looking for an adult relationship or am I still waiting to be held and nurtured. Will I have to fulfill my childish needs before I can move on to love as an adult? Is that hollowness caused by the love I am missing? I can see my personal ad now “Needy 52 year old looking for love, nurturing and lullabies. Subject to tantrums and outbursts when feeling abandoned or unloved. Expensive taste in toys.” I have so much ground to cover in this last third of my life.

[tugon (imported)]

I have felt like I never understood human sexuality. Since becoming a eunuch and an observer of human sexuality I have figured out why I have felt like a stranger in this human aspect. While participating in my odd sexuality pre-castration I was never able to figure it out. Now with time I have figured out why I was excluded from human sexuality. Very early in life some inhuman things happened.

I became a cocksucker in second grade. Not a nice term but that is what an adult had me do. From that point forward that was sex to me. Some one also gave me oral sex at a young age, way before I could enjoy it. When puberty began my thoughts turned strictly to wanting to please men orally. It slowly became an obsession. I became very aggressive in submitting to men. I also could never have anyone please me because that would create fear and panic. Sexual acts were very limited to me and very one sided. Sex was also alien to love.

I understood wanting someone but I could never want someone to want me. I have not been able to have that desire for sexual release with another person. I used to think I did not want a mutual sexual relationship but now I know I can not have one, yet. I would like to work until I can have a satisfying experience with someone I can love. I would like to be able to integrate sex with love. I know my one sided attitude has hurt relationships. I wonder if some of my behaviors such as let me take care of you and do not worry about me have caused some to begin to think of me as someone to use. It has caused some to lose interest.

I may not achieve these goals or have someone when I have healed enough to want a mutual relationship but I will work towards them nonetheless. One day I may be able to enjoy pleasure while giving pleasure and achieve physical intimacy along with emotional intimacy. Here’s hoping.

[Kangan (imported)]

Dear Tugon,

That is one very sad story. Thank you for sharing.

[Blaise (imported)]

I

One day I may be able to enjoy pleasure while giving pleasure and achieve physical intimacy along with emotional intimacy. Here’s hoping.

Wow, that is a sad story.

[Danya (imported)]

I have felt like I never understood human sexuality. Since becoming a eunuch and an observer of human sexuality I have figured out why I have felt like a stranger in this human aspect. While participating in my odd sexuality pre-castration I was never able to figure it out. Now with time I have figured out why I was excluded from human sexuality. Very early in life some inhuman things happened.

......

I may not achieve these goals or have someone when I have healed enough to want a mutual relationship but I will work towards them nonetheless. One day I may be able to enjoy pleasure while giving pleasure and achieve physical intimacy along with emotional intimacy. Here

’s hoping.

Tugon, my friend, you have done a lot of soul-searching and have come a long way in understanding yourself. I give you a lot of credit for that. I think it's terrific you are working toward your goals. You have many wonderful qualities that can contribute to making a relationship a success, when you are ready for that.

I don't think any of us are too old to find love. Many younger people find relationships and fall in love. There are many others who do not. I often hear complaints from the 20 and 30-somethings that they cannot find love.

If we are open to it, love can come at unexpected moments to any of us. I wish you the very best as you continue to heal. You are a beautiful person and I value your friendship.

Hugs,

Danya

[BudleyBare (imported)]

I have felt like I never understood human sexuality. Since becoming a eunuch and an observer of human sexuality I have figured out why I have felt like a stranger in this human aspect. While participating in my odd sexuality pre-castration I was never able to figure it out. Now with time I have figured out why I was excluded from human sexuality. Very early in life some inhuman things happened.

I became a cocksucker in second grade. Not a nice term but that is what an adult had me do. From that point forward that was sex to me. Some one also gave me oral sex at a young age, way before I could enjoy it. When puberty began my thoughts turned strictly to wanting to please men orally. It slowly became an obsession. I became very aggressive in submitting to men. I also could never have anyone please me because that would create fear and panic. Sexual acts were very limited to me and very one sided. Sex was also alien to love.

I understood wanting someone but I could never want someone to want me. I have not been able to have that desire for sexual release with another person. I used to think I did not want a mutual sexual relationship but now I know I can not have one, yet. I would like to work until I can have a satisfying experience with someone I can love. I would like to be able to integrate sex with love. I know my one sided attitude has hurt relationships. I wonder if some of my behaviors such as let me take care of you and do not worry about me have caused some to begin to think of me as someone to use. It has caused some to lose interest.

I may not achieve these goals or have someone when I have healed enough to want a mutual relationship but I will work towards them nonetheless. One day I may be able to enjoy pleasure while giving pleasure and achieve physical intimacy along with emotional intimacy. Here’s hoping.

Wow, Tugon, I wish I could be at this years MoM so that I could give you a warm hug (or two, or more), and talk more. I do understand what you have written. Opening up as you did can be very good, but difficult.

Abrazos (Spanish for hugs),

BB

[A-1 (imported)]

Dear Tugon,

What is normal?

Well, it is a statistical thing. Perhaps as you say you are creating your problems by seeking out relationships in which you are to victim even as an adult.

It is about self-worth and self-respect. Until you learn to respect yourself and realize that the child that has grown into you is still hurting deep inside you, you probably will continue to have problems establishing intimacy.

You deserve to have sexual satisfaction, too in addition to a mutual respectful relationship. You are NOT a receptical that is to be used and thrown away.

If your relationships are not fulfilling YOU are the only one who can change that, and you need to find out how to change that.

[tugon (imported)]

Thank you all for your support and encouragement. Kangan and Blaise while a sad story my hopes for the future are very positive.

Danya thanks for the hope of love. Hope is what has always gotten me through some days. I have loved deeply in this life and I would like to be loved deeply. I have had two great loves the one who got away and the one who needs to get away.

Bud, yes I will miss the hugs. Your posts have always been so warm that I feel your hugs from afar.

A-1 yes I need to break my programming. Until recently I thought I was doing what I wanted. Now I know who I want and need to be. In the past ten years I was only with one man because I thought we shared a love. Now I will again wait until I have found love.

[BudleyBare (imported)]

...Now I know who I want and need to be.... ...

Now I will again wait until I have found love.

Tugon, based on your writings, I hear much progress. Congratulations and hugs.

BB