Desperate to be a Eunuch

[tugon (imported)]

Bryan thanks for your response. I can certainly relate to dreams and how they may guide us. This post will deal with my consideration of a penectomy and what I now see are the reasons I considered it.

I now view testosterone as a toxin to my mind and body. I know this is not true of everyone but it was for me. While testosterone was polluting my thoughts I felt the need to have my penis removed. Now that the pollutants have been removed I am mostly glad I kept my penis. My cutter had offered to remove it but even at that stage of life I was able to realize the greater risk that surgery presented.

After castration and the drop in m

y T levels I began to have dreams. The dream involved me being held down and someone giving me oral sex. These dreams have been the only ones where anyone ever gave me oral sex. I was not able to enjoy it and the hyper stimulation would cause my back to arch and a sense of pain. I had the dream over two dozen times in a three year period. As the dream repeated I would realize new information. At one point I realized I was not tied down but I could not move. Another time it dawned on me that I was being held down. Being a big man I could not understand who could just hold me down. I also could not open my eyes in the dream to see who it was. Finally one morning while having this dream I realized how small my body was and the reason I did not enjoy oral sex was because I was still a child. I had tried to open my eyes and the fear of whom it might be caused me to wake up instantly.

I was so angry after that dream that I raged for two weeks. Luckily that morning I left on vacation to Quebec City so the first week I was distracted by a beautiful city. I did not know with whom to be angry so I was angry with everyone. I have only had that dream one more time and the fear keeps my eyes from opening and wakes me instantly. This dream made me understand partially why I felt the way I did about myself and why I never enjoyed a mutual sexual experience. The more I cared for someone and the more I respected them the more panic I would feel if they tried to please me. It is tough to explain why someone doing something loving causes you to cry. I was a fun date as long as it was not mutual.

I told my partner who I was getting back in touch with that I thought about having my penis removed. He was supportive but said he thought he would miss it. He began to talk about all the loving things he wanted to do for me and my panic levels rose. This panic fueled my desire for penectomy. If it is not there I do not have to worry about anything happening. Of course I could tell that he did not want me to have it done unless it was important to my happiness. I now had to consider someone elses feelings. Soon after these conversations I was having the final dreams where I understood what may have happened many years ago.

I am now at a point in my life where I want to learn how to get rid of the panic and keep my penis. I have lived 2/3 of my life and it looks like the last 3rd is going to be my best. My partner wants to teach me to enjoy pleasure. He wants for me to enjoy being pleased as much as I enjoyed pleasing him. He and I both agree that I am better off without my testicles but it looks like the penis is going to stay. I am so glad I trusted him and gave myself time to decide.

[tugon (imported)]

As I have stated before I am glad to be a eunuch. One of the things I have noticed about myself is a sort of floating gender identity. I was not comfortable/successful as a male but the testosterone kept my identity anchored to that of male. Reduced testosterone has allowed me to be much more than I was before.

The other day a neighbor woman's car would not start so I grabbed my case of tools and went out to fix it. She said it was nice to have a man around. I thought so to but it took me a minute to realize she meant me. After a haircut I looked in the mirror and thought the style made me look butch like a dyke. Of course it dawned on me that it was a man's cut and I present as a man. During the day I thought about my wedding to the man I love. How we would both go alone to select our tuxes for the ceremony and would surprise each other on the day with how good we would look. That night I dreamt of the wedding and this time I was being fitted for my wedding gown. Which in the dream seemed very natural.

Days when I spend a lot of time alone I do not think about being male or female. Gender does not seem to invade my thoughts. I am just very comfortable being me. Of course when I am out in society and someone says sir or relates to me as male then I find myself going back to that role. I often wonder what would happen if I could live in this world without people responding to me by a specific gender. Or maybe it is the expectations of that male gender with which I am not comfortable. I wonder how I would dress if there were no social pressures and dressing as a male was not such a habit. I do not have a female identity so I would not dress exclusively as a woman. I like the idea of kilts with underwear.

Over 8 years as a eunuch and I am happier in this state. Neither male nor female but hopefully the best of both. I think my metamorphosis to eunuch is complete.

[tugon (imported)]

I was trying to explain sex addiction to a friend who had never experienced any of the problems. Like most conversations you think of your best comments after the conversation is ended. I was trying to come up with a way to explain it without an incredible list of bizarre behaviors. I have this need to tell the worst about me as an early warning to others. This is what I came up with to explain my sexual addiction.

I think for most men they become sexually aroused and then have sex with a partner or masturbate. They feel relief and the feelings are reduced until they build up again. As a sexual addict there was no relief from that desire to have sex. Masturbation never reduced the pull of the addiction. Yes an orgasm would feel good but no real sense of satisfaction. The body would feel release but the mind was already thinking towards the next thrill or conquest. It was like a need that could never be satisfied. Relationships could not last because it was not enough to care about the person. I still needed the thrill of a new person or a different experience. Of course after each experience I felt emotionally empty and would feel worse about myself.

I was better when working or when my mind was occupied. Of course on a day off with time on my hands the day was spent feeding the addiction. The one thing I found that would help numb the feelings was alcohol, wine mostly. The wine would help me sleep at night or more importantly not be out prowling at night. Of course wine could not be a long term answer. As an addictive personality I could have become an alcoholic.

Since my castration I can now develop real adult relationships. I can enjoy true sexual satisfaction with one person. I can enjoy wine in moderation. I think for me eunuch calm means not being driven by addiction.

[tugon (imported)]

As a preeunuch sex and emotions were different unconnected things to me. It was all about the physical release. Acceptance or rejection did not change my mood. Now as a eunuch I find that the emotions are an integral part of every aspect of my life.

Of course now sex itself is different. I need the emotions with a person to want to have sex. If I am alone without the stimulation of a partner I find it difficult to maintain a mental fantasy. I rely on EA stories or magazine photos for the desired result.

Today my partner called to chat and it was not the same type of conversation we had the night before. He called me while I was visiting my mother. He likes to get me worked up at inconvenient times. Of course today I was ready for more of the same but the conversation was loving but not sexual. I still being worked up felt let down. I wanted him to express the same passion today. I was surprised how it effected my self esteem.

I am surprised I am still going through changes and still learning about myself. I guess as a eunuch I am only 8 1/2 years old. I wonder if these feelings that seem new are feelings that were blocked by the testosterone. I wonder if all the things we learn after castration others learned more gradually who were not so strongly driven by testosterone. At 50 I may finally be learning life's lessons.

[tugon (imported)]

I have decided to get into shape and lose some fat. My fat has been insulation and protection for me. I hope I do not miss it. That may sound strange but I would like to explain. As a recovering victim of sexual assault I did not want people to be interested in me physically/sexually. I began to gain weight as I tried to fiil a void in my life and I noticed that people were paying less attention to me. Certain callers stopped calling and I realized the combination of castration and weight gain would help me find the peace I wanted. Time not being sexual and not being approached was what I needed. I had become fearful of people and their intentions.

Of course the extra weight has been a stumbling block to my rebuilding self esteem. I am ready to feel good and feel good about myself. It would be nice to receive a compliment from a stranger instead of a stranger telling me I am fat. I have mirrors, I know the size of clothes I buy so this is of no surprise to me.

Having healed from so much I now want to be healthier and live a long life. I have someone in my life that I hope to love a long time. He tells me he would love me if I were 300 pounds. Now that I am battling 80 extra pounds and a changed metabolism due to reduced testosterone and age I have a long road ahead of me. Weight loss for me will be yet another step in the healing process that began when I became my true self a eunuch.

[JeffEunuch (imported)]

I have decided to get into shape and lose some fat. My fat has been insulation and protection for me. I hope I do not miss it....Of course the extra weight has been a stumbling block to my rebuilding self esteem. I am ready to feel good and feel good about myself. It would be nice to receive a compliment from a stranger instead of a stranger telling me I am fat. I have mirrors, I know the size of clothes I buy so this is of no surprise to me.....Having healed from so much I now want to be healthier and live a long life. I have someone in my life that I hope to love a long time.

Best of luck on your quest. Healthy is good. I'm a little uneasy myself about people cruising me, but it's luckily not too intense. It feels good even though my commitment to my partner and his to me means I won't be responding.

[poppop (imported)]

I really feel your pain, Tugon. I am considerably older than you, a recovering alcoholic (14 years sober) and have always had pervasive feelings of guilt and shame. I am convinced that a majority of people do, whether male or female, gay or straight, intact or castrated. I've found that forgiving others helps me tremendously, as does consciously, actively loving. I wish you the best, Tugon and hope you are finding contentment .

[tugon (imported)]

I really feel your pain, Tugon. I am considerably older than you, a recovering alcoholic (14 years sober) and have always had pervasive feelings of guilt and shame. I am convinced that a majority of people do, whether male or female, gay or straight, intact or castrated. I've found that forgiving others helps me tremendously, as does consciously, actively loving. I wish you the best, Tugon and hope you are finding contentment .

Thank you poppop. Congratulations on 14 years of sobriety. I can certainly share the shame and guilt with you. The shame is still a stumbling block for me. I am trying to learn not to play back every negative message I have always heard. The shame can be profound at times and I am surprised I have been able to open up here. Even when I post something for humor my first inclination is to delete it. Hitting the submit button takes a lot of courage sometimes.

I also agree with you in the fact that forgiveness can be a help. Of course I did not have a chance to forgive my father as he wanted nothing to do with me in later years. I of course have forgiven him but was never able to do it face to face. I always wanted to ask him why he wanted to be so mean to a little boy. I am unable to forgive the man that physically and sexually assaulted me for 17 1/2 years. I try to understand what might have caused him to treat me that way and understand why the shame kept me trapped in that situation. I was too ashamed to ask for help. In the five years he continued to call after I was physically free of him he made a comment that he did not understand why I let people do the things to me that I did. I reminded him that when there is a gun to your head you feel there is no choice. There was a time he wanted me to call him daddy and "suck the cock that made me". I thought that his childhood and mine might have been quite similar but I was locked in passivity and he became the abuser. He has never shown remorse so I am unable to forgive him but I do feel sorry for him. Maybe one day I will be a good enough person to forgive him. For now I still live in fear as we are both in the same small town.

Now that I have vented all of that I must say that I am finding contentment. I have some truly excellent friends. I am in a mutual, loving relationship. I am getting to know my true self. I receive positive support from yourself and other members of the EA. Being a part of this community has helped more than words can say.

[Patient (imported)]

He has never shown remorse so I am unable to forgive him but I do feel sorry for him. Maybe one day I will be a good enough person to forgive him.

We forgive our abusers for our sakes, not for theirs (though we do not begrudge them whatever benefit they may receive from our forgiveness). Our anger and our vengefulness are afflictions on our lives. We can end those afflictions only by forgiving.

And similarly we do not become good enough to forgive. We forgive as a desperate act of self-defense, and then we discover that we have become better because we are no longer so much afflicted.

This philosophy is expounded in great detail on http://smartrecovery.infopop.cc/

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[tugon (imported)]

I have been thinking much about forgiveness lately. As of yet I have not been able to forgive my abuser. Partly due to my struggles to return to a somewhat normal life. He no longer knows where I live or my phone number but I do not know if I am safe. I still spend a lot of energy looking over my shoulders and always watchful of who is next to me in a car or who is behind me when I pull into my apartment complex. The last time he called was in mid 2002 and the theme of the conversation was if I was over my mood and ready to meet with him again. He said we needed to talk. Meeting him for a talk was never a good time.

For years I was told I was going to be killed and I actually stopped living for the most part. Why work to achieve anything if I was going to be dead. I just went through lifes' motions. If I went out with friends I always knew I better be home before he might call. Usually at bar closing time. It was years before I did not wake up at 2:30 AM and stare at the phone in fear it would ring. Since I lived at home and threats toward my family kept me in line I would not go on vacations. He would call at night to say he put a bomb in my car and I would always have mom wait in the house while I started it if we were going somewhere together. I became a prisoner of fear of what he might do if I was not available to him.

I was also becoming something I did not like. Before castration while he still had a hold on me I was fantasizing about how to kill him. I who had always been non violent and prided myself on that goal wanted to kill. When I began to deal with all that happened after I was away from him and after surgery I realized how dissociated I had become. I truly thought I was losing myself. I do not know how I knew this but I was concerned that if I mentally escaped one more time I would not be back. Knowing that being raped again would be disastrous I met with my sisters individually. I told them a little about what had been going on and if he tried to force me again at gunpoint I would take the gun away and shoot him. I wanted them to be able to explain to my mother why I had to kill. This peaceful man was ready to kill and I knew at the time I would feel no remorse.

I have made good progress so far but I have a long way to go. I no longer suffer from post traumatic stress the way I did. I have an exaggerated startle response that causes me to be jumpy. I flinch when the toaster pops or any sudden noise. I flinch if someone reaches out to put a hand on my shoulder. If someone comes up and hugs me too suddenly I panic. I still have memory issues. One day I will remember a peson when a friend asks but the next time I may have no recollection. I have very little memory of life during the times of the worst abuse. My partner will talk about when we first met and some of the nice things I did for him and I have to take his word for it. There is just a lot missing.

After I was away from him for a year or more I had to try to remember the things I enjoyed doing. Where did I used to go for fun. Oh I have not been to a museum for years. I had to rebuild my life and learn to live again. I could travel and see friends. It would be very easy sometimes to be a recluse but I try not to let that happen. I began to take my mother to Quebec. That way I could have a good time and not worry about her safety. I still have a long way to go but I am doing better than I ever thought I would.

I still have a few very dark days where the struggle seems too much and I wonder why he never had the balls to pull the trigger. Maybe when the dark days are over and I have healed some more then maybe I can forgive.