My [Sexual] Struggle

[Skopztikov (imported)]

Hello Rog,

What a great thread you've got here! Thanks for being willing to take such a big risk. It's bloody frightening to undress oneself emotionally in front of one's peers and be so open, honest and vulnerable. I admire your courage endlessly.

Stepping out into the spotlight and sharing your life experience so freely is supposed to take something neither you or I have... LOL. Yet you've gone ahead and proven that with 'em or without 'em, it's possible to stand up and be counted. After all, courage is a quality of the heart, not the groin, and we all have hearts - eunuchs and non-eunuchs alike.

You also know from my occasional posts here and a few private messages that I identify with you almost right down the line, all the way from childhood. I was hyper-aware at age five that there was something very different about me and I d*mn well had to hide it if I wanted to survive. Like you, I also went through a period of uncomfortable confusion after my castration, wondering just who I was and what I had become. Those were not easy questions, since I had grown up with a cultural penchant for drawing nice, crisp borders around gender and sexuality.

While I've never regretted my castration, I've certainly found NO pat answers to those questions either. The best I've been able to do thus far is to accept that I am who I am and leave the rest to their opinions.

About six months after my orchiectomy, I revealed that I was a eunuch whilst doing some public speaking, and I feared that I'd made an enormous fool of myself and done in my reputation completely. Instead, I found a lot of people queued up and waiting to talk to me afterward; many of them saying that they admired my courage, and how they wish they'd been able to tell someone about this or that personal issue in their own lives. All I knew was that I was scared sh*tless the whole time I was talking, but when I was done, I felt as clean and wonderful as if I'd bathed myself from the inside out!

Sometimes the more intensely personal the information one shares (discreetly, of course), the more likely it is to be universally understood. The reason, I've come to believe, is that sincere people hear and understand sincerity; principled people perceive integrity, and the honourable... honesty.

For my part, Rog, you need make no apologies for sharing your life experience; rather, you deserve only thanks!

Best,

Greg

[thefraj (imported)]

Thank you all so very much for the kind words! And for having the patients to work through my eunique brand of verbal diarrhea.

The snow is falling very heavily as I write this, which is odd because it was never forcast and - being near the coast - we rarely see snow! And in March of all times!?!

________________

http://thefraj.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/button.gif Guy Crush? http://thefraj.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/button.gif

Anyway, there are some feelings I would like some insight on which I've struggled with for a while - and I think I have caused a lot of problems with people in the past. So, in a strange way, this is me saying I'm so terribly sorry for everyone I've hurt. And I was hoping for some input from my family here at EA.

I can start with the facts that I know. Firstly, I'm not gay - although - being someone who is neither male nor female - I'm not sure that gay is the right word. I'll start over: I'm not physically attracted to guys.

Yet, there are times when I'm really drawn to someones' personality. Someone charismatic who's traits are adorable and who is enigmatic.

I write this, as there is someone right now who falls into that catagory who I see sometimes. (though it's not anyone on EA! ... [he says quickly before talking himself into any more hot water!]).

My point is : I find myself thinking about this person when I'm in bed at night, wondering what makes them tick. Wishing I could be like them - or how life would be with them. I want to get closer - much closer, but with no sex. On a strange level - I admire this persons masculine traits; the parts of his mind that I am not. He's comfortable in his gender, very self-assured and so very confident - such a ladies man - to the point of arrogance. Yet, somehow you cannot hold it against him; he's like an unbreakable code. The more I learn, the more I understand in what ways I will never understand.

And yet, I'm physically attracted to women. Albeit on a much calmer - and (for me) comfortable level. And yet - on another level - since resolving many of the issues in my life - I've found myself enjoying the company of girl friends more.

so very, very confused.

I just wondered if anyone had some thoughts on this one.

[tugon (imported)]

I understand what you mean completely. I am gay but there are men who I am not sexually attracted to but I love being in their company. Call it a guy crush or a form of hero worship but it is special being with them. Most times they are someone who I would like to emulate. They are also usually extroverted, strong and kind men. I enjoy male friends that are so comfortable with themselves and their sexuality that mine never becomes a problem between us. Enjoy these feelings and his company without guilt. I have had some very strong friendships with straight men that have meant the world to me.

[Sac_mec (imported)]

Rog, As you said "

being someone who is neither male

or female....." It is an attitude question and a way of "being" that you have and so your senses are alerted to different aspects now of people and their own sexualities.

Of course this guy with his 'invisible but obvious testosterone', plus a nice character and probably good looks brings out responses and feelings that if you weren't a Eunuch, you wouldn't notice half as much; infact you would not notice his 'assertive masculinity' at all I am guessing.

Some of us are fortunate in having this perspective which is "between the sexes". Certainly your own attitudes and responses to women will now be much more softer/gentler/sympathetic than before - for me as a Gay man, I feel this change in my own feelings towards the nicer side of femininity and yet I still feel a man, albeit a soft one in so many senses, naturally.

It is curious territory we are in. You write with great wisdom always and you've achieved this at an age a shade younger than I had gained these thoughts!

As a young guy you will no doubt feel alot of stronger emotions than someone like me who has turned 50. I agree with tugon that you enjoy this special friendship with this Guy. If I ever sound arrogant or intrusive in my posting with you, please know that it is never ever intended. I wish you joy in an asexual sense and I didn't really need to add that bit did I!? And...thank you for your insight and perspective.

[thefraj (imported)]

THanks so much, Tugon and Sac_Mec! I'm so greatful for your input and so so sorry it took me this long to reply (I really am badly organized!)

Tugon : I do enjoy his company, and it sounds like your friend meant something similar to you. Like you said, I'm not physically attracted, and yet - being around him - means so much to me. It's odd, because it just sounds (when I type this) like a friend, but it feels totally different.

Thanks for your kind words Tugon, I think you're right. I guess there is nothing wrong with feeling this way - and to be able to accept and enjoy these feelings. Knowing their limitations, and that they are not physical.

Sac_Mec: Hehe, you're not arrogant or intrusive at all! And it raises something interesting I'd never really thought about before now. As a eunuch, I think my senses do not lead me to believe I'm in compentition with this guy, since I am no longer (physically) in the same league (male).

Where I would normally be irritated by assertiveness, I find myself in admiration. Instead of being reviled by arrogant behaviour, suddenly I find myself in awe. Hehe! It's hard to explain.

But I think you're really onto something there.

[thefraj (imported)]

Psychological Effects Of Castration

I'm writing from my own experience here, though I guess everyone is different and will probably experience it in their own way. After castration, I found my emotions became much more uncontrollable (I still struggle with them sometimes now!!). It was as if someone had turned the 'volume' up. From September 2002 to January 2003 I worked my way into deep depression. So I wanted to warn anyone considering castration - particularly younger ones and anyone who suffered mild depression before hand to really think carefully.

After trying my stunt in January 2003 I was on HRT and anti-depressants to try and become my normal self. And I was on them for many months, and on HRT for a couple of years!

Coping Strategies

After comming off hrt in September of last year - I went through that again, and finally settled down and found good coping strategies for anyone going through this.

Everyone is different, but I will explain a little from my life and a few little anecdotes I found useful.

Friends are so very important. I think that applies globally, but for eunuchs and women - doubly so. As a male, I was very hermit-like - not socializing and so on. And, with testosterone it was not such a big deal and I could cope. I think it comes back to testosterone 'dulling' the human emotions - or making a person resilient to a bad situation. Now, when I'm with friends I'm probably happier than I was before castration ( I know how weird that sounds! ).

Chocolate is a close friend of the woman and the eunuch. Almost everyone likes chocolate, but when testosterone levels fell, I found it tastes so much better. Maybe it's because the senses are more sensitive without testosterone - colours more enjoyable and smells more noticable. Or it could be a psychological thing. I actually feel happier afterwards. This is probably a good thing for anyone feeling blue! But especially eunuchs.

Speaking about this with Jesus, we came up with the idea of a special milkshake for eunuchs - with plenty of chocolate - but also Calcium, zinc and other supplemental vitamins and minerals that might be lacking in a eunuchs' body. I may patent this one before anyone else does

Being careful what you watch/read With the body of a guy, I could watch endless violence on TV and horrific things in the news. But as eunuch (I suppose like women), I have to be careful what I'm exposed too or I risk becomming very distressed or upset. Sometimes even crazy!

Crying as an alternate emotional outlet can be very theraputic. The other side of being careful what I watch is that I also enjoy a good movie that is emotionally moving. I never fail to cry at a good movie these days, and I think it relieves an aweful lot of tension and emotions. It's nothing to feel guilty about. Of course sometimes I just cry for no reason!

But point is, that sex seems to relieve such a lot of stresses and tension that accumulate in our lives, and being much calmer means those emotions often find other outlets. I can safely say I understand why some women will cry after sex!

Fighting the lathargic urge is a struggle I suspect a lot of people may have. I know I did. And in the dark period in 2003, I would happily sleep for 12 hours or more if left to my own devices. And this doesn't help with ones' mental state.

These days I tend to rise early (8am at the latest!) even if I'm not working. Luckily I'm in a job right now that I have to be up at around 5:45am or 6:00 at the very latest!), And I'm glad about this, because I get to see a full day of sunshine.

Getting up, of course, I sometimes find difficult (at any hour!), but I usually take a 5 minute ice-cold shower. You're body and mind will not be lathargic if you do not allow them to be!

Flight the loss of strength And get plenty of excercise. I couldn't have written this 5 months ago, or I'd have been a hypocrite!! LOL. It may seem more difficult - and I know that without testosterone it seems to hurt more and the body may complain more bitterly about being exerted, but it absolutely can be done!!! I have a 2 mile cycle each morning to work, and every day I see if I can better my record, which seems to be around 15 to 17 minutes (depending on roads/weather, etc)

_______

And feel free to ad whatever you wish. I know Sac_Mec retracted a few comments because he was afraid that this was 'my personal space'. Well, maybe it may seem that way - but if this was a really personal diary (and I didn't want anyone to comment!) then I wouldn't be posting it on the internet!

[tugon (imported)]

I can agree with most everything but the five minute ice cold shower. That sounds like self abuse. LOL After surgery I now always look like I took a five minute Ice cold shower if you know what I mean. LOL

[Sac_mec (imported)]

Hi Roger,

Yes I removed 2 threads from here for 2 reasons. Firstly they were back to back

and by removing them it brought the thread list back to your last entry.

I felt happier about that and all the more so by your more recent thread.

The points I covered were mainly very generalised comments which I could have chosen to start a new posting on.

In the opening paragraph above, you urge people to think fully before going through with castration and I note that also tu_gon has expressed the same points in his own amazingly open personal thread. Tu_gon points out that one can also consider being a Chemical Eunuch. It's a well made point because it does not have the deep psychological impact - you simply take a managed course of one pill taken twice daily or else consider a monthly injection.I endorse many of thefraj's comments (minus the cold shower.....brrrr). The final reason why I removed one of the threads above was that I used a skill eunuchs have far more than pre-eunuchs and that is I was too intuitive to a remark made previously by thefraj and upon reflection I felt it was best left out. I am a Chocoholic also; I think cocoa butter has a 'happy influence' on you - especially if you choose a bar high in Cocoa solids. Vegan Chocolate has the advantage of giving you a quick blast of estrogen to from the Soya in it. Roger, its good to see you expanding this post again

[mrt (imported)]

Thanks guys, I'm sorry if this came across as Grandiose; I certainly have no wisdom to speak of LOL, most of the time I'm just a raving looney! I have been meaning to write a little about the progress of my desire for castration (more as background and to refer back to if nothing else!)

This is the longest period I have gone without hormones (almost six months), so - in some ways - is new ground for me and I hope to document my feelings now they are settled.

Thank you so much for your kind words! I hope also to apologise and explain a little about why I 'disappeared' and why I was taking HRT around this time.

http://thefraj.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/button.gif Un

explained

Abscenc

e http://thefraj.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/button.gif

After castration I was in the final year at University; there was a fair bit of pressure and I knew deep down I was no longer male. Yet, I had no desire to be accepted as a female. For a long time I was very troubled with a lot of feelings. Why was I castrated? Was this a fetish gone too far? Am I a freak? What kind of a future do I have? Does someone like me even have a future?

It's not fair to say I ever really regretted the decision as such - if I were not castrated then, I would be here now - wanting to be castrated. So, in some ways the desire for this to be undone was never there.

And yet - somehow I wished things could have been different. Why did it have to be me? Why couldn't it be someone else? Why couldn't I be someone else?

Anyway, long story short these feelings - coupled with struggling finantial situation and heavy studies of the final year and strained relationship with friends and family sent me into a very deep depression, and ultimately attempted suicide in January 2003.

Of course, I failed and had to try rebuilding my life from what remained. I took a job at my local supermarket to make ends meet (I needed a job very soon, as I was still sinking in debt)

And, for a time those questions were on hold. I was taking anti-depressants and testosterone supplaments to be how I was before castration. I didn't even want to think about everything that had happened. I tried to be a normal male, doing normal things males are expected to do.

Of course, I hated the facial hair, possibility of ballding and (most of all) the sexual urges that returned. The self-harm also returned at this point in my life too. (while on HRT)

And Jesus (the one on these forums) was always calling to check on how I was doing. Occasionally, there are people in my life - without which - I wonder how I would have coped. But Jesus is one that I can safely say I would have been entirely lost without.

It felt too awkward after all that had happened to visit EA, and it brought back some bad memories to

o (I know how odd that sounds) - I just wanted to

stay well away from the whole ques

tion and not be reminded.

[quote="thefraj (impo

rted)" time=1140917820]
http://thefraj.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/button.gif Be

coming a Eunuch for the Second Tim

e http://thefraj.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/button.gif

In September 2005 I finally felt comfortable enough in myself to give up HRT for good, realizing that I was never truely male and that I actually started to feel more like the real me.

Of course, I noticed the tired/sluggishness, doziness, and loss of physical strength (which also seems to be heavily psychologically based).

I've found that I can still do almost all the things I could do before castration - so long as I remain active and force myself to be energetic. It's hard to explain.

Anyway, if everyone
[/quote]
is okay with this, I will keep updating this thread with any thoughts or feelings of the moment. There is still a question I'm wrestling with at the moment - but too long to get into just now. Maybe for another post

I had low Testosterone and didn't know it and had all of the problems with energy, mood, anxiety, sexdrive etc. I know that we are all different but I don't think this problem is heavily psychologically based.

Just my 2 cents worth!