My [Sexual] Struggle

[thefraj (imported)]

http://thefraj.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/button.gif Preamble http://thefraj.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/button.gif

In the middle of a weird emotional-moment, normally kept to myself. But this one may look interesting on paper (or screen?) so I'll indulge, and try to keep it interesting! Looking back on my life - it feels so strange - it's almost like I never even knew Roger. Like a reader so immersed in a vivid story they fail to notice they are actually reading a book. This evening I caught a glimps of the page-edge. And yet the book is actually quite boring compared with most others'. Who am I?

I could start by saying I'm a 24-year-old graduate who's not yet found the computer job he's looking for, and has been working a few menial jobs until he discovers what it is he is supposed to be doing with his weird life.

I could try saying I had parents who always loved me or that I grew up in a small seaside-town in England. Or that - behind a curtain of smiles - I suceeded quite well at my studies. But when alone, "my thing" would take hold.

http://thefraj.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/button.gif Early Childhood http://thefraj.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/button.gif

I'm not sure where the self-harm started. It developed from something I did to my self when I was about 8 or 9 when I hurt myself with a toy, not badly - but enough to draw blood. How or why I ended up in that situation is still a mystery. I think it's probably best described as "experimenting". I often would telescope my penis, and - when a little older - would push my testicles into the canal. Though why, I'm not sure. I already knew by this point I was unable to use a urinal. I had emotional or 'girlish' traits that I'm sure didn't help me fit in with other boys. I always enjoyed poetry and writing to maths (though I was not terrible at this either). I would often please the teacher with some good story-writing. I avoided any boy-only sports because I just felt uncomfortable with the agression and violence it seemed to entail. After asking the teacher - I ended up playing netball with the girls.

http://thefraj.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/button.gif Teenage Years http://thefraj.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/button.gif

With time, "my thing" developed into a more concious desire to loose my testicles. I absolutely hated my sexual urges, and wasn't a big fan of shaving. I would often pray I could go to sleep and wake up with them gone. No pain, no suffering - the process of castration seemed so aweful.

At about the age of 11, I remember having a dream that my scrotum fell off - no blood or pain; this was not a nightmare. I was happy and I remember throwing it and it's contents away.

At 16 and 17 it had developed into a sort of compulsion. When I was going about my life I tried to be all smiles. I would have thoughts - ways I could be castrated in many different situations. And it became a secret ritual that would occur with no-one else around. Sometimes eroticised, sometimes not. I would try to find ways of removing my testicles, or pray that - somehow - it would work.

At 19 (1998), I tried drinking about 1 litre of vodka and soaking in ice with bands, and leaving them on as long as possible. I was praying that I could somehow pass out or fall asleep for many hours. This one case I was able to leave the bands on for a little over an hour, by which time there was almost no feeling. But even heavily intoxicated - I still failed - the pain in the abdomen was just too much.

I did other terrible things, hanging things, needles - the pretruding part of which was later burned with a lighter or injecting water. I tried piercing the chords that supplied the blood to the testicle. I did this several times, I hoped that by piercing/ripping it apart badly enough I might be able to castrate myself, but this really is impossible without a scalpel. And I'm a real girl when it comes to pain.

http://thefraj.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/button.gif Being Discovered http://thefraj.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/button.gif

Until one day, at this age being discovered after trying to cut my banded scrotum off with a knife. There was a lot of blood, but of course I failed, and was forced to a psychiatrist. I was not in the least bit interested in being talked out of castration - so far as I could tell there was nothing wrong with me. I was only here because I was forced to be. I had nowhere else to stay and this was part of the terms and conditions of me living with my parents.

After many months of pyschotherapy, I began to wonder if something was really wrong with me. But - the desire to loose my testicles was always there. I never really felt like one of the boys, and was always teased for being more softly-spoken, "placid" or "girlish" or whatever.

http://thefraj.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/button.gif Finally achieving castration (safely!) http://thefraj.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/button.gif

It wasn't until my grandma died in 2000, leaving a lump sum which finally left me with a (sensible) means of castration. At the end of 2001 I recieved my inheritence and by the start of 2002 had contacted Dr Kimmel to make arrangements. (and at last, joined EA as a full member!) (yey!)

This was the first visit of many to the US. I stayed at a hotel in Phildelphia where I met both Luvpain and Riverwind (who was castrated a few days before myself).

It was a good few days, and we certainly had a laugh. It's odd, because at the point Dr Kimmel was making the incision I didn't even look. I was vaguely aware of the sensations of the process - but my mind was somewhere else. I was not in the room. But that day was one of the happiest ones of my life.

After some time I had been castrated and felt fine (my head was still buzzing from the cocktail of Valium and muscle relaxant). We walked back to the hotel, and I remember sleeping for some time that first day.

http://thefraj.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/button.gif Post-Surgical Gender Identity Issues http://thefraj.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/button.gif

For many years after castration I struggled tremendously with the question What am I then?, becomming very introverted, and - eventually - depressed. In this period I did a number of stupid things. To help with this, I was on anti-depressants and took testosterone supplaments for a year or two, still unsure of what I was.

It wasn't until about September last year, I finally realized I was not happy being male or female. I was me. Whatever name you would choose. Somewhere in the middle, and suddely felt a great deal of calm and acceptance for what I was.

_______________________

Anyway, I hope this gives some insight into who I am and why I was castrated. I have no simple answer, but these days I realize I didn't strongly identify with being male, and "this thing" has been with me a long time. Such a very long time. But only really became noticable in puberty. And only better understood long after castration

Comment if you like - or don't comment, I don't mind. (it is fairly long and boring!) But I hope it might be okay to use this thread to post updates on my thoughts and feelings. Especially when I get like this - the floodgates open and I can't stop writing!

[tugon (imported)]

Thank you for sharing your struggles and your triumphs. I am glad you found yourself. When I finally found the EA and later the message boards your posts were the ones I related to right away. Even though I had been a eunuch longer your insights helped me put a lot of my emotions into perspective. You have shown a lot of bravery in sharing your life with us and I know it helps many. Your honesty has several times inspired me to open up. Thanks for your inspiration.

[Slammr (imported)]

Roger:

Many of us, around since your castration, were concerned when you disappeared. We're glad to have you back. You have contributed greatly to this community and show wisdom far beyond your years. I think you know that many people here care about you.

If, at times, I criticize one of your posts, I'm criticizing that post, never you.

We're honored by your presence on these boards.

[thefraj (imported)]

Thanks guys, I'm sorry if this came across as Grandiose; I certainly have no wisdom to speak of LOL, most of the time I'm just a raving looney! I have been meaning to write a little about the progress of my desire for castration (more as background and to refer back to if nothing else!)

This is the longest period I have gone without hormones (almost six months), so - in some ways - is new ground for me and I hope to document my feelings now they are settled.

Thank you so much for your kind words! I hope also to apologise and explain a little about why I 'disappeared' and why I was taking HRT around this time.

http://thefraj.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/button.gif Un

explained Abscenc

e http://thefraj.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/button.gif

After castration I was in the final year at University; there was a fair bit of pressure and I knew deep down I was no longer male. Yet, I had no desire to be accepted as a female. For a long time I was very troubled with a lot of feelings. Why was I castrated? Was this a fetish gone too far? Am I a freak? What kind of a future do I have? Does someone like me even have a future?

It's not fair to say I ever really regretted the decision as such - if I were not castrated then, I would be here now - wanting to be castrated. So, in some ways the desire for this to be undone was never there.

And yet - somehow I wished things could have been different. Why did it have to be me? Why couldn't it be someone else? Why couldn't I be someone else?

Anyway, long story short these feelings - coupled with struggling finantial situation and heavy studies of the final year and strained relationship with friends and family sent me into a very deep depression, and ultimately attempted suicide in January 2003.

Of course, I failed and had to try rebuilding my life from what remained. I took a job at my local supermarket to make ends meet (I needed a job very soon, as I was still sinking in debt)

And, for a time those questions were on hold. I was taking anti-depressants and testosterone supplaments to be how I was before castration. I didn't even want to think about everything that had happened. I tried to be a normal male, doing normal things males are expected to do.

Of course, I hated the facial hair, possibility of ballding and (most of all) the sexual urges that returned. The self-harm also returned at this point in my life too. (while on HRT)

And Jesus (the one on these forums) was always calling to check on how I was doing. Occasionally, there are people in my life - without which - I wonder how I would have coped. But Jesus is one that I can safely say I would have been entirely lost without.

It felt too awkward after all that had happened to visit EA, and it brought back some bad memories too (I know how odd that sounds) - I just wanted to stay well away from the whole question and not be reminded.

http://thefraj.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/button.gif Be

coming a Eunuch for the Second Tim

e http://thefraj.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/button.gif

In September 2005 I finally felt comfortable enough in myself to give up HRT for good, realizing that I was never truely male and that I actually started to feel more like the real me.

Of course, I noticed the tired/sluggishness, doziness, and loss of physical strength (which also seems to be heavily psychologically based).

I've found that I can still do almost all the things I could do before castration - so long as I remain active and force myself to be energetic. It's hard to explain.

Anyway, if everyone is okay with this, I will keep updating this thread with any thoughts or feelings of the moment. There is still a question I'm wrestling with at the moment - but too long to get into just now. Maybe for another post

[kristoff]

Keep the posts coming, Roger. It is exactly these kinds of forum diaries, as such, which are probably the most informative to folks who drop in here to explore this whole topic. What better way to learn than at the mouth of experience.... Wisdom always derives from experience!

I applaud your proposed base of thought here, along with that maintained by Phillip and Bryan.

I would also encourage, given the two recent debacles with hacking, that you folks keep copies of your posts on your own computers in which ever word process programs you keep, in case they need to be reposted.

K

[plix (imported)]

Interesting stuff I'm thinking about how you felt during the period after castration because every once in a while I get the same way. Just last nite I spent about an hour thinking about where I am and how I got there. I suddenly regretted castration terribly and wondered in horror what I had done to myself. I thought about how I am only 21 and will have to spend the rest of my life without them. Luckily those moments only happen occasionally - I'm over it now. But definitely keep posting. I love to read what you have to say

[Stefan (imported)]

First off all, thank you for your story. I don't think your story ist boring, it shows a trail you've gone. I got the intention your walked down a very long trail. You're showing, that every one has to his way down to loose his testicles. I think you helped some people with thier decisson by telling your story.

[thefraj (imported)]

Thanks Plix! I was sort of thinking of you when I wrote this (and anyone else in a similar position). From what was written, I can see you struggling through similar inner turmoil. I can talk about it now, having totally conquered it.

There were times when I would almost cry myself to sleep, wondering what I'd done to my life -- and my body. Did I make the wrong decision? I would pray that this was all just a bad dream I could awaken from. But ... with time - the thirst for answers dies away. If ever you feel upset by your thoughts or feelings please feel free to post them here

I'm not sure if articulating my copy of the answers will help (my feelings tell me this is a personal daemon that must be battled-through and learned on a personal level) but here goes:

For as long as I could remember I had these feelings. From the moment I understood castration, I wanted to be castrated. It did not go away. And if I had not found a means of castration when I did, I would - in all likelyhood - be hoping for (and planning it!) as I type this.

So was it really the wrong decision? How could it be, when I did not ask to have these feelings? This desire is part of me, part of who I am. Surely a person cannot regret being who s/he is? Anymore than someone can regret being gay?

Whatever you feel, please don't worry. Those troublesome doubting moments will become less frequent. I promise!

I'm at a point in my life where I wouldn't change my body for anything!! Especially not an uncastrated one! I think I would sooner exchanging it for a female one if I had to. So long as my body isn't under the influence of the male hormone. This was simply not me!

[Sac_mec (imported)]

I don't know how you were able to continue University Studies and face such pressure there and then also face up to Castration too. I fully understand the depression that you and philip1 comment on and I guess that somewhere within testosterone there is a "happy factor" probably most pronounced after ejaculation. That is a brief moment over rapidly but it is regretted by many, I guess. I'm told I appear "no longer happy", that I seem care-worn, but I actually feel more at peace with myself than I have for years. There is a 'space' to be found which is between male and female which both 'cut' and long term chemical eunuchs can achieve. Roj, you show you've found that point and I have too - it doesn't matter whether you have hetereosexual, gay or asexual inclinations that freedom of thought is out there to be found...if you want it and it is precious when found. As I commented in a different post I couldnot cope at School with the pressure faced by both all those Exams and with puberty which sank my treble voice and replaced it with acne and new body hair and BO. So, I flunked out and it has taken me many years and an intervening off subject accident which brought me to the point of being a Chemical Eunuch.

Roj I just take the smallest issue with the comment you made about Gays.

No-one chooses to be Gay or Str8 or transgendered. Millions of str8 people

never even think or question their own sexual identity. The rest of us face a learning curve of knowing we do not fit the stereotypes force fed us from the

earliest age and we have to learn ourselves, each one of us individually where we are and what we want. Eunuchs are united above and beyond much of

the sexual angst because we share a common vision and we have made our own alternative choice - and you can be str8,tg, gay or asexual or any combination of these and find your own answers here. I have not faced "the cut" and don't think I need to but I know the depression and loss of stamina you speak of. No path is ever easy and I'm glad you've come to what looks like a good Eunuch viewpoint; neither male nor female and rejecting hormone therapy - well done. ( I mean no disrespect to transgendered folk in my last sentence, I hope that is appreciated.)

[BudleyBare (imported)]

...Thank you very much for your insight and willingness to share. I am learning a LOT!