Mac (imported) wrote: Sun Dec 31, 2006 10:06 am
Congratulations Erica!
Sounds like you are doing great. How did the people at work react toward you and what will happen when you go back as that other person? You are very fortunate to have such an accepting spouse.
Dear Mac,
Since there were only two of us in the office this week, the other being the company accountant who already knows about me, I was accepted very well.
I did inform her of my intentions on Wednesday afternoon, just to be certain that she didn't have any problems with it. It never has nor will it ever be my intension to embarrass or to make anyone ill at ease with my presence around them.
She was very receptive of me. She complimented me on my shoes, which she just loved, and she thought that I had great legs. She's very kind.
What will happen when I return to the office on Tuesday in "male mode"? Probably nothing, being that we are the only two that witnessed "my little experiment" in RLE. She's known about me for 6 months or so now and so far she has kept my true identity to herself. She did say to me on Friday "I don't know why you bother to keep dressing as a guy when you look so good and so happy as yourself."
It'll be hard for me to go back to work in "male mode", but I knew going into this small try at full transition, that it was going to be a limited experiment or experience. I guess it was more to see if I could be successful at transition, which in itself is a bold and difficult task to accomplish.
My spouse did admit to me that it was very hard for her to see me walk out the door on Thursday and Friday morning as "me". She told me that it was basically out of concern for me, but down deep inside of me, I can't help but feel it was out of concern for herself. I can't help but get the feeling that she truly wanted me to fail at my attempt.
I think that she feels comfortable with my current level of transition, that being full time on the weekends, but she is afraid that if I was successful at this try, that it would provide the motivation to go full time.
I have learned some unexpected lessons from this experiment or should I say confirmations. I had a long talk with my oldest son over dinner last night. Just him and I and while I thought that he had some small amount of acceptance for me, I found out quite differently. Once again, about the only thing he can offer is conditional love. "Dad I love you just not when you dress this way."
I'm really beginning to wonder if all of the pain and hurt that I have brought to so many others over this GID issue is worth it. I'm I being selfish in my pursuit to be myself? Is it really worth the alienation and the rejection that I have brought to my family and to others?
My youngest son keeps telling me that this is my cross to bear in life and to just suck it up and be "the man" that the Lord made me.
I currently have a call into my therapist to make an appointment with her to discuss this whole issue with her. I'm really feeling the need to talk to someone over this, especially in light of how hard this past Christmas was.
