Late onset (yet always there)

[crankshaft (imported)]

stumbled in late to the party,

Terri,

may your new beginning give you the happiness you have been searching for,

[bryan (imported)]

Hi everyone,

In case you are wondering, I'm doing great these days! The "treatment" (i.e., transition) really works. Suicidal thoughts aren't a problem any longer. I'm content to go on living, and life is actually quite enjoyable.

Now -- if you recall -- my previous diary entry ended with a shrouded postscript about something big being in the works. Actually, three big things are in the works. Over the last month, I've:

1. Connected with a surgeon regarding GRS and will have clearance letters from two therapists very soon.

2. Broached the matter of going full-time at my job.

3. Filed for a legal name change.

What started all this? Two things. First, in early February, was feeling so assured in my new state [as a female] that I figured it was time to find a penectomy surgeon. Sent out some e-mails. Got a response the very next day with a GRS price as good as any penectomy price available. Second, my face and hair are making it difficult to pass in the men's room during the work week. I got a nasty double-take two weeks ago and having been tip-toeing around during trips to the restroom ever since. Although I'm nominally "male" at work, customer staff who don't know me regularly ma'am me. My androgynous appearance has shifted toward the feminine side to the point that I'm comfortable bringing my regular purse to work. (Previously, I used a lunch cooler as my work purse.)

The best part in all this is: when I'm in female mode, I'm able to blend in without any problem. Both appearance and voice are passable, so I fit right in as a woman. Conversations with strangers -- rather than being intimidating -- are enjoyable, and I've started getting to know some people who may turn into friends eventually.

Going back to the diary entry for Sept. 14, 2006

(http://www.eunuch.org/vbulletin/sh

owpost.php?p=

61434&postcount=204), I wrote:

Transition is like a long journey. Do I know the complete route yet? No. Just taking baby steps. But as each milestone appears, the rest of the route will become clearer. Nor is there only one way to the destination. I'm hoping for one of those stealthy transitions where changes to my body finally "out" me, at which point the switch to female-mode will be quick and actually greeted with some warmth by others -- along the lines of, "Why has this female been dressing in men's clothes?" That is, after the female body and personna bloom, then feminine apparel/adornment can come. I want the awkward inbetween stage to be as

short and painless as possible. I can dream, right?

Well -- that time has come. I'm not going to continue tip-toeing around the men's room. However, it hasn't worked quite the way I expected. When people know you as one gender, it is difficult for them to see the new gender. Co-workers haven't noticed the feminizing, as such; they just see a male with long hair. But strangers perceive the workday me as female.

(In case you are wondering: Regarding surgery, I'm opting for minimal-depth GRS. Having ruled out romantic relationships, I don't want the temptation of being fully-functional "down there". Plus, it avoids the need to dilate. Mainly just want to be passable in locker rooms in order to go swimming someday. However, an embarrassed smile/smirk appears on my face when I catch myself thinking about men in romantic/intimate ways. It's amusing to say the least. Tee-hee.)

Any reflections on gender these days? Only this: Being in the wrong body is like being in prison. Looking in the mirror is painful/hurtful and you just want to escape any way you can. Conforming the body to the brain, on the other hand, is like getting early parole. Previously, I was gritting my teeth until death could bring relief. Now, life has returned to normal and I'm not looking longingly at cemeteries.

Thanks for your interest and encouragement,

Terri

[Uncle Flo (imported)]

It is nice to hear from you, Terri. --FLO--

[JesusA (imported)]

It's great to hear about your progress. It sounds as if you are doing well. Any chance that you'll make it to the August MoM so that we can all hug you again?I'd certainly like to see the real you.

[Visionary (imported)]

Having spent the past two days reading ever last line of this thread, I now feel as If I've known you for a long time. I'm glad to hear that everything is starting to become brighter for you and that you are starting to see the light at the end of that tunnel. I hope you all the best, and wish you all the happiness in the world.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Things are going very well, and I'm doing great emotionally. Just want to give a short update.

I've gone thru a legal name change and have also changed the gender marker on my driver's license to 'Female'. This is a HUGE step! It means my transition is now 'official' and in the public arena. Any future employment will be sought as a female. Have been sending out lots of name-change notifications to businesses, utilities, etc. Rewinding the transition at this point would involve a lot of effort.

Speaking of the name change: It is so pleasant to see my name and like it instead of being distressed at it.

As for seeing 'Female' on my driver's license: It really didn't hit me until right before bed on the day of the name change. That's when I stared at the license -- photo, name, gender marker -- and was overcome with all sorts of good, peaceful emotions and started sobbing. Mostly, I felt extreme relief that something I've desired ALL MY LIFE had come to pass.

It appears I have no problem passing. Social life as a female continues to grow.

Still not in female mode at work; my boss hasn't been too cooperative. However, that doesn't stop people like security guards from perceiving me as female on the job. In fact, when I came out to a new employee in our small office, he confessed he had been having trouble keeping my gender straight. That is, he was having to catch himself from referring to me as 'she.'

Since my boss has been dragging his feet about me going full-time, I've begun looking for work elsewhere (as a female). I'm happy and somewhat relieved with the thought of making a clean break instead of presenting female to customers who have known me as male. However, it will mean spending some money on nice career-woman clothes. Been getting acquainted with office fashion in the meantime.

Speaking of clothes: My closet is getting lower and lower on male clothing. When I got rid of my male jackets/suits a few months ago, it was a major step indicating that future employment searches would be as a female.

You know what? Transition is really working for me. In the last week, I have felt my old confidence returning, the feeling that I'm worthwhile/competent and can succeed at a new job. I'm so grateful for the opportunities we girls have now which we didn't have, say, in the 1970's.

Thanks for your interest,

Terri

[EricaAnn (imported)]

Hi Terri,

I know I've already said this to in person, but I wanted to be the first on EA to say CONGRATULATIONS!

I'm so proud of you for taking this big step in your life and I know how good you must feel for doing it. Like me, you now have a second birthday to celebrate. June 10th, the official coming out of of Terri Breanne.

I'm so happy for you and wish you continuing success in your transition.

[mrt (imported)]

I'm so happy for you and relieved that you've passed that step or stage where being "you" is not only natural and right but feeling normal.

A new job sounds like a nice clean break from the old you.

One thing I would suggest is this (And sorry this is i know, very personal) but why limit yourself with your GRS surgery? Whats wrong with leaving your options open? I know that having a relationship is not the reason your doing this but why make it more difficult "if" you decide to have one later? It doesn't mean you have to use your new ahh "equipment." I mean if the right person comes along? Why not???

[Uncle Flo (imported)]

Hello Terri! It is very nice to hear from you again. I am glad things are going so well. --FLO--

[Taylor (imported)]

I second Mr. T's advice.

You never know what the future may hold so you should go all the way at the time of the surgery. So you have to dialate a couple of times a day at first but after awhile it is only once or twice. It would be better than having to readdress the issue and having to go through future surgeries.

Anyway, congrats on the transition.

T.