Late onset (yet always there)

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

The trip to see my wife and son was good, then bad. Things started off well. On the third night, we were both feeling optimistic enough to engage in a heart-to-heart discussion. Didn't go well. Both of us were depressed from then onward: my wife lost interest in food, I stopped grooming (showering/shaving).

My wife is at a make-or-break point now, holding divorce over my head. Since she hasn't yielded an inch on making any accommodations for GID, I will tell her to go ahead with her plans (i.e., divorce). After all, what can I do since GID isn't something one can negotiate with as an equal?

On a positive note, it appears my rapport with women has noticably improved (wife excepted :-\), so I'm optimistic about gaining friends eventually. Had a good, long chat with the office manager at work today and she volunteered that, almost immediately after I started working there, she felt I was someone she would 'click' with. Recent conversations with other women have me optimistic as well. Such a difference from the old "testosterone" days! Back then (I'm ashamed to say), at some point during nearly any conversation with a woman, I would think "she's different down there" and involuntarily conjure up an image of that difference. Also, I had to avoid friendliness/outgoingness with women who were attractive to me, lest my intentions be mixed.

Terri

[Mac (imported)]

Terri,

Sorry to hear that your wife is still so un-yielding. Are you able to see your son when you want and able to take him places?

[bryan (imported)]

Hi everyone,

The last seven days have been hard emotionally, trying to figure out what reply to give my estranged wife. As you recall, she is at a make-or-break point, wondering whether to proceed with divorce. I've been kind of mopey, and even had to take time out from attending a trade show to weep in a public restroom. Hate to see the family unit die. I really do think I could forego transition if I were in a supportive family arrangement, but GID would have to be accommodated to some extent in the home. However, my wife is not willing to even acknowledge the female in me, much less accommodate her/me; ANY bent toward femininity on my part is unacceptable to my wife.

Had a hard time getting up on Sunday. Bitterness and resentment was building toward my wife (and mom, too, for her lack of acceptance). My face immediately brightened, however, when I thought: "May as well go out dressed today." And I had a great day, as compared to Saturday -- which was awful -- when I didn't dress. Going out dressed is therapeutic and good for the psyche.

Regarding divorce, told my wife yesterday: "I can't give you the happy answer you want. Do what you need to."

Actually, I'm somewhat relieved at the thought of not having any future sexual demands placed on me. While flipping channels on TV the other evening, came across an intercourse scene and became very disturbed emotionally -- as though I have been traumatized by sex. I don't want any therapy or attempts at healing; just want to be left alone in that area.

Finally finished reading Christine Jorgenson's personal autobiography. She concludes by discussing what was known about transsexuality in the year of publication (1967) and quotes extensively from a November 21, 1966, front-page article in the New York Times. Although much research has gone on since then, two quotes really caught my eye. The first could be discussing me:

...many leading psychiatrists and psychoanalysts who have examined transsexuals believe that they cannot be helped by psychotherapy. Such persons, moreover, are regarded as prone to mental breakdown and depression, suicide, and occasionally, self mutilation.

The second is comforting because it affirms our basic sanity:

...A number of psychiatrists familiar with the subject regard the majority of transsexuals as emotionally normal except for their gender confusion, which leads to intense feelings of frustration. "It flies in the face of everything I believed when I began," said a Los Angeles psychiatrist-psychoanalyst, who has done considerable research in the field. "They are shockingly normal except for that one area."

NORMAL. Has a nice ring to it.

Terri

P.S. to Mac: Wife and I live in different states. We have occasional visits, and I've been able to spend unsupervised time with my son. That could change with divorce.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Got a major insight into the Oct-Nov 2004 gender shift a couple of days ago: after my wife lost interest in lovemaking and I was consequently battling male libido, I didn't just side with her. Siding with someone has a limited scope, pertaining only to the matter at hand. Instead -- and this idiom captures it well -- I cast in my lot with females.

cast in one's lot with -- to ally oneself with; share the life and fortunes of.

That expression describes what I did subconsciously at the time. And the scope went WAY BEYOND the bedroom as this diary attests, even though the decision was subconscious. When castration followed 5 months later, the resulting hormonal changes solidified the alliance with females, for I now felt like one emotionally.

And all of this dredged up my long-buried preference to be female, causing my personal life (and household) to implode.

Fellow transsexuals and I have noted a difference in my TS story: the identification with females didn't start until the Oct-Nov 2004 gender shift. It was only after that that I became a full-fledged TS.

* * *

So where does that major insight bring me now? I'm at the brink of concluding I'm more-male-than-female after all, albeit with feminine tendencies and a frustrated desire to be female. Up to this point, the Oct-Nov 2004 gender shift has been a mysterious thing. But now it seems I cast my lot with females after being THOROUGHLY DISGUSTED with male libido. That doesn't make me female. It only shows where my alliances are.

I still primp in front of the mirror, gaining satisfaction at my feminine-appearing face (with the benefits of laser beard removal). Still have the emotions of a female. I passed the transsexual "hormone test," much preferring estrogen to testosterone. And still have this key to understanding my life: I have feminine tendencies and a preference for female company.

We'll see where this leads, if anywhere. For the time being, I've lowered my estrogen dosage from 4mg/day to 2mg/day. Still need the mental/emotional benefits but I'm wavering on the physical effects.

Terri

P.S. -- I've been a happier, more stable person on 4mg/day, as my recent posts (or lack thereof -- since I tend to post when I'm depressed) will attest. Going down to 2mg/day is an experiment. If you notice a decided downward turn in my posting demeanor/mood, we will all know that Terri functions better on 4mg/day.

[Uncle Flo (imported)]

I see you are still learning about yourself. You seem to be happier than you had been so, maybe this is a good path for you. --FLO--

[mrt (imported)]

NORMAL. Has a nice ring to it.

Terri

I had the same feeling of relief after seeing a shrink before my Orchiectomy for Chronic pain. The shrink was very supportive and told me that I was more sane them most healthy people and that he felt the whole thing was very straightforward.

I am not TS but I've studied a lot and I don't see any reason to see your issues as anything "insane" except that some of the junk you have had t deal with might MAKE you insane.

[plix (imported)]

I've known for quite some time now that I am fully male but with personality traits that we have socially constructed to be "feminine." I'll never be as manly as most men or even understand most men, but I am a man nonetheless. Glad to know you are discovering new things about yourself

I think it is OK for a man to be taking E if that is what he wants. Whatever your identity, I see nothing wrong with you taking E as long as you are comfortable.

*Hugs* Hope things continue going well for you

[Mac (imported)]

Hi all,

Got a major insight into the Oct-Nov 2004 gender shift ...... after my wife lost interest in lovemaking and I was consequently battling male libido .....

I cast in my lot with females. ....

. When castration followed 5 months later, the resulting hormonal changes solidified the alliance with females, for I now felt like one emotionally. ..... the identification with females didn't start until the Oct-Nov 2004 gender shift. It was only after that that I became a full-fledged TS.

* * *

..... I'm at the brink of concluding I'm more-male-than-female after all, albeit with feminine tendencies and a frustrated desire to be female. ..... But now it seems I cast my lot with females after being THOROUGHLY DISGUSTED with male libido. That doesn't make me female. It only shows where my alliances are.

..... Still have the emotions of a female. ..... I have feminine tendencies and a preference for female company. .....

Terri

...... :)Is your wife able to live with that so it will be possible to reconcile your family situation?

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Long diary entry today!

Got another

major insight into the Oct-Nov 2004 gender shift a

few days ago. My battle with male libido left its scars. This will sound strange but I became, in essence, a sexual abuse victim. Wouldn't have believed it; but my reactions to things on TV are what you would expect of an abuse victim. Anything about rape, child molestation, or merely witnessing R-rated consensual intercourse causes me to freak out and burst into tears.

No wonder I identify with the victims of sexual abuse and want to distance myself from the abusing gender. But I've never been sexually abused that I know of, and my problems didn't really develop until I got tired of having to deal with perverted appetites (in 2001 or so). My own libido became my abuser.

I wouldn't make such a claim except those "freak out" responses demonstrate my case is more than just GID. The battle with libido has left me traumatized.

Wife and 7yo son visited over the holidays. Shared this latest insight with my wife and she received it well. Our discussion left us both in tears, and we hugged a long time, crying freely. Two nights later, at her initiation, we snuggled and slept in the same bed.

* * *

But I'm not out of the woods yet as far as GID is concerned. The insight in my December 5th post didn't help very much. Not long after I started thinking of myself as male, icky sexual appetites (along the lines of female domination) started troubling me again. So I discarded the insight and allowed my gender to drift back to its natural position (more female than male).

You see, as a female, my mind is clean, with only passing sexual thoughts. And those thoughts are about rather ordinary sex.

Thus, the experience in early December (i.e., the return of icky thoughts while believing myself male) has helped answer a lingering question: Was a gender shift necessary for my healing from yucky appetites? That is, did healing require more than castration -- did it require a switch in my gender? I think so!

I would have never believed life could get so bizarre, but I'm living this thing out.

* * *

Visited my endo recently. Testosterone level is 39 and estrogen level is down to 129. But recall I lowered my estrogen dosage to 2mg/day from 4mg/day.

I don't know what to do regarding estrogen. My current goal is to remain a nominal male for employment purposes and to [hopefully] preserve the marriage. But in my heart of hearts, I am disappointed with my breast growth up to this point and want more.

Nobody ever said humans are consistent/coherent.

* * *

Been reading Self-Made Man by Norah Vincent. Norah disguised herself as a man for a year to experience life as a male firsthand and observe what males are like when women aren't around. She is lesbian and a bit of a tomboy but (as she explains) not transsexual. Her insights are from the female perspective.

Figured the book would be helpful to gauge my observations of men: Do my insights agree with Norah's? Am I viewing maleness as an outsider?

That's all for now. Thank you for your interest this past year. Merry Belated Christmas!

Terri

P.S. to Mac: Hard to say whether wife and I will be able to reconcile. She appears unwilling to make any accommodations for GID (although we haven't discussed particulars). For my part, it's hard to negotiate with GID since it saps all interest in living if not addressed to some extent. Currently thinking hormones, shaved body hair, women's underwear, and occasional nightgown use may be sufficient to remain a nominal male. (If the preceding statement strikes you as contradictory, you're not alone. ) Those are things I would have never allowed for myself years ago, but now they seem like small potatoes next to full transition.

[bryan (imported)]

One more thing:

In case you are wondering what I mean by "nominal" male, here are a few definitions of "nominal" to convey what I'm thinking (taken from http://dictionary.die.net/nominal):

2: insignificantly small; a matter of form only; "the fee was nominal"; "a token gesture of resistance"; [syn: token, tokenish]

...

4: value in terms of specification on currency or stock certificates rather than purchasing power; "nominal or face value"

...

6: being such in name only; "the nominal (or titular) head of his party"

The last is my personal favorite since I am becoming a titular male.

Terri