Late onset (yet always there)

[mrt (imported)]

Terri,

How are you doing? Hope all is going well

You really should update more often. We do worry about you

I agree! Where are you and are you doing ok???

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

I humbly thank you for your interest. Sorry the diary hasn't been updated for awhile. Figured it wouldn't be interesting; just more of the same ups, downs, and changes in direction.

Haven't dressed for the last two weekends: not enough "gender angst" plus I'm wondering again if transition can be put off indefinitely. Alternatively, when transition is inevitable, I get with the program by dressing (and it's enjoyable enough).

Even though I haven't been dressing, the female identity leaks out in the form of shopping choices. Picked up a pink coverlet at my favorite thrift store. Got out the sewing machine and reduced it from queen to twin size, even reattaching the fringe. Also bought some lace pillows for the bed. Plus my car now has three stuffed-animal companions.

What changed, that I haven't been dressing? As most of you know, my GID story is different from most. Although I certainly would have preferred being female from an early age, I didn't identify with females until a palpable gender shift in Oct-Nov 2004, prior to castration. (Heeeyyy...This month and next month is the three-year anniversary of the gender shift.) Anyway, my story is different from most.

Then two weeks ago, it seemed the GID had eased off somewhat and I realized my sexual orientation hadn't shifted as much as previously thought. (Realized I could make love to a woman, just not my wife.) Trying to make a complex psychological situation understandable in one sentence, I think my wife's rejection of me in the bedroom (June 2004) ended up twisting my psyche. So I figure, "What can be twisted can also be untwisted," and that gives me hope that I may "untwist" over time.

Yet, although optimistic two weeks ago, I seem to be declining moodwise, falling into May's pattern when I was putting off transition. Back then, my relationships were deteriorating even though transition had been shelved. Example: Declined a restaurant invitation tonight from parents and some siblings. Figured I would just be sending my male-appearing "stand in" anyway, so what's the point? I end up having to suppress so much of myself on these occasions, there's little left and I end up being quite inhibited. Although some family members are accepting, seems none of them believe my female gender, so it's awkward/frustrating/unsatisfying. I mean, if a person doesn't accept my female identity, then conversing about pink coverlets, lace pillows, toenail polish, hairstyle will just be absurd.

* * *

Got frustrated this week at how my lifelong screwed-up gender identity has resulted in screwed-up sexual appetites. Leaving out details, it seems clear that, although I've considered myself heterosexual, my psyche has wanted the woman to take on some male attributes while I take on some female attributes. But this insight came only recently. Previously, this twisting of things has expressed itself in all kinds of unusual/lurid fantasies. I'm frustrated at the inevitability of it (a natural outgrowth of an ambiguous gender identity) and the stubbornness of it (required castration to regain control of my thoughts).

And I am crying more (again). The constant stress of GID means I have less resilience for normal day-to-day frustrations. When someone has a down day, they can encourage themselves by saying, "At least my life is in order: got a nice family, etc., etc." That foundation is missing for me because my life is royally screwed. All I can say is, "Heaven will be nice."

I suppose all this makes me a fine poster child for the perils of non-transition. Prospective-MtF husbands can show this diary to their reluctant wives saying, "You don't want me to end up like this loser, do you? See what a basket-case one becomes if transition is put off?"

Will I dress tomorrow? Only tomorrow knows.

* * *

Visited EricaAnn's endocrinologist a few weeks ago and had hormone levels checked:

T = 43 (Low enough to not need spironolactone.)

E = 248 (Doctor says this is at low end of desired range.)

FSH = 26.9 (A menopausal level. Body is still asking for more hormones.)

I had been taking 2mg/day of estrogen, but bumped it to 4mg/day 10 days before the bloodwork. Left boobie is progressing, but can't even tell for sure whether the right one has changed.

Till next time,

Terri

[Mac (imported)]

Terri,

Thank you for the update.

[plix (imported)]

Terri,

Thanks so much for updating

An E level of 248 on only 4 mg a day. Wow! You must really absorb E well and metabolize it quite slowly. My E level on 4 mg daily (split into two doses) was 118. Was your 4 mg taken all at once or split into two doses of 2 mg? If it was taken all at once, maybe 248 is not so surprising. But I am surprised your doctor is saying that an estradiol level of 248 is on the low end, especially for someone your age. I think 250ish is about right. Of course, thinking that is probably why I don't have a medical degree. Listen to your doctor over me Just be sure he knows what he is doing when it comes to trans hormone therapy. I know of a lot of so-called "experts" in it who have worked with lots of patients but still don't have a clue.

Your T level is not bad for being a eunuch. Most eunuchs do not produce that much. I wish I did. I'd like to see my T around 75. Are you taking something to boost it like DHEA?

FSH has more to do with reproduction than it does hormones. Your FSH is probably high because your body is trying to induce spermatogenesis, which obviously is not going to happen. LH is the one to look at to see if your body is happy with its hormone level.

I hope you are getting other tests too, especially liver function and prolactin. Something going wrong with either of those could be really dangerous.

*Hugs* Keep up with the updates, no matter how uninteresting you think they might be

[Uncle Flo (imported)]

Hi Terri, nice to hear from you once again. --FLO--

[plix (imported)]

I did some research, and it appears that LH and FSH actually function somewhat differently in females versus males, although the underlying ideas are the same. I was used to their functions in the male body

In the male, LH's primary function is to stimulate the production of testosterone. When T is low, LH is produced and increases T. When T is high, that T triggers the brain to decrease LH output.

In the female, the opposite seems to be the case. At the peak of her cycle, the high E levels actually casue the brain to drastically increase LH production (in the male high T would inhibit LH), which triggers ovulation.

As far as FSH goes, in the male its job is to induce spermatogenesis and also produce a hormone that decreases FSH production.

In the female, FSH stimulates the follicles in the ovary to mature and produce estrogen. In the male, remember, FSH is not related to testosterone production.

I don't know whether these differences in function are due to genes or hormones, or whether the brain could be "fooled" into thinking that the body has the reproductive organs of the opposite sex with the proper hormone regimen (and thus affecting LH and FSH levels into a female pattern), but it is important to know the different functions of the two in the different sexes, and how they may, if it is hormones and not genes, mean something entirely different than they would in the male.

So your high FSH level could mean that your E is actually high rather than low if it can actually change to match a female pattern (high E also increases FSH). On the other hand, if the brain always knows what reproductive sex you are regardless of hormonal changes, then your FSH level is likely an attempt to induce spermatogenesis as I suspected before.

But also like I said before, you should be trusting your doctor over me. This is just me giving you some information that I found

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Just a quick post

to let you know I'm doing well.

Why the difference? Didn't fight transition this past week. Instead, just maintained the transition "trajectory." Dressed last weekend, and dressed today. There's some effort in "getting on the horse" each time, but once I'm there I don't want to get off. So I end up spending an entire day shopping (mostly window shopping).

Terri

P.S. to Plix: Thanks for the hormone info. But you know what I go by -- how I tell if I'm getting a good dose of estrogen? My boobies are sensitive or hurt. (Hate to borrow from bodybuilders, but it's so true: no pain, no gain.)

Also, you are absolutely right (in your Sept. 20th post above) that any latent intersex condition would be inconsequential at this point. Even if two little vestigial ovaries were discovered in my abdomen, the discovery wouldn't justify breaking up a household and radical lifestyle changes. No. But suicidal depression caused by GID? Now that's justification enough for action.

So glad we were able to finally meet each other (at the MOM in Minneapolis). I remember you fondly and you have been in my thoughts.

[Danya (imported)]

Hi Terri,

Somehow, I managed to miss your remarkable story until I saw your post today. Then I went back to the start and read everything. I can't thank you enough for sharing so much of what has often been a very difficult path. I'm dealing with some of the issues you have. I, too, thought it was a wonderful thing when I first learned of transgender surgery and actually wished I could be one of those persons, to actually go through with it I mean. I was horrified when I started to go through puberty. I shaved off my new body hair when I had to go to a school physical. There are lots of similarities, although I never played football . Of course, there are differences too, but your story really speaks to me. As for the C.. whatever test for transexuality goes, I came out as a probable transexual and although I'm not convinced of the test's accuracy, I don't disagree with the general direction. I was married for 20 years and managed to convince myself, part of the time, that I was a normal male but that was never true. I consider myself a gay/bi/eunuch mismash. I had planned to attend the twin cities MOM this summer but turned a (valid) excuse of an asthma attack into a way of chickening out. I was afraid that meeting some of you (and please don't misunderstand, I'm very impressed by the folks on this site) it would become more difficult for me to continue avoiding my own issues, which I think are actually more genital dysphoria (am I getting the right?). And besides, our beloved sister in red would be there and what chance would I have then? At any rate, I thank you and the others who have so freely shared their stories here. I'm finally accepting, I hope anyway!, that I've got to deal with my issues. It's taken me 55 years. Things have gotten to the point where I'm concerned about drinking too much so I know I need to get things in better order. I feel like I wasted so much of my life going down the wrong paths.

Peace,

Todd

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Just letting you know I'll be offline for about a week while visiting my wife and 7yo son. Wife and I have been communicating more lately, after discovering we are able to share deeply via e-mail. Phone calls don't work as well since interrogation and tone of voice are present. I don't expect any particular outcome from the trip: wife can't handle me violating gender boundaries, and I can't function within them (over the long haul). Will be in strict male-mode since son doesn't know about my issues.

Terri

P.S. to Todd: You're welcome, and thanks for adding your story.

[plix (imported)]

Terri,

Best wishes for your trip Maybe being on good terms with your wife will at least enable you to have a closer relationship with your son.

I am also very glad I got to meet you in person, and have thought of you as well