Late onset (yet always there)

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

(NOTE: Hesitated to post this diary entry. Why? Don't want you worrying about me, and it involves arcane issues about TSism and TVism which most people wouldn't worry about anyway. But if I only told you about how good today was without mentioning yesterday, you would get an incomplete picture. So, posting this as an honest/open diary of what transition can be like for some people.)

Today has been great! Was femme for the entire day. Went shopping for clothes, even trying them on in the ladies fitting room. Had lunch and dinner out at fast food places. Used my [somewhat] femme voice for all interactions. Didn't have any uncomfortable encounters (but nor did I use a public restroom). Finished the day with a walk in my neighborhood.

What a difference from yesterday! Had an emotional crash. Even unwrapped an "aftermath of suicide" video I had purchased months ago. (Had gotten it figuring it would help deter me from suicide during low times, so was saving it for a rainy day. Yesterday qualified.) Only had to watch it for a couple of minutes before it had the intended therapeutic effect.

What made yesterday so bad? A combination of things. For one, I keep questioning transition. It is such a radical treatment, so I wonder, "Is it really necessary? Is there another, 'less-invasive' way?" You see, I am an eager-to-please, easy-going, cooperative sort of person. So it's out of character to march off and do something which offends/alienates family (not to mention society in general) and jeopardizes employment.

So, not giving myself fully to transition was one factor in yesterday's emotional crash. Another is a TG friend invited me to a free church dinner. Although the church is friendly toward TGs and I intended to go, found I had to turn the car around. For that's when the emotional crash occurred: too many tears to drive. The rejection I experienced in Florida left too strong a mark.

A third factor was an apparent resurgence of transvestism. First off, keep in mind it is an insult if you call a transsexual a transvestite. To accuse a GID sufferer of dressing for base sexual pleasure...ARGH! All I can say is the accuser hasn't a clue! Second, transvestism is one of the reasons I sought castration (and it worked). But here's where the problem came in: I purchased some nylon underwear and washed it yesterday morning. While setting the underwear out to dry, Mr. Penis saluted the occasion. I thought, "How am I ever going to wear this stuff?" That's NOT why I bought the underwear.

Anyway, it resulted in something of an identity crisis: "Am I really a TV in denial, hiding under the cloak of TSism?" Didn't feel better about it until my evening walk when I realized: "I dress androgynously with the hope that most people will perceive me as female. Why don't I go out femme more often? Because I don't want to be taken for a man in women's clothing. If I were TV, dressing would provide its own reward. But dressing is nothing for me; being perceived as the right gender is everything." (Sorry if my thinking is a bit convoluted, but it does makes sense to this TS.)

Today was a big improvement over yesterday. Got back on the proverbial horse and took control of my transition by having an all-femme day. Something which helped enourage is I may have "found my voice." First voice was too much like Julia Child. The second was a highly-resonant androgynous voice. This third voice was the first to gain approval from others.

Terri

[Uncle Flo (imported)]

Hi Terri, I'm glad the good days are balancing against the bad days. --FLO--

[ramses (imported)]

Hang in there Terri. I think it is good for you and us for you to share the negatives and the positives of your journey. I admire your courage and determination and wish you a future full of acceptance and happiness.

Many hugs, Ramses

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Saturdays have become "femme day" for me. I spend the entire day in girl mode. Doesn't prevent ol' unstable gender identity from showing up, however. When I was out Saturday morning, felt like "I really don't have to do this. What am I doing?"

Dropped by my parents one evening in femme mode. Figured they were probably curious, "What does Terry look like when he dresses?" Now they know. Dad took it better than Mom. She says, "I've lost a son" and "You can't pass as a woman." Dad corrected her and said, "No, I think he would be accepted as a woman."

Made some transition-progress at work today: came out to the office manager. Not only is she fine with it, it was a springboard for further conversation about various problems people around her have.

Had a major-depressing day yesterday. Why?

(1) I'm still resisting transition. Why? It's so radical and so morally-ambiguous. Plus, it's inconceivable to me that some sort of partial accommodation to the disorder wouldn't suffice.

(2) Another reason for the depression is how my family relationships have suffered; feel like I'm going to be held at arm's length from now on. Most of them don't like the idea of me transitioning, but it's as though the damage is already done: their "love" hasn't stood the test. I have revealed my true self to them and they are saying, in essence, "There's something damaged about you. Go see a psychiatrist." So my true self is being rejected. It's as though they want an actor for a son. In frustration, I fantasized about putting an ad in the newspaper (complete with my parents' name and phone number):

WANTED: Actor to replace the son we used to know (now transsexual). Should be creative, loving, and enjoy playing piano. Must have no effeminate tendencies. Part-time evenings and weekends. Contact...

At this point, regaining their full love by resisting transition would be no victory at all. In fact, if I did resist transition indefinitely (by "white-knuckling it" as EricaAnn puts it), I would probably be so sullen and resentful that I would

n't want anything to do with them.

They don't see that this is a life-and-death struggle. In a sense, I feel like a boxer who wants to get out of the profession out of concern he's going to suffer real damage someday, but family is telling him to do his duty and stay in the ring. Does that boxer feel like fighting for his family's benefit/welfare after that? Not likely.

(3) When I picture staying male indefinitely and continuing with my present job, boredom/futilty/depression wells up in me. Staying male would require a job which got my attention and "drove" me. So my job hangs in the balance either way. Guess that's why I felt bold enough to come out to a co-worker.

So yesterday was depressing. I called it my "I DON'T GIVE A DAMN" (IDGAD) day. Have skipped at least four estrogen doses because I just don't give a damn. Guess I'm having my period.

Two things helped brighten my day yesterday:

(1) A fast-food worker said, "Here's your food, ma'am" at the end of a transaction, even though I was in boy mode (long pants, in fact).

(2) Prayerful thoughts: Was thinking I could pray to be latently intersexed, i.e., for either undeveloped female organs to show up in my abdomen or chromosomal abnormalities. That would be my ticket to legitimacy with my family. That's something us transsexuals fervently desire: physical validation for our inward feelings, thus granting us legitimacy. I'm toying with getting an abdominal x-ray and chromosomal testing because of the value a positive result would have on my family relationships. Maybe my wife would even accept me at that point.

Then I think: "But what's the point, anyway? The symptoms would be the same in either case, so isn't my transsexualism worth addressing as well?" But that's not how outsiders view it.

The hope of being secretly intersexed has me feeling, "This could be my ticket to acceptance. Mom and sister would say, 'Terri--you're one of us.'" That would be so precious to hear. If I don't get tested for intersexed conditions, I will probably harbor the delusion I have undeveloped female organs in my abdomen simply to justify measures to myself.

Now, I realize this discussion of my hopes for a latent intersex condition is a pitiful commentary on how desperate we TSs can get. Just telling like it is, letting you peer inside the mind of a transsexual.

Terri

[EricaAnn (imported)]

Terri,

OMG, what is going on with you?

When you are ready, please call me so we can talk.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Just a quick update to let you know I'm doing well.

Dysphoria has been low over the past few days. It feels like my gender identity has moved more toward the middle. Yet, if I catch "male" in the mirror, it disturbs me. And being sir'd bugs me. So gender identity probably hasn't shifted. Rather, it just means my transition is on schedule.

Figured I would do this "period" thing properly. Taking a week's break from estrogen; using progesterone cream in the meantime. No mood swings or emotional changes so far. Sleeping well.

Had my underarms lasered today. The clinic is having a "name your own price" special, so I splurged: $400 for 6 treatments. The regular price is over $600. (For reference, $1300 was the price for lasering the beard.) I wouldn't have bothered with the underarms but small moles (skin flags) make shaving the underarms problematic.

* * *

IT'S OFFICIAL: We transsexuals have COOTIES!

Driving past the blood bank, there was a sign which said, "Urgent Blood Shortage -- Donate Today." Haven't given for years (after being turned down in the early 90's for having a promiscuous sexual partner in the 80's). Figured they may be desperate enough to want my blood again. Told them of the past rejection, but they said that wasn't a problem. Told them I had some estrogen in my system; still not an issue (at first). When the supervisor was brought in, I mentioned HRT. She asked, "For what reason?" Told her, "Transsexual." At that point, her hands spoke a loud and clear No way! as she stated, "No. We don't take transsexuals under any circumstances." My feelings were a bit hurt. Felt like I was slime which had to be scraped off the floor.

Terri

[EricaAnn (imported)]

Terri,

Glad to hear that you're doing well. I'm also excited to hear about the underarm hair removal. Shaving is such a pain.

A couple of things though. First, we TG girls don't have "periods." Going on and off of the estrogen is very hard on your body and I'm sure if you asked the doctor about this he would very much be against what you're doing. If you're going to be under a doctor's care for your HRT, I would highly suggest following his instructions. STOP PLAYING DOCTOR, Sweetie! I don't know what you're trying to accomplish other than delaying your development and progress.

Secondly, you may feel you have "cooties" but I don't share your feelings on this topic. I'm just your normal girl and as far as I know, girls stop having "cooties" back about the fourth grade.

Have some confidence in yourself and don't worry so much about pleasing your family. If they're going to accept you for yourself, that's great, if not you have to decide if you're going to let them determine your course or if you are the one in control of your life.

[plix (imported)]

Terri,

Glad to hear from you

I have to agree with EricaAnn. Skipping the estrogen is not good. Not for your body or your mind. If you want to be on it, take it every day (or however often your particular method should be taken). If you don't want to be on it, stay off of it. I have put my body through more than it can handle with all of my going back and forth with hormones. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone.

Now progesterone on the other hand can be cycled. But you should still take the E along with it. Progesterone should be taken for 10-14 days each month. And of course it should be natural progesterone, not a progestin.

As far as the blood donation thing is concerned, I would have said nothing about the estrogen, and I certainly would not have mentioned being transsexual. Women donate all the time with plenty of estrogen in their blood. It won't affect the quality of your blood at all. The reason they denied you is because they assumed that as a transsexual you sleep around with a great number of men, and men who sleep with even one man are supposed to be permanently banned from donating, although many still do.

I have considered having genetic testing done as well to see if I have an intersex condition, but I haven't for a couple of reasons. One is that I show no physical signs of such a condition - I have a normally masculine body in all respects. So I would be very surprised if I turned out to be intersex. The only possibility that could even remotely be true is XX male syndrome. But for that condition you have to be infertile. I'll never know if I was fertile or not, but if you have had biological children, then you are not XX male.

The second reason is that I was once asked by someone this question - would it matter? If I tested and turned out to be intersex, what would it really change? And if I turned out not to be, what would that really change? That question made me decide not to undergo any testing, because I realized the results would make no difference one way or the other.

Your dad is correct - you will definitely be accepted as a woman. Getting ma'amed when not even trying is the best sign you can get

[mrt (imported)]

Having been a total Doctor a phobe at one point I can "understand" your wanting to play doctor but PLEASE listen to Plix and Erica Ann. None of us wants you to be hurt and goofing around with hormones can be so dangerous. A doctor (Any good one) swears an oath about doctor patient confidentiality.

They also have your health as their primary mission. So, if your using hormones from Joe's Mexican Hormone Store they will at the very least monitor you to see they are not frying your liver etc.

Plix and I have talked a little bit about my (his) experience with HRT and how it changes attitudes, behaviour etc. I think its well worth seeing a good MD and getting on a healthy dose but that takes real work! Labs, dose adjustments and more labs and more dose adjustments to get it right. Your diary (my opinion) is you tracking a wild roller coaster of meds and their influence on you. HRT is not an exact science but to get it right you need to be (Again, my opinion) more scientific about it.

These people who think you have cooties are the same type geniuses who think skin color defines people. They were probably telling people they didn't want "black" blood. Idiots! Ignore them...

[plix (imported)]

Terri,

How are you doing? Hope all is going well

You really should update more often. We do worry about you