Late onset (yet always there)

[JesusA (imported)]

Terri,

I sent a copy of your posts #298 and #299 above to one of my favorite people, Dr. Rebecca Auge, a counselor who specializes in gender questions. I have found her to be consistently supportive and open. She seems to be more compassionate and helpful than most of the sex research folk I know. Her website

Gender and Life’s Paths (http://rebeccaaugephd.blogspot.com/)

has new posts daily about questions of gender. I highly recommend it to anyone who is interested in these questions.

Here’s Rebecca’s response to your posts:

Thanks, Tom, for bringing my blog, etc. to the attention of others.

Concerning Terri's issues. . .many of my clients over the years have had similar concerns. Terri is not alone.

Some find help with finding a resolution by answers to the questions:

1) How do I feel?

2) What do I want?

3) Would I rather be an androgynous man or woman?

4) What fits better for me?

. . .and not just one trip through the questions, but repeated ones, especially with a therapist and peers.

And, I'll add one doesn't have to be 100% woman (or man) to qualify for hormones or surgery. Truth be told, no one's 100%.

Take care,

Rebecca

Here’s a recent post from Rebecca’s site that shows that progress is being made:

Social trends favor transgender consumers

Stepping Out!

Consumer Rights: In 2000, 3.8% of the US population lived in legal jurisdictions that explicitly protected the consumer rights of transgendered consumers. Six years later that percentage has increased eightfold to 31% This percentage does not include the legislation recently passed in New Jersey (passing by a 10-to-1 majority) making it the ninth state to outlaw discrimination against their transgender residents.

Corporate Policies: In 1997, Lucent Technologies because the first Fortune 500 company to include 'gender identity and/expression' in their anti-discrimation/sexual harassment policies. Less than ten years later, there are now 110 Fortune 500 companies extending these protections to their transgendered employees and employment applicants.

Corporate Advertising: Corporate American has learned that there is no significant backlash to advertising to the GLBT market and substantial rewards for doing so. The number of corporations advertising in GLBT media has tripled over the last ten years. Advertising has awaken the GLBT consumer to their power in the marketplace.

Spending Power: The GLBT market spends an estimated $464,000,000,000. The transgendered population of the United States is generally recognized to be 10% of the GLBT population of 16,000,000 and as such they spend roughly $46,000,000,000 annually.

Social Acceptance: Social analysts were surprised by the results of a 2002 national poll. 74% of those polled said they would have no objection to working with a transgendered co-worker. 77% feel that transgendered children should be allowed to attend public shcools. 68% favor protections for transgendered individuals against hate crimes. These numbers suggest that society is ready for the transgendered individual to become a more active member of their community.

Hollywood and the Media: 'Transamerica' and the acclaim Felicity Huffman recieved for her portrayal of a transgendered individual is merely the best example (and by no means the only example) of a new sensitivity in the media towards transgendered individauls, a willingness to portray them as more deserving of compassion than ridicule. . . .

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

To Jesus (the EA one): Thank you for advocating for me by sending the posts to Rebecca. It's comforting to hear that one doesn't have to be 100% female to qualify for hormones, etc.

* * *

Just finished Daphne Scholinski's book, The Last Time I Wore a Dress. Daphne is a very masculine female, and this made it hard for others to relate to her, including her parents. As a result, during her teens (early 1980's), Daphne spent three years in mental hospitals for what essentially amounted to bad behavior and possessing a dysfunctional family. To her surprise, the doctors cited GID as one of her problems.

The doctors naively thought they could solve Daphne's problems by developing her feminine side. Her "treatment" included practicing with mascara and eyeliner.

What did I come away with from the book? The sad realization that people like us used to be placed in mental institutions. Not such a remote thing considering a year ago, my wife would have had me committed (with my mom's full agreement) if it were possible in this day and age. But, as my wife explained, "there isn't a way to do it."

Although the book was an interesting and sometimes heart-rending peek into mental institutions, it left me unsatisfied; I was expecting more discussion of GID-related matters. What is unusual is Daphne didn't suffer any dysphoria -- she simply went about life as a masculine female, somewhat unwittingly. When she was young, grocery store clerks (mistaking her for a boy) got angry at her for using the women's restroom. As an adult, she still encounters disbelieving looks and impolite questions as she stands in line for the ladies room. How masculine-looking is she? Teenaged girls mistook her for Kevin Bacon after a showing of Footloose.

Most poignant quote (pg. 197, emphasis added):

I still wonder why I wasn't treated for my depression, why no one noticed I'd been sexually abused, why the doctors didn't seem to believe that I came from a home with physical violence. Why the thing they cared the most about was whether I acted the part of a feminine young lady. The shame is that the effects of depression, sexual abuse, violence [are all] treatable. But where I stood on the feminine/masculine scale: unchangeable. It's who I am.

Something else interesting from the book: At one hospital, patients entertained themselves by faking various disorders from the mental disorder book, to see whether staff would take them seriously and add it to their charts. Daphne knew intuitively, however, that none of them would dare fake GID. As she puts it:

We knew the rules: pacing, screaming, hallucinating, and vomiting were okay. Not okay was walking around with a scarf in your hair, for a boy, or being like me, a girl who never felt comfortable in a dress. Yes, there is huge stigma for messing around with gender boundaries.

* * *

Had my second laser session on Wednesday. Still was freaked out by the thru-the-skin flashes and was a ninny. At least this time, I didn't make any foolish purchases afterward (like a used car). Went directly home to put ice on my face. The technician used 25 joules this time, and the "sunburn" sensation on my face lasted 5 hours, with redness continuing to the next day. I wonder if the laser sessions have a physiological effect on the psyche; it seems like they knock me off balance for a few days.

How was my weekend? Fairly depressing. Felt kind of ugly. I wonder if GID is something you have to actively battle all the time in order to have the upper hand. I thought simply staying on schedule for transition would be sufficient.

How depressed? While watching a documentary about Freddie Mercury, I envied his illness (AIDS) which eventually killed him. When I considered masturbating Saturday night, I was like a spoiled/bratty child: "Not with THAT thing! Forget it."

One depressing factor: Although noticable breast growth has begun, the growth is asymmetrical. The left shows promise, whereas the right isn't showing any development that I can tell. (I'm left-handed, by the way.)

Work also has me a bit harried, hence depressed. Which reminds me:

--> I'll be out of town on business this week and won't be back until Saturday, July 28.

* * *

Still fairly comfortable with my anti-gender-bipolarism analysis. Gender binarism may be a better name, conveying the black-and-white of a computer's binary numbers, 0 or 1. Still comfortable not trying to classify my gender anymore. I mean, what's the point? Gender classification is useful for most of the population, but it just doesn't work for some of us.

What if I decided gender bipolarism is right after all? Then today's post would have been completely different and asked the question, "What is gender?" I would have tried analyzing/dissecting gender all over again. Much more peaceful/restful to accept a blend of genders than to try putting a square peg into a round hole.

That's all for now,

Terri

[plix (imported)]

Terri,

So good to hear from you again.

I have read the book you mentioned and came away with much of what you did. It is always good to see the issues from the opposing side. That side certainly has many of the same struggles that feminine males have.

Yes, it certainly is nice that involuntary commitment laws are much stricter today and that you cannot be committed simply because family members feel that you need to be.

It was ironic that they insisted on treating the one thing that was the least responsive to treatment.

Gender bipolarism is no longer very comfortable for me either. I learned long ago that female is not right for me, and yet I don't feel 100% male either. The only difference with me is that I plan on living and presenting as unquestionably male. That seems to be what works best for me.

Those of us who have the strongest cases of full, classic TSism are so few. Most TSs would be quite surprised to find that they actually fit somewhere in between a lot better than they do fully on the other side. But unfortunately for that majority, society will not accept in between, and so transition is the only option.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Just a short note to let you know I'

m back from the business trip (a week of training).

Started reading Julia Serano's book Whipping Girl. Julia is an outspoken MtF whose gender writings appear in college classes. I cried when I read her description of the GID experience because it is so accurate, eloquent, and touching. I'll quote some in my next post.

GID didn't interfere much with the business trip. Just that I thought one of the presenters was cute. While fluffing my hair in the bathroom, realized I was doing it for him, to make myself 'attractive' (even though I was in male mode). Thought to myself, "This is crazy." Promptly stopped fluffing, got a little teary-eyed, and left the bathroom.

Terri

P.S. to Plix: So good to

hear from you, too. Looking forward to seeing you at the Midwest meeting-of-members.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Having success with the "andro" look. Got maam'd throughout a store transaction today. Didn't want to spoil things by bringing out my male-name credit card so paid with cash. The male cashier even did a double-hand change return (one hand above mine, one below). Never got one of those before.

Last week, hit a home run with the andro look. A teller in her twenties said, "I can help you over here, Miss." Miss. Can you believe it? Inside, I was going, "Woo-hoo!" Ma'ams are nice, but 'Miss'? Never expected one of those, especially not at 50 years old.

* * *

Now, wanted to give you some quotes from Julia Serano's book Whipping Girl. This first quote shows me my future, since it contains my present:

After reading Kate Bornstein...I began to think of myself as bigendered. In the years just prior to my transition, I started to express my femaleness as much as possible within the context of having a male body; I became a very androgynous queer boy in the eyes of the world. While it felt relieving to simply be myself, not to care about what other people thought of me, I still found myself grappling with a constant, compelling subconscious knowledge that I should be female rather than male.

That "subconscious knowledge" reveals itself when looking in the mirror. I subconsciously expect to see female. When I see male, it bums me out and I take measures.

(Digression: Taking that thought further, I've started hypothesizing that people's appearances reveal more of themselves than we realize. Because if there isn't reasonable congruence between our internal self and our appearance, we take measures to bring them into congruence.)

In this next passage, Julia explains what it is like to suffer from GID:

For me, the hardest part about being trans has not been the discrimination or ridicule that I have faced for defying societal gender norms, but rather the internal pain I experienced when my subconscious and conscious sexes were at odds with one another. I think this is best captured by the psychological term "cognitive dissonance," which describes the mental tension and stress that occur in a person's mind when they find themselves holding two contradictory thoughts or views simultaneously--in this case, subconsciously seeing myself as female while consciously dealing with the fact that I was male. This gender dissonance can manifest itself in a number of ways. Sometimes it felt like stress or anxiousness, which led to marathon battles with insomnia. Other times, it surfaced as jealousy or anger at other people who seemed to enjoy taking their gender for granted. But most of all, it felt like sadness to me--a sort of gender sadness--a chronic and persistent grief over the fact that I felt so wrong in my body.

In an attempt to convey gender pain to others, she talks about how "being stuck in a bad relationship or unfulfilling job can make a person miserable and lead to a depression so intense it spills over into all other other areas of that person's life. These types of pain can be tolerated temporarily, but in the long run, if things do not change, that stress and sadness can ruin a person." (I know the feeling; I've been on the ragged edge.) She continues: "If that much despair can be generated by a forty-hour-a-week job, then just imagine how despondent and distressed one might become if one was forced to live in a gender that felt wrong for twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week." So true.

Unlike most forms of sadness that I've experienced, which inevitably ease with time, my gender dissonance only got worse with each passing day. And by the time I made the decision to transition, my gender dissonance had gotten so bad that it completely consumed me; it hurt more than any pain, physical or emotional, that I had ever experienced. I know that most people believe that transsexuals transition because we want to be the other sex, but that is an oversimplification. After all, I wanted to be a female almost my whole life, but I was far too terrified of the label "transsexual," or of having potential regrets, to seriously consider transitioning. What changed during that twenty-some-year period was not my desire to be female, but rather my ability to cope with being male, to cope with my own gender dissonance. When I made the decision to transtion, I honestly had no idea what it would be like for me to live as a female. The only thing I knew for sure was that pretending to be male was slowly killing me.

So true and so aptly stated. Who wants the social stigma of being a TRANSSEXUAL? Nobody. Who can know beforehand whether living as the opposite sex will bring resolution/peace? Nobody. But when the male ship is sinking, the only option is to sail on the female ship.

Had a good day. Hope you did too,

Terri

[mrt (imported)]

I'm truly out of my zone so forgive this if its dumb. Is not the "goal" you seek not to be "transexual" but to be female? I mean isin't "transexual" more of a discription of how you get to where your headed?

I thought the plan was to move from the male to the female. I can't imagine a drivers license that says "Trans" for example.

And while I "get" the problems you mention about being in both worlds doesn't the over riding push come from you going from the male to the female?

Hi all,

Having success with the "andro" look. Got maam'd throughout a store transaction today. Didn't want to spoil things by bringing out my male-name credit card so paid with cash. The male cashier even did a double-hand change return (one hand above mine, one below). Never got one of those before.

Last week, hit a home run with the andro look. A teller in her twenties said, "I can help you over here, Miss." Miss. Can you believe it? Inside, I was going, "Woo-hoo!" Ma'ams are nice, but 'Miss'? Never expected one of those, especially not at 50 years old.

* * *

Now, wanted to give you some quotes from Julia Serano's book Whipping Girl. This first quote shows me my future, since it contains my present:

That "subconscious knowledge" reveals itself when looking in the mirror. I subconsciously expect to see female. When I see male, it bums me out and I take measures.

(Digression: Taking that thought further, I've started hypothesizing that people's appearances reveal more of themselves than we realize. Because if there isn't reasonable congruence between our internal self and our appearance, we take measures to bring them into congruence.)

In this next passage, Julia explains what it is like to suffer from GID:

In an attempt to convey gender pain to others, she talks about how "being stuck in a bad relationship or unfulfilling job can make a person miserable and lead to a depression so intense it spills over into all other other areas of that person's life. These types of pain can be tolerated temporarily, but in the long run, if things do not change, that stress and sadness can ruin a person." (I know the feeling; I've been on the ragged edge.) She continues: "If that much despair can be generated by a forty-hour-a-week job, then just imagine how despondent and distressed one might become if one was forced to live in a gender that felt wrong for twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week." So true.

So true and so aptly stated. Who wants the social stigma of being a TRANSSEXUAL? Nobody. Who can know beforehand whether living as the opposite sex will bring resolution/peace? Nobody. But when the male ship is sinking, the only option is to sail on the female ship.

Had a good day. Hope you did too,

Terri

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Things are going well. I've been on estrogen continuously for over two months with absolutely no plans to stop. Good days outnumber the bad ones. Breast development is proceeding and starting to show, adding a pleasing feminine touch to my overall appearance.

I suppose my transition officially started June 5th, the day after the sentiment,

"If I could pull the plug on my life and forever cease to exist, I’d be tempted to do it."

So when doubts arise about transition, can simply look back to June 4th and know I'm doing the right thing. But still have my times when full-time femalehood scares me.

Survived a week of vacation/reunion with my family. Although 'survived' may sound exaggerated, it's truer than you think: suicidal thoughts were more frequent last week and I was glad to get back to normal workaday life. Really appreciated a night out with Erica and Louise on Saturday.

As time goes on, as more memories are examined, I feel increasingly confident that my identity is female. The present also validates it: transition's changes to my body are most welcome, and I'm happiest/most-comfortable when my presentation is feminine enough that people sometimes ma'am me. Sunday morning was hard emotionally when I had trouble getting the 'man' out of the mirror (after a week with my family in strict boy-mode).

Looking forward to this weekend's gathering in Minneapolis. See you there,

Terri

P.S. to Mr. T -- You are correct that being a transsexual is not a goal. Yes, I seek to be female. But in seeking that goal, I also become a transsexual. If I'm accepted as a female, few will know I'm transsexual. But to many people: "Once a transsexual, always a transsexual." Transsexuals are low on the social ladder, incurring stigma and wrath from many. If I let people know I'm transsexual, I risk losing them and their respect; if I try to hide my past, I will have to replace it with lies. Uncomfortable either way -- but better than living with constant GID. Suffice it to say I will never consider running for public office.

Hope that explains it.

[mrt (imported)]

Hi all,

Things are going well. I've been on estrogen continuously for over two months with absolutely no plans to stop. Good days outnumber the bad ones. Breast development is proceeding and starting to show, adding a pleasing feminine touch to my overall appearance.

I suppose my transition officially started June 5th, the day after the sentiment,

"If I could pull the plug on my life and foreve

r cease to exist, I

’d be tempted to do it." So when doubts arise about transition, can simply look back to June 4th and know I'm doing the right thing. But still have my times when full-time femalehood scares me.

Survived a week of vacation/reunion with my family. Although 'survived' may sound exaggerated, it's truer than you think: suicidal thoughts were more frequent last week and I was glad to get back to normal workaday life. Really appreciated a night out with Erica and Louise on Saturday.

As time goes on, as more memories are examined, I feel increasingly confident that my identity is female. The present also validates it: transition's changes to my body are most welcome, and I'm happiest/most-comfortable when my presentation is feminine enough that people sometimes ma'am me. Sunday morning was hard emotionally when I had trouble getting the 'man' out of the mirror (after a week with my family in strict boy-mode).

Looking forward to this weekend's gathering in Minneapolis. See you there,

Terri

P.S. to Mr. T -- You are correct that being a transsexual is not a goal. Yes, I seek to be female. But in seeking that goal, I also become a transsexual. If I'm accepted as a female, few will know I'm transsexual. But to many people: "Once a transsexual, always a transsexual." Transsexuals are low on the social ladder, incurring stigma and wrath from many. If I let people know I'm transsexual, I risk losing them and their respect; if I try to hide my past, I will have to replace it with lies. Uncomfortable either way -- but better than living with constant GID. Suffice it to say I will never consider

running for public office.

Hope that explains it.

I don't remember where I read it (the Internet) but I picked up on that from another person who said in essence "I had to be Transexual to become what I am (And I think always was supposed to be)" Anyway she was very put off by the label "transexual" once she had stopped being in the trans part of it. If this makes any sense at all. And I do agree there are (some) folks that hang this stigma over people in transition. But we have had the same people think men with more skin pigment were all "defective" and such so I don't know that its important. BTW on the topic of tolerance - I saw the guy (Robertson?) from the 700 club say that transexuals are (I'm paraphrasing) ok. He said if they are not fornicating, commiting adulty etc why would there be a problem? He said this was strictly a medical problem.

If I can ask one more question. Other then say a person you got intimate with (and in particular) one that wanted bio kids why would it be anyones biz? Maybe being quiet about it is not the right approach because you want to tell the world that you exist? Or to promote it as not being "weird" but simply clinical?

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Had a wonderful at the EA "Midwest Meeting of Members" in Minneapolis this past weekend. Highlights:

- Being able to meet so many members in person.

- Unmatched friendliness and welcome by everyone in attendance. Hugs outnumbered handshakes by a wide margin.

- Effortless mixing with other attendees. (I'm normally shy and reserved. However, there's no need for shyness when we can be ourselves.)

- Generous hospitality by those who purchased food, hosted (either by mobile home or picnic tent), and/or cooked.

- Dancing on Saturday night!

IN VINIRUM VERITAS (where vinirum is pronounced "weenie room")

Special highlight on the way home: In the Men's restroom at the airport, a man in his 30's came in, saw me standing by the wastebasket and quickly left, saying, "Think I'm in the wrong place..." That's the highest form of compliment for an MtF. Woo-hoo!

* * *

Continuing to read

Julia Serano's book Whipping Girl.

She does other MtF-transgendered folks a favor by outlining the sexual fantasies and quirks she had as a male-bodied teenager under the influence of testosterone. She states, "So without ever having seen pulp fiction or hardcore porn, my thirteen-year-old brain started concocting scenarios straight out of SM handbooks" (page 274). Nice to see my experience wasn't unique. I think cross-gendering leads to a special set of problems when it comes to sexuality. Although castration didn't cure my transgenderism, it did cure me of troubling sexual appetites. 'Nuff said.

Terri

[plix (imported)]

Terri,

I am glad you had fun at the meeting. I know I did as well, and I certainly enjoyed finally having the opportunity to meet you in person. I can tell you that should you choose to go further in transition, you will have absolutely no problems passing. (Just change those glasses )

I can tell you were definitely having a good time on the dance floor on Saturday, especially with being the only one of us who stayed sober .

Congrats on your restroom experience! That should definitely go to show you that you are going to have no difficulties in passing as whoever you want to be.