Late onset (yet always there)
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Kangan (imported)
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Re: Late onset (yet always there)
Bryan, I think you are doing just fine. Everyone has good days and bad days. Here's a hug for you!
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bryan (imported)
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Re: Late onset (yet always there)
Hi all,
CAPTURE THE MOMENT, PART II
Left work early. Been crying. I'm on my seventh snotty Kleenex now. Found out the car purchased yesterday is a junker requiring $3000 of work. Worst part is the brakes are on their last legs. So even if I just wanted to drive it till it breaks, I can't for reasons of conscience and safety. But although it hurts to lose $1900, I'm crying over something bigger:
For those of us whose mental condition and/or emotional stability have been questioned by others, we sometimes see glimpses of ourselves which frighten us. This is one such time. I AM SO NAIVE. I SHOWED SUCH POOR JUDGEMENT. I FEEL LIKE SUCH A SHEEP. Didn't even want a car that much, but my parents have been nagging me about the appearance of my pick-up truck. Was this a manic episode? Was the psychiatrist in Philadelphia correct -- do I have tendencies toward mania?
The logic continues: If I showed such poor judgement in the car purchase, where else in my life am I showing poor judgement? THAT'S a scary question. Makes me want to "shut down" and refuse to take any actions or make any decisions for awhile. Then the biggie: Is the decision to transition demonstrating poor judgement? BUT WHAT ELSE CAN I DO? Feel like I need a guardian. Makes me wonder how much stability and leadership my wife contributed to my life. Come to think of it, something unusual was how I behaved in the early years of marriage on the rare occasions when my wife was gone for a week or so. Didn't know what to do with myself at those times and my actions demonstrated some instability.
Like I said: the glimpses we get of ourselves can sometimes be frightening.
Feeling a bit better now. Grateful for a place to unload.
Terri
P.S. to Kangan: Thanks for the hug.
CAPTURE THE MOMENT, PART II
Left work early. Been crying. I'm on my seventh snotty Kleenex now. Found out the car purchased yesterday is a junker requiring $3000 of work. Worst part is the brakes are on their last legs. So even if I just wanted to drive it till it breaks, I can't for reasons of conscience and safety. But although it hurts to lose $1900, I'm crying over something bigger:
For those of us whose mental condition and/or emotional stability have been questioned by others, we sometimes see glimpses of ourselves which frighten us. This is one such time. I AM SO NAIVE. I SHOWED SUCH POOR JUDGEMENT. I FEEL LIKE SUCH A SHEEP. Didn't even want a car that much, but my parents have been nagging me about the appearance of my pick-up truck. Was this a manic episode? Was the psychiatrist in Philadelphia correct -- do I have tendencies toward mania?
The logic continues: If I showed such poor judgement in the car purchase, where else in my life am I showing poor judgement? THAT'S a scary question. Makes me want to "shut down" and refuse to take any actions or make any decisions for awhile. Then the biggie: Is the decision to transition demonstrating poor judgement? BUT WHAT ELSE CAN I DO? Feel like I need a guardian. Makes me wonder how much stability and leadership my wife contributed to my life. Come to think of it, something unusual was how I behaved in the early years of marriage on the rare occasions when my wife was gone for a week or so. Didn't know what to do with myself at those times and my actions demonstrated some instability.
Like I said: the glimpses we get of ourselves can sometimes be frightening.
Feeling a bit better now. Grateful for a place to unload.
Terri
P.S. to Kangan: Thanks for the hug.
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Uncle Flo (imported)
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Re: Late onset (yet always there)
Hi, Terri. Reminds me of a car I once bought. I paid cash for it. I drove it home from the car dealer and it never ran again. --FLO--
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mrt (imported)
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Re: Late onset (yet always there)
bryan (imported) wrote: Fri Jun 22, 2007 11:34 am Hi all,
CAPTURE THE MOMENT, PART II
Left work early. Been crying. I'm on my seventh snotty Kleenex now. Found out the car purchased yesterday is a junker requiring $3000 of work. Worst part is the brakes are on their last legs. So even if I just wanted to drive it till it breaks, I can't for reasons of conscience and safety. But although it hurts to lose $1900, I'm crying over something bigger:
For those of us whose mental condition and/or emotional stability have been questioned by others, we sometimes see glimpses of ourselves which frighten us. This is one such time. I AM SO NAIVE. I SHOWED SUCH POOR JUDGEMENT. I FEEL LIKE SUCH A SHEEP. Didn't even want a car that much, but my parents have been nagging me about the appearance of my pick-up truck. Was this a manic episode? Was the psychiatrist in Philadelphia correct -- do I have tendencies toward mania?
The logic continues: If I showed such poor judgement in the car purchase, where else in my life am I showing poor judgement? THAT'S a scary question. Makes me want to "shut down" and refuse to take any actions or make any decisions for awhile. Then the biggie: Is the decision to transition demonstrating poor judgement? BUT WHAT ELSE CAN I DO? Feel like I need a guardian. Makes me wonder how much stability and leadership my wife contributed to my life. Come to think of it, something unusual was how I behaved in the early years of marriage on the rare occasions when my wife was gone for a week or so. Didn't know what to do with myself at those times and my actions demonstrated some instability.
Like I said: the glimpses we get of ourselves can sometimes be frightening.
Feeling a bit better now. Grateful for a place to unload.
Terri
P.S. to Kangan: Thanks for the hug.
Hey mistakes happen. Get on Google and see if your state has a Lemon law?
If not I can tell you from first hand experience that changing brakes is an easy job. Hang in there and don't be down on yourself. Little bumps in life are bound to happen.
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bryan (imported)
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Re: Late onset (yet always there)
UPDATE on the junker: The seller deliberately deceived me. Whereas the A/C cooled yesterday, it didn't today. He must have known the system leaked and filled it with freon for the sale. Ditto with the power steering: he topped off the fluid so it would sound okay. Much noisier this morning, along with a puddle underneath.
* * *
Speaking of used cars: Back in 1983 during my first marriage while money was tight, one of our cars died and I replaced it quickly with a somewhat rusty, light-green/fake-wood 1975 Dodge Colt station wagon for $450. What would my wife think of the purchase? Hadn't really considered that since this was going to be my commuter car.
When she got home from work that day, her first words (in an irritated tone of voice) were, "WHOSE GREEN SHITBOX IS THAT IN OUR DRIVEWAY?!"
Laughing with tears at the memory,
Terri
P.S. to Uncle Flo and Mr. T: Thanks for your words of encouragement.
* * *
Speaking of used cars: Back in 1983 during my first marriage while money was tight, one of our cars died and I replaced it quickly with a somewhat rusty, light-green/fake-wood 1975 Dodge Colt station wagon for $450. What would my wife think of the purchase? Hadn't really considered that since this was going to be my commuter car.
When she got home from work that day, her first words (in an irritated tone of voice) were, "WHOSE GREEN SHITBOX IS THAT IN OUR DRIVEWAY?!"
Laughing with tears at the memory,
Terri
P.S. to Uncle Flo and Mr. T: Thanks for your words of encouragement.
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Transformer54 (imported)
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Re: Late onset (yet always there)
Hi Terri, So sorry to hear about this episode with the car, I don't believe a lemond law applies to a private seller though. As in the words of the privouse posts we all have our ups and downs. I had to learn to repair cars myself. This good in two folds: 1) can repair it cheaply, and 2) you can also take your furstrations out on the damn thing. I would start with the brakes, for an immediate fix just put a set of pads on it first, they are about $20-$25. this is relatively easy too! as far as the power steering pump goes, go to the local auto parts and get some stop leak designed for power steering systems. Keep in mind these are all just temporary fixs, and save some more for a better one and trade this one off soon. Good Luck dear!!! best wishs
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bryan (imported)
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Re: Late onset (yet always there)
Hi all,
UPDATE ON CAR: While driving the newly-purchased 1996 car across town to a junker, observed how nicely it rode. (Much nicer than my truck.) Stopped at a brake shop to get a second opinion; only $350 and the brakes would be fine. So, decided to keep the car after all.
* * *
Been reading David Reimer's biography ("As Nature Made Him"). The basic lesson his life teaches us is that gender is inborn, not the result of environment (i.e., "nature over nurture"). No amount of training nor cajoling could make him into a satisfied, non-dysfunctional girl. As his life demonstrates, until you get your gender right, you'll be messed up.
THIS IS BIG(!):
You know the old hypothesis that homosexuality and transsexualism are caused by an overbearing mother and an emotionally-distant father? There's an insightful observation in David Reimer's biography regarding that stereotype. A child psychiatrist, Dr. Bernard Zuger, observed that the stereotype often did apply in his work with young male homosexuals. However, by observing families in action, Dr. Zuger came to believe the stereotype was not a cause but an EFFECT. When the child displayed feminine play preferences early on, "the father's efforts to bond over masculine interests were rebuffed by the child, and the father -- rejected -- would emotionally withdraw; the mother would move in to fill the vacuum" (page 73).
When I get a good opportunity to chat with Dad, I'm going to probe (in a roundabout way) if that happened between us. Thinking back, when I was 4 or 5 years old, Dad tried shaming me out of playing with dolls by bringing it up in front of my friends while he was fixing the lawnmower. Also, when I was 9, he signed me up for Little League against my will. So it's very possible he had trouble finding common ground with me.
* * *
Last weekend, after spending the day in grubby male clothes (washing the car's upholstery), realized how much I've come to depend on the androgynous presentation normally used on evenings and weekends. After all, in unequivocal male clothing, there's no chance of getting maam'd, nor a chance of causing confusion in the beholder. So the "norm" for me has shifted: androgynous clothing is more comfortable than an unequivocal male presentation. (And certainly more appropriate when shopping for women's clothes!)
After months of cycling on and off of estrogen, been using it continuously now for six weeks with plans to stay on it for good. Let breast development come. When I look in the mirror, it's as though something is missing even from my androgynous presentation. Although I may vacillate on the matter of transition, breasts are welcome in any case.
Love the results of the laser hair-reduction session two weeks ago. Beard shadow is gone from most places. Face feels smoother. What a delight! It took 10 days before hairs started dying and falling out.
Still have my down days, but overall I'm doing better than I have in a long time. Transition gives me hope that things will get better. And, hopefully, it's not a vain hope. Transition sometimes feels like I'm building a rocket in my backyard to take me to the moon: "Am I aimed in the right direction? Do I even want to go to the moon? Will there be air to breathe once I get there -- IF I get there?" Was feeling down recently, pessimistic whether women will accept me as a peer. But just have to trust that things will work out.
Another view on transition: There's way too much emphasis on weighing the "BIG DECISION" to transition. It's like anything else: you won't know if it's right for you until you try it out. I believe potential transitioners should test the waters early on instead of analyzing it to death. Even though I made the decision a year ago (and am already castrated, been dabbling with estrogen, and had laser done to my face), still feel like I'm just in an "exploring" stage, having gone out dressed only four times now. Why dress? To see if I enjoy interacting socially as a female. You can analyze something to death, or you can just try it out and see. This philosophy isn't too far removed from something Melanie Phillips said. When asked how she knew she was TS, she replied she didn't know. She said you know only if you actually proceed thru transition, further and further, without stopping.
Oh, it's so late! What am I doing up at this hour?
Terri
UPDATE ON CAR: While driving the newly-purchased 1996 car across town to a junker, observed how nicely it rode. (Much nicer than my truck.) Stopped at a brake shop to get a second opinion; only $350 and the brakes would be fine. So, decided to keep the car after all.
* * *
Been reading David Reimer's biography ("As Nature Made Him"). The basic lesson his life teaches us is that gender is inborn, not the result of environment (i.e., "nature over nurture"). No amount of training nor cajoling could make him into a satisfied, non-dysfunctional girl. As his life demonstrates, until you get your gender right, you'll be messed up.
THIS IS BIG(!):
You know the old hypothesis that homosexuality and transsexualism are caused by an overbearing mother and an emotionally-distant father? There's an insightful observation in David Reimer's biography regarding that stereotype. A child psychiatrist, Dr. Bernard Zuger, observed that the stereotype often did apply in his work with young male homosexuals. However, by observing families in action, Dr. Zuger came to believe the stereotype was not a cause but an EFFECT. When the child displayed feminine play preferences early on, "the father's efforts to bond over masculine interests were rebuffed by the child, and the father -- rejected -- would emotionally withdraw; the mother would move in to fill the vacuum" (page 73).
When I get a good opportunity to chat with Dad, I'm going to probe (in a roundabout way) if that happened between us. Thinking back, when I was 4 or 5 years old, Dad tried shaming me out of playing with dolls by bringing it up in front of my friends while he was fixing the lawnmower. Also, when I was 9, he signed me up for Little League against my will. So it's very possible he had trouble finding common ground with me.
* * *
Last weekend, after spending the day in grubby male clothes (washing the car's upholstery), realized how much I've come to depend on the androgynous presentation normally used on evenings and weekends. After all, in unequivocal male clothing, there's no chance of getting maam'd, nor a chance of causing confusion in the beholder. So the "norm" for me has shifted: androgynous clothing is more comfortable than an unequivocal male presentation. (And certainly more appropriate when shopping for women's clothes!)
After months of cycling on and off of estrogen, been using it continuously now for six weeks with plans to stay on it for good. Let breast development come. When I look in the mirror, it's as though something is missing even from my androgynous presentation. Although I may vacillate on the matter of transition, breasts are welcome in any case.
Love the results of the laser hair-reduction session two weeks ago. Beard shadow is gone from most places. Face feels smoother. What a delight! It took 10 days before hairs started dying and falling out.
Still have my down days, but overall I'm doing better than I have in a long time. Transition gives me hope that things will get better. And, hopefully, it's not a vain hope. Transition sometimes feels like I'm building a rocket in my backyard to take me to the moon: "Am I aimed in the right direction? Do I even want to go to the moon? Will there be air to breathe once I get there -- IF I get there?" Was feeling down recently, pessimistic whether women will accept me as a peer. But just have to trust that things will work out.
Another view on transition: There's way too much emphasis on weighing the "BIG DECISION" to transition. It's like anything else: you won't know if it's right for you until you try it out. I believe potential transitioners should test the waters early on instead of analyzing it to death. Even though I made the decision a year ago (and am already castrated, been dabbling with estrogen, and had laser done to my face), still feel like I'm just in an "exploring" stage, having gone out dressed only four times now. Why dress? To see if I enjoy interacting socially as a female. You can analyze something to death, or you can just try it out and see. This philosophy isn't too far removed from something Melanie Phillips said. When asked how she knew she was TS, she replied she didn't know. She said you know only if you actually proceed thru transition, further and further, without stopping.
Oh, it's so late! What am I doing up at this hour?
Terri
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bryan (imported)
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Re: Late onset (yet always there)
Hi all,
HAVEN'T FELT THIS GOOD in a long time. I'll explain shortly. But first, the storm before the calm:
Went out dressed Saturday nite, but the experience overall was unsatisfying. (Felt out of place among the exaggerated presentations of so many "men in dresses.") Had a tearful walk Sunday morning, saying to myself, "I feel unwelcome in this world" (as a gender-variant person). Wrote a depressing post Sunday (but didn't post it). Cried easily Sunday afternoon if any little thing went wrong ("I can't do anything right, boo-hoo!"). Had difficulty this morning driving to a client because the tears came so hard (various reasons).
Could be I was low on hormones, because last week's patch didn't stay on completely due to hot weather. But also having trouble with the goal of transitioning. Maybe I'm too much of a realist, but can't see myself as a 24x7 female. Although I don't feel akin to males anymore, I don't feel akin to girlie girls either.
In a sense, I feel like an intersexed person who is being pressured (by this gender-bipolar culture) to declare for one sex or the other. If you pressure me, I'll choose female (a
When I've prayed about how to live [regarding gender], the only answer which comes is "TRUTH." That answer hadn't been helpful so far because I'm truly male outside (albeit sans balls) and truly female inside by any reasonable measure. (Any time I try to deny the latter truth, reality intrudes harshly.) Which truth applies? Which truth trumps the other?
Think I have an answer now: ANDROGYNY (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Androgyny). Mentioned it previously in this diary, but only as a cowardly escape out of transition. But now it seems more appropriate for me than full transition. Androgyny accurately reflects who/what I am:
- life experiences of a male
- heart and sensibilities of a female
- not dating material for either sex
One reason I can't see myself as a 24x7 girl is I am compulsively honest and open. People around me will know the truth. So I won't be perceived as a girl anyway, just TG.
I still have GID (and the death-wish which accompanies it), but I'm: (1) resisting the culture's pressure to come down on either side of the fence, and (2) taking certain realities into account.
Regarding steps taken toward transition thus far: Any regrets? Was it a mistake? Am I de-transitioning? Not in the least. Rather, I could not have found this place (i.e., androgyny) without first embarking on transition. Still thrilled that beard shadow is going bye-bye via laser treatments, still going to take estrogen continuously (and let them boobies grow), still going to work on an appropriate voice for public settings, will keep hair longish and feminine. Wondering if/when to get my ears pierced.
I'd like a body which is sufficiently feminized such that gender signals will largely be determined by clothes and accessories. To be truthful, I want the ability to pass as an unspectacular female without a whole lot of preparation. (For example: Saturday night was my first experience with a low neckline: "Ack! I have 'chest shadow!'" Though freshly shaved, my chest had little dots all over. Had to move the neckline up with safety pins.) Along those same lines, I'd like the sort of presentation that, when clocked, won't offend the beholder because it's not exaggerated and so close to the boundary anyway. (The beholder says: "Gee...maybe that poor person has some sort of hormone or thyroid problem." I'd much rather arouse pity than ire.)
I have a peace and a good feeling about this direction. Even celebrated it tonight with a special dinner. In contrast, whenever I've decided in favor of transition, I always added, "The future looks scary" or "I'd still prefer death but that's not an option."
(On the lighter side: Was thinking what to reply if co-workers or family ask, "Why did you get your ears pierced?" Could say: "Because the selection among clip-on earrings is so poor."
)
I'd say "I'm gonna push this eunuch thing to the max" but, as this website demonstrates, eunuchs are basically male. Instead, I'm going to try pushing the feminine side of androgyny.
As you readers well know, I vacillate a lot. We'll see how long this decision lasts. Thank you for your continued interest in my ups and downs. It sure helps to have a place to unload,
Terri
HAVEN'T FELT THIS GOOD in a long time. I'll explain shortly. But first, the storm before the calm:
Went out dressed Saturday nite, but the experience overall was unsatisfying. (Felt out of place among the exaggerated presentations of so many "men in dresses.") Had a tearful walk Sunday morning, saying to myself, "I feel unwelcome in this world" (as a gender-variant person). Wrote a depressing post Sunday (but didn't post it). Cried easily Sunday afternoon if any little thing went wrong ("I can't do anything right, boo-hoo!"). Had difficulty this morning driving to a client because the tears came so hard (various reasons).
Could be I was low on hormones, because last week's patch didn't stay on completely due to hot weather. But also having trouble with the goal of transitioning. Maybe I'm too much of a realist, but can't see myself as a 24x7 female. Although I don't feel akin to males anymore, I don't feel akin to girlie girls either.
In a sense, I feel like an intersexed person who is being pressured (by this gender-bipolar culture) to declare for one sex or the other. If you pressure me, I'll choose female (a
es). But if you leave me alone, I will work out a gender expression which fits and is comfortable (for me, at least).
When I've prayed about how to live [regarding gender], the only answer which comes is "TRUTH." That answer hadn't been helpful so far because I'm truly male outside (albeit sans balls) and truly female inside by any reasonable measure. (Any time I try to deny the latter truth, reality intrudes harshly.) Which truth applies? Which truth trumps the other?
Think I have an answer now: ANDROGYNY (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Androgyny). Mentioned it previously in this diary, but only as a cowardly escape out of transition. But now it seems more appropriate for me than full transition. Androgyny accurately reflects who/what I am:
- life experiences of a male
- heart and sensibilities of a female
- not dating material for either sex
One reason I can't see myself as a 24x7 girl is I am compulsively honest and open. People around me will know the truth. So I won't be perceived as a girl anyway, just TG.
I still have GID (and the death-wish which accompanies it), but I'm: (1) resisting the culture's pressure to come down on either side of the fence, and (2) taking certain realities into account.
Regarding steps taken toward transition thus far: Any regrets? Was it a mistake? Am I de-transitioning? Not in the least. Rather, I could not have found this place (i.e., androgyny) without first embarking on transition. Still thrilled that beard shadow is going bye-bye via laser treatments, still going to take estrogen continuously (and let them boobies grow), still going to work on an appropriate voice for public settings, will keep hair longish and feminine. Wondering if/when to get my ears pierced.
I'd like a body which is sufficiently feminized such that gender signals will largely be determined by clothes and accessories. To be truthful, I want the ability to pass as an unspectacular female without a whole lot of preparation. (For example: Saturday night was my first experience with a low neckline: "Ack! I have 'chest shadow!'" Though freshly shaved, my chest had little dots all over. Had to move the neckline up with safety pins.) Along those same lines, I'd like the sort of presentation that, when clocked, won't offend the beholder because it's not exaggerated and so close to the boundary anyway. (The beholder says: "Gee...maybe that poor person has some sort of hormone or thyroid problem." I'd much rather arouse pity than ire.)
I have a peace and a good feeling about this direction. Even celebrated it tonight with a special dinner. In contrast, whenever I've decided in favor of transition, I always added, "The future looks scary" or "I'd still prefer death but that's not an option."
(On the lighter side: Was thinking what to reply if co-workers or family ask, "Why did you get your ears pierced?" Could say: "Because the selection among clip-on earrings is so poor."
)I'd say "I'm gonna push this eunuch thing to the max" but, as this website demonstrates, eunuchs are basically male. Instead, I'm going to try pushing the feminine side of androgyny.
As you readers well know, I vacillate a lot. We'll see how long this decision lasts. Thank you for your continued interest in my ups and downs. It sure helps to have a place to unload,
Terri
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bryan (imported)
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Re: Late onset (yet always there)
Hi all,
Think I gained some useful insight into an unrecognized cause of GID pain this week. Even have a new slogan as a result:
"GENDER BIPOLARISM ALMOST KILLED ME!"
In reading about gender, I've heard it said gender is a societal construct. That's pretty hard to swallow since gender has such obvious biological underpinnings. However, it is true that gender bipolarism (GBP) -- the idea that everyone is either male or female with no inbetweens -- is a societal construct, one which oversimplifies both biology and psychology. Intersexed folks put the lie to GBP biologically, and transgendered folks put the lie to it psychologically.
Why do I say, "GENDER BIPOLARISM ALMOST KILLED ME"? Because, falling outside of bipolar gender norms, I have felt defective beyond repair, marginalized, and rejected, and have desired death as a way out of a seemingly insurmountable problem. Suicide continues to be a near-daily temptation, one which I daily refuse. Only now have I recognized who/what the real enemy is: the false construct of GBP.
One of the big causes of pain with GID is gender bipolarism itself:
- As TS's, we are torn between the two poles and obsessively analyze ourselves: "What am I -- male or female?" We fail to realize society has let us down by presenting an impossible choice. We don't fit either classification well.
- People aren't allowed to admit to possessing a blended gender identity since it doesn't fits society's construct. As TG's, we first deny that it is possible for our gender identities to not follow biology. When it is no longer deniable, it becomes our secret, one hard to bear.
- Since blended identities aren't allowed, a significant portion of oneself must be suppressed.
- Greeting cards addressed to us in gendered terms ("son", "brother", etc.) become painful because we believe such terms negate our "true" personality. (Again, thinking in GBP terms.)
- After awhile, suppression becomes futile or too painful, and the taboo, other-gendered personality is released.
- Even then, the transitioning TG person obeys society's oversimplified view of gender by switching to the other side completely, thereby repudiating their old gender (and, thus, part of themselves).
- Families are hurt by the 100% switch which repudiates the old person they knew and loved. Family gatherings become either a painful chore for the TS (dressed in the old gender, feeling untrue to their new direction) or confrontational (dressed in the new gender).
Now imagine a world without GBP. Most people would continue to follow gender norms, since most people have conventional genders. Those of us in the middle could loosen things up, either blending our presentations or alternating male/female presentations depending on mood. Gendered greeting cards wouldn't hurt because they are simply referring to a portion of our personality, and wouldn't necessarily be negating the rest of who we are.
Now you probably want to ask: "Terri, your post today is tantamount to admitting that you're not 100% female inside. Have you been leading us along all these months, making us believe you are transsexual when in fact you are some kind of weird man?"
If that's what you're thinking, that's gender bipolarism for you. I have stopped trying to classify myself, because I now see GBP as the enemy. It's a false dichotomy which causes untold pain to those of us with gender issues. All I know is my gender is inverted enough to cause "a clinical level of dysfunction." (The status quo was killing me: I was depressed and suicidal, with low productivity at work and increasing social dysfunction, all clearly caused by gender issues.) The medical establishment's solution to GID is transition -- trading one polarized gender for another. GBP at work, again.
(You know...committing these thoughts to paper would be dangerous if I were in a formal program of gender therapy and medically-supervised hormone therapy. What? -- Admit to not being 100% female? That could sink my chances of being approved for SRS, more hormones, etc.)
Unfortunately, transition trades one lie for another. As TS's, we feel our male presentation is a lie since our personality is female. But if we transition, then we lie about our past and our basic biology.
These are merely the thoughts of someone who is struggling with the drastic cure of transition. I know transition works for many people, BUT...(leaving some thoughts unsaid). And:
I look at men and feel disconnected from them...
...I look at women and don't quite feel connected to them either.
I've lived as a man, and now have the heart of a woman. What place is there for me in society?
(What about eunuchs? Where do they fit in the gender scheme? My parents have observed (with some concern) that my personality changed after castration. It's a no brainer, however, when you just give it a little thought: Steers and bulls are different animals. After all, have you ever heard of steer-fighting or cow-fighting?)
But maybe I'm carving some sort of niche for myself. My altered appearance (feminine hair, no beard shadow) is getting increased politeness in terms of doors being opened, even with folks who know me. Also, I'm hearing "young man" more often, including from a 40-ish woman at a jobsite. (I'm 50.) Seriously contemplating a lifestyle where gender presentation will vary depending on the occasion. For work and family, soft-to-feminine male will suffice. For shopping and gatherings with friends, female presentation will be a possibility. By abandoning GBP, I can allow my entire self to live: can look in a mirror without distress (by feminizing), can present male at work or among family without feeling like I'm denying who I am, and can present female among friends or in public to let that side of me breathe.
You may be thinking: "But, Terri, if you don't fully transition, you'll just be a man in women's clothing." GBP-based thinking again. I'm NOT a "man" now, regardless of what clothing I wear. My personality and sensibilities are not those of a man, so I no longer measure myself by male standards. And I'm not claiming to be a woman: never had a period, never bore a child, never had to deal with female cattiness in high school, haven't had to be on the losing end of male privilege, never had to deal with sexual harassment/assault (or fear thereof). I am claiming to have a blended gender which falls outside the GBP-mandated norms of "male" and "female" and which thereby results in a great deal of psychological pain. Some of the pain is unavoidable and similar to what an intersexed person feels. As a psychologically-intersexed person, I have longed all my life to be a full-fledged female. If I were a full-fledged male, that would be a silly desire. But I'm somewhere in the middle, have a clear preference between the two poles of male and female, but can never obtain that preference perfectly. But some of the psychological pain of GID is avoidable because it is caused by the false construct of GBP. No wonder we TS's sometimes feel we are going insane: society tells us our internal gender experience is impossible.
Terri's solution? Get rid of GBP! It is a killer, literally. Else, why does 85% of the TS community consider or attempt suicide?
Sorry for the length. Had to get it off my chest,
Terri
Think I gained some useful insight into an unrecognized cause of GID pain this week. Even have a new slogan as a result:
"GENDER BIPOLARISM ALMOST KILLED ME!"
In reading about gender, I've heard it said gender is a societal construct. That's pretty hard to swallow since gender has such obvious biological underpinnings. However, it is true that gender bipolarism (GBP) -- the idea that everyone is either male or female with no inbetweens -- is a societal construct, one which oversimplifies both biology and psychology. Intersexed folks put the lie to GBP biologically, and transgendered folks put the lie to it psychologically.
Why do I say, "GENDER BIPOLARISM ALMOST KILLED ME"? Because, falling outside of bipolar gender norms, I have felt defective beyond repair, marginalized, and rejected, and have desired death as a way out of a seemingly insurmountable problem. Suicide continues to be a near-daily temptation, one which I daily refuse. Only now have I recognized who/what the real enemy is: the false construct of GBP.
One of the big causes of pain with GID is gender bipolarism itself:
- As TS's, we are torn between the two poles and obsessively analyze ourselves: "What am I -- male or female?" We fail to realize society has let us down by presenting an impossible choice. We don't fit either classification well.
- People aren't allowed to admit to possessing a blended gender identity since it doesn't fits society's construct. As TG's, we first deny that it is possible for our gender identities to not follow biology. When it is no longer deniable, it becomes our secret, one hard to bear.
- Since blended identities aren't allowed, a significant portion of oneself must be suppressed.
- Greeting cards addressed to us in gendered terms ("son", "brother", etc.) become painful because we believe such terms negate our "true" personality. (Again, thinking in GBP terms.)
- After awhile, suppression becomes futile or too painful, and the taboo, other-gendered personality is released.
- Even then, the transitioning TG person obeys society's oversimplified view of gender by switching to the other side completely, thereby repudiating their old gender (and, thus, part of themselves).
- Families are hurt by the 100% switch which repudiates the old person they knew and loved. Family gatherings become either a painful chore for the TS (dressed in the old gender, feeling untrue to their new direction) or confrontational (dressed in the new gender).
Now imagine a world without GBP. Most people would continue to follow gender norms, since most people have conventional genders. Those of us in the middle could loosen things up, either blending our presentations or alternating male/female presentations depending on mood. Gendered greeting cards wouldn't hurt because they are simply referring to a portion of our personality, and wouldn't necessarily be negating the rest of who we are.
Now you probably want to ask: "Terri, your post today is tantamount to admitting that you're not 100% female inside. Have you been leading us along all these months, making us believe you are transsexual when in fact you are some kind of weird man?"
If that's what you're thinking, that's gender bipolarism for you. I have stopped trying to classify myself, because I now see GBP as the enemy. It's a false dichotomy which causes untold pain to those of us with gender issues. All I know is my gender is inverted enough to cause "a clinical level of dysfunction." (The status quo was killing me: I was depressed and suicidal, with low productivity at work and increasing social dysfunction, all clearly caused by gender issues.) The medical establishment's solution to GID is transition -- trading one polarized gender for another. GBP at work, again.
(You know...committing these thoughts to paper would be dangerous if I were in a formal program of gender therapy and medically-supervised hormone therapy. What? -- Admit to not being 100% female? That could sink my chances of being approved for SRS, more hormones, etc.)
Unfortunately, transition trades one lie for another. As TS's, we feel our male presentation is a lie since our personality is female. But if we transition, then we lie about our past and our basic biology.
These are merely the thoughts of someone who is struggling with the drastic cure of transition. I know transition works for many people, BUT...(leaving some thoughts unsaid). And:
I look at men and feel disconnected from them...
...I look at women and don't quite feel connected to them either.
I've lived as a man, and now have the heart of a woman. What place is there for me in society?
(What about eunuchs? Where do they fit in the gender scheme? My parents have observed (with some concern) that my personality changed after castration. It's a no brainer, however, when you just give it a little thought: Steers and bulls are different animals. After all, have you ever heard of steer-fighting or cow-fighting?)
But maybe I'm carving some sort of niche for myself. My altered appearance (feminine hair, no beard shadow) is getting increased politeness in terms of doors being opened, even with folks who know me. Also, I'm hearing "young man" more often, including from a 40-ish woman at a jobsite. (I'm 50.) Seriously contemplating a lifestyle where gender presentation will vary depending on the occasion. For work and family, soft-to-feminine male will suffice. For shopping and gatherings with friends, female presentation will be a possibility. By abandoning GBP, I can allow my entire self to live: can look in a mirror without distress (by feminizing), can present male at work or among family without feeling like I'm denying who I am, and can present female among friends or in public to let that side of me breathe.
You may be thinking: "But, Terri, if you don't fully transition, you'll just be a man in women's clothing." GBP-based thinking again. I'm NOT a "man" now, regardless of what clothing I wear. My personality and sensibilities are not those of a man, so I no longer measure myself by male standards. And I'm not claiming to be a woman: never had a period, never bore a child, never had to deal with female cattiness in high school, haven't had to be on the losing end of male privilege, never had to deal with sexual harassment/assault (or fear thereof). I am claiming to have a blended gender which falls outside the GBP-mandated norms of "male" and "female" and which thereby results in a great deal of psychological pain. Some of the pain is unavoidable and similar to what an intersexed person feels. As a psychologically-intersexed person, I have longed all my life to be a full-fledged female. If I were a full-fledged male, that would be a silly desire. But I'm somewhere in the middle, have a clear preference between the two poles of male and female, but can never obtain that preference perfectly. But some of the psychological pain of GID is avoidable because it is caused by the false construct of GBP. No wonder we TS's sometimes feel we are going insane: society tells us our internal gender experience is impossible.
Terri's solution? Get rid of GBP! It is a killer, literally. Else, why does 85% of the TS community consider or attempt suicide?
Sorry for the length. Had to get it off my chest,
Terri
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