Late onset (yet always there)

[mrt (imported)]

Hi all,

Last night, went out in female mode for the first time! EricaAnn and Louise (EricaAnn's spouse) were so helpful and supportive. After giving my meager wardrobe a thumbs down ("that looks like something your mother would wear to a wedding"), they provided me with clothes for the evening. Louise applied the cosmetics and fixed my hair. We went to a local TG-friendly bar. I was completely relaxed and had a wonderful time.

So relaxed, in fact, we stopped at a gas station along the way so I could go in to purchase a bottle of soda pop.

The most poignant part of the evening came when it was time to pee. Faced with the usual two signs outside the restrooms, I happily chose "WOMEN." There was an overwhelming sense of relief and inclusion, a sense of "Finally! After all these years, I get to go in. I belong now." That feeling was quickly marred, however, while untucking Mr. Penis: "Yuck! That thing!"

Haven't always felt that way about Mr. Penis. Why did my feelings change? Once my personal epiphany arrived, i.e., the realization that I am female inside but cursed with a male body, Mr. Penis became a lightning rod for dissatisfaction. It represents exclusion and lost opportunity: exclusion from the social group I belong to personality-wise, and lost opportunity regarding motherhood.

Terri

I have read a lot concerning hormones and such and found the TG sites full of interesting information. For what its worth from a "constant male" I think you have many of the classic "hits" for transgendered. I think its unfortunate your family has given you such a load of crap but I think its probably very difficult for them to accept that which they do not understand. I think it would be difficult to impossible for them to walk a mile in your shoes. Or in this case Nylons!

As I tried to tell TransgirlNY23 *Whatever happened to her? The "curse" of your body is fixable. Keep that in mind and PLEASE no more self destructive thoughts. This is your life to live. Not someone elses life to destroy! And that includes ex wives and nutty family members who act out of ignornance.

Forgive them for they know not what they do! Right?

Please see the Doctor(s) that are helping Erica. Getting you on a good dose of HRT (Not a minimum but a healthy one) will I believe help your physical and mental state SO much!

[Mac (imported)]

Hi all,

Last night, went out in female mode for the first time! ..... I was completely relaxed and had a wonderful time. ......

The most poignant part of the evening came when it was time to pee. Faced with the usual two signs outside the restrooms, I happily chose "WOMEN." There was an overwhelming sense of relief and inclusion, a sense of "Finally! After all these years, I get to go in. I belong now." That feeling was quickly marred, however, while untucking Mr. Penis: "Yuck! That thing!" ......

Terri

Hi Terri,

I am glad to hear that things are finally working out for you. At least you have the opportunity to be the girl that you were meant to be. Keep moving forward. I envy you in that respect. I will never have that opportunity.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi everyone,

I'm in a good mood! Went for a laser hair-reduction consultation this evening. Pain from the test area was easily tolerable -- a 3 on a scale of 1 to 10. First session is scheduled 10 days from now. Total cost will be $1300 for beard (face and neck), for as many sessions as it takes. I CAN'T WAIT to get rid of beard shadow.

Also bought $45 of cosmetics. Tried on some feminine eyeglass frames, too. Just goes to demonstrate how dramatically my priorities have shifted of late. Only two weeks ago, I decided against the purchase of a dirt-cheap, everything-included $30 radio-controlled airplane. R/C planes used to interest me, and it was going to serve as distraction from GID. But $30 seemed too much.

But there's something else at work here: toy airplanes don't hold a gun to your head. While considering cosmetics or feminine eyeglasses, the running dialogue in my mind goes something like:

Me: "Should I really spend $7 on foundation? And $5 on lipstick?"

Alter Ego: "You want to make this transition thing work, right?"

M: "Yeah."

AE: "And you don't have any options, right? I mean, suicide's not an option."

M: "Yeah."

AE: "Oh, I suppose one option would be a BAD transition, right?"

Me: "Yeah."

AE: "So consider them cheap lessons in the use of make-up!"

Me: "Okay."

Deciding in favor of transition is certainly not a panacea. Had a hard time emotionally a couple of days ago. I wonder over and over: Why is it so hard to live as a man? Why is gender such a BIG DEAL? Hurdles like voice and large expenses can discourage. But the path toward transition contains some hope, whereas the former path was leading to a zero life.

Started reading David Reimer's biography, As Nature Made Him, beginning with the update at the end about his suicide in 2004. What an absolute tragedy -- all he had to suffer. Particularly sad was the contrast between that ending and what reviewers had written for the book's original release in 2000:

"...a testament to the inner strength and courage of the child who never lost touch with who he really was."

"David's courageous and unlikely victory..."

Just goes to show you how deep gender runs, and that "YES! Gender is that important." Bought the book to see what happens when a person of one gender is raised as the other: how and when does the person figure out something is wrong?

Terri

[lilac (imported)]

Hi Terri, I think thats Great!! I wanted to let you know you really look beautiful. Remember when Christina and I met you for lunch? Didn't I tell you that you were gonna be just fine in that department? I see I was right. Well continue on with your happiness Terri, We all deserve to be happy in our lives.

Take Care, Lilac

[EricaAnn (imported)]

Dear Teri,

I couldn't be more happy for you. You have made tremendous progress and strides in just the last week.

I am a bit envious though. I wish that my beard wasn't so platinum in color so that I too could go the laser route for hair removal.

Keep going girl. It only gets better!

[kristoff]

I am a bit envious though. I wish that my beard wasn't so platinum in color so that I too could go the laser route for hair removal.

Or as I prefer, SILVER BLONDE, dammit. I think it makes me look extinguished. They're earned - cherish them (even while trying to get rid of them...)

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Just a short update to let you know how I'm doing. Continuing to dress: Went out again with Erica and Louise on Saturday night. This makes two weekends in a row. Also went out for a walk this evening dressed. Pinned my hair for a feminine touch. You can see the results in my new avatar. Please excuse the graininess.

I go for my first laser session tomorrow. I AM THRILLED!

One other thing: Picture me exiting an ordinary retail store doing cartwheels, a wobbly-knee touchdown dance, and saying over-and-over "Yabba-dabba-do!" Didn't physically do those things but sure felt like it. (Also not sure if they are gender appropriate in my case.) Why the excitement? Found some great silicone breast enhancers for only TEN DOLLARS! I had contemplated fashioning my own and was expecting a lot of effort for poor results.

Terri

[lilac (imported)]

Terri you had me laughing about the cartwheels and the flintstone saying. Im happy for you.

hugss, Rita

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

CAPTURE THE MOMENT (or TRUTH ABOUT TRANSITION)

Got my face lasered 4 hours ago. Pain wasn't an issue; it was easily bearable most of the time. Sure is odd feeling/hearing one's own hairs sizzle and pop. What concerned me was being able to see the flashes of light as the technician did the upper cheeks. Although opaque goggles are worn and eyes are closed, the light still comes thru through the skin to the retina. I behaved somewhat like a ninny, and the technician had to reassure me of the inherent safety.

Afterward, I went to look at a used car being sold by a private party. Not too comfortable with the way I purchased it. Did a cursory check of the car, took a cursory test drive. It's a body style I like (Ford Escort wagon), color I like (teal/cyan), and Escorts are known for fair-to-good reliability. The car is 10 years old and priced accordingly ($1900). Another party was interested, so I bought the car on the spot. Didn't even smell the exhaust.

At home, just started crying. Stressful day? Traumatized by laser? Combination of things: (1) Felt the lack of a husband or male relative to handle the car purchase for me. (Does that sound weird or WHAT?!) (2) While applying an ice pack to my face, felt the depth of what transition is about: putting oneself thru risky procedures because there's no other option. Do I like the thought of intense light sizzling my hair follicles? What is it doing to other tissue? Who knows what the long-term risks are?

* * *

On the bright side: Voice has been one of my biggest concerns. It occurred to me, however, I've already been instinctively tightening my voice some in everyday situations. I don't use my completely-relaxed male voice; guess it's too male for me. By tightening it further, I can achieve and maintain an androgynous voice fairly easily. That alone gives me hope. (However, the perception is in the ear of the beholder, and I can't speak for them.) My previous "female voice" has been too much like Mickey Mouse, which doesn't go well with a 5-foot 9-inch frame.

Terri

P.S. to Lilac/Rita: Nice hearing from you as always. I remember our dinner gathering with Christina last July with fondness.

[EricaAnn (imported)]

Hi Terri,

As we talked about on the telephone tonight, anything new, like the laser treatment can be frightening. It was your first session so don't feel like you were a ninny. You'll get used to it and now know what to expect the next time.

As far as the auto purchase, take it to a mechanic as we discussed to get an accurate evaluation of the vehicle and go from there. If there needs to be too much money invested in it to get it back in shape...don't brother with it. Just turn around and resell the poor thing. Like I said, just consider it tuition in the school of hard knocks.

If you do sell it, maybe consider buy something a little bit newer next time.

Keep you spirits up and don't let the little things bother you. You have come too far and have too much to look forward to as well as other things to think about.

Looking forward to seeing you again on Saturday night.

Hugs,