Late onset (yet always there)

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Most folks don't realize the unconscious nature of TSism. Last night I was watching a Danielle Steel movie about a career couple in which the wife becomes pregnant and the husband wants her to get an abortion but she wants the child. After awhile, I caught myself and said aloud, mournfully, "I'M DOING IT AGAIN." Doing what? Identifying emotionally with the female lead. "And I'm never going to look like her, never will be in her situation, am never going to be a woman, ..."

In a Discovery Health Channel show about TSism, one of the MtF's said gender dysphoria is "24x7." True words indeed. The job can distract for awhile, but as soon as I head to the restroom or get into my car, or turn off the TV at night, gender (and the mess GID has made of my household) dominates my thoughts.

* * *

Longer hair and continued beard-plucking are having their effect. Got maam'd twice recently, once by an older white male, once by a 40-ish white female. Think I'm like one of those prismatic pictures which switches between two possibilities depending on the viewing angle. Look at me one way, I look male; another way, and I look female. When I take photos of myself, more than half are quickly discarded for looking male. Hairstyle is exceedingly important, and I'm learning as I look at the self-portraits.

Terri

[Kangan (imported)]

Longer hair and continued beard-plucking are having their effect. Got maam'd twice recently, once by an older white male, once by a 40-ish white female. Think I'm like one of those prismatic pictures which switches between two possibilities depending on the viewing angle. Look at me one way, I look male; another way, and I look female. When I take photos of myself, more than half are quickly discarded for looking male. Hairstyle is exceedingly important, and I'm learning as I look at the self-portraits.

Terri

Your avatar looks female to me. But then I'm not good at faces.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Started taking estrogen again a week ago. Why? I was too depressed; even started crying over my workload at work. Had no resilience. Estrogen's effect on me is paradoxical: while on it, my gender identity goes from clearly on the female side back toward the middle. In the romantic movie I'm watching now ("My Big Fat Greek Wedding"), I'm not consistently identifying with either of the leads. More often the female, but sometimes the male.

Bad news regarding facial hair: Had to stop plucking my beard. Too many ingrown hairs. My face has gotten bumpy from the hairs which haven't emerged. Once things get back to normal, I'll investigate laser removal to get rid of beard-shadow-causing hairs.

Terri

P.S. to Kangan: Thank you for your kind words.

[EricaAnn (imported)]

Hi Terri,

I'm glad to see that you are back on the estrogen. Girl, you need some type of hormones in your system in order to function properly and for people like us...estrogen is the preferred choice.

Remember what I told you about plucking that beard. Ingrown hairs are not fun. I know, I had one last week that my electrolysis tech removed. A little regrown that didn't regrow quite right.

Hook yourself with a good laser technician and stop that plucking, but keep in mind that the laser is only going to get rid of the dark colored hairs leaving the gray ones to their own accord.

[kristoff]

Hi Terri,

I'm glad to see that you are back on the estrogen. Girl, you need some type of hormones in your system in order to function properly and for people like us...estrogen is the preferred choice.

Remember what I told you about plucking that beard. Ingrown hairs are not fun. I know, I had one last week that my electrolysis tech removed. A little regrown that didn't regrow quite right.

Hook yourself with a good laser technician and stop that plucking, but keep in mind that the laser is only going to get rid of the dark colored hairs leaving the gray ones to their own accord.

Just for the record, hon, trans or not, none of us really get gray hairs... they're silver blond...

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

ANNIVERSARY AND A REALIZATION (CONFESSION?)

Celebrating my 2nd anniversary of visiting the good Dr. Kimmel. Still no regrets, and still thanking the Lord for the surgery. It's wonderful not having libido. One amusing aspect: I'll say to myself, "Maybe I should [try] masturbating tonight," then will immediately forget about it. Or if I remember my earlier intention, I'll touch Mr. Penis to see if he has any life in him. "Nope! -- why wake him up?"

It sometimes takes years of adulthood for someone to see how screwed up they are -- only after the evidence has accumulated and only after a big enough crisis precipitates the need to analyze the evidence. My libido was too high. Had an extensive hard-core porn collection throughout my twenties. My first marriage failed because I was too kinky. Intercourse wasn't as interesting as the perversions. Guess I was addicted to sex. And now my second marriage is failing since my gender personality is: (1) outside what my wife considers safe for our boy, and (2) outside what my wife looks for in a husband. As far as addictions go, I became addicted to the internet as a result of the Y2K scare. (And I was still addicted to global-infrastructure and geo-political news four years after Y2K.) You see, that addiction was fed by my addiction to Bible prophecy. And I think now that my addiction to Bible prophecy was because I have found most of life unsatisfying and, consequently, was looking forward to death and/or a change to this boring existence -- even when it meant world-shattering devastation in the process. Guess I wasn't being very sensitive at the time.

And then I wonder: Has life been unsatisfying because I don't find satisfaction in my birth gender?

So you see, my "problems" didn't begin with the 2004 gender shift. I already HAD problems, but the 2004 gender shift was a big enough crisis to unravel my life, thus making other problems manifest.

Wouldn't have reached this point without the trip to Philadelphia. My sex drive and/or latent personality problems caused some still-not-explained crisis (the Oct-Nov 2004 gender shift), which necessitated a trip to Dr. Kimmel. Then post-castration emotional changes resulted in another crisis which has split my household.

My personal crisis has since crowded out everything else, enabling me to see my problems more clearly than ever.

Readers: Think carefully before you proceed with permanent castration. You may discover you are screwed-up psychologically with more problems than you ever guessed!

MIDLIFE ADOLESENCE

However, for the first time, I feel like my midlife adolescence is making some progress. Re-assessing who I am and adjusting my expectations in order to find a place for myself in the real world. Actually experiencing some happiness from time to time.

Realized recently I have no ambitions. None -- except to die. Figured that wasn't a good sign. My dad is the opposite. When he started working for an engineering firm years ago, he knew he wanted to become president of the firm someday. (He succeeded.)

Still avoiding church. Simply don't want to expose myself to further inspection and possible rejection.

Thinking about how I will someday explain myself to others like boss and co-workers. The issue will force itself eventually due to ever-increasing hair length. How will I explain things? "Had a falling out with testosterone. Couldn't tolerate the stuff any longer. So became a eunuch voluntarily. And, as a eunuch, I feel more flexibility in personal appearance. Hair is a kind of personal art form, don't you think?"

Why was my post-castration experience such a trauma psychologically? Because not only did I desire to be female (prior to castration), but I now felt female. Not only that, my best fight against the now-recognized TSism -- namely castration -- was a failure. I had no fight left in me.

I don't think EA discusses the psychological changes of castration enough. However, the psychological changes may have been more significant in my case (i.e., YMMV) because of latent transsexualism. Prior to castration, I was able to say, "My desire to be female is inappropriate, and castration should remove it along with the other perversions." But once I felt female, just had to throw in the towel and admit what I had hidden in my heart from childhood: I've always wanted to be a girl. Best I can tell from memories, my gender identity as a child was somewhere between male and female. I was close enough to the middle to vocalize a desire to be female. Puberty shored up the weak masculine portion of my personality and made me a reasonable success as a male. Maybe age-caused reduction in testosterone (i.e., male menopause) precipitated the 2004 gender shift.

TRANSITION?

Still think of myself as female inside but will probably explain myself to others as a voluntary eunuch. My gender identity isn't strongly-enough female (nor stable enough) to make transition worthwhile. Estrogen has the paradoxical effect of moderating my gender issues to the point where I don't have enough angst to fuel transition.

Beard hairs have returned to normal, now that I'm no longer plucking. Dealing with ingrown hairs as a result; at least they aren't infected. Did the plucking kill off any hairs? Not that I can tell. Looking forward to laser hair removal once all the ingrown hairs have emerged. Haven't been maam'd for awhile. Beard shadow, no matter how slight, is a strong gender cue.

Still desiring androgynous look, but have stopped further efforts until laser treatments can eliminate beard shadow.

Very glad to be going by "Terry" at work. Brian is too masculine. Have come close to Freudian slip of spelling it "Terri" in e-mails. Bound to occur eventually, to some reader's consternation/amusement.

Terri

[Uncle Flo (imported)]

It's nice to hear from you again, Terri. --FLO--

[plix (imported)]

Hi Terri. Have not heard from you in a long time. I hope all is going well.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Not doing very well these days. Spurred by a song I heard recently, I'm anxious to get on with my life since "there's only so many tears you can cry." Wife won't reconcile with me unless I feel like a male again. Feel like I've been crowded out of my son's life. So just going to move on. Have stopped returning wife's calls. Can't bear to speak with her. You know how it was as a child when you'd play a game with someone but they started making too many rules? After awhile you'd say, "Okay, you can play by your rules -- but you'll have to find someone else to play with because I'M GOING HOME!" That's how I feel about my wife now, so I walking away from the game. She's held all the cards (after all, TS's get very little respect), so I'm just walking away. Guess I've run out of patience.

Another area of disappointment: After revealing my true self (TSism) to family members, now feel just tolerated by half of them. Even was miffed by Mom. Mentioned she ought to come see my apartment sometime. She demurred saying, "Let's wait till [wife] and [son] are in town." Is she uninterested in seeing it unless I remove any traces of my TSism, as wife was requiring for the visit? It hurt, and I don't think I'll bring it up again.

When wife and son visit the area at the end of May, think I'll conveniently be busy at work. Can't bear to see her nowadays because I'll always be defective/sick in her sight. It's like she's talking past the real me, speaking toward some shining male she hopes will resurface someday. Considing my gender identity now is similar to what it was pre-puberty, it's SUPER unlikely I'll change.

As other TS's have pointed out, the revelation of our true selves is a touchstone for other's love toward us. It reveals the true quality of that love: was it a convenient love, or a genuine love?

How's the estrogen going, you ask? Still have enough in my system to moderate gender issues. Those aren't bugging me right now. My failed marriage is.

My mom noticed I was depressed and strongly suggested I see a professional about it. I told her, "Yes, I'm depressed -- but with good reason." Medication isn't going to make people like TS's better, or make my wife accept me, or let me have a decent relationship with my son.

* * *

Plix,

Sorry I haven't communicated. It's not anything with you -- I haven't been communicating with ANYONE these days. I'm frustrated, disappointed, lack answers, and am unsure of myself. Social withdrawal is my solution for now.

Terri

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Things have gotten worse: Got my own kafkaesque nightmare brewing.

First, a question: Once you think a person is mentally ill, what would it take to convince you otherwise? Any good behavior observed doesn't count anymore since, "He's just having a good day" and there's always the question of "Wonder what he's like back in his apartment when he's alone?" What if a psychiatrist pronounced the person mentally healthy? You could say, "Bah! One doctor's opinion. Doesn't line up with my observations."

Dad berated me at lunch Monday, and counseled me to contact my son more often. It turns out Dad has put me in the same category as his sisters, the ones who have mental/emotional illnesses and had to go on medication. Does it matter to him that a psychiatrist already pronounced me mentally healthy back in August and that a specialist agreed with my self-diagnosis (TSism)? Does it count that a medical doctor checked my bloodwork, observed I didn't seem depressed, and instead suggested transitioning? No, that doesn't seem to count because he wants me to see another shrink and "get on medication." (Sounds like we are putting the cart before the horse. Shouldn't the professional decide if medication is needed??) He also confronted me with wrong information. He thought wife had told to leave because I was cross-dressing. No such thing since I hadn't cross-dressed for close to 20 years.

My parents believe I am depressed and need to be on medication. Dad thought stress from work was playing a role. Hardly(!), since work is a welcome relief and distraction from personal problems. Both he and Mom don't understand how emotionally devastating it has been to be squeezed out of my son's life. As terrible as it sounds, the way to survive is think about him as little as possible. Even before castration, folks observed, "I've never seen a father play so much with his child." After castration, I was more of a mother to him. Imagine a mother being torn from her young son. I howled the day we parted in Florida.

All this time (September till now), I thought I had been establishing a track record with my parents, letting them see I'm fairly balanced mentally/emotionally. Our relations have been warm, and we've spent a fair amount of time together. However, once the perception of mental illness is established, it's hard to erase.

I am left in an impossible dilemma:

1. Do I defend myself, trying to work through the various misunderstandings? If I did so, I would risk becoming like [mentally-ill] Aunt C. who kept people on the phone for long periods of time.

2. Do I simply try preserving the relationship with my parents, ignoring the misunderstandings? Three problems with that course of action: (a) any time spent with them gives them ammunition for further misunderstandings; (b) I open myself to further emotional trauma (e.g., criticism about relationship with son); (c) they really aren't listening to me anyway since they believe I am mentally ill. (Can you say patronized?)

3. Do I bring in a brother as a mediator? Then I would be considered a mentally-unbalanced person stirring up strife in the family.

4. Do I send a letter to family members explaining the situation? That, too, would be considered to be the desperate actions of a mentally-ill person.

See what I'm talking about? Once the perception is established "there's something wrong with Bryan/Terri," no course of action can dispel it.

Option #5, the saddest of all: Do I withdraw from my parents' lives? At the moment, I don't see any other option. Lunch with Dad left me in deep hurt and disbelief. I can't expose myself to that sort of treatment very often. Although not mentally ill, I do have the tender emotions and fragility of a eunuch.

I can't believe how absolutely FUBAR'd things have become. Fortunately for you, dear reader, these results are not typical for people who undergo castration, for: Your Mileage Will Vary (YMWV).

Terri

P.S. to Erica: Thank you so much for calling last Friday, inviting me out for pizza. Had a great time, and enjoyed meeting Michelle (another TG).