Hi all,
Currently on a low dose of estrogen (Climara 25) and doing great mentally. (Took your advice, Erica, to let my body get used to it.) Seems my gender issues have moved to the back burner and aren't much of a problem. Still shaving body hair, keeping beard shaved, and growing out hair. But seem to have found a happy medium.
I have finally achieved -- with the help of estrogen -- the EUNUCH CALM.
Erica and Plix: You question whether I am really TS since I'm doing so well nowadays. However, I don't think there's much question about it, if one goes back though my diary. Relief didn't come UNTIL estrogen entered my system. And when I came off estrogen for a short while, gender issues moved to the front burner again.
As I explained to my brother, there's another aspect to taking estrogen, a TS aspect: If I gained this sort of relief from an anti-depressant, it wouldn't be the same. That would be so BORING -- and I doubt such relief would be possible via an anti-depressant anyway. There's just something about knowing I have estrogen in me which brings satisfaction and peace. Also, anti-depressants have a host of side-effects, not to mention withdrawal effects. If estrogen is what brings me relief and enables me to function, breast development is something I can happily live with. (Also won't get too much on the low dose.) As you surmised, there is an internal struggle. In my case, I can't justify full transition except for pyschological necessity. Similarly, I can't justify boobies for boobies' sake. But if my "medicine" (estrogen) has feminizing side-effects, that's alright with me.
As you recall, I wanted to sample estrogen to see how it affected me mentally, plus I saw transition as a psychological necessity back in August. Estrogen now makes transition unnecessary in my case. From a practical standpoint, $15/month for estrogen beats the pants off $6000 for electro, $15,000 for SRS, untold dollars for gender therapy and endocrinologists, voice training (and constant use of an affected voice), employment risks, rejection by family, etc. I was willing to go thru all that to avoid depression and be functional again, but estrogen (combined with castration) provides sufficient relief.
HEY! Maybe I'm a castration "success story" after all!
Wife still treats me as though I have cooties. Even though I'm doing so well (thanks to estrogen), she said she will have to pray about whether to visit this area and my family for Christmas, even though all time I'd spend with our boy would be supervised by her. She asked, "You WILL wear long pants all the time, right?" Oh, horrors! Bryan shaved his beard, is wearing his hair longer, and has no leg hair. Horrors! WHO KNOWS what damage this could do to a 6-year-old?! [/sarcasm off] So it's unlikely we will ever get back together.
* * *
Details about my experience thus far with estrogen:
- Still experiencing short bits of dizziness when I change orientation (e.g., lying down, getting up). Interesting that I didn't get that with oral estrogen. I wonder, "What's the difference?" Still prefer the patch so as to avoid the blood-clot risks of pills.
- Noticing some bits of blood sometimes when I blow my nose. Not concerned since nosebleeds came easily as a child, and I seem to recall some of this anyway when the weather is dry and cold.
- Nipples are tender. Not checking daily for development since I know it will eventually come.
- The GID chatter in my brain, which once was pretty constant, has been silenced. I'm pleasantly inbetween genders.
Terri
