Late onset (yet always there)

[bryan (imported)]

Hi Erica and all,

Yes, although the GID is moderating, I'm in the middle somewhere. Still plucking beard and fussing over my hair.

Started getting hot flashes and morning missles again. Also, emotional stability has been lessening and gender issues may be strengthening again. You decide: When I saw a man's hairy arms this morning, all I thought was "caveman," shuddered, and looked at my own arms for the sake of comparison. So -- it's time to break out the ESTROGEN! This time I'm trying a transdermal patch (50 micrograms/day). Just wondering if it's possible September's estrogen was still in my system until a few days ago. As you recall -- in my case at least -- estrogen has a calming effect on GID and improves emotional stability.

Erica: See you at church tonight.

Regarding the job: Turns out the person who does background checks was on vacation last week, so I won't hear back until this coming week.

Terri

[plix (imported)]

I am not surprised to see the intensity of your GID go back and forth so much because mine did the same thing. There were some days I wanted to kill myself because I couldn't pass female, and others where it was there but I didn't really care.

I hope that going back on estrogen works out for you.

I look forward to seeing more updates about how you are doing

[Mac (imported)]

Hi all,

Had my first job interview and it looks very promising. Was scared afterward: "I'll have to produce and carry responsibility regardless of GID and emotional instability. Don't want to fail this time." My self-esteem and confidence have been low over the last few months.

TerriDid you interview as Terri or as Bryan? If you interviewed as Terri were you honest with them? Either way I wish you luck in getting the job.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Yesterday's diary entry (which I didn't post):

Got a slow start. Stayed in bed much longer than usual, feeling like I had been drugged. In a sense, I WAS drugged. Improved sleep is one of the benefits of estrogen.

Had two crying jags. If I think about others' expectations of me and frame it as a moral issue (as wife and in-laws do), I just give up. I was as crushed as them to realize I was cross-gendered. Was also grieving over lost things: childhood/adolescence as female, marriage and child-rearing as female.

* * *

Today's entry:

Got the job! Yippee!

Plucked beard in the throat area: OUCH! Now I'm only plucking dark hairs and skipping the many white ones. Figure my goal is to eliminate beard shadow from shaven face, so that should be sufficient.

* * *

Mac,

I interviewed as Bryan and made no mention of GID. Since I plan to remain "male enough" for the sake of employment, there was no need to reveal anything.

* * *

Speaking of employment: Was pleased to see that TGs are protected by Illinois' anti-discrimination laws:

http://www.state.il.us/dhr/Laws/SexO_Amend.htm

Public Act 93-1078 amended the Illinois Human Rights Act by adding sexual orientation as a protected class. The amendment is effective 1/1/06.

Sexual orientation is defined as “actual or perceived heterosexuality, homosexuality, bisexuality, or gender-related identity, whether or not traditionally associated with the person’s designated sex at birth. ‘Sexual orientation’ does not include a physical or sexual attraction to a minor by an adult.”

The sexual orientation protection applies to discrimination in employment, real estate transactions, financial credit, and public accommodations.

Terri

[lilac (imported)]

Hi Terri, I am so proud of you!! I've been keeping up with what's going on with you. I think you doing really good, and it is great to have Erica there near you. You just keep the faith Terri. You have a ton of friends that you can call family here on the EA, so don't forget that sweetie. PS. I would love to see how you are progressing. Will ya please send me a newer pic of you. Remember, I said "you are gonna look great when you get all dressed up". You have nice features, remember that.

hugss and love, Lilac

[EricaAnn (imported)]

Hi Terri,

It was good to speak with you on the phone last night and once again CONGRATULATIONS on the new job. I was so glad to hear that you're doing much better, especially now that your back on the estrogen. As we have discussed in the past, the human body was designed to run on some type of hormones, otherwise we wouldn't have them and estrogen is an excellent choice for people like us.

By the way, my offer for the photos still stands, if you're interested. Lilac is asking for some pictures and the least you can do is oblige her, right?

We have just got to get you dressed in gender appropriate clothing and go out and have some fun. It's not cross dressing anymore girl considering the GID thing.

I'm looking forward to having dinner with you on Friday and introducing you to Tamara. I think you're going to like her. She's a sweet girl. So give the photos some thought as well as the dressing part and I'll see you Friday.

[Mac (imported)]

Hi Terri,

.......

We have just got to get you dressed in gender appropriate clothing and go out and have some fun. It's not cross dressing anymore girl considering the GID thing. .........

That sounds great. I would like to be able to do that, too.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

The transdermal estrogen is producing an unwanted side-effect: slight dizziness. Occurs only when I make sudden movements (e.g., flopping into bed or getting up too quickly). Not too concerned since a package of lemon cookies produced worse dizziness years ago. (Never bought that brand again.) Consequently, I'm taking a short break from the estrogen (per the printed warnings). Besides, seems Climara 50 was more than enough to give mental relief from GID. In a few days, I'll experiment with half that dose.

Hate to see what GID does to the patient and families. Beginning to wonder if another course of treatment for GID could be recommended besides full transition. I'm really impressed with the mental benefits of estrogen. So much emphasis is placed on full transition as the only treatment. Seems like commitment to full transition is a prerequisite for getting letters from a therapist. Why not make it easy for GID patients to take the hormone test early in the process? Let them experience a couple of months on T-blockers and then add estrogen to the mix for another two months.

In case the above paragraph isn't too clear, I'm wondering if castration combined with estrogen HRT would be a workable treatment for GID. You the reader know how much GID angst has appeared in this diary over the past year. And now my GID is very mild; certainly not enough to fuel transition. For instance, walked into the bra section of Wal-Mart Friday and didn't stay but a few moments since I felt out of place; contrast that with mid-July when my attitude purchasing ladies' things was, "It's this or suicide." My GID is so mild now, I'd be inclined to say I'm healing from it -- if not for the relapse a week ago, after a few weeks off estrogen.

Even though my GID has moderated, I'm still going to go by 'Terry' from now on, professionally and otherwise. In fact, started using my new signature on the driver's license I got last week. In a way, I feel like 'Bryan' let me down; the name change represents a break from the old. Bryan had testosterone and all the ickiness which accompanied it in my case; Terry is a eunuch, a very different sort of creature inside.

I just have to remember to spell Terry/Terri with a 'y' in all my professional correspondence!

Thank you again for your interest in reading this diary. It's a good outlet for me, and I hope it gives you some useful insights.

Terri

P.S. -- TheFraj's signature got me thinking: Can't spell terrific without Terri. But, can't spell terrible without it either.

[EricaAnn (imported)]

Hi Terri,

After reading your latest post, I disagree with you on a couple of points you made.

First, I would not discontinue the estrogen patches. What you're experiencing is you body's adjustment to the new form and dosage of the estrogen. If you continue with the recommended dosage, you will adjust in a matter of a week or so and the described side effects will cease.

Secondly, I don't believe that full transition is the only solution to the GID issue. As you know, there is a full range of intensity to GID....from "OMG, I just can't live another day as a man" to those who are satisfied with an occasional trip out dressed en femme. Each one of us is unique in our needs and our desires. I myself can foresee a time when I'm fully transitioned in my personal life while maintaining my "male persona" in my professional life...just too many years of a business where too many people know me as a male.

Don't get me wrong....I still want and still plan on having SRS sometime during the summer of 2008. Those plans have not changed regardless of what level of transition I aspire to.

Terri, the part that I'm most concerned about is your swings back and forth on the estrogen and for the whole GID issue. Are you afraid of the physical side effects that the estrogen will bring about? If so I don't understand...any and all TG's that I know would be thrilled at that prospect.

The other is that regardless of what level of GID person I've ever met....from the once in a while CD's, TV's and TS's almost all have one thing in common...the overwhelming desire to dress in gender appropriate clothing. This trait seems almost universal...yet you have no expressed desire.

It begins to make me wonder Terri.

Good luck and best wishes for your first day at the new job tomorrow. GO GET'EM GIRL!

[plix (imported)]

I am glad to know I am not the only one who has begun to wonder

The dressing thing was a problem for me too - I rarely wanted to dress in female clothing. When I did, it was age inappropriate (clothing more suited to a middle-aged woman).

While dressing all the time in girl clothes is not universal, most TGs express a desire to do it on a reasonably regular basis.

The fact that you aren't thrilled to be on estrogen and can't wait for the physical effects of transition is also concerning. However, you do say estrogen improves your mood, which is expected in someone who is more suited to it.

I have to disagree with EricaAnn on one thing - you should not be on estrogen until you are 100% sure it is what you want. I wish now that I could get rid of these breast buds because I don't want them anymore, but I can't. Had I never started on estrogen and then discovered I was not TG, no harm would have been done.

On a lighter note, congrats on getting the job ! I hope it works out for you.

Also, I did receive your message, and I will let you know soon a time that you should be able to reach me, if it works for you.