Late onset (yet always there)

[EricaAnn (imported)]

My dearest Terri,

When you mentioned to me yesterday that you had skipped your estrogen dose, I was going to say something to you, but instead, I thought I'd let you find out for yourself.

Once you start hormone therapy, you have to stay with it each and every day. Skipping just one day can very well produce the feelings of depression you're experiencing, especially since you haven't been on it long enough to have it build up in your system to any extent. Girl, you've got to stay the course each and every day.

As far as transition....it is something that is inevitable for us that are truly transgendered. It is really the only thing that will truly make us a whole person or the people that we really are. I too have spent many long hours over the past six years asking Our Lord if transition is right. If not...give me a sign, set up a road block to let me know that it's against Your Will. No such sign has ever come...all I get back from Him is His peace.

Take your estrogen today and keep praying. I truly believe that if transition is right for you, you will get your answer from Him, just like I have.

As we have discussed, trying to fall somewhere in between female and male will just leave you out of both "inner circles" and very alone. You have got to commit to a course of action and the time has come to make that big decision in your life...do I remain as something that I'm not (male) or do I proceed with transition and become the person I truly am?

Based on your latest post and our discussions on this issue....I think we both know the answer to that question.

Hang in there Girl and call me if you need someone to talk with. You know I'm always there for you.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Finally got rid of that "dirt" on my legs (i.e., shaved 'em). They look so nice and clean now. It was a symbolic act, indicating I'm favoring transition.

My wife tells me I have to do what the Bible says. I agree. After all, "God has called us to live in peace" (1 Cor 7:15). I'm convinced I'm female inside, but wife can't accept my female identity. Living together would produce suicidal depression in me due to the dissonance, so we must part ways. My Biblical duties at this point: (1) do what's necessary for us to live in peace, meaning self-exile, (2) don't get married again, and (3) support ex-wife and son to the best of my ability. I can live within those parameters.

Transition and Social Life: If I stay in male-mode, would likely be a loner. At this point in my growth as a person, I would consider the loner path a failure, nothing more than an escape. Had zero (non-TG) friends prior to coming out; is that a sufficient failure to indicate transition is worth a try? Wife, son, and in-laws were the extent of my social life. Just wasn't interested in friendships with men at church.

* * *

Plix, Erica, LindaLeah, and Mr. T:

Thanks you for your contributions to this thread. The skipped estrogen dose was intentional, to cut the dosage. I like the mental benefits of E, but not sure I'm ready for the physical effects. Taking 1mg/day effectively (2mg every other day). Will be interesting to see if depression hits this evening, since last night's dose was skipped. Because transition is currently on the docket, I don't think it will. If the depression is hormonal, then I'll have a low time tonight. (Always the experimenter, I guess.) Also taking 81mg enteric asprin daily to reduce the risk of blood clots and stroke.

Just ordered more estrogen: Climera 50 patches and 1mg Estrofem tablets. My goal for now is a low, not-too-feminizing dose. The deeper/longer sleep is wonderful.

Terri

ADDENDUM: Been in good spirits this evening, so Sunday's depression was from putting transition on the shelf, not a dip in hormones. Effects from estrogen thus far (Day 9), compared to life as a eunuch with no HRT:

-

improved sleep, with more dream

ing

- not experiencing the "fragile" feeling anymore

- more emotional stability, fewer tears

- possibly a little more inhibited

- Mr. Penis is still asleep. (DHEA and progesterone both gave it some life.)

- possibly less compassion

Sense of well-being? Not 5mg's worth, certainly! (Did you see EricaAnn's latest post?) But remember I'm not at transition levels.

Looking over those benefits, low-dose estrogen is great HRT for a eunuch. I mean, one could buy sleep aids, but where can you also find emotional stability AND osteoporosis prevention all in one package?! Just gonna have to see what sort of boobies develop -- a benefit for some, drawback for others. (Boobies are a risk I'm willing to take.)

The estrogen is leading to a catch-22: It makes me feel good enough that I wonder (as I often do) if transition can be avoided. However, the process of taking estrogen IS PART OF TRANSITION.

It's just so much fun to experiment with hormones! So far, estrogen is my favorite over T, DHEA, and progesterone. Terri the Human Hormone Lab!

[EricaAnn (imported)]

Hi Terri,

With your legs now shaved and the estrogen in your system.....you have got to be feeling better and I'm very happy for you.

You are already beginning to see and feel the effects of coming out. More friends, a good start on a social life, etc. Isn't it wonderful?

I'm also glad to see that you've ordered more estrogen. As we discussed this past weekend, you are starting to experience the effects of the estrogen, i.e.; better and more restful sleep,

more emotional stability, fewer tears,

much less depression and so on. It's great, isn't it? And even at a 1 Mg. per day level you will start to see the physical effects in the next several weeks, though not as pronounced as if you were on a higher dosage.

The estrogen is leading to a catch-22: It makes me feel good enough that I wonder (as I often do) if transition can be avoided. However, the process of taking estrogen IS PART OF TRANSITION.

Terri, you are absolutely right...the day you took your first dose of estrogen you started the transition process, therefore....it's not something that can be avoided any longer because you have already begun and are in transition right now. Estrogen is the start and it just goes on from here Girl. You're going to love it!

*********

By the way, until the 1 Mg. tablets show up what you want to do is to split the 2 Mg. tablets in half. You don't want to spike and drop your estrogen levels back and forth by taking 2 Mg.'s every other day. It will put your body on a hormonal roll-a-coaster. Keep it constant, on a day to day basis, by taking 1 Mg. every day, not 2 Mg.'s every other day. You will see the difference right away.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Started reading Sexual Metamorphasis, an anthology of TS memoirs edited by Jonathan Ames. It's useful to read about other TS's to see areas of overlap: thoughts of suicide, perplexity/confusion over self, social withdrawal. Reading TS memoirs has me wondering: How did I ever get this far? Not one but two marriages, fairly normal ones at that. It was only after the gender shift of Nov. 2004 that I became a full-fledged, by-the-book TS.

Had a moment today where I felt a little bit normal. Didn't last long. Saw a college-age couple arm-in-arm and simply thought, "Does Not Compute." Did I used to be like him -- happy to possess a female? What a foreign concept. Do I desire to be in her shoes? Don't know. This asexual business is weird.

Transition is like a long journey. Do I know the complete route yet? No. Just taking baby steps. But as each milestone appears, the rest of the route will become clearer. Nor is there only one way to the destination. I'm hoping for one of those stealthy transitions where changes to my body finally "out" me, at which point the switch to female-mode will be quick and actually greeted with some warmth by others -- along the lines of, "Why has this female been dressing in men's clothes?" That is, after the female body and personna bloom, then feminine apparel/adornment can come. I want the awkward inbetween stage to be as short and painless as possible. I can dream, right?

There is a "rachet effect" going on. Each step toward femininity establishes a new norm from which I can't retreat. Hairstyle is a good example. As recently as two months ago, was

parting my hair in normal male style

with lots of forehead showing, as I had done for years . After shaving my beard two months ago and arranging my hair differently, I can't stand to go back to the old way. I've tried it occasionally over the last two months and it lasts only seconds before I go "Ugh!" and switch back to the new norm. Another exampl

e: Started trimming body hair before castration,

and it has continued. Finally got tired of the remaining "dirt" on my legs and shaved 'em.

Having a hard time accepting myself again. I take long walks to "process my issues," as well as to dull the pain, I guess. With lack of acceptance come thoughts of suicide. But I tell myself: "Transition...is better than...suicide." Occurred to me that suicide is an extreme form of self-exile. That being the case, I should be satisfied with exile to Chicago. The population here is more accepting of gender-variant people than folks in the Deep South. Any observer would say, "Give things a try in Chicago before looking for another exile."

Been looking for an epilator -- you know, those beauty devices which rip hairs out by the root. Loved this review by one lady: "When you first take it out of the box, it looks like a torture instrument and when you switch it on, it sounds vicious."

Thanks for listening,

Terri

P.S. to Erica: I halved the pills as you suggested. When I took last night's half-pill, it seemed so small I decided to pop another in. "Make up your mind, girl!"

[alecia (imported)]

I say, it seems so tiny and insignificant, the human hair...but its growth or lack of growth becomes one of the most frustrating aspects of identity there is. And for a male to female TS, nothing is less appealing than dealing with a body covered in nasty hair. A beard that takes over 300 hours of electrolysis? ACK!

Are you getting any GID counselling yet, or are you just getting the meds and self-administering?

And girl....I am 28 months off HRT and STILL hot flashin'! No fair!

Sorry I had lost touch with your posts here, hon. I will endeavor to check here a lot more often to see how you are. Sometimes things get really tough and we have to stand together or we stop standing.

::

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Was pretty low today. Really not thrilled about transition. Was indifferent toward it today. Did some more reading of TS memoirs. While reading about reactions to TS's (e.g., "You'll never be a real woman"), I think: "Just F 'em all. Forget transition; I'll be a loner." Sorry. I hate that F word. Just gotta use it sometimes.

Where is the needle on the transition meter today? Shooting for a feminized body while remaining a male socially. Changes day by day.

GID is so perplexing. What ARE we supposed to DO? Figure I've lived a productive life up to this point, and now I'm pretty worthless. Why even use up the resources for living? -- they're just going to waste on me.

But we don't get to decide when we leave this earth. So we go on.

SO -- bought some cosmetics to practice with. Also bought an Emjoi torture machine (http://www.emjoi.com/productpages/hair/ ... optpro.htm) for ripping out chest hair. Actually got a bit tearful/emotional on the way home reflecting on the purchase: "That hair... doesn't belong THERE!" *sniff* As TS's, our minds have a different body image than what the mirror shows.

Day 13 of estrogen: Nipples have gotten sensitive. In case you are wondering: b's are something I can happily live with even if I never transition. Times in the mirror are disappointing without them.

* * *

Hi Unmasked,

Regarding GID therapy: I had five sessions during my 'check with the professionals' phase in Philadelphia (August). The therapist agreed with my self-diagnosis (GID) but didn't think it was time for hormones yet. Maybe I displayed too much ambivalence about transition. Now that I'm settled in Chicago and looking for a job, I need to watch money more carefully so gender therapy has been put on hold. Some things can't wait, however. I wanted to at least try estrogen, to see what sort of mental effects it would have. You know firsthand what life is like without hormones; it gets hard in the long run. (Just ask my wife. Ask what she thought about my emotional instability.) Well, I've tried estrogen and love it.

As for hot flashes: Yours do seem to be lasting a long time. Mine never really stopped, but they were mild and infrequent. Try taking DHEA. It seems to promote health in low-hormone folks like us, and it may boost your T-level just enough to stop the flashes.

Terri

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

As you recall, I was pretty depressed yesterday:

GID is so perplexing. What ARE we supposed to DO? Figure I've lived a productive life up to this point, and now I'm pretty worthless. Why even use up the resources for living? -- they're just going to waste on me.

Today has started off differently, for the better. Was reading Jenny Boylan again and was struck by this passage:

Boylan [referring to transition]: I can't do this to my wife.

Therapist: Listen, you aren't "doing" anything. You are a transsexual. Amazingly, you have managed to carry this burden all these years. It is time for you to get help...

It is then I realized that I, too, had carried the burden successfully all these years. It helped having the "useful lie" that I was only TV, a lie that even I believed. That is, until the lie no longer worked.

(Interestingly, the

song "She's Come Undone" by the Guess Who made a

strong impression on me just a few weeks before the Nov. 2004 gender shift. Indeed, the 'she' in me has since come undone, unwrapped, unbound.)

So I cried tears of thankfulness that I was able to have a good 11 years of Christian marriage, was able to be father to our son until his 6th year, had the opportunity to work in missions, etc. Puts a different spin on things and makes me glad my issues stayed submerged as long as they did.

The social dysfunction was present but undetected. In a way, my problem became my son's problem. Family observed proudly at the time, "Never saw a father who spends so much time with his child." We played together, spent time togther, a lot. But it was a result of my issues: (1) didn't have outside friendships to maintain; (2) didn't have male interests which took me away from him; (3) was more like a loving, nurturing mom inside. How did it become a problem for my son? He and I were together so much, it stifled his interest in other relationships. Wife says he is blossoming now.

Reflections on transition: Now I'm comparing it to a swimming pool. Yes, I want to go in the water; it's always attracted me. But the deep end (full-time) is scary because I haven't learned to swim yet. So I'm not worrying about the deep end for now. First going to play and splash in the shallow end.

By the way, for those who would like gender therapy but can't afford it (or it's not convenient right now), do some TS reading. It's like holding a mirror up to your life, enabling you to assess the quality and degree of your issues.

Nice to end on a positive note for once,

Terri

[EricaAnn (imported)]

Hi Terri,

It was great having lunch with you on Saturday. I always enjoy your company!

So far, estrogen is my favorite over T, DHEA, and progesterone.

I so glad that you're enjoying the estrogen and I fully agree with you...it's my favorite hormone too! The increased sensitivity of your nipples is a very good sign. You're now moving into the physical effects of the estrogen. Now it's really going to get fun!

The lure of that swimming pool of transition is great. For most of us TG/girls, we eventual get wet, because we do have to take that swim...we simply must try. So ease yourself slowly into that swimming pool of transition, even if it's just the shallow end.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

A letter mailed to my wife today:

Hate to be writing this. When you stigmatize my condition, it makes me want to seek death. Saturday (post-conversation) and Sunday were very hard. You do not realize the gravity of the situation. Consequently, let's keep future communications short and businesslike. Likewise, proceed with the divorce so future communication can be minimal. That as much as anything will enable me to function successfully at a job.

Tell people whatever you want. I just don't want to be party to half-truths, false fronts, and the like. The Lord's outing of me to [family-friend] was rather refreshing.

* * *

Thoughts on transition: Still feeling comfortable with the idea of a slow, noncommittal transition. That is: take hormones (low dose), remove body hair, remove beard (as finances allow), and start using my gender-neutral middle name (Terry) at home and professionally. If and when body makes me look more female than male, then will probably finish the transition. For the time being, however, full-time sounds so scary. It also feels somewhat unnecessary now that I'm enjoying the mental benefits of estrogen (and am anticipating its feminizing effects, albeit at a slower pace).

You know what's great about EA? I can blather on about this stuff for FREE! With a gender therapist, it would cost me $125/hour.

Went to a welcoming-and-accepting church yesterday and had lunch with a subset of their GLBT group. Felt welcomed and accepted. However, the experienced was mixed. Being open to GLBT issues brings an openness toward other, unrelated things that would concern conservative Christians. Simple analysis: You can't have your cake and eat it, too. Not sure how I feel about it all, but hoping healthy spiritual growth will be the result whatever I decide. It is nice, however, being among "one's own kind" where you can be open and be yourself.

Terri

[EricaAnn (imported)]

Dear Terri,

I'm so sorry that your recent conversation with the spouse has got you so down. Is it a safe assumption on my behalf that this discussion occurred after we had lunch? As I have come to find....a lot of people just don't understand people like us. They have never experienced this....this.....discongruience between mind and body that effects those of us with GID. They just can't understand the inner torment and heartache that we have lived with. My heart goes out to you Girl.

I am glad to see that the estrogen is having a positive mental effect on you. Take my word, there's nothing like it!

And I'm happy that you have found an accepting congregation to worship with. I have also found the same through Dignity Chicago. The spouse and I attended last night and it was absolutely beautiful. It's so good to be able to worship our Lord as the person He made me.

Hang in there Terri. You've made it through some of the roughest times for us TG/girls and it's only going to get better from here.