Late onset (yet always there)

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

All moved in to my new place. Apartment-mate is supportive of my issues and got a book off her shelf entitled Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides, an intersexed person who went from female presentation (Callie) to male presentation at age 15. One of the poignant moments: Fellow classmates were well into puberty and Callie was feeling left behind. She asked her mom if she could finally start wearing a bra. Her mother laughed and said, "But, you've got nothing to...to...to hold it up!" A tantrum ensued and Callie ran to her room. Lifting her shirt and checking herself in the mirror, Callie saw that mom was right. She burst into tears of frustration and rage. Reminds me of how I've checked myself so many times in the mirror post-castration, always hopeful, only to be disappointed. [CORRECTION: The joke's on me. After finishing the book, I learn it's a novel. Jeffrey Eugenides is a normal male, not intersexed. Great narrative, however.]

Been taking lots of long walks the last several weeks, to "decompress" as my sister put it. My family wants me to hook up with a psychiatrist in Chicago, but I figure it would just be a re-hash of sessions in Philadelphia. After all, the one in Philly gave me a pretty clean bill of mental health. My problem is fairly simple to understand at this point: proceed with transition, or face crippling/suicidal depression. What does this have to do with long walks? I figure long walks and a slower pace of life accomplish as much (if not more) as having a $175/hr person in my life.

Gender therapy, on the other hand, is something I need. Have to wait till I'm working again, however.

HRT: Got my hands on a sample of estrogen. Going into Day 3, no discernible effects still. Emotional spectrum is the same (good). Still get the "fragile feeling" in my muscles at night. Maybe sleep has improved. Kinda surprised at the lack of effects since progesterone and DHEA gave results right away. (NOTE: Taking asprin concurrently to avoid bloodclots.)

Terri

P.S.: Looking forward to meeting folks at the Central States EA meeting this weekend!

[plix (imported)]

How is the estrogen doing? How much and what type are you taking? I am excited you are finally able to start and hope it turns out to be everything you are hoping for.

Taking the aspirin is smart, and if you can get a doctor to at least monitor some bloodwork, that is even smarter

[bryan (imported)]

Regarding HRT: I'm taking 2mg of Estrofem per day orally. This is Day 6, and effects have been nil to minimal. The only effect has been improved sleep, with more dreams. But it's hard to tell if this effect is from E or just my increased mental peace over transition. (Or is the mental peace from E???)

While out driving yesterday, I noticed the "GID monkey" wasn't chattering in my ear all the time. My mind was actually blank for awhile, allowing me to think about whatever I wanted, including non-pressing matters. Again, this could simply be from increased acceptance of transition.

In case you are wondering: Yes, I'm checking daily for breast development/changes.

Have had a couple hot flashes, so 2mg/day is probably just an appetizer as far as my body is concerned.

Was looking at estrogen in the TG section of InHouse pharmacy...like being in a candy store! I'm considering using creams instead of pills. If y'all have any recommendations, feel free to speak up.

Terri

[BudleyBare (imported)]

...

I noticed the "GID monkey" wasn't chattering in my ear....

What is a GID monkey?

[bryan (imported)]

What is a "GID monkey"?

Budley,

Sorry for being unclear. It's a term I made up, but figured other TGs would understand immediately. First, GID stands for Gender Identity Disorder. Second, monkeys are known to be active and mischievous, and people with serious problems talk about having a "monkey on their back." When you have GID, it becomes the focus of your life, all your waking hours. You're able to think about other things, but the GID is always there in the background (if not the foreground), asking for attention. Kind of like having a chattering monkey on one's shoulder which one can ignore only so long. The empty mind yesterday was such a change from the norm that it got my attention.

Hope that explains it,

Terri

[BudleyBare (imported)]

Budley,

Sorry for being unclear. It's a term I made up, but figured other TGs would understand immediately. First, GID stands for Gender Identity Disorder. Second, monkeys are known to be active and mischievous, and people with serious problems talk about having a "monkey on their back." When you have GID, it becomes the focus of your life, all your waking hours. You're able to think about other things, but the GID is always there in the background (if not the foreground), asking for attention. Kind of like having a chattering monkey on one's shoulder which one can ignore only so long. The empy mind yesterday was such a change from the norm that it got my attention.

Hope that explains it,

Terri

Thanks. Now I understand.

[plix (imported)]

Remember that it will take a very long time to notice any real effects. Placebo is powerful and can be expected to take the blame for the first week or so. After that point, depending on your sensitivity, you may begin to notice some mental and emotional effects. Others don't notice these effects until later on, and some never notice them. What they will be depends on many factors, including the appropriateness of you being on estrogen (whether transition is right for you).

I usually hear that the first signs of breast development, nipple tenderness and puffiness, can be expected to begin anywhere from 2 weeks-3 months. Since I was pretty young, I was closer to two weeks. Age and sensitivity will greatly impact the beginning of the physical changes, and to what extent they will occur. I was young, but I seem to be not very sensitive, so in a year I never got beyond breast buds. That is very unusual, so don't worry

I would avoid creams. Gels are different from creams and can work very well. But creams are known to have poor absorption rates. I am not sure whether you mean true creams or estrogel, which is a gel and something I used for a long time with reasonable success. I never considered a cream because I read so much about the poor absorption.

If you can afford them, patches are the safest and have great success in the right dosage. But they do cost more and that will prohibit their use for many.

[lindaleah (imported)]

Hello Bryan

Just wanted to give my support. I agree with MrT about hormone balance. I first went on about 2 mg day of E (1mg pill plus cream) self medicating for a little over a month and it took about 3 weeks to when I first noticed any results. My breast got sensitive (a lot) and grew just a little? I then went on Dr monitored (thanks to advice on this site) a low dose of Spironolactone and estrogen. With approval from my Dr I doubled the spironolactone after 1 week and my T dropped from 267 to 175 but my E dropped also since I had stopped the higher dose E. I got depressed! First time in my life. Probably a good thing to know what it is. I told my Dr and she doubled the E and now I am doing GREAT and feel GREAT. Still a very low dose for true transition but she wants to take me slowly as I am only the second transgendered person she’s seen and she is learning with me. I don't know my E and T levels as I requested to wait till Nov to recheck. Had to slow it down because of money. Insurance is paying for some of it but not much.

Wish you all the good in the world and hope your life goes in great direction. I absolutely believe We have the power within us to determine most of our own outcomes.

LindaLeah

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Had an extremely low time tonight. Guess I had optimistically put transition on the shelf again, and depression came and whacked me. Absolutely whacked me. Had trouble holding back tears while walking back from the grocery store. Was missing my boy, too. Used up lots of Kleenex at home. Couldn't breathe through my nose for awhile.

(For what it's worth, I skipped last night's dose of estrogen. Hard to believe one missed dose could have an effect, but you never know.)

I should be in a better mood, having been to the Central States EA meeting. It was enjoyable meeting everyone, with yummy victuals, but the gathering only helped confirm the severity of my gender issues. I was secretly hoping that meeting other eunuchs in person would help me see that eunuch status is sufficient, that my perceptions of being female inside are exaggerated. However, unless the conversation was on EA-related stuff, I didn't have much to contribute. It was, after all, a male-oriented gathering. (As stated on another recent thread, males are still "men" after castration.) Rather than being my newly-uninhibited self, I retreated to my old, familiar "observer" mode, rarely contributing to the conversation. I have been an observer for so much of my life, and observer status is unsatisfying in the long run.

While thinking about gender issues tonight, saw that when I contemplate remaining male for the rest of my life, death immediately comes to mind. Though I give suicide the obligatory refusal, I would just be waiting for death. (Not saying that transition is going to be free of death thoughts. I just plain don't want to deal with my gender issues. The wheels fell off my gender in Nov. 2004, and I want to go home rather than try to deal with screwed-up gender. Such an enviable position we TS's are in: who wants to go against church and society?)

Wouldn't do too well remaining male. For instance: you know what I do when combing my hair? I play with it in the front until I'm not "ugly." If I see "man," then I'm still ugly.

Dreamed last night I had long, feminine hair (and loved it). Normal for a man? I think not!

My prayers changed this evening: "Lord: If transition is not Your will for me, take me from this life, or put roadblocks in the way. Don't let me outlive my love for You. Under the circumstances, transition is the only path open for me."

From my heart to yours,

Terri

P.S.: It's been a year since I last masturbated. Simply no interest, and no need.

[plix (imported)]

It looks like you have hit a bit of an obstacle, but I am not too worried yet. I don't like to see you depressed, but I know that bouts of depression are sometimes necessary to learn important lessons. I know this from personal experience. There have been times when I too thought I could not go on or deal with things anymore, but I look back on those times now and realize they were necessary parts of my journey of self-discovery.

Are you quitting the estrogen, or did you just skip it one time?

Some mood swings on hormones are expected, but if you suddenly find yourself becoming depressed all the time after starting estrogen, that may be a sign to take things cautiously. Estrogen is not appropriate for everyone, and most transgenders say upon starting estrogen they develop intense feelings of well-being. A man would not fare well emotionally on estrogen because it is not right for him.

Take care and feel free to give me a call if you want to talk