Late onset (yet always there)

[bryan (imported)]

Christina,

Thanks for your encouragement. Yes, I will do what I must to survive.

* * *

ON THE PSYCHIATRIST COUCH

First a question for all of you: Does removal of testosterone lead one to be less inhibited? Doctor and sister have been concerned with "impulsivity" and wife has been concerned with emotional immaturity. I think both items would be explained by lessened inhibitions, and I do feel less inhibited since castration. Any evidence, anecdotal or otherwise?

Something from today's session with my psychiatrist: This topic gets a bit embarrassing/emotional for me, but I mention it for the sake of providing insight into this mystery called transsexualism:

Reading a post elsewhere made me realize how disgusting oral sex with a female would be to me now. It had previously been a strong fantasy, combined with femdom. But, probing this further: Is that just the effect of diminished libido? What about oral sex on a man?

Hmm...no revulsion. Maybe it would be interesting. *Sigh*

They say the sexual orientation of TS's can change, particularly closer to the time of SRS. I feel like my psyche has already transitioned significantly, leaving my body in the dust.

You know how this makes me feel?!!

I can't believe I'm writing this,

Terri

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

ON THE PSYCHIATRIST'S COUCH

Yesterday's session made me realize I would have liked SRS back in college. When I first heard of penis envy, I thought, "Oh, c'mon! Give me a break!" Venus envy, on the other hand, was something I identified with. But even if I recognized the desire for SRS back then, I'm sure I quashed it with thoughts like, "That's SO MUCH money. It's so RADICAL. What would my family think? I'm not that bad off." Maybe if I had been in therapy back then, my gender identity could have been sorted out.

I am PISSED OFF at what testosterone did to me -- the lusts it gave me. The lusts combined with my confused gender identity made me a real mess sexually. A lot of sex for me was auto-erotic and wasn't over quickly but played out in scenes.

(To those who wish to defend testosterone, just remember: T is good for males, bad for females. I'm not saying T is universally evil. T was bad for me.)

Yet, here I am. I survived. Even came to know the Lord. The future looks better than the past. Brought one child into the world...a bright, wonderful boy.

Doctor asked about suicidal thoughts. They haven't been a problem of late. When I see hurdles on the transition path, I momentarily lose hope and think of death. But I know it's not an option; after all, the Lord didn't take me during the period I was so earnestly praying for death (March 20th to July 15th). Also, with the household going nuclear and me coming out to my family, the suicide bomb has been defused: no more secrets, and the divorce which I could not have initiated is already in motion.

Have started reading the book "Something More: Excavating Your Authentic Self" by Sarah Ban Breathnach. The title appealed since I've been trying to do exactly that: excavate my true self. Some quotes from the book:

We'll exhume all the perfectly reasonable choices that derailed your dreams and brush off the clinging soil hiding the half-truths that have haunted you for all these years. (Terri asks ruefully: What if I had gone ahead and pursued my gender issues back in college?)

...

Julian Sleigh reminds us that we have only three choices [for dealing with each crisis/demon/fear in our lives]:

1. Ignore it and hope it will go away. It won't.

2. Try and live with it. Not forever.

3. Look for the gift within our fear and benefit from it. When we do, we emerge on the other side of life, surprised by joy.

...

Unfulfilled desires are dangerous forces.

- Sarah Tarleton Colvin

ADDENDUM:

Sister asked about suicidal thoughts. Told her it's not an issue anymore but revealed this: Death was my first choice over transition and still is. But death isn't an option, and I've stopped praying for it. That leaves transition.

In Jenny Boylan's book She's Not There, the comparison is made between TSism and classic hero stories. First, the dragon is identified (cross-gendering). Next, the heroine must fulfill her destiny by accepting the formidable task of slaying the dragon (thru transition). I guess TS's make Earth a more colorful place and provide opportunities for study. Consider, for instance, how my psychiatrist is so reticent to impute personality changes to hormones. We know better, right? If people weren't crossing genders in each direction, we'd all be poorer for it.

I have accepted my destiny and will transition, whatever it takes. Picked up two beauty books today along with True Selves. Ordered 10 more copies of True Selves so I can "hand them out like pretzels," as Jenny Boylan put it.

Terri

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

I guess there is a sense of destiny when one realizes their own TSism. After dealing with the puzzle for so long, when "THE ANSWER" appears, it is life-changing and there's a sense of mission.

Skimmed one of the beauty books last night. Covers make-up, nails, and hair. A bit intimidating. Make-up and nailcare are foreign to me. Interest in hair comes naturally, but feel really limited in hairstyle unless hairline can be corrected at temples; otherwise I'll need bangs all the time.

Took a long, sometimes-tearful walk this morning to sort out the GID. Realized I wasn't exaggerating yesterday when I stated death is preferred over transition. Suppose it helps that I expect to be female in Heaven; Earth isn't my one and only shot at womanhood. While looking at flight information for my trip to Chicago tomorrow, found myself wondering (a little hopefully), "What if the plane were to crash?" Don't worry. I'm doing okay enough -- not praying for death.

So why am I transitioning?

To have sex? No, that's not a goal as such.

To be popular and "win friends and influence people?" Hardly.

To do lots of girlie things (make-up, nails, clothes)? No.

To be able to relate with females as a peer (thus make friends)? Yes.

To avoid crippling depression? Yes.

To present the exterior which best matches my behavior and interests? Yes.

To be acknowledged as the female I am? Yes.

As you can see, my transition is not for recreational reasons. Merely trying to survive.

There are parts of transition I look forward to, such as hormones and the resultant changes. Fashion and make-up are intimidating. Sometimes I wish I could just hang a big "F" around my neck and have people accept me as female. But people don't take a cross-gendered identity seriously unless you actually go all the way.

Am I complaining? Kind of. This is a big interruption, like a life-threatening illness. Can't resume "ordinary life" until the GID is dealt with. I always thought TS's looked forward to transition as a "fun" thing.

[WARNING! WARNING! MAJOR MOOD SWING IN PROGRESS!]

Maybe it will be fun once I have some boobies.

Terri

[EricaAnn (imported)]

Dear Terri,

You present many good reasons and the same reasons that almost all of us attempt transitions, but as you well know, there are a lot of down sides to the process. You have already experienced some of them in your own life.

Conversely, there are a lot of fun things about transition as well, i.e.; finally being the person you really are, the experience of your own femininity and the way one projects that femininity. Therefore, the outside of the packaging must reflect the true person. Outward appearance is very important to most GG's and the hair, nails, make up and clothing all become very important in the packaging. It's something that's not hard and you'll find that it will come very natural in time, especially after the start of HRT.

Hang in there Girl. You've come along way already!

Oh, and by the way......the boobies are a lot of fun!

Looking forward to meeting you this weekend!

L & R

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

I'm becoming more comfortable/confident in my female gender identity:

When wife asked me to leave, I was considering the time away as an opportunity to explore who I am, permitting exposure to therapy, support groups, and whatever else. I'm also exploring changes in personal appearance. The beard is gone and will stay gone. No longer parting my hair in normal male style; wearing it down in the front like a mop, with plans to let it grow. Trimmed hair in front of ears for a pixie look. Started moisturizing face. Plucked eyebrows. Looking forward to experimenting with eye liner and mascara. A cotton nightgown has been comforting. Not concerned what signals my mannerisms might be sending; just being myself. Rounded my nails without shortening them. All feels nice/natural so far; not forced in the least.

The weather has been delightful yesterday and today, with a nice breeze and wispy clouds against a clean, blue sky. During a long walk, I felt it would have been preferrable to have a floppy wide-brimmed hat, long hair, and a comfortable dress.

The female identity is being affirmed/consolidated. When I postulate being male inside, troubling puzzles and contradictions are encountered, necessitating long analysis. When I postulate being female inside, there aren't contradictions, and the result is PEACE.

* * *

How's my family taking my coming out? Mom is angry at me; she feels I have abandoned my son. Dad is accepting of the TSism, but encouraging me to be responsible toward my wife and son. Both think I can postpone transition long enough (10 years?) to be a good, live-away father in the meantime. A sister-in-law is a D.O. and has been an advocate for me, explaining to others that deep psychic pain is involved. A brother (the one married to the D.O.) cried at the coming-out letter, seeing how close I came to suicide. He asked me to call him if suicidal thoughts get out of hand again.

Realize now I have to do what is necessary to live. Even if others consider my actions selfish, can't allow myself to get cornered again where death/suicide end up looking attractive. Long before I started praying for death, I was envying the dead, both those in graveyards as well as animal roadkill. Walking past a graveyard today, there was no envy. That's a healthy sign, wouldn't you agree?

TSism is so sad. Fought the cross-dressing desires for so long. If only I had known as a teenager what the driving force was. I remember wondering time after time, "WHY do I have these desires?!" Now I know -- I'm female inside.

Terri

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

I'll be settling in Philly. Plix's intuition served well: seems my family was more interested in talking me out of transition than offering support. Found myself thinking, "If this is support, why are thoughts of death returning?"

My search for a place to live is in high gear. Looking to share a place since I need people, now that I don't have testosterone. One place looks especially good: cheap, mixed neighborhood, piano(!), full use of house. Owner/occupant is a mature, gay male (and I revealed my issues to him). He needs the money and some companionship as well.

Makes you wonder: Just who is the best sort of apartment-mate for an MtF? Certainly not a straight male.

Another possiblity is sharing a 2BR with a female. Told her of my issues and she even e-mailed back asking about a move-in date, so I guess she wasn't put off by it.

Saw my psychiatrist today. He finally had a chance to talk with my gender therapist. Seems like his demeanor changed for the better as a result -- not as skeptical or probing. Looks like there's no "co-morbidity." WOO-HOO! I'm sane! His only concern was whether I would be impulsive enough to find an underground doctor to do SRS. That's a much better diagnosis than bipolar, depression, or mania.

We talked about options besides transition. The outcome is I would probably be satisfied by feminization and SRS while retaining a somewhat-male or androgynous presentation at work. As long as I can develop enough relationships which affirm the female identity, a full transition probably wouldn't be necessary. Clothes aren't a big thing.

That's all for now,

Terri

[plix (imported)]

I think sharing a place with someone else is a good idea as you do need the support. Preferably a tranny friendly someone (although not too tranny friendly, if you can see where I'm going). If both the male and female are equally accepting and willing to have you, I would choose the female at this point in your transition (assuming she is not also a transwoman in the early stages of transition, although this could have advantages too). This is because you need female guidance at this time when you are attempting to learn a female role. Perhaps she can help you with things like clothes, makeup, mannerisms, general presentation, that sort of thing.

If you are able to find a therapist who will approve SRS without requiring a full female presentation everywhere and everytime, including work, then you are very lucky. The SoC require that a candidate for SRS live full time in the female role in order to qualify.

By the way, I would suggest that an MtF rooming with a straight male might actually be fun, depending on the circumstances

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

When I don't write, it's usually because things are going okay. Not the case for Thursday and Friday; I was too depressed to write. Where to begin?

Transition is on hold indefinitely. Certainly need a job first. Plus, have been missing my son terribly.

Called my wife and told her I was considering moving to the town 30 minutes from her and getting a low-paying job* with the goal of regular unsupervised contact with our boy. She said I need to establish a track record first; thoughts of death were too prevalent when I was back home. She said occasional trips to the area would be acceptable, with supervised contact. (*The market for computer jobs is very small in rural north Florida.)

Thoughts of death were prevalent Thursday and Friday. Why? I suppose because of rejection by wife/in-laws and perceived rejection by some members of my family. (With my family, it's more complicated. The TSism isn't so bad as the pending divorce and "abandonment" of my child. But it all adds up to distance/rejection.) Here is how the rejection feels: "Bryan" is accepted but "Terri" is an undesirable. If I want acceptance, I need to re-adopt Bryan's personna. But that's not ME, so I feel rejected.

In case you wondering: I haven't been praying for death. Been resisting the urge, but consider it victory to not pray for death.

Mildly amusing and ironic: When you reveal something as dramatic as TSism and go through turmoil such as this, people start telling you what they really think about you, i.e., what character flaws they have noticed for a long time. Gets me thinking, "Well, sounds like there were aspects of Bryan you didn't care for at all. So why do you want to resurrect him? Aren't some changes preferrable?"

With the flak I received from my family about "abandoning" my child, the divorce has been rubbing me the wrong way. After all, court papers are supposed to contain the truth, correct? Told my wife I was going to insist on truth: She told me to leave. She's the one who wants the divorce. And if I'm not transitioning, then why shouldn't I have unsupervised contact with our boy?

Yet later that day, was thinking, "Don't fight it." As a transsexual, I don't know how how reliable my promises are or what ability I have to forestall transition.

Regarding living arrangements, was planning to move in with the male on Monday. But started thinking, "Where is my next hug going to come from? How long will I have to wait?" I don't want to become co-dependent on my housemate. An article in the Chicago paper spoke of the importance of local diners in the social lives of lonely people, and mentioned an elderly woman who had gone three years without a hug. How sad.

I was starting to consciously shutdown my personality and withdraw, saying to myself, "I've been an ultra-introvert in the past, so I can be one again. If they don't want Terri, they won't have Bryan either." Reminiscent of the Simon and Garfunkel song that goes, "I am a ROCK! I am an ISLAND!"

Was even feeling like not going to church. After all, if the church-goers knew the inside me, they wouldn't want me in their midst. So I may seek a GLBT-friendly church regardless of whether I transition or not.

As humans, we have a need to be accepted for who we are. It's empty to be loved for the person we project -- if it's not the real us. "So what if they love Bryan? Terri is very alone and suffering in silence."

On Thursday, was thinking about moving to Chicago again. Philadelphia's never-ending narrow streets were getting on my nerves. Plus the social opportunities in Philly look bleak. Erica's crisis has me thinking seriously about Chicago again. I don't have any stakes in Philly.

So: Do I sound conflicted or what?!!

Terri

P.S. to Plix:

By the way, I would suggest that an MtF rooming with a straight male might actually be fun, depending on the circumstances.

Funny!

[bryan (imported)]

Hi everyone,

Now it looks like I'm headed to Chicago after all, with plans to roll out of Philly on Tuesday. Realized staying in Philly (in my case) was a move toward withdrawal/alienation. Moving to Chicago is a healthy step, kind of like a "face your fear" situation. No telling how few years my parents have left. Plus, I really would prefer living in the Chicago area over Philly. Philly's narrow streets, not to mention the double-parked vehicles, had me feeling claustraphobic. I've also been a bit concerned about the combination of hills and snow in the wintertime. My sister told me of her first experience in the snow here: "Hah! They're all staying home. What a bunch of wimps." Then her car skidded downhill right through the stop sign leading out of her subdivision. No accident, fortunately.

Regarding my 6yo boy: When I see a drama where a father has been absent, especially where it has caused emotional damage to the child, it tears at me and I just about lose it.

Where is the needle on the Thoughts-O-Death meter? In the "fairly frequent" zone. TSism, and its destructive impact on our family/work/social lives, is a pain to deal with. I'm tired of it. Still not praying for death, but hopeful that cars would leap the curb while I'm out on walks.

Went to a support group last night. Part of the discussion focused on the isolation we experience even before any steps toward transition. Often, it is deliberate on our part: male friendships are unsatisfying, and we can't attain the sort of female friendships we seek.

"Gee, Terri, if there was anything you could change about your life, what would it be?"

- Avoid second marriage? But then our boy wouldn't exist.

- Explore gender issues earlier in life? But I was clueless about the significance of the issues and how to go about seeking guidance.

- Join the military and volunteer for risky missions? Possibly, except I've always been a consciencious objector.

Not coming up with any big regrets. Oh, well.

Terri

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

MAKE OF THIS WHAT YOU WILL: A distant family friend of my in-laws found out my wife and I were splitting up. She asked why, but mother-in-law (MIL) wouldn't say. Feeling burdened, the family friend prayed. She eventually sensed an answer, "Bryan thinks he's a woman trapped in a man's body." Thought to herself, "That can't be right." Yet, the same words kept coming in prayer. So she finally asked MIL if she heard correctly from the Lord. MIL's silence let her know it was true.

Pondered that episode over lunch today. Not sure if those are the exact words, so can't read too much into them. But the statement is absolutely true. It's interesting what is not said. My wife and in-laws would expect to hear something like, "Bryan has departed from Me" or "An unclean female spirit has taken possession of him." But that's not the case. Am I offended the Lord "outed" me? Not at all. Back in the pressure-cooker I called home, I wanted to disclose the problems but my wife wanted to keep a lid on things.

Where's the needle on the Death-O-Meter today? Still tired of GID and would prefer death. After all, unless I transition, who's going to accept me as female? On the positive side, I started thinking of ways beside transition to "let the lady out." Here's one area:

I'm excited about the house-share I found. Revealed my issues already. Owner hasn't done much decorating yet and said, "Perhaps your feminine side could influence the house positively." Wow! Let's go back to the first post on this thread:

I'm more concerned with...

appearance, and would like to pick out some of our household linens.

I had been planning to express femininity in the decor of my bedroom and bathroom, but this opens up the kitchen, living room, etc. Woo-hoo! I'll have to go slow since I'm new at this thing. But shopping for home decor is something I'm looking forward to.

Also, looked slowly thru women's magazines today while waiting for an oil change, even with a woman in the chair next to me. I don't care as much now what people think about this male-appearing person.

If all goes as planned, will get on the road around 2pm Tuesday and arrive in my new area Thursday afternoon.

Terri