bryan (imported) wrote: Sat Jul 29, 2006 9:23 am
jobs aren't a life-and-death matter; nor are any of the other of the usual criteria for selecting a future home. What is a life-and-death matter is transition. I need to ensure a successful transition. My life is riding on it. So that will be the overriding factor in deciding where to live.
Hi Terri,
While I agree with your statement, transition can be and is a very, very expensive process. You'll not only need enough money to support yourself.....you'll also need money for all of those "little extra" things, i.e.; therapy, doctors, electrolysis, hormones, clothes.....more electrolysis, more clothes, etc. and then there's the SRS. A costly proposition in it's self.
So please keep in mind the market place for your employment skills when making your decision on where to relocate.
If I could make one suggestion.....seek out the larger more liberal metropolitan areas. There is a greater diversity of people thereby providing more of an opportunity for acceptance and to "fit in", if you know what I mean?
Took a LOONG walk today after talking with my wife. She has started the divorce process. Could be over as quickly as 30 days.
She feels hurt and rejected since I am not willing to pray for a content-male identity. I feel rejected because my present identity -- ME, in other words -- isn't good enough.
On the long walk, considered OVER AND OVER whether the marriage could ever work. According to wife, I'd have to be male inside again. (Hmm... Just how do I change my gender? I didn't orchestrate the Oct-Nov 2004 gender shift, and I'm at a loss for how one would change genders, assuming one were inclined.) Mulled the following question over and over: "Should I pray and ask God for a content-male identity?" Simply can't. My lifelong (though buried) desire has been to be female. And now I am -- inside. I want to nurture that identity, not squash it. Guess my wife loved who I was on testosterone; T was enough to push me from effeminate to soft male.
What if prayers for a male identity were answered? Would I suddenly think war is a reasonable thing to engage in at times, even cool because of some of the advanced weaons? Would I say to my wife, "Interested or not, we're having sex, Baby!" Would I start driving fast and take greater risks? Would I callously use a belt on my son's behind?
Maybe that sounds like a twisted view of manhood. But maybe it's because I've been viewing it from the outside in, not by instinct.
Just like gender-content folks get upset with the idea of TS's changing sex, I get upset with the idea of changing genders. It sounds absurd/perverse to ask a female to be a male.
Regarding contact with son: Supervised contact (letters, phone calls) will be allowed until first steps toward transition are taken. After that, no contact. You know my plans, so no contact, basically.
Won't fight. If I do, my wife will only fight stronger, with all the ferociousness of a mama bear protecting her cub. It's a sad situation. Guess I'll just accept my "death" and get on with life. Actually, will be praying the Lord brings about something better than what a nasty court fight can accomplish. Maybe my wife, in time, will come to see our son's need for his other parent.
Something ironic: To help give our case a low profile in the small town, wife's lawyer is filing it under our middle names. So I'll be 'Terry' in the divorce papers.
Terri
P.S. to Erica: Yes, I realize money will be needed. Should be able to find reasonably good work in any metro area. Thus, transition-success-potential becomes the deciding factor. Sad to hear of TGs in areas 150 miles or more from therapists. Something in Chicago's favor is most of my family is there and they are supportive so far.
Just had an emotional time at lunch by myself. Realized I'd be a fool to spurn my family's acceptance and their desire for me to live near them in the Chicago metro area.
It's kind of sad how my faith has put a wall between us in the past. Feel like a prig:
prig: n. A person who demonstrates an exaggerated conformity or propriety, especially in an irritatingly arrogant or smug manner. So I repent of that distance. Has anybody noticed how TSism devastates one's pride?
If they want me, really want me in their midst, I'll move to Chicago. Acceptance is so important, and we as TS's find so little of it when we finally bare our souls.
It will help my family to see the changes as they occur (as opposed to seeing huge differences if months passed between visits). They will also get to know the new, decloaked me. They will see me cry, they will hear my interests, they'll be able to ask questions. In time, my parents may even come to see me as their daughter. One can always hope. You know, I still want my mom's approval.
The location may also put me in a good position to see my boy occasionally. Hope springs eternal.
I sincerely hope and pray that you do find the acceptance you are seeking. If one cannot turn to one's most immediate family......where does one go or start?
Besides, you already have at least one friend in the Chicago area....me. Take good care of yourself. I'm looking forward to meeting you soon.
At the suggestion of my gender therapist, been reading She's Not There by Jennifer Finney Boylan (http://www.colby.edu/personal/j/jfboylan/), a MtF who transitioned in 2000. About halfway done with the book. Cried as I came across parallels in our lives.
Jennifer compares transition to emigration: An arduous journey across the sea for a better life, yet never being able to fit in completely, always speaking with a discernible accent. Forced conscription is another of her analogies. It does seem like there's little choice, and we are yanked from our families.
Reading about her wife's heartbrokenness during transition makes me wonder if the quick and decisive explosion in my household was the best for all concerned. Time will tell. Hate to be the cause of pain; at least it isn't being drawn out.
Terri's pithy remark for the day (regarding transition):
Why is it the
BIGGEST DECISION
of my life presents me with the
LEAST CHOICE?
Terri
P.S. to Erica: Ditto. Looking forward to meeting you and hopefully becoming friends.
Just a couple of quick things. The first is something I've wondered about after seeing the change in your sister. Have you considered the possibility she may have had an ulterior motive in offering you acceptance and a place to live? She seemed accepting at first, but perhaps she believed that by getting you to come live with her she would be able to talk you out of transition and send you back home. Now that she sees she will not be successful, she is asking you to leave. She does not appear to be so accepting after all.
I say this only because I am concerned about the same with your family in Chicago. Are they truly accepting, or do they hope to talk you out of transition by having you with them in person?
The other thing is that don't forget there are many, many women who support war, want sex 24/7, drive fast and take risks, and hit children. You could do any or all of these things and still be a woman.
Christina (imported) wrote: Thu Jul 27, 2006 1:35 pm
I do know that right now you are not taking any hormones and that may be affecting your waivering between genders. I think that once you get started on them, you will find yourself feeling much better about what you are doing and where you are heading. Also, your emotions may become much more stable at that point and give you a much needed sense of well being.
I just wanted to add that I agree about hormones. In my opinion they help "define" your drives and desires. They also help with normal functions such as mental focus, energy and mood. *Ok, at least in my case. I know there are some folks who find life without them better but... I'm not one of them.
Someone took offense in a PM to my "down with males" statements in a previous post:
bryan (imported) wrote: Sun Jul 30, 2006 8:15 pm
What if prayers for a male identity were answered? Would I suddenly think war is a reasonable thing to engage in at times, even cool because of some of the advanced weaons? Would I say to my wife, "Interested or not, we're having sex, Baby!" Would I start driving fast and take greater risks? Would I callously use a belt on my son's behind?
I want to apologize. Here is what I replied:
I apologize. They are analogous to what you'd hear about smokers from a former smoker. There is confusion inside me, and what has resulted is an exaggerated distaste for things male. I'm aware of it. In fact, both my wife and I were concerned how I would react to our son's puberty in years to come. I think the distaste will pass with time, when I am past my vulnerable state of confusion. Once my identity comes into clear view and isn't challenged any longer, the exaggerated distance/stereotypes won't be necessary. Until then, I obsessively analyze my inner self and compare it to the observable world of gender.
There's also some regret/frustration I couldn't measure up to the male standards expected of me. I was too soft a disciplinarian for my southern in-laws. Didn't grasp the need to get out a .22 rifle to shoot squirrels who ate food intended for birds. Failed to stretch my boy enough for him to want to ride a two-wheeler. Ditto for teaching him to swim.
I'm the driver folks feel most comfortable with as passengers. Feel like mothers and wars shouldn't have to exist on the same planet. Castration was embarked on to make me compatible with my wife; never heard of a husband doing such a thing.
Sorry. I'm rambling. Just tired from this battle.
Sincerely,
Terri
P.S. -- I won't be a man-hater, I promise. It's just the vulnerable state I'm in right now.
As time goes on, learning the utter reality of something I said July 28th:
bryan (imported) wrote: Sat Jul 29, 2006 9:23 am
What is a life-and-death matter is transition. I need to ensure a successful transition. My life is riding on it.
In response to something my sister said, I was considering transition too ambivalently Sunday night. Ended up unable to function Monday. Conclusion? In order to function, I have to have transition somewhere in the plans. As I told my therapist yesterday, "My will to live is wrapped up in transition." Without it, I could just expect a dysfunctional lifetime on anti-depressants.
Now that transition is unquestionly in my plans again, my spirits are good and I'm productive. No meds!
* * *
Plix,
Good point about my sister and family having possible ulterior motives! I mentioned the possibility to my therapist and will keep it in mind during my exploratory visit to Chicago next week.
I have to start out by echoing the same concern Plix has stated about you sister. I hope this was a planned encounter and not one of a change in heart on your sisters part once you arrived.
I know all of this is going very hard on you, but you must keep up your faith in yourself. Do whatever you have to do for yourself to be happy. If that means having to move to Chicago then that's what you've got to do. If not, you have to be content in living life as you see fit. The latter is usually more difficult, but sometimes a good therapist can help you work through it.
Before I came out to my family I made a commitment to myself to see this thing through, even if it meant losing everyone. It was the only way I could survive. Lucky for me things turned out a lot better than I had hoped, but not everyone can say that.
We all can say that we've regretted doing things in the past, myself included. It should not be something to dwell on though. What's done is done and you can't go back and change it no matter how hard you try. Don't let too many things try and overwhelm you right now. Get yourself in a stable living enviroment and possibly a job now. Take care of these things first before moving ahead with your plans. It's not going to do you any good to worry about the big picture now. When you are ready, set little goals for yourself. You'll find that when doing that, they are much more satisfying and rewarding. Don't set unrealistic goals, you'll only be setting yourself up for failure. Take it one day at a time. Today is better than yesterday, tomorrow will be better than today.
