Late onset (yet always there)

[bryan (imported)]

Lilac,

Thanks for your sweet message.

* * *

Plix,

As far as electrolysis pain goes, I'm wondering about the upper lip since that's one of the most sensitive areas of the beard. I figured nipple area is a close second, if not more sensitive.

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Hi all,

Things ain't going so well. Sister is having a hard time emotionally with me around, harder than she expected. So I will be looking for new accommodations. Rest of family is thinking I should move [back] to Chicago, since that is where my family is centered. Any idea how good the TG services are in that area? Support groups, for instance? A quick check on the internet didn't look promising.

Sister is angry I tried electrolysis so soon. She is rightfully concerned about my wife/child and the economic uncertainties in our lives right now. For my part, I wanted to know what sort of torture to expect.

Which brings us to today's session with the psychiatrist: Sister and doctor are concerned I have a pattern of impulsive behavior, with examples including: religious conversion, second marriage, castration, and electrolysis. It's no fun being under the microscope. Doctor is concerned I will be a lone-ranger kind of transitioner; he's recommending locating near an interdisciplinary team of gender specialists (e.g., Johns Hopkins). Sounds a bit "ivory tower" to me, ESPECIALLY when a formal diagnosis hasn't even been made yet.

Seems he is not familiar with the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care (http://www.hbigda.org/Documents2/socv6.pdf). Decided to read them over today in order to protect myself. Very informative. Made notes on the pages for my sister to read. She's read some already and seems receptive. Seems like half the battle with GID is overcoming ignorance/prejudice, both among family/friends and professionals.

Neither my sister nor the doc view my upcoming appointments with gender therapists with much enthusiasm. So, do they think such folks are: (1) not really professionals, or (2) rubber stamps for self-diagnosed TS's? Guess their lack of enthusiam is what drove me to read the SoC. I need a competent professional's assessment of my GID along with a professional opinion for possible treatment. Transition is scary. If I can avoid it, I would like to. Even those who avoid it, however, may take hormones or cross-dress considerably. What are one's chances of tolerating GID without any such accommodations, i.e., returning to my home situation and being unambiguously male at all times? That's what I want to ask the professional. I've crashed once, and the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over again expecting different results.

Am I conflicted? HELL YES! It seems spiritual peace is found in transition, strangely enough. But I yearn for a return to the warmth/security of home life. I'm afraid the latter is just wishful thinking/denial. My mannerisms are probably an embarrassment to my wife.

As I ponder transition, I consider a possible alternative: go thru divorce, be somewhat androgynous/effeminate, have female friends, and let people think I'm gay. Can't see hanging around typical males socially, especially in the South. Can just imagine my conversation starters: "Hey, anybody see that tearjerker on Women's Entertainment channel last night? You know, the one where the mother and daughter had all these issues to work out between themselves...?" Wouldn't go over too well.

I see the gender doctor tomorrow. (Yippee!)

One other thing: This area, the western suburbs of Philly, is beautiful. There are wonderfully-landscaped neat/tidy homes. Many opt for English tea gardens. It's delightful going for walks.

Terri

[EricaAnn (imported)]

My Dear Sister,

Since I live in the Chicago area I can recommend the Chicago Gender Society as a starter. They have a web site www.chicagogender.com. There are many links at this site which should be helpful. My therapist, Deb Wilke, who has a great deal of experience in GID has a web site which can be found at www.compassionatecounseling.com.

Check out these suggestions and call me if you like and I can share some additional information with you.

Maybe the reason that your sister and psychiatrist are less than enthusiastic your visit to the gender specialist is that the they're not hearing what they want or expect to hear from you on this matter. They may want to think that this something that can be easily treated and then send you on your way back home to your spouse. People like us know better, if you know what I mean? This is exactly why many of us have suggested a gender therapist. Someone who is well versed on this topic. Hopefully things will go better on Wednesday.

By the way, the TG/Sisters of Chicago would welcome you if you decided to relocate back home.

Love,

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Saw the gender doctor today. It's such a relief to finally see a professional about the GID. Going to see her again tomorrow. Price is $125/hr. Nothing much to report except I could feel a twinge of disappointment when she said many TGs don't ever transition...

Which brings us back to how conflicted I am. On the drive home, I could tell I was driving defensively. Wow -- my will to live is at a normal level! Then it hit me: "My will to live has returned. But what if I don't transition -- will I still have a will to live?" Tears came at that point, because it appears the will to live is conditional on transition. So I have some serious soul-searching to do. Just what is the best thing to do? Won't have my wife in any case since identity alone clobbered the marriage. The thought of going through the rest of life as a man just sounds so drab.

Terri

[Christina (imported)]

Hi Terri,

I'd have to agree that your money would be more well spent on facial hair at this point. You may find later on down the road you won't have any need for body electrolysis as most, or all, of the hair will dissappear.

I'm glad that you got to see a therapist that knows about TS'ism. Anyone else just won't do you any good at all. And don't let any of their subtle comments put you down. Their job is to see how strong you feel about all of this and to explore the possibilities that there may other factors in mind as you suggested, like bi-polar or obsessive behaviour. Once they are ruled out there will be more focus on your transition.

I believe that anyone who has transitioned will tell you it's not an easy thing to do, but it does get easier as time goes on. This is where your therapist and support groups can help the most. No one would expect you to go out the first time in full feminine atire. It's a process, like any other, that you will get accustomed to and gradually work your way into it.

I do know that right now you are not taking any hormones and that may be affecting your waivering between genders. I think that once you get started on them, you will find yourself feeling much better about what you are doing and where you are heading. Also, your emotions may become much more stable at that point and give you a much needed sense of well being.

[plix (imported)]

Yes, there most certainly are TGs who never transition. I know this because I am one of them. Do I want to transition? More than anything in the world. But will I transition? I have chosen not to.

I have made my choice due to the circumstances I was faced with and for the most part I have made peace with it. I think there are some TGs who are able to make the choice not to transition, and there are some who cannot handle not transitioning. I personally know some TGs who would definitely kill themselves if they did not transition. I personally know others who have found a middle ground or even have done nothing at all and are able to enjoy their lives.

I can't tell you what is right for you - no one but you and God can. But I will repeat what I said earlier - if you have the opportunity to transition successfully and it is something you truly want, you might regret passing that opportunity up.

Also consider what Christina said about hormones. You may really find the way you see all of this change if you get on estrogen.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Just finished my second session with the gender therapist. Seems like she agreed with the idea we're not dealing with a 'dented' male identity but rather a full-spectrum female identity which has awakened. Asked her for a quick assessment of my condition at the end. She simply said, "I'm on board." I asked in clarification, "So my self-perception is working and I'm not going crazy?" She replied, "No, you're not crazy. Your perception is working well." I see her again Monday.

Before today's session, I was thinking about the option of a dreary life as a male (i.e., non-transition). Got to thinking about possible one-on-one close friendships with males. You know what? I fear wanting 'him' to hold me. I fear I'd reach for his hand accidentally on long walks. Conclusion: I don't think a male presentation will befit me in years to come. I don't want that sort of undercurrent in a 'peer' relationship.

There's a revealing poll about suicide

(http://beginninglife.com/newforum/index.php?t=msg&th=

3008&start=0) at BeginningLife.com. With 60 responses, the statistics are:

Thought about suicide: 50%

Attempted suicide: 35%

Never thought about suicide: 15%

Let that sink in: Suicide has been a consideration for 85% of respondents.

Haven't gone back for any electrolysis due to sister's feelings. When I do go back, I'll spend the dollars well (beard, not other places) in response to Christina and Plix.

Thanks for your friendship and feedback,

Terri

[lindaleah (imported)]

Dear Terri

Just think of all the wonderful things you will do when you become the woman you were meant to be. Happy days are ahead. Yes there will bumps in the road but they are there for all people not just us special girls.

Since you are into religion I thought I would pass on Anthony Robbins take. "Gods delays are not Gods denials". Be patient I feel it will happen for you.

I care

Lindaleah

[plix (imported)]

Just wondering - does your gender therapist know about your castration (or 'orchi', as the TG community usually calls it)? If so, what does she think about you already having completed that step at this stage?

[Leona Lee (imported)]

Leona here. Hi All! Suicide was a major consideration for me. I now realise that the Lord was not going to let that happen but I sure thought about it. It would have sure been a secular anwer. Silly me, well I'm doing well know and pray we all find our way. As I have said before, GID is a very real problem and difficult to deal with. I'm thankful I accepted help from above. I am now on SS disabilty and able to help others with simular problems.

All the Best, Leona

Hi all,

Just finished my second session with the gender therapist. Seems like she agreed with the idea we're not dealing with a 'dented' male identity but rather a full-spectrum female identity which has awakened. Asked her for a quick assessment of my condition at the end. She simply said, "I'm on board." I asked in clarification, "So my self-perception is working and I'm not going crazy?" She replied, "No, you're not crazy. Your perception is working well." I see her again Monday.

Before today's session, I was thinking about the option of a dreary life as a male (i.e., non-transition). Got to thinking about possible one-on-one close friendships with males. You know what? I fear wanting 'him' to hold me. I fear I'd reach for his hand accidentally on long walks. Conclusion: I don't think a male presentation will befit me in years to come. I don't want that sort of undercurrent in a 'peer' relationship.

There's a revealing poll about suicide

(http://beg

inninglife.com/newforum/index.php?t=msg&th=

3008&start=0) at BeginningLife.com. With 60 responses, the statistics are:

Thought about suicide: 50%

Attempted suicide: 35%

Never thought about suicide: 15%

Let that sink in: Suicide has been a consideration for 85% of respondents.

Haven't gone back for any electrolysis due to sister's feelings. When I do go back, I'll spend the dollars well (beard, not other places) in response to Christina and P

lix.

Thanks for your friendship and feedback,

Terri

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Occurred to me there was an identifiable personality change before the life-changing Oct-Nov 2004 gender shift. In June 2004, I became resigned to no further lovemaking, having "tired of the chase." Shortly after that is when I first considered castration. My prayers at the time were for the male equipment to shrivel and become non-functional. The personality change is that I started enjoying romance movies in a way I hadn't previously. Ironic, no? The Christopher Reeve / Jane Seymour movie Somewhere in Time was particularly engaging. Watched it several times. Don't recall identifying with either character in particular, or maybe there was a slight identification with Jane Seymour's character.

So if we are looking for a "trigger" which caused the female to wake up, it was probably cessation of lovemaking and resulting annoyance with male sex drive. I don't say "sexual frustration" because I was able to somehow dissociate from the sex drive. Yes, I was sexually frustrated, but didn't view the solution as "find gratification elsewhere." Rather, I was annoyed with the sex drive itself and sought to eliminate it. It was, after all, not part of my identity.

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Hi Plix,

Yes, my gender therapist knows about the castration. I explained to her the post-castration changes which let me know I was TS. She hasn't commented about it yet in the context of transition.

Something comforting: Sister now understands from my psychiatrist that the castration was needed and effective for dealing with the sexual addictive thoughts. Both have been looking at my past behavior with an eye toward 'impulsivity.' They wondered whether castration was impulsive/rash. Sounds like my 'radical' decision for castration has been vindicated.

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ADDENDUM: (Sure am glad for this outlet! Helps me think.)

As you recall, my sister would like me to find other accommodations by the end of August. While praying about where in the USA to live, it occurred to me: jobs aren't a life-and-death matter; nor are any of the other of the usual criteria for selecting a future home. What is a life-and-death matter is transition. I need to ensure a successful transition. My life is riding on it. So that will be the overriding factor in deciding where to live. Guess it's something to discuss with my therapist.

Something comforting in this respect: The same day my sister gave me the Aug. 31st deadline for moving out, saw this message on a church sign during my evening walk:

Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.

- Joshua 1:9

It was salve to my soul.

Terri