Late onset (yet always there)

[plix (imported)]

Wow! I am so happy for you! Since you have had this move planned you seem so much happier. In talking to you over the phone, I could easily tell the difference in your voice. The past times we spoke you sounded distant and depressed, but there was only joy in the voice I heard a few nights ago.

I am glad you made it safely to Philly. You have your entire new life ahead of you now, and I am sure you will enjoy every minute of it. Sure, there will still be struggles, but you will be your true self, and that is what counts.

From what I hear you are going to pass fine, and that is a definite plus

Let me know about August 4th when you get a chance.

[lindaleah (imported)]

Hello Terri

Hope I didn't rain on your parade in an earlier post. It was just my thinking and I do support others views. Just want to wish you the best on your journey and sorry for the pain. Just remember at worst when a child turns 18 they get to choose who they will see.

Lindaleah

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

"How did things go with the psychiatrist?"

Pretty well, but he's a poker face, so I really can't tell yet. The discussion went all over place and lasted 1.75 hours. All he recommended for now is weekly counseling. (Good! No meds! My sister stated ahead of time that in order for me to stay at her place, I'd have to submit to any recommended care/meds.) His main concern at this point was how recent the suicidal thoughts were, combined with all the life changes I'm undergoing (job loss, marriage breakup, move, etc.).

* * *

Been wavering on transition:

- Learned that electrolysis is more like $8000, not $1500, and takes two years. (Yikes!) Not only that, the pain of each follicle dying is likened to a bee sting. (Double yikes!) Gee, why not just volunteer for torture?

- My dad is encouraging me to get more testing to see whether the marriage could survive after all: "Maybe it's just a chemical imbalance." With that, denial sprouts once more and I think maybe I could return to a semblance of my former life.

So I negotiate with the dysphoria, looking for alternatives to transition.

Feeling angry again that I'm TS. Losing home life and son as a result. Not because of transition, but for merely being TS. It does leak out: my sister pointed out my female mannerisms (hands and facial expressions) to the psychiatrist.

The anger as well as the apprehension at transition make me wonder once more: "What is my gender identity?" But there's little question when I realize I don't even want to present as an obvious male anymore. No longer parting my hair and combing it across. Instead, I'm wearing it down in the front.

Instead of obsessing about the decision (i.e., transition), think I'll just start on electrolysis as an investment. There's certainly no risk getting rid of throat hair; would also like to get rid of nipple hair before the breasts become tender from hormones. Also, I'll be making appointments with a gender expert or two soon. Can't wait to see how that goes. Looks like the Philly area has good resources.

* * *

Here's a bright spot: my parents and siblings are all accepting of the TSism, and some have expressed support for transition if I decide to go that way. (Transition isn't a big issue yet since I told the family I hadn't firmly decided just yet. As the above paragraphs demonstrate, I do waver.)

Terri

[plix (imported)]

Many TSs go through periods of wavering. I went through those periods all the time, and I still do. I know that if I thought transition could work out in my life, I would do it in a second. I would strongly encourage you that if you truly are female and you truly think you can succeed at transitioning that you not deny yourself this opportunity.

Of course you always have the option of changing your mind, whether you don't think you are female, you don't think transition is your best option, or even if you want to but just decide not to. I am glad you are seeking help from a gender therapist because this person will have met many before you who went through the same things and will know how to help you. Don't be afraid to tell this gender therapist everything you are feeling.

Chances are that the therapist will not approve hormones for you until you are 100% sure you are female and that you want to transition. Don't rush this. It is very important to be absolutely sure because as you know some parts of transition are irreversible.

Laser is an alternative to electro for many, but keep in mind that it is not always permanent and does not work for all hair and skin types. Laser will not work well for me because of my red hair. A consultation with a laser hair removalist would be good if you are interested in this method.

[lindaleah (imported)]

Dear Terri

I know everyone's situation is different so take this for what it's worth to you.

It took me 40 years of marriage to arrive at were I am today. If GID acceptance was were it is today 40 years ago I would probably have been in your shoes then. I am fairly sure we would not have survived as a couple if I had come out then. My wife was extremely religious (talk about dysfunctional religions hers was Christian Scientist) (and I was relatively religious also) She and I dumped all religions when our kids turned to drugs. Praying didn't do a damn thing!! Tough love and reality did.

We have 3 kids (now in their 30's) and all three suffered from our lack of parenting skills and most likely my GID (well hidden until kids left home). I really feel they would have been way better off if I'd not been such a martyr about my GID. The only family member I have come out to so far is my wife about 15 years ago. No acceptance at first but has grown a lot in last few years, as have I.

I don't know where my journey will take me but I know I must pursue it for me. If I sacrifice myself for others ideas of what I should be, every one of us will lose. If a person has cancer and ignores it and he dies what good does that do? Certainly your children will be mad at you for not taking care of yourself and most likely all around you would be mad as well. AND YOU WILL BE DEAD and as I have stated before think of all the FUN you will miss. And Maybe JUST Maybe you will get to see you son sooner than his 18 birthday. BUT THEN IF YOU'RE DEAD THAT CAN'T HAPPEN!!! If you ignore who you really are it could be like a cancer and kill you!! DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN!! You are too valuable of a person. Love yourself as you would love others.

Remember don't listen to anyone who wants to make you believe the way they do!! That includes me. If religion works for you go for it.

I really care (even if we don't see eye to eye on Religion)

Lindaleah

P.S. My therapist says hormones are a way to help decide if you have GID and are female or not. If you are male they will not bring the psychological change you want. But if you are female it would and that would be another confirmation that you are female!

[bryan (imported)]

We have 3 kids (now in their 30's) and all three suffered from our lack of parenting skills and most likely my GID (well hidden until kids left home). I really feel they would have been way better off if I'd not been such a martyr about my GID.

...

P.S. My therapist says hormones are a way to help decide if you have GID and are female or not. If you are male they will not bring the psychological change you want. But if you are female it would and that would be another confirmation that you are female!

Linda Leah,

Thanks for mentioning your kids. I wonder about my boy and what ill effects my parenting (and repressed GID) could have on him. My wife went thru a notebook my son and I use for a drawing game and she said, "Oh! The pain and thoughts of death are so evident. I let things go too long! I should have taken steps a year ago."

Regarding hormones: Think I've passed the hormone test already. Have embraced every change from castration. Although progesterone would help me sleep better, I refrain since it lowers estrogen production and I feel kind of dead/wooden as a result. I like my brain on estrogen. Estrogen also appears to have improved my piano-playing: more creative and expressive. Recently got compliments from wife and sister.

* * *

ADDENDUM: Two memories:

1. In sixth grade, two boys made fun of how I walked: too much "butt wiggle" for a boy. (Their observation was probably correct. So, how many times did people refrain from saying anything?)

2. Around the same time, would have preferred carrying books the girl way (clutched against chest); the boy way (carried low against the hip) wasn't comfortable and it was easy for books to slip out.

As part of my newfound freedom, picked up some TG books: "True Selves" and "Gender Outlaw."

At dinner last week, Christina had a nice way to describe the realization one is cross-gendered: "The sleeper awakened" (from Frank Herbert's Dune). Another way to describe it:

epiphany: A comprehension or perception of reality by means of a sudden intuitive realization. Once you realize the problem, there's no going back to the old way of thinking. And after the epiphany, there's the question of what to do about it: squash the female or nurture the female? I'm now able to see it makes perfect sense to nurture the female.

I miss my boy.

MORE ADDENDUM: Just finished talking with my oldest brother. He mentioned that a gay friend back in high school stated "some femininity entered the room" whenever I showed up.

A rebuttal to ones like my wife who think I should undergo "reparative therapy" to restore my "damaged male identity": What would you expect to see in the case of a damaged male identity? Areas of dysfunction, certainly, and maybe some dissociation from maleness. But you wouldn't expect to see such a full female identity show up (maternal desires, altered sexual orientation, mannerisms, etc.). In other words, you would see DAMAGE. The female emerging doesn't seem to be damaged; just needs to shake off a few remaining male ways. Like my signature says, "Healthy baby girl..."

Terri

[Mac (imported)]

Dear Terri,

It would be nice if your wife could find it in her heart to be open and accepting of your femininity. Best wishes for you.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Just got back from my first electrolysis session. The woman is older, TG-friendly, and pleasant to be with. Cost: $65/hr. Had her work on nipple hair. Figured it would be best to get that out of the way before tenderness develops from hormones someday. Pain was reasonably low except for some occasional doozies. Didn't use any medication.

Got appointments with two different gender therapists. First one is on Wednesday; the local Renaissance group meets in her building.

Had my second session with the psychiatrist. He's expressed some concern that mania or bipolar stuff may be involved. Not as an explanation for the gender problems but as an accompanying condition that may have to be addressed for a successful transition. I beg to differ for now. I think anyone who has been in the "pressure cooker" of repressed TSism would show symptoms of mental distress.

That's all for now,

Terri

[lilac (imported)]

Hi Terri, I wanted to let everyone know that it was wonderful to meet you. Christina and I have met a few people here so far. Now I myself see some female features in your face. I think you are going to do just fine. But as you know it takes time and patients. I think that won't be a problem for you. We had a very nice time having dinner with you and talking. Can't wait to see the changes that you will go thru. I am very happy for you and glad you have done what you had to do to be who you were meant to be.

Love, Lilac

[plix (imported)]

So, after you've been through your first electro session, is it really as bad as you feared? I didn't think so on my first time, which was on my neck. I later found out that this electrologist (who was not TG-experienced) always started in one of the least painful areas so as to not scare people away. It got worse. Much worse. I ended up having to cut the sessions down to a half hour because I couldn't take it for an hour.

Not trying to scare you away, just wanting to share my own experiences with it. You may want to look into a topical anesthetic which you can get over the counter or prescribed. The prescribed probably works better.

I personally would not bother with nipple hair because not only do many women have it, but also I have noticed some change in it since castration and estrogen. Your money would probably be better invested at this point in face work at least until you see what hormones will do for you.

But that's just my opinion; you certainly don't have to take it Different people have different priorities, and for some getting rid of body hair entirely is important.

I am so glad to see you making progress