Late onset (yet always there)

[Mac (imported)]

Hi all,

........

Wife and I just had a discussion. (NOTE: She doesn't know of the transition decision yet. She and her mom are holding out hope the marriage can be saved thru separation.) She challenged me about my plan to seek out gender therapists regardless of whether they are Christian or not. (Competent gender therapists are rare enough, but to find a Christian one supportive of transition? I won't hold my breath.) I didn't have a good response. Didn't want to spill the beans about transition at this fragile time. Something her mom suggested, and now makes sense to wife: I've never grown up. Yes, that would explain some things, particularly the things in the above paragraph. She said my relationship to our boy is that of a 'playmate.' In any case, our cover story will be that I've got emotional problems stemming from childhood, and it's not far from the truth.

.......

TerriSorry to hear of your wife's decision not to support you. It would have been better for you if you could have had the support of her and your son. Not everyone is blessed with a spouse like EricaAnn. May God be with you during this time of great need. Please keep us posted.

[bryan (imported)]

ADDENDUM: Wife came in for more discussion. The more she examines my past behavior, the more she does see an emotional immaturity in me, a personality that never grew up. I have to agree. We speculated it may have to do with my father. He related to me as a "father" but not as a friend. I don't recall playful conversations without agendas; there was certainly an emotional distace. I burst into tears, wearily saying, "I'm not going to analyze it. I don't need ANOTHER problem to analyze." Anyway, it will be part of the discussion when I see the psychologist next week.

Contrary to my words, pondered emotional immaturity over lunch. You know what? Whereas my wife was hoping it was the cause of my cross-gendering, it seems to be the result instead. I didn't have roles to aspire to. In college when you are supposed to be making plans for the future, I remember tweezing nipple hairs; I was concerned about the appearance of my breasts, tiny as they were. Just as TGs can be disappointed by wrong-gender birthday/Christmas gifts, maybe I didn't see a male role worth aspiring to. I could be married to my friend, but wasn't a traditional husband or "head of household." Didn't see myself as a father-type, coach, manager/executive, community pillar, etc.

Wife was questioning (searchingly, not angrily) whether I ever had what it takes to be a father to our boy. He's had a playmate these 6 years but has lacked a true father. In-laws have noticed I'm not a disciplinarian. I nurture him verbally during inside play and conversations, but still haven't taught him (stretched him) to ride a two-wheeler. His throwing and catching skills are undeveloped. When I realized all this, started sobbing. After all, just how many ways can I be a failure?!

Both wife and I are questioning whether I 'd be able to take our boy out of young childhood. A boy is supposed to migrate from mother to father at some point, but I'm just his playmate. Maybe the timing of my "crash" fits into the wisdom and timing of God.

Terri

* * *

MORE ADDENDUM: But this is real hard. As wife and I go thru assets, we are remembering the Lord's words in Malachi: "I HATE DIVORCE." I've hated divorce all my years as a Christian, how it leaves the woman alone to cry, rejected. Sucky, fickle men leaving their wives. Yet what can I do? No wonder I was praying for death. Wife angrily jumped up and down on wedding dress and threw it in the garbage, saying, "No, I DON'T believe God ever brought us together!" This is all so very hard, and I'm the cause of it. As a female inside, I hate to be causing this much distress to a mother and child.

My mom is taking wife's side and telling me not to do anything 'irrational' (i.e., transition). Makes me realize how much I value her approval. She wondered if there'd be value in having my father talk to me, but that was a non-starter. (He doesn't know about any of this, including the castration.)

[daddyboo (imported)]

I am so glad that you have a religious preference and believe this to help guide you in your journey. But at the same time I also do remember that religious discussions on this board are unwanted by the moderater. Telling your story seems to be a wonderful thing and having a religious preference seems all that much more to help you but please tone down the discussion of religion here. I'm really glad you are searching for answers here

[Uncle Flo (imported)]

Terri, I can't imagine you to be the "cause" of all this distress. That's just not the person you are. The situation is causing everyone to feel pained. Try to think of it as one more of the trials of life we all have to endure in one way or another. Do care about yourself. We care about you. --FLO--

[plix (imported)]

Uncle Flo said it all. It is this situation rather than you that is causing everyone's distress. Transition is difficult for everyone involved. It can be just as difficult or even more for the transitioning person's loved ones as it is for the transitioner herself. My grandmother was in tears on the phone when I told her of my desires. My 10 year-old sister did the same. My relationship with my brother has never been the same since I told him what I wanted. I knew what I had to lose going into this, and I did lose some of what I knew I could but not everything. But for everyone there comes a time in life when her own desires must take priority over the desires of those around her. You still are in a position when you could probably reconcile with your wife and have everything back the way it was. But is that what you want? Is this the time in your life when what you want is what you should do? Answer those questions according to what you feel is right and what you feel God wants you to do.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Lots of turmoil. Upshot is I'm packing today and rolling out of town tomorrow (July 15th!) for my sister's place in Philadelphia. The point of contention is my insistence on being female inside combined with refusing reparative therapy to "correct" it.

The climax to it all was a question wife asked, not unlike one of the COGIATI questions: "If the Lord were standing here, ready to make you a content male, would you accept that gift?" I had to think long and hard, and asked for exact wording. That response in itself was sufficient to tell wife what she needed to know.

As I struggled with that question in prayer later, I sensed the Lord saying, "Are you not happy with how I made you?" (meaning female inside). "Oh, Lord! Yes -- I like the way you made me!"

My mom is upset. She wants me to "get help" (in the form of psychiatric medications). She asked my wife if there is some way to commit me to a hospital ward. Wife confessed she would have conspired to do just that if it were possible nowadays. I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP. Get me outta here now!

Didn't sleep much last night, as you can imagine. Thoughts of my .22 rifle in the bedroom closet came to mind. But what a pitiful suicide weapon! Regardless, I just wanted to take it outside (unloaded) and smash it on the concrete driveway so it couldn't tempt anymore. Then I remembered: mother-in-law keeps a loaded handgun in her room, "and she's gone tonight..." I was still in our bedroom when wife heard my distress and asked what was the matter. She promptly hid the guns.

I say good-bye to my boy today. Shocks don't get much bigger than this. All he will know is "Daddy has something like leprosy inside his mind. Remember how lepers used to have to stay away from everyone else? He has to go away because he's become hard to live with. He's going to consult with doctors who will try to make him better. Remember Terry the Robot who lost an arm but Wally the Robotmaker didn't bother to fix him? (Refers to one of our improvised bedtime stories.) I'm like Terry. I need healing and it hasn't come yet."

Probably won't be online again until Tuesday. Inquiring minds want to know: Do I hope to die on the highway? Am I still praying for death? No on both counts. Death would be okay, but I am looking forward to this new adventure which will make me whole. I expect to enjoy the trip.

Terri (the Robot )

[plix (imported)]

It seems like this is all happening so suddenly. I remember when not long ago you were saying no major life changes until after the 15th. And now you have some pretty big ones happening right now. But even though I worry about you, I also am very excited for you and the fact that you might finally have a chance to let the real you live.

I wish you a safe journey to Philly, and please update as soon as you can. I am going to be worried until I hear from you Please call me as soon as you have a chance also (at the new number). I really want to hear from you and know that you are ok.

[EricaAnn (imported)]

My dearest Terri

Good luck and God's speed on your journey to Philly. I know this whole thing with the wife, pending divorce, the separation from your son and all the other stuff you've been through has been extremely difficult, but you're now on your way Girl!

In response to your most recent post, if our Lord made the same offer to me, I'd have to turn him down. I'm happy with who I am and what I want to be, which as you know, is not MALE!

I'm with Plix. I'll be thinking about you while you're on the road. Please drive carefully and take good care of yourself. We all love you!

Please post when you arrive in Philly or give me a quick call. You have my number and I would love to hear from you.

L & R

[bryan (imported)]

ADDENDUM: Just said good-bye to my boy. He did well. Glad for that. It will sink in later, no doubt. Of course, gender issues weren't taking a holiday. As I looked at the women present and a make-up purse on the coffee table, I thought, "Is that what this is all about? So I can dress, have long hair, and play with make-up?" No, that's not my first pick. Keeping the family together would be my preference. But high-intensity TSism is like a train you can't get off, or like someone is holding a gun to your head. You learn what you're willing to do to survive -- since suicide is against the rules.

Did some crying/howling after the good-bye. Wife and her sister heard. To help her comprehend the depth of GID pain, shared with wife that's how it is around here sometimes when I'm alone.

Think we can say Terri has had a nervous breakdown. Now that I've told my employer I'm quitting, I see the need to have time off. Also, I look at this large property we live on (mother-in-law's); it's too much responsibility for me. If I ever return to this house, others will speak in hushed tones at gatherings, "Remember, now -- he had that nervous breakdown. So if he isn't the life of the party and has to be by himself, that's okay."

Had to laugh/roll-eyes each time my employer spoke about "transition plans" (i.e., how to shift my responsibilities to others). All they know is I've been suffering from "emotional problems stemming from stress, leading to depression."

Sorry to write so much! (Not trying to write a book -- honest!) Feel like I'm going into this process (i.e., transition) kicking and screaming. Had a special time around the lunch table today: wife, mother-in-law, and wife's sister. After enough chit-chat, I mentioned the elephant in the room. It was a good time of sharing with tears, though gender was avoided since wife's sister isn't privvy to that aspect. Was more at the level of "Bryan has had a nervous breakdown." Toward the end, asked the three pray over me. It was a "wet" time. Something I prayed aloud with transition in mind:

"Lord -- I feel like a child on a gurney being rolled into the hospital asking, 'Is this going to hurt? Do I really have to go thru it?'"

Terri

P.S. -- Not sure when I'll be leaving yet. Might be Monday. I'll keep you posted.

[bryan (imported)]

ADDENDUM #2:

TRANSITION -- It's sinking in.

Just had a time of bawling matching the intensity of the bawling in post 12

(http://www.eunuch.org/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=

50254&postcount=12) of this thread. Whereas post 12 contained deep hurt and disappointment, these were tears/howls of RELIEF and UTTER JOY:

I'VE WANTED THIS FOR SO LONG!

I'VE WANTED THIS FOR SOOOO LONG!

(since age 5)

Was checking facial features this evening to see whether surgery will be needed. Don't know enough to tell. Also, hard to tell with the beard; its days are numbered. Probably will go at the first hotel on the way to Philly.

While contemplating this huge change, the Lord has been bringing a Steven Curtis Chapman song to mind ("I Will Be Here"):

Just as sure as seasons were made for change

Our lifetimes were made for these years

And you can cry on my shoulder

When the mirror tells us we're older

I will hold you

And I will be here

To watch you grow in beauty

And tell you all the things you are to me

All the lines above are meaningful, but the bolded one is particularly reassuring. Yes, my nascent female ego is wondering if I'll look nice. But it's bittersweet because I won't be around for my wife. And, actually, the bawling started over her future (I'm sad for her).

Only natural to try fitting TSism into God's scheme of things. After all, it seems like an intentional act if a female soul is attached to the chromosomes of a boy. (Just my humble opinion.) In that case, TSism is the human analogue of metamorphasis from caterpillar to butterfly. (Applies to TS genitalia as well. Told someone on another board: "The ugly caterpillar will turn into a beautiful butterfly. Don't cut it off!")

It's obvious I'm in the honeymoon phase of transition. Time for bed.

Terri