Late onset (yet always there)

[farharbour (imported)]

Hi all,

Monday's diary entry ended rather cynically. Let's have a grand recap:

1. This WHOLE experience has exposed my heart: I've always wanted to be a girl. The discovery has been bittersweet. The bright spot is my destiny appears to have changed for the better, since the revelation has allowed me to express my deepest wishes to the Father above (and heard back!). Thus, I fully expect a female appearance and role in Heaven.

2. The gulf between gender-dysphoric and gender-content people is too great to find agreement within conservative Christian circles. Merely expressing a TG identity will make one a leper or worse. That is sad.

3. Progesterone is useful as an estrogen inhibitor. Is your body producing too much estrogen? Dab on some progesterone cream. Don't use it continuously or you may get PMS.

4. The change in hormones resulting from castration turned me into a wacky, hard-to-live-with person. Little did I realize my gender identity is unstable. "No HRT" is no longer an option; I need some sort of supplements in order to function. DHEA and progesterone are the answer for now.

5. Who is the real me? It appears hormones play a tremendous role in defining who we are.

Some lingering questions:

a. If my body was producing enough estrogen to make me wacky with maternal desires, why no breast development? Maybe the E-level wasn't really out of hand?? Was it a deficit of some other hormone? Makes my brain hurt trying to figure out hormones.

b. Was the original crisis (gender shift of Oct-Nov 2004) brought on hormone imbalances/deficits? Mr. T suggested that earlier in this thread. Who knows?

c. Have I been "healed" of GID? I don't feel any different. Too soon to say. At least I've found a combination of drugs/supplements which ameliorate the problem. If I don't take progesterone, the girlish feelings return. There's also a part of me which doesn't want to apply progesterone at that point. Suppose you could say my GID is treatable by drugs.

My wife was comparing the last 8 months to a Job experience. I had to agree, but didn't state why. Job experienced rejection from his close friends who were sure he had great sin to repent of.

A touching moment on Sunday: A visiting preacher asked, "Ever do something for God and have it not turn out as expected?" Yes. I embarked on castration hoping to merely get rid of libido and paraphilias, with Matthew 5:29-30 as a significant part of my motivation. After all, I want to see God. Never expected all that followed. Yet, "we know that all things work together for good to those who love God" (Romans 8:28). The experience has only deepened my faith, but it was certainly rough-going.

And I'm sure the story isn't over yet.

Bryan

What a deep and thoguhtful series of posts..

[EricaAnn (imported)]

Dear Bryan,

Peace be with you and may you find the peace and tranquility you have sought for so long and so richly deserve. I sincerely hope that your decision will be the best for you, your wife and son.

As you have come to know, gender identity is not an easy thing for some of us, especially when you mix in the "hormone factor". For someone like myself, I have known since my earliest memories that I am a girl, even when my testosterone levels were that of a normal male. So, while hormones do play a role, I feel that the gender identity issue runs much deeper.

Stay in touch and please continue to share with us your thoughts and feelings as you embark on this new path in your life.

All my love,

[bryan (imported)]

Hi everyone,

Been reading more about transsexualism. Here's an ego booster:

http://transsexual.org/What.html

Several interesting physical and mental indications have been statistically shown to occur in relation to transsexuality. One factor is intelligence, the transsexual is on average two standard deviations in intellect greater than the base population, and one standard deviation higher than those defined as homosexual. This probability of high intelligence is currently not explained, though there are suggestions that it may be the result of the unique and somewhat mixed brain 'wiring' of the transsexual, who may benefit from a combination of male and female structures or functions.

Another curious correlation is creativity, transsexuals tend to possess a high degree of artistic and general creative ability.

Here's another quote which rings true for me:

http://www.gendertrust.org.uk/php/showa ... php?aid=28

As the decades pass, anxiety and depression place an ever growing burden on life. Typically, life stagnates and becomes something to endure. Some people turn to drugs and alcohol to mollify the pain. When that too becomes intolerable, thoughts of suicide creep in and it all too often becomes the solution of choice.

Yesterday, since the depression is still bad, was about to get my prescription for Effexor filled. Got scared away again by the side effects and withdrawl effects.

Instead, I'm trying an over-the-counter supplement called 5-HTP (5-Hydroxtryptophan), a natural remedy for depression. Whereas SSRIs boost the serotonin level in the brain by keeping existing serotonin in circulation longer, 5-HTP boosts serotonin level by providing more raw material for serotonin production. A nice side effect is appetite suppression.

* * *

Erica,

I envy those of you who are transitioning. I also envy you who have known with certainty from a young age that you are female. (But I also acknowledge you have had to deal with the pain of GID longer.) It's been less clear for me and don't know what to do to alleviate the pain.

Is my not transitioning the best decision for my family? I feel like a hypocrite. Although I profess faithfulness to the marriage vow, I'm waiting for "till death do us part." How faithful is that, really?

I currently lack the "spark" which makes a person enjoy life and want to live. Transition would bring back the spark, but would also destroy much in the process. I truly don't know what is best.

My life is in a holding pattern until July 15th. (See March 20th diary entry for an explanation --

http://www.eunuch.org/vbulletin/show

post.php?p=52931&postcount=41 )

I have an appointment with a Christian psychologist a few days later. He's affiliated with a United Methodist university, and UMs are known to be more liberal these days. Not that I'm looking for "permission"; just looking for an objective professional opinion.

Terri

[BudleyBare (imported)]

...

Is my not transitioning the best decision for my family? I feel like a hypocrite. Although I profess faithfulness to the marriage vow, I'm waiting for "till death do us part."....

Bryan/Terry/Terri,

I have long ago learned that one cannot be true to anyone else, nor to any principle, nor any commitment, unless and until one is true to one's inner self. I suspect from your "I feel like a hypocrite" comment, that you already know this.

I recommend that you re-look at your situation from the perspective of some disinterested third party while silently chanting a mantra of "the truth shall set you free". 'You' in this context, I submit, is not just one person, but a larger all inclusive YOU.

I feel like I am on really dangerous ground here, but am compelled to feedback to you what I hear you saying.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

While reading at BeginningLife.com, came across a thought-provoking thread (http://beginninglife.com/newforum/index ... e1ac8b15ae) about how TSs finally came to the point of transition. A recurring pattern was long-term denial and [finally] self-acknowledgement: "When I came out to myself..." Yes, the first person a TS has to come out to is self.

That's worth repeating: The first person a transsexual has to come out to is self. I hadn't reached that point until responding to Plix early in this thread (9/28/2005), and was shaky from the realization:

http://www.eunuch.org/vbulletin/show

post.php?p=49901&postcount=3

Beginning to wonder if the gender shift of Oct-Nov 2004 was my "late-in-life TS crisis point." Didn't recognize it as such at the time, although my paper diary of the time cites possible TSism as the underlying cause of the stubborn paraphilias. Never mentioned TSism in my diary before that. Started calling the whole thing my BIG FAT PROBLEM -- which continues today. Footnote: In hindsight, I should have had my hormone levels checked when I started identifying with females. Not that I regret castration, but it would be helpful to know to what extent hormones played a role. Some late-life TSs experience a spontaneous shift in their hormones.

Hard to tell I'm not considering transition: checking hips in the mirror, trying a higher voice, experimenting with hair. Still got the beard (per wife's wishes) so can't tell whether my face could pass.

Terri

* * *

ADDENDUM: As you know, I'm not very secure in my identification as a TS. Still collecting evidence, trying to assess the degree. Latest bits of evidence:

(1) An earlier diary entry says, "I became fed up with being male..." However, certified males don't become fed up with being male, do they? But a TS? Yes, makes sense. I remember my male pride vanishing with the gender shift before castration.

(2) Around age 12, I recall my mom having some cold cream containing estrogen which I wanted to surreptitiously use on my chest (for breast development). Not sure why I didn't follow thru. Maybe I was afraid she'd notice a quantity missing. And maybe I was scared of "overnight" results which would be hard to explain. (You know how a child's imagination works!) Back then, didn't realize how long breast development takes.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

RANDOM THOUGHTS

There are moments which tease or mock us as transsexuals. My boy and I were at a playground Sunday. At one point, I felt a coolness on one of my nipples and wondered [hopefully], "Am I lactating?" OHHH! Such PATHETIC hopes! No, it was just a drop of sweat. As the disappointment washed over me, my boy asked why I was getting "emotional."

Accidentally cut my hair too short on Saturday. Was horrified! A dumb mistake for a male, but a crushing mistake for a TS. Had to hold back the tears while asking my wife for suggestions for how to correct things.

Lately, whenever I encounter or use the word "transition" in everyday communication, there's a mental gasp/pause.

BACK TO THE THERAPIST'S COUCH

As you know, I have been puzzling over my TS condition, trying to assess prior evidence and degree. While looking at some TV/TS classifications (Benjamin (http://www.genderpsychology.org/transse ... in_gd.html) and Watson (http://www.genderpsychology.org/transsexual/watson.html)), was struck by the high-intensity TS: "Despises his male sex organs. Danger of suicide or self-mutilation, if too long frustrated." That was ME after the Oct-Nov 2004 gender shift!

TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION

Think what you want about this next section, but I've been open and honest throughout this diary. Won't hold back now. These are the sincere thoughts of a TS patient.

The change was so dramatic when the gender shift occurred! Previous attempts to explain my present TS condition have been unsatisfactory. So I'm going to try yet another frame of mind. Let's assume a supernatural agent changed my gender during Oct-Nov 2004.

The obvious question: Who was the supernatural agent? Either God or Satan, if we approach this from a Christian perspective. But you know what? It really doesn't matter. Even Bible authors had a hard time figuring out agents sometimes; compare the two passages where King David decides to take a census of fighting men:

Again the anger of the LORD burned against Israel and he incited David against them...

- 2 Samuel 24:1

Satan rose up against Israel and incited David...

- 1 Chronicles 21:1

So I'm not going to obsess over WHO switched my gender. Each had reason to:

- Afflicting someone with intense TSism is no less than an attempt to destroy them or their ministry (i.e., suicide/divorce/transition).

- I suffered from 3-day "waves" of addictive sexual thoughts periodically: a wave would strike and I'd fight. Thinking I had the upper hand, I'd turn out to be wrong. After a struggle (and some failure), the wave would end, usually via fasting. And I'd never know when the next wave would strike. Wanted the appetites which led to these waves GONE. Held onto Matthew 5:6: "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be filled." In retrospect, I had a very mild degree of TSism, it was probably the main source of my problems, and it was impossible to remove it.

The gender shift only increased my problems (in the short term). With no prior history of such things, started strangling my male equipment and tried every means I could think of to diminish/disable it (various improvised clips, cable-ties, shoelaces, tubes, Krazy glue, coat hangers, rubber bands, cloth tape, etc.) I had even improvised a burdizzo clamp with vise-grip pliers (http://www.eunuch.org/vbulletin/showpos ... ostcount=3). In addition to all that, I was identifying with females and fantasizing a female role during masturbation. Yup, a high-intensity TS!

Castration was necessary and provided some relief -- just as hormone therapy helps a high-intensity TS.

So where does that leave me? During this journey, I have been surprised at the completeness of the gender change (feeling female, unconscious change in mannerisms, 92% feminine on a gender test, maternal desires). No wonder I get depressed when the female is repressed -- IT'S ME!

Useful yardstick from Jesus: "You shall judge a tree by its fruit." My thought-life is clean now, but it's been a struggle just to live: suicidal thoughts, depression, marriage difficulties, lower productivity at work. Is that good fruit or bad? A mix, definitely.

It would remain a puzzle if not for the church experience on October 2nd, when the Lord accepted my offer of working

in Heaven's nursery for aborted

children. He accepts me as a female. I like to think He was behind the gender shift, considering how complete it was. (He does good work, you know! ) The marriage problems (and succeeding depression) didn't begin until I revealed the TSism to my wife in early October 2005.

This all sounds so bizarre. But every other explanation is equally unsatisfactory. I had gone from being a low-intensity, non-practicing TV to a high-intensity TS overnight.

CONCLUSION (for now )

Being female suits me. It was my preference going back to childhood. Being male presented sexual/moral problems which I couldn't overcome. In my present state, sexual problems aren't an issue at all. Because it appears my gender was changed supernaturally and since God has accepted me in my new gender, I'm going to accept myself as a female. Self-acceptance has been part of the struggle thoughout this ordeal: I like being female, but am I in this position legitimately? If not, it could be taken from me. (You could say I like the disease more than the cure.) Besides, self-acceptance as a TS is incredibly hard! How many times does a TS have to come out to self before denial is truly gone, never rising again?

Still want to be faithful to my family. God will have to show me how to live (if He doesn't take me soon).

So then, those who suffer according to God's will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good.

- 1 Peter 4:19

Terri

[plix (imported)]

I am glad to see that even though you struggle, you are still managing to make it through each day. There was once a time when I was in your position, wanting to kill myself if I couldn't be female, so I do have an idea of where you are coming from. And I didn't even believe in God at the time, so I pretty much had no one. I am doing better now because I believe I have resolved what I need to do for myself, and I think there will come a time when you reach a resolution of your own, be it whatever it may, and find similar peace.

There are times when I regret what I have done to myself so far, but I now recognize all of it as a necessary part of what was meant to be for me. God has plans for each of us, plans designed uniquely for our individual selves from the beginning of time. It is possible to stray from the plan and follow plans of our own, but usually we find that sticking to God's plan makes things so much easier. I don't know what God's plan is for you, and you probably don't either right now. I do believe God intends for some people to transition and for others not to. If God wants you to transition, you'll be led to do so when the time is right and given everything you need to see it through. If not, God will provide a way for you to live your life and again give you everything you need to see it through.

There can also be times when we can't tell whether certain circumstances in our lives are part of God's plan or ours. It is in those cases that we should pray and ask him. I truly believe in my heart that God intended for me to be castrated, whatever his reason for it may have been. I also believe that he does not intend for me to go further at this time. At the time of the castration I would not necessarily have believed it was part of God's plan, but that was before certain things that have happened over the past year happened. You seem to have a strong faith in God, and this can get you through anything you might be dealing with. Don't be afraid to ask God for as much help as you need. He will take care of you.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Was a bit weepy this morning. Just so tired of trying to figure out this thing.

Has the new frame of mind been helpful? Yes, to an extent. The helpful part has been seeing I was high-intensity TS before castration; whether the origin was supernatural is moot. The onset was so rapid, it caught this patient by surprise. So rapid, I didn't have time to realize my gender identity had flipped. Consequently, I dealt with the problems as though I were a male whose libido went berserk. Castration was the obvious solution. Because of the subsequent hormonal changes, it's been difficult assessing the actual degree of TSism.

If I were to tell my wife I became a high-intensity TS at the time of the gender shift, the marriage would be over. She figures I didn't become weird until after the hormonal changes of castration. But the weirdness began with the gender shift. She can't hack the thought of being married to a female (regardless of the male packaging). So I have been quiet; have been since May 31st. I'm pretending to be "mostly-male inside" for her sake. For instance, if she compliments a driving maneuver, I say, "It comes with having an 'M' on the birth certificate." How long can I live this dual life? (At this, the readers say in unison, "Welcome to the realities of GID, Terri. We've been living the lie a lot longer than you!") Knowing how open and honest I am as a person, the present situation doesn't look maintainable.

Had a dream two nights ago where I was sitting on the floor sorting thru possessions (like in a divorce?). There was a lot of "change" (coins) on the floor. Was discarding old "masculine" wall decorations, bending/mangling them in the process. A little later, was trying to avoid groups of people (family? church?). Later in the dream, went flying and had no effort gaining altitude. On my way upward, successfully avoided two separate bundles of overhead wires (of the railroad/telegraph sort), then ran into a third bundle but wasn't hurt and was able to continue onward.

I suppose we can make our preferences known to God. Transition would not be good for me. Too many temptations if I became post-op. Yet I can't see life going on status quo. We aren't allowed to take our own lives, but we can indicate to God what we imagine to be best. Under the circumstances, an early death seems like a good solution.

Terri

P.S. -- Thanks Plix for your sweet response.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

There's a TG movie on Lifetime channel tonight. Here's the press release:

“A GIRL LIKE ME: The Gwen Araujo Story” -- premieres Monday, June 19 at 9PM (ET/PT) –Based on a true story, the Lifetime Original Movie follows Sylvia Guerrero (Mercedes Ruehl, “Married to the Mob”), a single mother whose teenager (J.D. Pardo, “American Dreams”), born Eddie Araujo, boldly decides to live life as a female by growing long hair, wearing women’s clothing and make-up and eventually adopting the name Gwen, after her idol, singer Gwen Stefani. Her difficult decision creates tension and conflict within her traditional close-knit Latino family but over time, they slowly learn to understand and accept Gwen’s choice. When Gwen’s transgender status is discovered by four males at a local party, they brutally beat and kill her. Gwen’s senseless murder shakes her Northern California community and makes headlines across the nation. Sylvia decides to dedicate her life to bringing her daughter’s killers to justice and advocating for the rights of all transgender people. The LOM also stars Lupe Ontiveros (“Desperate Housewives,” “Selena”). Produced by Braun Entertainment Group and Sony Pictures Television and co-executive produced by attorney Gloria Allred, who represented the family during the murder trial.

If you aren't able to watch tonight, it comes on again Sunday at 7pm.

* * *

Think the Lord is starting to deal with my desire to die. Woke up yesterday with the Green Day song "Wake Me Up When September Ends" running thru my mind. Figured the Lord may be speaking thru it, so looked up the lyrics. The lyrics didn't mean much on their own, so delved further. Turns out Billie Joe Armstrong wrote the lyrics from the pain of losing his father at age 10:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wake_Me_Up ... ember_Ends

In this melancholy ballad, Billie Joe...takes a trip back to his painful childhood and thinks about the day he lost his innocence when his father died. Like many faced with such a traumatic event, Billie Joe never truly recovered, and he can't believe that twenty years have passed since the day. As Armstrong associates pain with the month September, the death month of his father, he would rather not deal with anything related to the month...

Guess the Lord wants me to consider the impact my death would have on our 6yo son. By inference, the Lord is saying I have more years to live. That's a bit disappointing, but I know He's with me.

Terri

[plix (imported)]

I taped the movie so I hope to have a chance to watch it soon

All you really can do in a situation like this is make the best of it. That's what I've learned over these past few months. There are still times when I wish I were a girl, but I have accepted that's not what is meant to be for me and I am working looking at the good that is in my life. And the more I look, the more I realize there is a lot more than I previously thought.

When you spend your time focusing on the positive, you don't tend to be as bothered by the negative. No matter how bad things are, there is always at least a little bit of good that you can reach out and grasp. You have a lot of family here, including me . I love you and want to see you succeed, and I know that can and will happen someday.