Late onset (yet always there)

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

I'll see a Christian medical doctor tomorrow. He's a family friend and could be likened to an Old Testament seer. When my wife was single, she saw this doctor complaining of really poor sleep (e.g., sleeping in 5-minute snatches). He gave some sort of physical diagnosis but added, "I think the problem is spiritual. There's something you're not giving over to the Lord." My wife accepted the physical diagnosis, but in her thoughts said, "Mind your own beeswax!" Indeed, she felt the Lord calling her to fulltime missions, but wanted a husband first as part of the deal. The tug-of-war had led to poor sleep.

Before the physical exam begins, I'm going to ask the doctor to "give me a reading" first, i.e., pray over me and see what the Lord reveals to him.

Also got an appointment with a Christian psychologist for July 18-19. I'm not too excited.

Sisters: Ever feel like a leper? I can't believe the lack of acceptance for a TG identity. We're not talking transition -- merely the state of being. When it's discussed at home, it's always with the interest of locating a "cure" (a cure, not surprisingly, that involves changing the INSIDE, not the OUTSIDE).

As a computer programmer, I work with a variety of personnel databases. You know what? It pains me (mildly) when I look at the gender field and see 'F' or 'female' selected. The 'F' had started bothering me even before castration (but after the gender shift).

Terri

[Leona Lee (imported)]

Hi Bryan/ Terri! I never was a cross-dresser and although I dressed more male I was starting to look like a female in male clothes. People just commented on how good I looked. I have not taken any estrogen for over a year and my testosterone is about 700 now. my natural estrogen is nearly 200. I am glad to have natural levels now, I think I'm very stable emotionally. The longing for female is still there but pushed back. My focus is more on others and Christ than myself. As long as I keep my eyes on my Savior instead of myself, I do well. When I see happy females, enjoying life and being girl, it tugs at my heart and I love them all so much. I realise I was created a male and I try to accept that.

With Gods help is the only way I can exist. My Wife and family are now very happy with me and I've taken my place in society as a person with understanding and no judgements. My heart is heavy knowing the struggles we have but once we've learned to accept ourselves, maybe we can be productive and helpful to others. The world does not revolve around me.

All the Best, Leona

[plix (imported)]

I still would strongly recommend you consider a non-Christian professional. You will likely find it very difficult to find someone who is on your side among Christian professionals (i.e., those who make their beliefs a fundamental part of their practic). If for some reason the wife won't let you see a non-Christian, perhaps you could consider doing so in secret, if you were willing. I just think you will feel so much better to have someone to talk to who is willing to help you explore your identity rather than squash it from the start. I personally believe that God created you exactly the way he intended, and if a transsexual struggle is part of his plan for you, that's exactly what he had in store for you right from the start.

[EricaAnn (imported)]

Dear Terri,

I fully agree with plix's advise on seeking help from someone outside of the "faith based community". I really feel that you are more likely to find assistance from someone who is willing to help you explore these matters rather than to discourage you before you can really find yourself and work theses issues through. There are a lot of good people out there. Please seek out one that you feel comfortable with and not necessarily based on the recommendation of your wife.

While I agree with Leona Lee that the world does not revolve around any one of us, our individual lives and beings do. If we can't feel good about ourselves how can we be any good to and for others?

[BudleyBare (imported)]

My heart really goes out to you, and I hope you eventually achieve the peace that is God's good pleasure to make available to you. I have not responded previously to this thread because I don't know how to help you. But your postings keep pulling at my heart, and so I just want you to know that I believe that if you listen to that inner voice within you (that is God's voice talking to you), you will achieve the peace and happiness that is yours.

Consider your names as used here on this web site: Bryan (a male name), going to Terry (typically male name), going to Terri (typically a female variation. And then your posting:

Just had a time of bawling and howling as I struggled to voice what I know in my heart:

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A GIRL!

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A GIRL!

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A GIRL!

It huuuurrts!.......

tells me that you know what to do, but that something is holding you back. Are you able to articlulate what is holding you back, what is the barrier between you and the happiness you deserve?

The above said with nothing but total love in my heart for you.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

A tale...full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

- Macbeth (Act 5, Scene 5)

The above quote describes my struggles over the last 8 months. Been hard to know what to make of it all.

Didn't get "blind" reading from medical doctor as hoped. As things turned out, an assistant saw me. The assistant then explained things to the doctor before I saw him for prayer. He gave me an absolute tongue lashing! I'll spare you the details lest I hurt my TG sisters.

Glad I saw the assistant first. She appears familiar with gender dysphoria because she didn't bat an eyelash. Instead, she quickly responded, "Where's your pain?" One of the things she pointed out is my body is still pumping out estrogen and that's been affecting me internally. She prescribed an anti-depressant, Effexor. (Haven't gotten any yet. The side effects, not to mention withdrawl effects, are scary.)

The tongue-lashing from the doctor left me feeling like banishment (=divorce) would be best. Indeed, in discussions that night, wife asked me to leave in two months. Felt acute rejection. Felt confused. Felt horribly misunderstood.

***

Rejection from wife and doctor browbeat/cornered me into considering testosterone. Figured an anti-depressant wouldn't help gender identity. Wife is embarrassed by "sissy-priss" husband. Even the doctor in the short visit observed, "Your mannerisms are all different." Figured T would restore manly mannerisms. Main goal is to preserve marriage to give our boy a two-parent household.

The late-night concession to use T went a long way with my wife. We also had a time of prayer, asking God to undo the gender shift in order for me to tolerate T again. We also asked the Lord to remove anything unclean. The time was special, and the power of the Spirit was present as evidenced by wife speaking in tongues.

Next day, found out how expensive "apply as needed" versions of T are ($3-6/day). Wife and I are cheapskates. And I can't stand the thought of monthly injections; if I started having a bad reaction emotionally, I'd want the stuff out of my system immediately. So I'm trying a cheap substitute which Phil/philip1 is using: DHEA. I'm relieved T isn't in the picture.

Since excess-estrogen is a problem, I looked into E inhibitors, also known as aromatase inhibitors. (By the way, anyone considering castration should get a degree in endocrinology! ) Fortunately, progesterone is an E inhibitor, preventing the body from producing more E. You could say P sponges up E. My problem with P previously is I took regular doses, as though I had to keep my P-level up, and ended up giving myself a continuous case of PMS. But now I know to take P only when my E-level is up, as evidenced by crying easily, deeper emotions, and/or girlish feelings.

Have had very little sleep over the last four or five days. Was fasting some as well, and that knocked my system out of balance. Last night's sleep was okay.

* * *

Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls;

all your waves and breakers have swept over me.

-Psalm 42:7

The acute rejection still exists in the sense that my gender struggles will be considered acceptable ("healed") by those around me only when I think becoming a female would be repulsive. Well, just read my diary -- that's never going to happen. I was privately thinking the only place for solace and acceptance on these matters is in the Lord. You know what?! Not more than 30 minutes later, in another special time of prayer with my wife, she spoke in tongues and then interpreted, "The Lord shall be your hiding place. He shall be your refuge." It was one of those "deep calls to deep" experiences where the human channel doesn't know the true import of what is being conveyed. You would not believe how comforted I felt! Incredible!

* * *

Over the last 24 hours, been feeling "even keel": not particularly depressed, emotions aren't out of hand. Gender is in the middle -- neither male nor female. Dysphoria is low. Still looking forward to death since life is such a struggle.

Bryan

P.S. Haven't forgotten my hopes for Heaven, but will have to be silent about such things in this household for they will never be accepted. The submarine captain shouts, "DIVE! DIVE!" This part of Bryan is going to have to submerge.

Terri

ADDENDUM: Getting back to the quote from Shakespeare which started this post ("sound and fury, signifying nothing"): Have the last 8 months just been a meaningless, hormone-induced nightmare? I was ready to kill myself. Mr. Penis would have been gone by now if not for the cost. Transition seemed inescapable at times. Marriage was about to end. Been thru counseling, and revealed these matters to close family/friends... Are humans such slaves to hormones? So what if I'm enjoying a moment of peace now -- when will hormones make me unstable again?

[Leona Lee (imported)]

Well, sounds like you have a decission to make. Be careful, this is forever. You are in crisis mode, I was right where you are in Dec.04. I'll pray, Leona

Hi all,

Plix, Erica, and Budley: Thanks for responding. Wrote this before seeing your posts. I'll respond later.

The above quote describes my struggles over the last 8 months. Been hard to know what to make of it all.

Didn't get "blind" reading from medical doctor as hoped. As things turned out, an assistant saw me. The assistant then explained things to the doctor before I saw him for prayer. He gave me an absolute tongue lashing! I'll spare you the details lest I hurt my TG sisters.

Glad I saw the assistant first. She appears familiar with gender dysphoria because she didn't bat an eyelash. Instead, she quickly responded, "Where's your pain?" One of the things she pointed out is my body is still pumping out estrogen and that's been affecting me internally. She prescribed an anti-depressant, Effexor. (Haven't gotten any yet. The side effects, not to mention withdrawl effects, are scary.)

The tongue-lashing from the doctor left me feeling like banishment (=divorce) would be best. Indeed, in discussions that night, wife asked me to leave in two months. Felt acute rejection. Felt confused. Felt horribly misunderstood.

***

Rejection from wife and doctor browbeat/cornered me into considering testosterone. Figured an anti-depressant wouldn't help gender identity. Wife is embarrassed by "sissy-priss" husband. Even the doctor in the short visit observed, "Your mannerisms are all different." Figured T would restore manly mannerisms. Main goal is to preserve marriage to give our boy a two-parent household.

The late-night concession to use T went a long way with my wife. We also had a time of prayer, asking God to undo the gender shift in order for me to tolerate T again. We also asked the Lord to remove anything unclean. The time was special, and the power of the Spirit was present as evidenced by wife speaking in tongues.

Next day, found out how expensive "apply as needed" versions of T are ($3-6/day). Wife and I are cheapskates. And I can't stand the thought of monthly injections; if I started having a bad reaction emotionally, I'd want the stuff out of my system immediately. So I'm trying a cheap substitute which Phil/philip1 is using: DHEA. I'm relieved T isn't in the picture.

Since excess-estrogen is a problem, I looked into E inhibitors, also known as aromatase inhibitors. (By the way, anyone considering castration should get a degree in endocrinology! ) Fortunately, progesterone is an E inhibitor, preventing the body from producing more E. You could say P sponges up E. My problem with P previously is I took regular doses, as though I had to keep my P-level up, and ended up giving myself a continuous case of PMS. But now I know to take P only when my E-level is up, as evidenced by crying easily, deeper emotions, and/or girlish feelings.

Have had very little sleep over the last four or five days. Was fasting some as well, and that knocked my system out of balance. Last night's sleep was okay.

* * *

The acute rejection still exists in the sense that my gender struggles will be considered acceptable ("healed") by those around me only when I think becoming a female would be repulsive. Well, just read my diary -- that's never going to happen. I was privately thinking the only place for solace and acceptance on these matters is in the Lord. You know what?! Not more than 30 minutes later, in another special time of prayer with my wife, she spoke in tongues and then interpreted, "The Lord shall be your hiding place. He shall be your refuge." It was one of those "deep calls to deep" experiences where the human channel doesn't know the true import of what is being conveyed. You would not believe how comforted I felt! Incredible!

* * *

Over the last 24 hours, been feeling "even keel": not particularly depressed, emotions aren't out of hand. Gender is in the middle -- neither male nor female. Dysphoria is low. Still looking forward to death since life is such a struggle.

Bryan

P.S. Haven't forgotten my hopes for Heaven, but will have to be silent about such things in this household for they will never be accepted. The submarine captain shouts, "DIVE! DIVE!" This part of Bryan is going to have to submerge.

Terri

ADDENDUM: Getting back to the quote from Shakespeare which started this post ("sound and fury, signifying nothing"): Have the last 8 months just been a meaningless, hormone-induced nightmare? I was ready to kill myself. Mr. Penis would have been gone by now if not for the cost. Transition seemed inescapable at times. Marriage was about to end. Been thru counseling, and revealed these matters to close family/friends... Are humans such slaves to hormones? So what if I'm enjoying a moment of peace now -- when will hormones make me unstable again?

Leona

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Monday's diary entry ended rather cynically. Let's have a grand recap:

1. This WHOLE experience has exposed my heart: I've always wanted to be a girl. The discovery has been bittersweet. The bright spot is my destiny appears to have changed for the better, since the revelation has allowed me to express my deepest wishes to the Father above (and heard back!). Thus, I fully expect a female appearance and role in Heaven.

2. The gulf between gender-dysphoric and gender-content people is too great to find agreement within conservative Christian circles. Merely expressing a TG identity will make one a leper or worse. That is sad.

3. Progesterone is useful as an estrogen inhibitor. Is your body producing too much estrogen? Dab on some progesterone cream. Don't use it continuously or you may get PMS.

4. The change in hormones resulting from castration turned me into a wacky, hard-to-live-with person. Little did I realize my gender identity is unstable. "No HRT" is no longer an option; I need some sort of supplements in order to function. DHEA and progesterone are the answer for now.

5. Who is the real me? It appears hormones play a tremendous role in defining who we are.

Some lingering questions:

a. If my body was producing enough estrogen to make me wacky with maternal desires, why no breast development? Maybe the E-level wasn't really out of hand?? Was it a deficit of some other hormone? Makes my brain hurt trying to figure out hormones.

b. Was the original crisis (gender shift of Oct-Nov 2004) brought on hormone imbalances/deficits? Mr. T suggested that earlier in this thread. Who knows?

c. Have I been "healed" of GID? I don't feel any different. Too soon to say. At least I've found a combination of drugs/supplements which ameliorate the problem. If I don't take progesterone, the girlish feelings return. There's also a part of me which doesn't want to apply progesterone at that point. Suppose you could say my GID is treatable by drugs.

My wife was comparing the last 8 months to a Job experience. I had to agree, but didn't state why. Job experienced rejection from his close friends who were sure he had great sin to repent of.

A touching moment on Sunday: A visiting preacher asked, "Ever do something for God and have it not turn out as expected?" Yes. I embarked on castration hoping to merely get rid of libido and paraphilias, with Matthew 5:29-30 as a significant part of my motivation. After all, I want to see God. Never expected all that followed. Yet, "we know that all things work together for good to those who love God" (Romans 8:28). The experience has only deepened my faith, but it was certainly rough-going.

And I'm sure the story isn't over yet.

Bryan

[BudleyBare (imported)]

Bryan, I fail to find appropriate words to express how relieved I am to read your latest posting. It does sound as if you are now beginning to move toward that inner peace that is yours for the accepting.

I was struck by how lucid your writing was. The logic, and even the ordering or sequencing of each of the numbered and lettered items also spoke volumes to me, strongly suggesting you're getting through this.

And I do agree that there will be more "stuf" (meaning the four letter version of stuff, if you get my drift; say it in a low, gutteral tone; that is a Bud'ism) ahead of you.

With love,

Bud

[mrt (imported)]

I don't want to get too far into it but from my personal experience hormones have an ability to influence me in a unblieveably powerfull way. In my case that period of low testosterone was a nightmare. I was an angry SOB, my memory was shot to hell. I didn't have the ability to make a decision or get anything done. My sex drive was M.I.A. and my personal life suffered. I had some strange feelings, weird stuff going on with my body. HRT for me made my life turn around. It went from bad to pretty great.

I think your right about progesterone. It will control an estrogen dominated body if applied inthe right amounts at the right time. DHEA is a precursor for Testosterone. If your trying to dial that up I think this will help. And regardless of what your doing gender wise remember that "some" testosterone is normal for both. Take that away 100% and your not going to be as functional. And I don't mean any disrepect to those trying to become testosterone free here on the archive.

I strongly recommend you ask your Doctor about regular blood testing and work with her/him to get you into the normal range for what your trying to do. Once you start working with hormones you need to take care of yourself. Have a yearly physical with a PSA blood test, liver function (If you take any hormones in pill form) and a digital rectal exam to insure your not growing any cancer.

I'm glad to hear your finding some peace my friend!