Late onset (yet always there)

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Never mentioned this before:

I swam at public pools a lot as a child and recall being grossed out in the men's locker room seeing mature genitals (hair and all). Can anyone identify with that? I'm wondering if that's a normal boy response or more of a TG response. Don't recall similar feelings in women's locker rooms, though I believe I caught a glimpse.

* * *

Erica,

Thank you so much for speaking up!

Your words came at the right time and were soothing.

I too have prayed many long hours over this matter and repeatedly the only answer

I get back from Him is "I made you and I love you".

Speaking of prayer: when I ask the Lord, "What am I?", the response is "A child of God." No gender clue, for good or ill.

One of my hopes with this diary is that my heart could speak to others' hearts. TG issues don't come up in everyday conversation (THAT'S an understatement!), and people don't even bare their souls completely in sheltered situations such as therapist offices. Christians are even less willing to lower the mask lest they "lose their witness." Your response lets me know heart is speaking to heart.

Thanks for the hugs!

* * *

Plix,

For clarification, here's how I'm using the word identify (from an online dictionary):

Identify: To associate or affiliate (oneself) closely with a person or group. In this sense, identify suggests a psychological empathy with the feelings or experiences of another person.

Regarding identification, here's something I noticed mainly after castration. While watching dramas, I was putting myself in the shoes of female characters instead of males. This w

as a departure from the past and was jarring at first.

Having a female gender identity is about much more than having feminine traits or preferring to talk to women over men. It's simply who you are, regardless of any of your characteristics or circumstances in your life. Regardless of how you look, dress, who you're attracted to, how emotional you are, how compassionate you are, or

anything else, you just know inside you are female.

That knowledge is something I lack; hence I'm gender confused. I can't honestly say I'm male or female; it would take a psychologist to assess my present gender identity. One thing I do know: When praying about whether to put the female in me to death, I end up saying, "But that's ME..." That sort of identity-crisis didn't happen when I started strangling Mr. Penis and disassociating from manhood.

Love you.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

You know how people sometimes say, "That's YOU! That suits you." They may say it after you try on an outfit, or see you in a particular photo. Or you may be in a particular situation and you feel you've "hit your stride." For TGs, hormonal changes is one of the things which lets us see what really suits us. Witness this post four months after my castration:

http://www.eunuch.org/vbulletin/show

post.php?p=47787&postcount=7

Speaking as a castrate with no plans for HRT, I'm enjoying the ride. Emotions are more intense.

My mother said I was 'sensitive' as a child, and I feel like I'm REDISCOVERING WHO I WAS before T came on the scene. I identify with women now more than men. ('Those brutes!' ) Stories of sexual abuse tear at me like never before. Tears come, and that's okay since I've stepped out of my narrowly-defined male role (internally, at least).

Some of the changes are downright amusing, like heightened concern about appearance. One day, I wanted to wear my wife's shorts just because the color looked so nice and would go well with my shirt.

Depression? Haven't seen any yet (but YMWV). Instead, the JOY OF LIFE has returned. My closest bout with depression was in the five months PRECEDING castration when I was trying to strangle the male equipment. It helps that nearly every effect of castration is welcome to me. Impotence? Bring it on! Hot flashes? A reminder of my new state ('It's REAL!') and I get to identify with the ladies. Possible breast development? A bit embarrassing in public, yet I'm hoping for some.

So -- all I'm saying is: there are times when we get an opportunity to see the REAL us, where we can say, "This really suits me." Lack of testosterone did it for me.

Regarding confusion over gender: Wonder if I've been going about this the wrong way. Been assuming I started life with a male identity (albeit soft), something dramatic/traumatic happened (gender shift of Oct-Nov 2004), and my gender identity transformed to female. When I use this approach, there's still cognitive dissonance and I'm miserable/depressed. Still hard to believe a thing like gender identity could change. Taking Erica Ann's words to heart, maybe I have been female all along. Going to see if that frame of mind fits better.

That gets me wondering: What would it be like for a female identity to start life in a male body? What 'symptoms' would we see? How long would it take the female to figure out the problem? What sort of stresses would it cause? [NOTE: These aren't rhetorical questions. Feel free to add your opinions/experience to this thread.] While studying language development in children, I was surprised to learn that young children in international situations may play together for as long as a week before figuring out their playmate is using a different language. (Has nothing to do with gender issues. Just saying identification of problems may occur much later than we imagine.)

Terri

* * *

ADDENDUM: Already have started feeling a little glow or spark of life inside me with the new mindset (i.e., female since birth). After all, it means so much when the female side is affirmed. A pizza cashier maam'd me accidentally yesterday and it was pleasant enough. I wondered, not too seriously, "Am I putting off an aura??" Maybe my post-castration depression has been from repressing/denying the female...

Continuing that thought, when did depression actually enter the picture? After all, castration didn't cause my depression -- I was skipping! Confusion was certainly a problem at the end of September 2005 when full-blown TS-ism showed up, but not depression/despair. Here are the depression low points:

- Dec 2005: Realized it was going to be a struggle to maintain status quo.

- March 2006: Realized I secretly do want to transition but can't (without losing my family and ministry).

- May 2006: Crisis assumed existential proportions: if the longing to be female isn't fulfilled SOMEDAY, then I'd rather not exist.

So maybe my depression isn't so much about the female identity itself as it is about repression of the identity with no opportunities for expression.

[vapi (imported)]

MAybe you'll find my comments a bit sarcastic or arrogant, but they're definitely not thought as such.

Could it be that you identify as what female think, not as how female look ? So ultimately, you do not adhere to the way males are positioned in your society, and not to the fact that you're a male yourself.

Just to try to get you an idea of what I'm tryign to explain here, have you travelled a bit around the globe and seen of the relations between males and females are different, even more how the roles of males and females in society are different ?

Even when looking at the "civilized" countries, there are striving differences, and I would personnally not live in the USA, where males are painted as what you call 'the brutes'. Say, over here in France, crying, being sensitive, even wearing pink, is not seen as goign toward the female side, rather as having feelings, overall being human. Of course, too much of that is too male, so to some extent the issue is still the same, but there is a visible difference.

Completely the opposite, but even more striving is Japan, where crying is out of question, and smiling after a defeat is even worse for a male, where it doesn't make a difference for a female.

And then China, where nobody is supposed to cry anyway.

So maybe it's just that you don't really identify in your society ?

[bryan (imported)]

...

Could it be that you identify as what female think, not as how female look ? So ultimately, you do not adhere to the way males are positioned in your society...Have you travelled a bit around the globe and seen of the relations between males and females are different, even more how the roles of males and females in society are different?...

So maybe it's just that you don't really identify in your society?

To the reader: Today's diary activity starts with post #62. Be sure to go back.

vapi,

Good question. No, I don't consider your remarks arrogant or sarcastic. Hadn't considered the cultural aspect of gender issues at all.

No, it's not a matter of culture in my case. I want the "full package": body, clothes, role, appearance. I want to be female regardless of what it means in whichever culture. So I'm not looking for freedom to break out of a cultural stereotype; I want to be female, to be able to check 'F' instead of 'M' on forms.

Terri

[EricaAnn (imported)]

Dear Terri,

I'm so happy for you after reading you're latest postings. Girl, I really feel that you are on the verge of a great break though in your life and I'm glad you're beginning to feel better about yourself.

You, through your own experiences over the past few years, have answered your own questions on how it feels for a female to be trapped in the wrong gender existence, but in response to your questions, I can only relate to you my own experiences.

Like many of us, I knew from a very early age that I wasn't like the other little boys and that there was something different about me that prevented me from fully relating to them. My very first friend was a little girl by the name of Cathy who lived next door. We got along great. I could jump rope and play hopscotch with the best of girls. Had fights with my Mother at 2, 3 and 4 years old about my first haircut and the little boy clothes she wanted to dress me in.

As the years went by I finally started to realize who I really was and am. The resulting internal conflict went on for many years resulting in anger, frustration, hostility and depression. Why do you think that people like us have such a high suicide rate?

But maybe that wasn't all bad. Because when I just couldn't handle it alone anymore is what caused me to turn to our Lord for help and help He did, but that's a whole other story for a different time.

I also agree with you that it's not a matter of not identifying with the male role that society has cast, but rather a longing to identify with the gender that we really are.

Terri, please keep thinking along your current mindset and keep that little glow alive within you. The light that it will bring to your heart, mind and soul will soon help you understand your internal struggles and more importantly, will bring you the peace you have so long sought.

Love,

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

As you recall, I've been trying a new mindset -- that I've been a female since birth. Seemed farfetched and even expressed that to the Lord, but pondered it nonetheless (with no other leads to follow). After 48 hours, the idea doesn't seem so farfetched. In examining my personal history, the evidence is inconclusive for either gender, but there are some peculiarities which would be explained well by a cross-gender identity.

Some of the evidence considered: I really liked my nextdoor friend, Martha Lynn (during ages 3-4). Preferred her over male friends of the time. My dad steered me away from dolls; I think a cherished stuffed Santa Claus was a substitute. How did a female identity show up after castration? Gender identities don't just *poof* into existence, and I'm still not convinced gender identity can change. Gender identity can be occluded/eclipsed, however; I think puberty's testosterone overshadowed the female in me. If I'm male, how come I look upon my years of T with such regret and consider it to be poison?

It is intriguing to think about cross-gendering. Attentive parents will attempt to steer a child toward gender-appropriate behaviors, and a docile eager-to-please child may do okay, especially if he/she is adaptable (thinking of myself). I know my dad did some steering, so some evidence which would otherwise help my search has essentially been tampered with.

Last night (long before the 4am conversation), I was feeling really messed up. After all, regardless whether I'm male or female inside, I'm messed up bigtime. Since gender is such a big component of what it means to be human, just makes me want to retire from existence. I did well in school, but can't even figure out my gender! Go figure. Maybe attentive parents who steer their children really aren't helping them.

Erica: Thanks for the encouragement, and thanks for adding your experience to this thread.

Terri

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Disaster has struck. The marriage is disintegrating. As part of our discussions, told her why I haven't attempted any lovemaking (i.e., would have a lesbian feel). Guess that cements in her mind how big the problem is and she feels she no longer has a husband: "I will not be married to a female." The only way for the marriage to survive is for me to recover the mantle of manhood and not want to be female inside. Not gonna happen.

So it's probably a lost cause. We are talking separation already. Told her we shouldn't make any situation changes until after July 15th, with my death being the hoped-for solution. You know what? She agrees my death is the best solution. So we were able to pray in agreement this morning -- can you believe that?

She and her mom want me to see a doctor to get on anti-depressants. Wife says my depression is throwing her into depression, and she doesn't want to fall apart. However, I know the reason for my depression: repression of the female. Told her my spirits rise when the female is affirmed, and drop when the female is denied. One of the reasons I stopped progesterone is it felt like shackles were going on with each dose.

Thought I was being a good partner with my wife by not acting on the desire to be female. So when I tell my wife I feel female inside, why is it such a big deal to her? After all, someone could say they felt like a walrus inside; but as long as they earned a living and did their part raising a child, what's there to complain about? The words fall heavily upon her, though, because I'm apparently demonstrating "sissy-priss" behavior. So the words confirm her observations.

Thanks for listening,

Terri

[Uncle Flo (imported)]

Terri; Your latest post is difficult to read. Reality can sometimes be like that. I don't see where you have given up on yourself throughout this ordeal, so there is hope for you to reconcile how you percieve yourself with how others have seen you in the past. Unfortunately, there are some who will not be able to give up what they think you should be regardless of what you truely are. Sorry it's not going well. Be strong. --FLO--

[Leona Lee (imported)]

Hi Bryan! I was watching LOGO channel yesterday[opposite sex]. It seems that we all go through this same pattern. Some of us that are young and not so connected with others do better in this realm of disphoria. But older folk's with wives and families and friends, hobbies, church, and businesses, have a very heartbreaking future. It seems that either we leave it all or seek a way to cope or transition back. I'm doing well transitioning back but not of my own doing. I've had lots of help and understanding. If I continued to transition, it would be extremely self-centered and I just can't do that. We all must find our own way and I would expect my longing to be female will always be in my soul but must try with Gods help to press-on towards the person He wishes me to be. This is difficult and hurtful to write but maybe it will be helpful knowing you are diffinately not alone.Hugs, Leona

[bryan (imported)]

Dear Diary,

Trying to lay things out concretely:

1. Through whatever means, I have a feminine personality / female identity. To deny it or repress it leads to despondency. It's not mere preference but an existential issue. Therefore, I am unwilling to change.

2. Wife is hurt. Desires to shelter son from my weirdness. Wants her "man" back.

3. Wife believes female personality/identity is from Satan, and considers me in league with him by holding onto female identity.

4. I consider female personality to be congruent with my future, getting a body and role to go with it in Heaven. Obviously, I don't view it as being from Satan. Rather, I feel God's encouragement through the hard times and believe I am being a good husband and father, considering the circumstances. Therefore, we have a fundamental spiritual disagreement.

5. As long as we live together, wife will make me feel like an unrepentant fiend, as though I am blind spiritually.

6. The consequent dissonance in our views will tear at my insides and drive me insane. I suppose the depression is an early symptom.

* * *

Hi all,

Had a dream last night: Was in son's playroom and noticed half the ceiling had fallen, and the rest was very weak. When I remembered the dream, just started howling in grief. His pleasant world is going to receive an abrupt shock.

Would you believe I'm actually feeling peaceful? I thank the Lord for an extra measure of His "peace during the storm."

Spoke with wife. Apparently, the biggest problem in her mind is my low opinion of males. She's afraid that will affect our boy, so she is seeking to insulate him from me. She also feels unloved.

Wife spoke with my mom. Wife agreed to no separation until we see how an anti-depressant works. I'll be meeting with a Christian psychologist.

You're going to get a some Bible teaching today as a bonus. Is my female identity sin? Is my hope to be female in Heaven sin?

"...and everything that does not come from faith is sin" (Romans 14:23).

"...fight the good fight, holding onto faith and a good conscience (1 Timothy 1:18:19).

"Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God and receive from Him anything we ask, because we obey His commands and do what pleases Him (1 John 3:21-22).

What I'm leading up to is this: A good way to tell whether something is sin is whether you can ask God -- with a clear conscience -- to grant it. I'm able to earnestly, tearfully ask God to make me a female in Heaven. No guilt. I've realized the longing is deeper than I can stand. I don't want the longing taken away, and I don't want to be made a content male in Heaven because I don't feel male. (Guess that's what Plix is talking about in post #59: "

you just know inside you are female.

") I've just got an affinity for females (pride?). Besides -- aren't we allowed to express our deepest wishes to our Heavenly Father and let HIM decide what's good and acceptable? If God can make the universe out of nothing and resurrect immortal bodies from dust (mending handicaps in the process), seems like changing sex would be a small matter.

Sorry for venting. Feeling very misunderstood.

Also, sorry to write so much, but much is happening.

May this diary prove helpful in your own TG struggles, and provide commiseration in your pain,

Terri

P.S. -- Thanks for your wor

ds of comfort, Uncle Flo.

P.P.S. -- Dear Leona,

...This is diffic

ult and hurtful to write but maybe it will be helpful...

I understand what you are saying ("Faithful are the wounds of a friend.") But here's the problem: I am not transitioning. What bothers my wife is the personality/identity itself. I call it female; she doesn't consider it so. The personality isn't put-on, it's not an affect. It resulted from castration, something embarked on out of agreement with Matt. 5:29-30, and which was necessary to conquer high libido (in the form of addictive sexual thoughts). I'm not asking her to call me 'Terri'. I'm not dressing up. No estrogen. The only action I've taken is trimming (not shaving) body hair because it's repulsive. I can't transition back because I never transitioned in the first place.