Late onset (yet always there)

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

This is probably the most difficult post I've written. Where to begin?

Feel like I'm in a vise. Can't move, can't do a thing, and the pressure hurts. Can't transition, can't commit suicide, and am having trouble functioning in daily life.

I've lost hope for this life. Dread the thought of living 20 more years.

(Sorry EA. Guess I'm not a castration success story. But I was a mess before castration, as soon as the gender shift occurred.)

My wife has been after me to use allergy medicine since I sound congested much of the time. Finally told her yesterday, "It's not allergies. It's from all the crying." Broke down in front of her, so we had a long talk. Told her I feel mentally ill. Among other things, she's concerned I won't be a good father figure, plus I've already failed as a disciplinarian (pre-castration). The upshot is we decided to see a Christian counselor in order to get me help.

(Things I didn't tell her: I daydream about transitioning, and daydream about death. When I catch myself, the tears come.)

Already regretting the idea of a counselor. No doubt, the counselor will recommend HRT, and I CAN'T STAND the thought of testosterone (erections, libido, masturbation, etc.). I won't take it. Not expecting to find any understanding. The gender shift was real, and my more-feminine personality is not pretend. I like it, feel it's the real me, and am not going to try to recover lost masculinity.

Prayers for death have shifted into high gear. Sensed the date "July 15th" in prayer. Indeed, that would enable me to finish an important responsibility at work. (I'm the sole support for a support-hungry application which will be retired in June.) It will also give me time to get my house in order. So I have hope again -- hope that I won't have to endure this uncomfortable existence much longer.

Where are my priorities? Salvation is all important. I am clean now. I have had lots of sexual baggage. It took a gender shift and castration, but it's all gone. I won't ever take testosterone. I don't want unsavory appetites to return.

An analogy: When is fruit harvested? When it is ripe. Wait too long, and it will rot on the vine. Well, I feel like I am ripe spiritually. I am clean. But if I'm not harvested soon, I fear bad things will happen: separation/divorce and who knows what else?

However, the Lord may use this for something else. When my dad was teaching me how to swim, he'd say, "You only have to swim this far to me." Then when my head was under water, he'd move further away. (You know how that goes.) So maybe the Lord is giving me a short-term goal to live for. Time will tell. I prefer the death route.

Do not look upon me, for what you see is passing.

The person inside cannot be seen.

She hurts, for no one can see her. No one talks to her.

They pretend she doesn't exist.

She wants to speak. But she must remain a secret.

Stifling her, the rest is mute.

Why speak of daily pleasantries when the heart is dying --

When death is considered friend?

"He has a vile disease," they say, "and cannot be a father."

But a parent? Yes, a loving one.

"His boy will catch what he has got..."

And mourn the tragedy of war, of rape,

and all the awful things that are done.

The following verse has been ringing in my spirit lately:

Do not gloat over me, my enemy.

Though I have fallen, I will rise.

Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light.

- Micah 7:8

Terri

[Uncle Flo (imported)]

Terri--- Not a success story? Perhaps. But it is reality. You have moved your life along the path you need to follow. You mean harm to no one. Your faith sends a strong message to yourself and others. You are not running from your responsibilities. You are willing to help others learn from your experience. You only want to be who you truely are. A time of trials? Certainly. A failure? Not by any means. You are a valuable person. --FLO--

[bryan (imported)]

Uncle Flo,

Thanks for your kind words. I'm lapping up whatever encouragement comes my way these days.

* * *

Hi all,

Was going to renege on the idea of seeing a counselor, but the issue has taken on BIG proportions. Wife said: "See a counselor or there's no hope for us." MIL is on wife's side.

What hurts most is wife doesn't accept the gender shift. She believes it was from Satan. I've considered the possibility and analyzed it to no end (as you readers well know) but I see good fruit. The heart I have now is one I can live with for eternity; this body is quite temporary. Seems like it's okay for people to dream about being anything they want to be in Heaven -- as long as it doesn't cross gender boundaries. Why is that?

Anyway, sent an e-mail to the counseling department of the Christian organization I work for. No idea what's going to come of it. Validation? Chastisement? Helpful coping advice? Referral? Pink slip?

Terri

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

A wave of hope has come over me in prayer. It goes back to Oct. 2nd when I received assurance I'd be female in Heaven, taking care of aborted babies:

http://www.eunuch.org/vbulletin/show

post.php?p=50163&postcount=9

At church yesterday, felt God telling me to go forward during a special time of prayer and annointing with oil. As the pastor came to me, he recited the one verse I've been clinging to after offering my services in Heaven's nursery: "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart" (Psalm 37:4). Wow! God accepted my offer! The pastor also said, "You are precious in His sight. He will not forsake you." Assurance/acceptance! Later, as the service was winding up, the pastor said he felt prompted to share some verses for "someone in the congregation," and each was a fit for my situation. I eagerly wrote each down. He even said, "Be glad O barren woman, ... for more are the children of the barren woman than the one who has a husband" (Isaiah 54

). I was EUPHORIC...

One thing that God stresses in His word is He is absolutely dependable. The experience in church on Oct. 2nd goes beyond coincidence and must be from Him. For me to doubt now would be lack of faith. It's not presumption on my part, because I didn't even know why He wanted me to go forward that day. He caught me by surprise.

SO -- getting this straight: I will be female in Heaven, taking care of children. Thru the gender shift and consequent castration, God has been preparing my heart for eternity.

THEREFORE, I'm not going to mess with His work. I'm not going to try to alter my personality toward the male side in order to suit others. It's "okay" to remain the person I am inside, just the way God recently made me. Putting this in computer terms, HEART V7.0 is better than HEART V4.3 and there's no reason to go back to the old version.

Maybe this can give hope to the rest of you who are TG. God is not against a gender shift. People wish for a lot of things in Heaven. When is one better qualified to choose a gender than after a lifetime on Earth? If you can wait till then, I recommend you wait since the results will be better. I say that in all seriousness. I cry nearly every day because I'm not a genetic female.

Remind me of this post on one of my down days, okay?

WOO-HOO!

Terri

EDITED TO ADD: Cried for a long time late last night. However, this time the tears were ones of relief and thankfulness that the conflict between the inner and outer me WILL be resolved someday. Even in the way I prefer! All the longing and dysphoria will go away. Yippee!

Are you wondering where the name "Terri" come from? "Terry" is my middle name. Just took liberties with the spelling. The name sure fits (=teary).

[bryan (imported)]

Just a short note to say I'll be offline for a few days. Will be travelling to the home office for counseling. I'm happy the counselor assigned to me is female, since I'd expect a female to be more understanding. Was told our counseling office doesn't have much experience in these matters (not surprising). Won't be back online until Wednesday, March 29th.

Supposedly it's all confidential so my job isn't necessarily at risk.

* * *

Well, I have more time, so here are some thoughts from the day.

Occurred to me today how seemingly unimportant my relationships were at high school (all male) compared to grade school (mixed). Was thrilled to go to an 8th-grade reunion several years ago, but have no interest in high-school reunions. After all, I didn't form significant relationships at high school except with a few. At the 8th-grade reunion, I caught up with as many females as males, if not more. Why mention this? Just looking for evidence that I've been messed-up genderwise for a long time.

Seems like I've always a female component in my personality. It was a minority component, but a resilient one. It never went away, and is now longing for fulfillment. It wants expression.

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Had two 2-hour sessions with the counselor. Briefed her completely; even printed this diary for her. She knows EVERYTHING at this point. I even divulged some nuances regarding sexual orientation which I've been mum about. At one point, she mentioned the possiblity of a team approach: another counselor, a psychologist, not sure who else. My gut said, "Ooh-boy. I got problems. Guess I'm not your run-of-the-mill counseling case." The image I had was of several doctors in their lab coats huddled around the patient (me), speaking in low tones and rubbing their chins. She asked if I was open to the idea of anti-depressants; I said yes.

Was asked to sign a "safety" (anti-suicide) statement. States that I promise to call certain people if I'm having suicidal thoughts. I understand her precaution. Told her that as I was leaving the driveway for the trip, I was thinking of the disappointment I'd feel to be rolling back into the driveway Tuesday evening. When I saw especially big trucks on the interstate, found myself thinking, "He could crush me good if he loses control." Why is this situation so hard?

Made a goof: Opened up to a female co-worker whom my wife and I are good friends with. Seemed appropriate, considering the closeness of the relationship. She asked how I was doing, and couldn't get the usual "Fine" out of my mouth. Instead, said, "Oh...not so good. I'm here for counseling." She immediately asked, "What for?" It was a good conversation.

Told my wife: "I did you a favor: you have another confidant." But she said I shouldn't have told her. My wife would prefer to keep this part of our lives out of that friendship. Made me feel like a walking disaster area.

Been asking the Lord what to ingest for this malady. Would like to avoid the "big guns" (anti-depressants) for now. A low dose of estrogen would be nice. Wife may agree to it since a husband on estrogen is better than a depressed/weepy/death-wishing mope. Also will take chocolate regularly to see if it helps.

July 15th came to mind again in prayer and got the "chill" sensation which the Holy Spirit uses to signify His presence. So I said, "I only have to swim that far. Okay." Time will tell.

Terri

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Celebrating my score on the Tickle.com gender test: 92% feminine!

Counselor asked me, "What would wellness look like for you at this point?" Told her I view this as a terminal condition. I like my newly remodeled heart just the way it is, have no plans to change it (even if I could), and a long life will just end up making it calloused.

Counselor knows of my participation at EA and asked whether anyone pressured me into my castration decision. I said "no" and started tearing up. After building some courage, told her, "I started strangling it..." The desire was all inward. I had started putting cords around the whole deal (Mr. Penis and testicles) and yanking.

Took some Estroven yesterday to see if that can balance my moods.

Had quite a few erections in bed last night (probably an effect from Estroven). While cuddling this morning, wondered, "Could I try lovemaking again? Could I play the male role?" The answer came back "no" and I inadvertently emitted a soft moan of distress. Wife asked if I was okay. Since I wanted to keep the matter secret, said I was fine. Told the counselor I "sense some flexibility" in my orientation. If my wife and I could swap equipment, I would be interested in sex. Just not interested with the equipment provided. We're not talking arousal, but I said, "I want to give pleasure. I want to be loved."

Being a glutton for punishment, I pondered lovemaking again while in the shower. But it just doesn't feel right, I recoil -- like it was lesbian-ish. Was crying and moaning (since this is such a big change). Wife heard the sounds (over the shower and fan), came in and started praying for me. Would have never guessed life could get this weird. I understand now why "transgender" is a sexual orientation all by itself.

This experience with Estroven is frustrating. Seems like anything I could take to improve my moods (T, phytoestrogens, progesterone) returns some life to Mr. Penis. Does anyone know what effect low doses of estrogen have on male equipment?

Even so, I had taken only a half dose of Estroven. Was my mood better? Yes, yesterday was a good day. However, came across a mother-with-toddler figurine in a catalog this morning and started crying. I'd give Estroven a longer trial but I don't want erections. What to do?

Terri

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Never mentioned this before. About 10 times a day, when I think of Mr. Penis or become aware of him, my mind flashes to something chopping it off. Not in a gruesome way, but simple bloodless removal. The image causes no distress since I truly want the thing gone.

The 92% on the gender test has buoyed my spirits. Guess I feel validated. If the score had fallen in the middle, I'd have to think long and hard about why gender is such a problem.

Didn't go to a church picnic yesterday. Why not, you ask? The weather was gorgeous, there was a playground there where I could play with my boy, and the rest of my family went. Reason: I couldn't stand to lie repeatedly, replying "Fine" whenever someone asks, "How are ya doing? Doing okay?" There's a huge, distressing secret in my life, one that crosses societal taboos. As long as that secret has to stay buried, I'm just not interested in superficial chat. It's especially hard if I consider the person a friend. The lie of "doing fine!" falls like a bludgeon on the relationship.

In that vein, still haven't called my brother for his birthday (over two weeks ago). There's this HUGE thing in my life, but it must remain secret. Guess it almost feels dishonest to call and not mention it at all. But I can't mention it, so I don't call.

I'm a broken person. The following passage in Isaiah comforts me and makes me cry in relief/brokenness:

"To me this is like the days of Noah when I swore that the waters of Noah would never again cover the earth. So now I have sworn not to be angry with you, never to rebuke you again. Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the Lord who has compassion on you. (Isaiah 54:9-10)

My boy said the oddest thing Saturday morning. Out of the blue, he said, "You'll be on your deathbed two weeks from now." He was joking around in a male sort of manner. But I immediately did the math: April 15th...I could handle that. He's surprised me in other ways, such as using my middle name (Terry) on a drawing of me right after I started using it on this thread.

On Saturday, my boy was making up a parable where the earth was populated with rocks and pieces of glass. Rocks represented people who don't know Jesus, and the glass represented Christians. From time to time, God would change a rock into a piece of glass. But sometimes, a piece of glass changed into a rock. So we talked about people who stop following Christ. He, of course, gave the usual sort of talk that he would never stop following Jesus. Then I told him, voice breaking, "But there are times when it is VERY HARD. When you get older, you'll understand. But always keep following him."

Got an insight while sitting outside with my boy yesterday. Christian aspirations to Heaven have struck me as somewhat selfish at times, as in "The Lord's got a mansion waiting for me." That doesn't appeal to me, nor does a throne. But now I see Heaven as a place where we can give of ourselves and mean something to others... It's hard to explain, but I can get excited about it now. My boy looked up and said, "You've got some water on your eye." So I tried explaining it to him.

There's a tune I've been playing lately on the piano. Made it up, as far as I know; maybe the Lord inspired it. The recurring theme is dissonance which gets resolved. Rather enchanting and consider it one of my best. Wondered what to call it; "Swan Song" came to mind.

Terri

EDITED TO ADD: Just got a call from my employer's counseling department. My case apparently crosses the line, and they feel my supervisor should be informed. Feel like my world is falling apart. The topic of disclosure is on the agenda for the next counseling session (week from now). I keep thinking of the verse: "No one who trusts in Him will be put to shame."

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Nice to have EA up and running again. My sincere thanks to Talula. Here is the diary I've been maintaining offline the downtime.

As you may recall, my last entry had ended with these suspenseful words:

EDITED TO ADD: Just got a call from my employer's counseling department. My case apparently crosses the line, and they feel my supervisor should be informed. Feel like my world is falling apart. The topic of disclosure is on the agenda for the next counseling session (week from now). I keep thinking of the verse: "No one who trusts in Him will be put to shame."

Turns out there was a misunderstanding. Once I assured the counselors I am completely asexual, and after some face-to-face sessions with the male counselor, both counselors now say my situation doesn't violate our organization's moral code. Whew! However, I have to be careful or my marriage could break up.

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4/07/2006

Yesterday was my one-year anniversary of castration.

As I think of my time with testosterone, I'm filled with regret. Filthy fantasies. Acting like a jerk in college. Filthy actions (before becoming Christian). All the while enjoying it. Happy to be rid of the stuff.

I have so little good to show for my experience with T. I have a son and a wife. That's it. The rest is filth, false bravado, and crudity.

Some discoveries hurt when we encounter them, like discovering who I was for all those years (puberty onward). I wonder sometimes why God made men the way He did. Or maybe some of the effects of T are part of the curse. Those who have been sexually abused will certainly agree with that.

So glad the stuff is gone from my system.

* * *

I'm starting to enjoy poetry again. It's a good outlet during down times. Looking at TG websites, it appears this is somewhat common among TGs, i.e., writing poetry out of pain.

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4/10/2006

Yesterday started off as a disaster. Son came crawling into bed on my side. Since he's been favoring me and since I had the convenient excuse of little room on my side of the bed, told him to get in on wife's side. He didn't move; he just scrunched in close to me. Wife got up from the bed shortly thereafter, grabbed a kleenex, and headed for the bathroom to cry.

Later, before church, wife confronted me on the matter of discipline. I'm too soft (in her opinion), and she ends up doing most of the disciplining; consequently, our boy favors me. Couldn't do much in response -- just stood there and weeped. I don't want to hurt anyone, but now I end up hurting my wife terribly by supplanting her.

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4/12/2006

Got some more counseling. Counselor was asking me to categorize the GID issue in one of two ways: (1) I've been damaged in some way and am looking for a way to be repaired (reparative therapy), or (2) I think this is true to my identity and something God has for me. I voted for #2.

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4/16/2006 (Easter)

Didn't sleep well. When I woke up at one point, was depressed that son's joking prophecy two weeks ago about April 15th (i.e., my deathbed) didn't come true. Took a LONG time to get back to sleep.

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4/18/2006

Wife is feeling more stressed about my situation. She worries about what's on TV when I'm around, what people say when we're socializing, what she herself says to me, etc. The constant worry: "Is something going to set him off and send him crying from the room?"

Wife and I are having a hard time communicating. As she observed, "Seems every time we talk, we hurt each other." Examples: (1) After a lengthy conversation, wife wrapped it up by stating, "That will be the best for all of us." I started crying because of the implication that my problem is affecting everyone around us. I don't want to hurt anyone, but it seems the hurt is going around anyway. (2) Wife mentioned she is concerned when getting dressed up -- doesn't want me to feel left out, as though I'll feel bad I can't wear what she's wearing. At least, that's what I thought she meant. Told her not to worry. Turns out I misunderstood her completely. What she meant was compliments from me now make her uncomfortable. Compliments previously meant, "Your lover finds you attractive." Now compliments from me mean, "Your friend thinks you matched your colors well" or "Your former lover says others will find you attractive." Something like that.

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4/28/2006

Got some more counseling. Why are wife and counselors so sure that my male body isn't a mistake? We see birth defects all the time. We speak of 'fallen creation' all the time. So why are they so positive my male body is part of God's perfect creation? Is it not possible that God has been bringing resolution to what was originally a fallen situation?

Tuesday night was miserable. Wife gave me ultimatum, and I felt like I had nothing to offer, no assurance. Was wondering where I would go, what I would do. Pleaded with the Lord to take me. After she returned from a walk, we had a no-holds-barred discussion. I've offered to go on progesterone to reduce emotional instability. Not looking forward to Mr. Penis regaining some life.

She mentioned she would like us to be like other couples and make love sometimes. Hard to believe she's saying that. First, she lost interest (and hasn't regained it, best I can tell). But she's always been one to say, "Don't offer an alcoholic even one drink" and "If you don't have the willpower for something, stay away from it." Well, I was a sexual addict. I have to stay clear of sexual involvement. If I am overcome by sexual things again, I don't have castration as an option.

Still want to die, and still praying for it. Doctrine-wise, I'm not sure our prayers can affect such things. Lifespans may be pre-determined. (But then what about abortees? Did God pre-determine that? It's all confusing.)

Part of the counseling involved filling out a 'life questionnaire.' One of the questions asked about adults (besides parents) which had a 'decisive influence' on my life. Came up blank until I recalled reading "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex" by Dr. David Reuben when I was only 12 years old. My older siblings offered it to me and I devoured it.

Tuesday's counseling session left me feeling 'poked and prodded.' Didn't go to Wednesday's session. When I speak the truth to my wife about my internal feelings, she doesn't accept it, it hurts her, and resulting discussions are unfruitful. You know what I think I'll do? Go underground. Bury my personality. Build a shell. I learned as a child not to reveal gender issues. You know what? I've learned all over again not to reveal gender issues. Knowing what I do now, I would not have revealed the TG stuff to my wife back in October. That's sad. I don't like secrets, especially in a marriage.

The most poignant moment in counseling was when the male counselor asked (with female counselor and wife present) how I'd feel if couldn't be female in Heaven, would that be okay? I wasn't able to answer. First silence, then just bowed my head and quietly sobbed.

Wife still thinks the gender shift is from Satan. The experience at church October 2nd was 'flesh,' in her opinion. To me, the gender stuff is identity and I've been feeling very close to the Lord ever since castration. If the TG stuff is from Satan, I feel like my relationship with the Lord is make believe, like I can't sense a thing spiritually. So I feel exasperated in my relationship with the Lord, and am fasting for discernment.

Oh! The irony! Back when I had inappropriate, even vile appetites but didn't act on them, I would have been considered righteous by most (if not all) Christian folks. But now when I express a state of being (female inside) with no plans to act upon it, I am considered to be under the influence of Satan and in need of repentance.

I guess the gulf between TG and gender-content (GC) people is too broad for either side to comprehend the other. It seems GC folks would shut Heaven's door in my face and say, "You cannot hope to be the opposite gender in Heaven. That is a slap in God's face for how He made you."

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5/02/2006

Yesterday was miserable. Encountered a catch-22 with progesterone. I started taking it regularly last week for emotional stability, but libido is now showing up. I can't handle libido. (It manifests itself as repeated thoughts of masturbating and/or wearing ladies underwear.) But my wife can't handle my emotional instability -- it makes her a nervous wreck. So I'm taking progesterone to preserve my marriage. Been using only 1/8 teaspoon daily (1/4 or 1/2 teaspoon daily or twice daily is normal dose). Guess I'll cut back further on the dosage. I only need enough P to take away the "fragile" feeling.

Bryan/Terri

[plix (imported)]

It's interesting how if you went to a different counselor with a different perspective, that counselor would probably agree with you that your male body is a mistake. It really depends on the perspective of the individual when it comes to issues like these. If you feel it is a mistake, then it probably is, and when it comes to your own identity no one's opinion matters more than your own.

Keep up these updates!