Hi all,
Since I write most posts offline, I have backups for the months which got lost. Edited somewhat.
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10/24/2005
Didn't expect to be writing again so soon. Had one of those "I'm not normal anymore" moments this morning:
Came back to the bedroom after breakfast and saw one of my son's teddy bears on my nightstand. First thought was, "Did I slip up? Did I sleepwalk and bring it to bed?" Then I thought, "No. He probably brought it with him when he came in this morning." Then my instinct was to seat the bear properly on my nightstand instead of leaving him flopped on his belly. Caught myself: "No, Bryan, that's not gender-appropriate behavior."
When my wife was on a trip recently, I kept some stuffed animals on the made-up bed and slept with them as well. So that's who I am when no one is around. That's NOT the old me.
* * *
Who doesn't crave acceptance? All of us, at some level, feel the need to be accepted. We may hide certain parts of ourselves in order to gain acceptance. But with TG-ism, acceptance is nearly impossible (if we open up), and we end up hiding so much of ourselves since gender is such a pervasive thing. Not good for the psyche.
Of course, this spills over to our spiritual lives as well: "God knows EVERYTHING about me. Does He accept me?" I was bothered by my TV desires before castration, figuring, "What am I to do? I desperately want
bryan (imported) wrote: Tue Sep 27, 2005 7:47 pm
to wear ladies underwear again.
God looks at the heart. If this is in my heart, does it matter that I don't act on it? The heart is very important to God, as the Sermon on the Mount demonstrates ('if a man looks at a woman lustfully, he has committed adultery in his heart'). So what's the point of not acting on it?" It seemed not acting on it didn't make me any more 'righteous'. That was where I was at before castration.
Castration took away the TV desires. In fact, I had set July 6th (three-months post-op) as the day of decision -- to see how I felt about wearing ladies underwear. When the day arrived, the desires were gone. I was 'clean'. Wonderful. "Guess that's over with."
So it was quite a surprise/shock six weeks later when I realized TG stuff wasn't over with. So I honestly want to be a girl AND I see feminine traits showing up in my personality. I can't get castrated again; no, that last-ditch 'remedy' has been used up. There's nothing left in my arsenal. My willpower was already failing. God looks at the heart. Plus, (as that quote in the first post of this thread indicates), a Divine cure was unlikely. That's when the tears came pouring out.
So -- do I feel accepted by God, TG and all? Yes. He's been in communication with me, reassuring me. Would I feel right cross-dressing? No, but mainly due to marriage and parenthood, plus it's not an irresistable drive now. Would I transition if I were single? I'm probably not TG enough for that sort of step. I'm not a frilly/glamour type; more of a 'mom' figure. But I could definitely see getting a penectomy with some feminization. Maybe I'd adopt a more androgenous look. Hard to say.
Wow... Sure didn't expect to write this much when I sat down. You're getting this stuff stright from the heart. Hope you find some measure of comfort/satisfaction in it.
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10/25/2005
Interesting quote from Grace and Lace website:
lives.html
Perhaps, had I met an early death from an accident or some disease, I would have never come to the crisis point in my life that essentially every transsexual eventually reaches. The repression, the continual striving to appear "normal" and the incredible psychological burden to maintain such an elaborate facade over decades of one's life eventually leads all of us to a point where it is impossible to go on any more. We become so depressed and despondent, some even to the point where we think we are losing our very grip on reality, that there is no longer any real "choice" any more. If we do not acknowledge who we are inside and attempt to deal with it some positive way, then our only other option is death. That is why there is such a high incidence of suicide amongst the transsexual population. That is also why so many intelligent, highly motivated, professional-type people end up transitioning in their late forties and early fifties- they have gone on for so very long, trying not to fail all of those who depend on them. But we are all eventually worn down and become unable to repress what we have always known about ourselves from an early age. So we "crash" in one way or another, some more spectacularly than others. But then we begin the long process of resurrecting our true selves from the ashes of our old false identity; a painful course of action for not only ourselves, but also for our families, friends and nearly everyone associated with us. The only reason we go on through such an excruciating and complex process called "transition" (involving hormone therapy, gender counseling, hundreds of hours of electrolysis (for M to F transsexuals) and, for most, multiple surgeries) is that there is no alternative, other than psychological (or a literal) death.
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11/02/2005
Remember that "neatly-trimmed beard that doesn't cause any dysphoria"? The more I look at it, the uglier it gets. The grey is very patchy among the brown, and there's a thin spot on the side I've always tolerated out of desire to have a beard. Decided it was time for it to go, but figured I better run the idea past my wife first.
Just had a tearful time in front of my wife. She says 'no' to getting rid of the beard. She says it looks nice, and that's how she and our son know me. She added, "Seems like you want to get rid of anything that says 'male'." She guessed right. I was speechless and just started weeping, thinking, "Yup. Just gotta buckle down and keep the facade going."
Life is up and down these days. During some parts of the day, I wonder, "What's the problem? I feel pretty normal." Then later, I'll feel fragile. Maybe just being tired will get me weepy. Today I read more about GID and said to myself, "I can't believe I'm transsexual. Why did this happen to me? Like what am I supposed to do?" (Hmmm.... so maybe I'm not doing so well with self-acceptance today.)
And you know what really hurts? Thinking of you who ARE transitioning, but without support from those close to you. Hoping SO MUCH that you'll be able to pass wonderfully, yet you have to deal with the lasting effects of testosterone. I want to hug you tight and say, "It's going to be okay." Believe me, my prayers are with you.
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11/07/2005
Some memories which came to mind this weekend:
- In college, tweezed my nipple hairs. (Very painful.) Guess that was when chest hair was coming in, and didn't like the look. Gave up after awhile.
- When I got a place of my own, shaved my legs and painted my toenails. (Bright purple, in case you are wondering.)
- After divorce from first marriage, started wearing ladies underwear fulltime. Didn't stop even if I was going to be in a lockerroom; wore 'Jockey for her' white hiphuggers on those days.
* * *
For transsexuals, I suppose the question is: Do you prefer Pain A or Pain B? Pain A is the pain/dysphoria already being experienced and is a 'known'. It can be alleviated to an extent by castration and/or other measures. Pain B is the pain of transitioning and is an unknown. In successful cases, it eventually results in less pain.
During a family gathering this weekend, studied faces for gender cues. "What is it like," I wondered, "for transitioned individuals when they are 50-60 years old at such gatherings?" First of all, are they accepted by family? Second, do others ever get past the TSism and simply see the person as they are? What is it like speaking in a different voice for the rest of your life? Does it come natural after awhile, or does it always take effort? Guess that's what got me thinking about Pain A and Pain B. No guarantee that transitioning will alleviate the pain.
* * *
To Polecat,
You are singing my wife's song. She says I'm still within the range for sensitive males. It all depends on how one defines gender. If anatomy is the determining factor, then any and all personality quirks can be made to fit within the definition. Wish there were an objective way to determine gender outside of anatomy. Even the gender tests explain they aren't to be trusted and don't replace thorough introspection.
When this 'sensitive male' sees bananas or hot dogs which have been cut, he wishes it were that easy to do to his own 'banana'. This sensitive male prefers doing cleanup at a gathering instead of staying at the table for conversation with the men. I'm sensitive toward women's issues but haven't the same sensitivity for men's issues.
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11/15/2005
Was touched Saturday night while reading 'Velveteen Rabbit' to my 5yo son at bedtime, and cried for awhile afterward. Wasn't able to return to a family gathering in progress. You see, the velveteen rabbit went from ordinary stuffed animal to 'Real' in the eyes of the boy he belonged to. That's where I'm at: my gender identity shifted to female a year ago. I've wanted to be female in the past, and am one inside now. Feel I'm 'Real' now. The sad part came when the velveteen rabbit was out on the grass with two live rabbits. He couldn't do the things they did, and they didn't accept him. With this male body, I'm like Rudolf the red-nosed reindeer and can't join females in any of their "reindeer games."
Still not desiring a 'cure' for the gender shift. The present is preferable to the past.
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12/01/2005
Kind of amusing: At our Thanksgiving gathering while folks were gathered around the TV watching football, I remarked to the hostess, "Where did you ever get lampshades that match your wallpaper so well?" As soon as the words were out, I realized "Oops! Men don't notice such things, much less ask about them."
While talking with AlyssaBelle offline, came to realize I don't have any sort of plan for dealing with my gender dysphoria -- which will probably only increase with time. My only strategy so far has been "hope death comes soon." I envy people who have died. While passing the local funeral home last night, looked at the sign and said to myself, "Who's the lucky one today?"
Seems like I notice every baby these days. Was cursing my body last night since (in this day of heightened concern about child molestation) it's just not appropriate for male adults to show big interest in babies. I myself would be suspicious of any male showing too much interest in babies.
Due to anguish last night, wondered whether to try to be a content male again. But figured, "No. DENIAL is not going to help." If I'm noticing whether lampshades match wallpaper, this is who I am. I've embraced everything castration has brought, so I've passed the 'hormone test' for transsexuals.
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12/05/2005
Maybe I'm not doing so well. You're right, Alyssa -- I don't know where this will all lead, and it scares me. Don't know how long I can "hold on." I wonder whether to shift careers to work in an orphanage, but prospective employers won't want a gender-dysphoric person.
The dysphoria continues: The hair on my legs bugs me. I hope (in vain) it will fall out. Lately, I've been vigorously scrubbing my legs in the shower in a futile gesture hoping the hair will thin out as a result. Same goes for chest hair. I look at my face/hair/high-hairline in the mirror and think: 'ugly'.
Been looking for ways to find relief. Considered whether wearing ladies underwear would help, but not likely. Afraid it would just mock my desires.
Had an erotic dream last night which bothered for two reasons. One, it was adulterous, but two, I was acting in the male role. The thought of acting in the male role sexually has become distasteful. Glad to be asexual at this point. Much simpler!
Little plusses: Started using P cream again and it has the effect of pooching out the nipples a little. Like the look; gives me a little lift emotionally.
Started praying (today) that the Lord would take me home. Yes, the future scares me. At the very least, the Lord can correct/rebuke these prayers and change my thinking in some way. And I wonder still what the Lord thinks of the dysphoria, whether it's repulsive to Him. I sure hope not, and I don't sense it spiritually. But GD is sure a vile disease in the eyes of most earth-dwellers. So I'm back to wanting to cease to exist, at times.
Can't believe I am writing this.
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12/07/2005
Spoke with my wife Monday night, mentioning everything from that day's post (except the little plus from P cream
). Told her why I'm praying for death: I don't see any good outcomes if I remain. Just maintaining status quo is a struggle, and productivity at work is lousy. But if I transition, I've screwed up my family life, my job, and will lose my boy. And I'm not even sure I have enough "umph" to do a good job at passing. Secondary TSs (as ones at my age are called) are known to not make as much effort to fully adopt female mannerisms. Therapists say "they don't try hard enough." Plus, I can't justify all the expense on myself. As I told my wife several times thru the discussion: I just don't see any good outcomes.
Previously I've held some things back from my wife, for fear of losing her and her respect. She's insisted the personality changes in me were still within range for sensitive males. So I told her the other aspects Monday night, so she could grasp the extent of the gender shift: desiring a female role in sex and hoping for breasts.
My wife cried. She mentioned the possibility of me taking T (as suggested by the Christian counselor we spoke to), but I recoil at the thought. Told her (tearfully) our boy is the only good I have to show for my years with testicles/T. Sex was always a problematic area for me. I don't want libido/fantasies to return. It's been 87 days since I masturbated, but who's counting?
She's decided to pray and do an extended fast. If she's praying for me to be 'male' again, I hope the prayers aren't answered. After all (as I've said before), I've always wanted to be female and now I am [on the inside]. But I'm hoping the Lord will reveal to her His thoughts about this whole situation.
This may sound a little weird. (And the rest isn't, Bryan?) Just as a loving wife may say as she offers herself to her husband, "Enjoy yourself," I've offered myself to the Lord. I'm totally His, to do with as He wishes.
Something about work: What's getting me thru these days is listening to Christian music. When I slip on the headphones and put in a CD, it's like I'm all gassed up and ready to go. Guess it provides some distraction. But the words are touching/helpful, too. The following song has been particularly touching this week (edited to remove repetition and add expression):
"I'll Lead You Home" by Michael W. Smith and Wayne Kirkpatrick
Wandering the road of desperate life
Aimlessly beneath the barren sky
So afraid that you will not be found
It wont be long before your sun goes down
Just leave it to me
Ill lead you home
A troubled mind and a doubters heart
You wonder how you ever got this far
Vultures of darkness ate the crumbs you left
And you got no way to retrace your steps
Youre lost and alone
Leave it to me
Ill lead you home
So let it go and turn it over to
The one who chose to give his life for you
Just leave it to me
Ill lead you home
To Mr. T: Regarding hormone levels before castration: They weren't tested, but libido was out of control and I was masturbating at least every other day. So I think it's safe to conclude my T was within normal range. I *was* wondering if the balance had been upset, like excess DHT or something like that. At the time, I scanned the internet to see if T levels ever increased with age (like a flameout), but didn't find anything.
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12/8/2005
Life is about to get more interesting: DISCLOSURE. Wife couldn't hold it in any longer and told her mom (whom we live with). Wife is also spending the day with her best friend, and she has my permission to reveal whatever. She needs an outlet to discuss these things.
Started taking Estroven (herbal/soy OTC menopausal-symptom relief) as a trial to see how I like its effects. Within 6 hours, started feeling better. Was even dancing around toward bedtime. Package says it takes most users 7-10 days to see effects. Guess I'm so low on hormones, doesn't take much to get me going. Interesting thing: nipples were pooched out after only 12 hours, similar to P cream's effects. (Had stopped using P cream again since I don't like any life returning to Mr. Penis.)
Long chat with wife last night. Heard the dreaded words: "Your gender shift wasn't from the Lord." No, maybe not. But nor is cancer from the Lord, but Christians have to deal with it nonetheless. She wonders how I can pray for death, thus leaving her and our child. Reminded her I might be absent from their lives anyway if the TS-ism gets out of control. That's why the future is scary: when I was scrubbing my legs futilely in the shower (to get hair off), I wasn't being rational -- just desperate. Told her I can't fight the gender shift anyway. I like who I am inside now and don't want that to change, even if it puts me at odds with my body. Figure the mind/spirit is who we are, and the body is merely a vehicle which will return to dust someday.
Sounds like she's going to be a stickler regarding the nuptial agreement we made a couple of months ago. The Estroven is a violation, but I was being up front about it. Figured it's an improvement over praying for death. When we made the agreement, I was fine with it. The boundaries were ones I could easily live with -- at the time. Little did I know things would progress. At this point, I don't know if I'll have the will to abide by the agreement. Remember, weakening willpower was one of my reasons for castration.
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12/9/2005
Mother-in-law said the right thing when I approached her for the "I know you know" opening chat. She said, "I love you. I can only imagine the pain you must feel" plus some other affirmations. So far, so good.
Wife's friend, on the other hand, "is going to need some space" before we are in each other's company again. (Heard this thru wife.)
Wife is going to look for another Christian counselor. From all she's said, I think she wants someone else to tell me to get on T again. You know what? If I think about it for more than 30 seconds, I literally tremble/shake at the thought of having T in me again.
Still praying for death. Occurred to me I've never had a strong "life force" or will to live. Had a recurring dream in early childhood (ages 3-4): Some in the community had been arbitrarily chosen for death, and I was one of them. During the rounding up and incarceration, I was compliant/docile. While those ahead of me were being killed, I was still pretty nonchalant. But when it came my turn to be killed, I said to myself something to the effect of, "I don't have to put up with this" and escaped (woke up). I'm wondering if that dream is finding fulfillment now:
In bed this morning, was feeling hurt and rejected. Imagined telling my wife, "You rejected your husband and now you have me." She frankly admits she wanted her body to herself when we stopped making love. I guess the whole situation a year ago had the effect of causing a death in me. That was okay, because I didn't like that part of me. But now the new person in me -- the one I really like, the one I was before puberty -- is threatened with death. Something is rising up within me saying, "I don't have to put up with this."
Seems like there are three options:
a. Go back on T and try to be a man. (Gag.)
b. Find a middle road (close to status quo) where my new identity can live without too much discomfort.
c. Transition. (Don't want to lose family.)
Starting to form an idea of what to pray for at this point. Grace/power to maintain the status quo and/or wisdom to decide upon a maintainable status quo. At times I wonder why maintaining status quo should be so hard. Then I find myself absent-mindedly looking at my hands, thinking, "they're not like man's hands -- they should help me pass..." I've always appreciated my slender fingers.
My wife is the disciplinarian in the family, and I'm feeling some of that sterness directed at me. If she tries to use "tough love" to get me to choose option A, I'm afraid it will backfire.
*ADDENDUM*
Wife just mentioned possible cost with counselor and said, "It will be worth every penny to preserve our family." Makes me sad because I really didn't understand the following verse until going to Philly for castration: "If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned" (Song of Solomon 8:7). Paying $2700 (surgery and travel expenses) was worth it to preserve our relationship. I grasped the meaning of the verse: What one has to give up for love, one can scorn, for love is that dear. I didn't think about what else $2700 could buy -- it was worth it.
Thanks for listening. Writing this diary is good therapy, and I appreciate your input.
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12/21/2005
Just a short update in case you've been concerned. Doing pretty well. Not praying for death. More comfortable inside this body.
Would you believe my gender identity appears to be shifting some, backing off the female side? Maybe I'm in the center. Feeling somewhat genderless for the past few days. Not sure what to attribute it to. Most likely it is an answer to prayers from my wife, wife's mother, and wife's friend. Certainly not by any inclination on my part.
Don't know if this shift is imagined and/or temporary. Just wanted to let you know I'm past the really low point.
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01/03/2006
I'm still in wonder at how emotions have changed with castration. Gives one a peek into the human condition. I can understand how T masks/diminishes some emotions, but castration doesn't yield the same emotions as a post-menopausal woman; such women certainly don't weep as easily as I do these days. Instead, they have to be concerned about anger and irritability according to my wife. Makes me wonder what "base-level" emotions are for humans and how hormones (or lack thereof) modify them. If pressed for an answer, I'd say my emotions are like a child's. Tears and laughter come easily.
Regarding gender issues, had an up-and-down time over the holidays while visiting my parents. On the trip out, seemed I was scoping out every baby in the airport terminal. (Gives new meaning to the expression "scoping the babes."
) On the trip back, was studying gender features/cues unconsciously. When I'd catch myself doing it, was annoyed one can't escape encountering gender. Look at any scene of people and you encounter gender. Alcoholics can avoid alcohol. Drug addicts can avoid drugs. But TGs can't avoid gender.
Saw some childhood photos of myself while at my parents. Three had me posing with dolls at age four. Guess dolls were a big enough thing in my life that it got preserved on film. (The dolls belonged to my older sister, but I played with the
bryan (imported) wrote: Fri Oct 07, 2005 12:27 pm
m.)
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02/07/2006
Yesterday was the 10-month anniversary of my trip to Philadelphia. I still thank God every day for the surgery and lack of libido.
The transgendering is still there, but it's not overpowering and not in the foreground. My emotions have tempered somewhat. Rarely get the fragile feeling. Guess my body is adjusting to no testosterone. (Still no HRT of any sort.)
Haven't been very active on the message board lately because my TG-ing disqualifies me from many discussions. Hardly fair for a TG to advise a straight male to cut off his balls, saying, "You'll love the effects! I sure do!"
Besides peanut butter, it appears fresh spinach has an effect on my male parts. Had a fully-hard morning missle after a couple of days with servings of spinach. Disappointing in a way, because I was hoping to make it a regular part of my diet.
One fringe benefit of the TG-ing for my wife is I regularly help her make the bed or make it myself. I'd feel like a chauvanistic oaf now leaving it to her alone. I also enjoy my times of washing dishes. My wife and I are doing well together, and the cuddling is delicious.
Looking back over the last 6-12 months, it's been a scary time of self-discovery. I previously thought I was a straight male with perverted tendencies. Castration would cure me, right? The perversions departed but TG-ing emerged, no longer cloaked by the transvestite desires. It was a scary realization, but I've adjusted for the most part. This is who I am. It has made the past more comprehensible.
Bryan
You are a garden locked up, my sister, my bride;
). Told her why I'm praying for death: I don't see any good outcomes if I remain. Just maintaining status quo is a struggle, and productivity at work is lousy. But if I transition, I've screwed up my family life, my job, and will lose my boy. And I'm not even sure I have enough "umph" to do a good job at passing. Secondary TSs (as ones at my age are called) are known to not make as much effort to fully adopt female mannerisms. Therapists say "they don't try hard enough." Plus, I can't justify all the expense on myself. As I told my wife several times thru the discussion: I just don't see any good outcomes.