Late onset (yet always there)

[bryan (imported)]

~hug~

Oh sweetie... you are DEFINITELY not alone in this. I have a Christian friend who sounds VERY MUCH like yourself. We all love you for who you are. Even if you are not sure who that is yet. If you like, I can ask my friend if she wants to talk to you. I think it might do the 2 of you some good.

~hug~

Jessica,

Thanks so much. Nice to hear your voice at this time. I may take you up on your offer, but I should limit phone calls until the household calms down a little. If your friend wants to contribute to this thread, she's welcome to.

Bryan/Terry

[bryan (imported)]

Just had a time of bawling and howling as I struggled to voice what I know in my heart:

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A GIRL!

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A GIRL!

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A GIRL!

It huuuurrts!

...

Whew! Regained composure. Glad no one was home. I let it ALL out.

Guess this is the danger/problem of realizing one is transsexual AFTER testosterone is gone and emotions have gotten deeper.

As stereotypical female behavior/preferences show up in me, I've no will to fight it. I've battled all I can (i.e., castration), and I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A GIRL anyway.

I've started getting a little warmer/chattier on the phone at work. Big cuts of meat gross me out. I'm looking at cats with a fondness I haven't had for years. A young seal in a picture caught my eye this morning: "Aww...he's cute."

Thank you for listening. So glad I can come here and blabber on. Psychology grad students could have a field day with this thread.

Terri

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Just staying in touch. Today's the 6-month anniversary of my trip to Philly. It's not as happy as the other monthly anniversaries have been. But like others here at EA will say, no regrets about the surgery. Libido and me just don't mix; HRT is out of the question.

Told wife EVERYTHING. Says she is grossed out by the thought of any physical contact with me (including kissing, holding hands, etc.). She's committed to the marriage for our boy's sake.

Felt like a shark offering his neck to his opponent, but referred her to a Christian counselor who is anti-TG. Hoping it will help her put our situation/problems into perspective. I have peace about it.

Not bawling for once. Just a little teary-eyed at the moment.

Love you all,

Terri

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Gee... Maybe I share too deeply. Are you in stunned silence? Y'all are my support group.

Had a long talk with DW in bed last night. I felt pretty hurt at one point and said, "This shouldn't be happening," meaning, I went to Philly to help our marriage and now it's like I have a loathesome disease because I shared mere thoughts, thoughts which have strong societal taboos. One bright spot so far: Got a hug and a kiss at the end.

Be warned, those of you who wonder whether to tell your spouse:

1. Tell them you're tempted to cross-dress, you're still a man to them.

2. Tell them you're haunted by sexual perversions, you're still an acceptable partner.

3. Tell them you'd have preferred being a girl, they feel threatened and you become someone with a loathesome disease in their sight.

I wouldn't have been able to guess at the strong reaction beforehand, but then we TG folk are a bit more fluid in our thinking about gender, eh? Hard for non-TG to understand us, and vice versa.

Terri

[kristoff]

Hi all,

Gee... Maybe I share too deeply. Are you in stunned silence? Y'all are my support group.

...........

Terri

I suspect that folks are treating this thread much like Phillip's. A diary-like description of your own particular odyssey with this issue. People can certainly respect that. Keep posting and sharing your experience, please.

K

[bryan (imported)]

I suspect that folks are treating this thread much like Phillip's. A diary-like description of your own particular odyssey with this issue. People can certainly respect that. Keep posting and sharing your experience, please.

K

Krister,

When I saw your name as the last poster on my thread, thought, "Uh-oh. What's up? The flaming nun can only mean..." (too awful to contemplate!)

Thanks for the feedback. Yeah, I can handle that. Interesting that Phillip and I were castrated two days apart. We didn't meet, but I was recovering in the Best Western while he was under the knife.

Terri

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Snapshot of life these days:

- Poor sleep. Really poor sleep. Trying OTC sleep aids and wine (not together).

- Distanced from wife. No cuddling presently.

- The Lord is comforting with songs ("You held my hand when it was cold...") and scriptures.

- Feeling very uncomfortable in this body at times.

- Feeling like my heart is an enemy at times: why does it have to keep beating? So I'm living dangerously: using 2% milk when skim isn't available.

- Can identify with Phillip's mood swings. (You probably picked up on the mood swings already.)

Wife and I had hour-long session with anti-TG Christian counselor. I didn't go along with him. He doesn't see theraputic value in castration; merely sees it as first step to transitioning. Counselor warned that folks in my position rarely stay in one place transition-wise. Wife has drawn line in the sand: no transitioning at all. Fine with me since family comes first. If you are wondering why I referred my wife to him in the first place, it's because I welcome those who disagree with me. With challenge comes the need to examine one's beliefs to see if they hold up.

In our family, we say that God always heals. Sometimes immediately, sometimes thru doctors, sometimes thru death. Had a tearful time in church yesterday realizing I have NO IDEA how this gender identity conflict is going to be healed in Heaven. (Will I be content as a male again? Will I be female? Will we all be androgenous so that it doesn't matter?)

Terri

[bryan (imported)]

Hi all,

Here's a mood-swing example which just occurred:

Was feeling fairly stable/normal. Then imagined the discussion my wife and I will be having soon regarding what's going to be acceptable and what isn't. She's not going to like the fact I've been trimming body hair.

W: "Why are you trimming body hair?"

B: "It's ugly."

W: "It never bothered you before."

B: "I know...." and that's when I tear up , realizing I'm not normal anymore and can't just say, "Okay. Guess I got a little carried away. Time to put the games away."

I look at my legs and chest every day, hoping the hair will fall out.

Terri

Footnote: Started trimming body hair before castration, to explore the "eunuch look." Liked what I saw. So this was a pre-castration change in me.

[mrt (imported)]

mrt,

Thanks for contributing. Yes, I agree at this point with what you say about the 700 club and it being a medical problem. Yes, I'll admit it's going to take her awhile to digest it.

Still no plans to transition. That's a BUNCH of work, and guess I can wait till Heaven for it to be fully worked out. In fact, some of the turmoil has gone away via castration since I genuinely FEEL like a [post-menopausal] woman inside now. Saw some graffiti in the Men's room a few nights ago: someone had drawn big boobs. I was genuinely horrified/disgusted, thinking, "How dare they think that way about us!"

When my wife lost interest in sex, I envied her since sex had always been a problematic area for me. In my present state, I'm a bit intimidated by the thought of sex and am content with our sexless lives. Not going to do anything to re-awaken desire on either side. Someone in the 1800s said, "Happiness is when all your natural teeth are gone and desire is gone." Dentistry has changed alot since then, but human nature hasn't. Asexuality is a happy state for me.

Bryan/Terry

Hi Terry:

Hang in there. You are going to be ok. I understand your situation with no sex drive. I've been there and done that. It changed when I went on HRT and I feel tons better now. Before HRT I had a lot of anxiety problems. Trouble thinking clearly and was tired a lot. I was also angry at everyone and everything. My wife's sex drive just made me wince. Once I got on HRT we got together and are a lot happier. Sex is not the answer to everything but lack of it can make a relationship more difficult. One reason you might want to talk to your wife about HRT is that she is probably having Anxiety and Anger issues (As I did) when her hormones tanked. "Maybe" (A big maybe) if she gets herself balanced the concept of being (as she put it) a lesbian with you won't seem so bad. And if your love life improves she might be more willing to help you with your transition. Of course you won't be interested or willing unless your also willing to go on HRT with her. Consider it. I can't tell you this will work but I "think" it has a good chance of improving it. And how knows you might get a bulk discount on Climara! Good luck!

Wow I'm even "typing" like Mr T.... I Pity myself!

[mrt (imported)]

Hi all,

Snapshot of life these days:

- Poor sleep. Really poor sleep. Trying OTC sleep aids and wine (not together).

- Distanced from wife. No cuddling presently.

- The Lord is comforting with songs ("You held my hand when it was cold...") and scriptures.

- Feeling very uncomfortable in this body at times.

- Feeling like my heart is an enemy at times: why does it have to keep beating? So I'm living dangerously: using 2% milk when skim isn't available.

- Can identify with Phillip's mood swings. (You probably picked up on the mood swings already.)

Wife and I had hour-long session with anti-TG Christian counselor. I didn't go along with him. He doesn't see theraputic value in castration; merely sees it as first step to transitioning. Counselor warned that folks in my position rarely stay in one place transition-wise. Wife has drawn line in the sand: no transitioning at all. Fine with me since family comes first. If you are wondering why I referred my wife to him in the first place, it's because I welcome those who disagree with me. With challenge comes the need to examine one's beliefs to see if they hold up.

In our family, we say that God always heals. Sometimes immediately, sometimes thru doctors, sometimes thru death. Had a tearful time in church yesterday realizing I have NO IDEA how this gender identity conflict is going to be healed in Heaven. (Will I be content as a male again? Will I be female? Will we all be androgenous so that it doesn't matter?)

Terri

I like your ability to talk to those that disagree. Keep at it. If nothing else it will help define your thoughts. As to sleep loss. Try Progesterone Cream 1/4 tablespoon at bedtime and another when you wake up. If your wife is concerned - It should have no feminizing characteristics *I use it myself since my natural supply is dried up. My wife uses it as well (She is close to the change) and it seems to help her. They sell this at Snyder Drugs or Vitamine outfits.