rjs (imported) wrote: Sat Sep 03, 2005 1:10 pm
I am considering completely emasculating myself (castration and penectomy) in the very near future (within say 1 month). I have read that this practice has been done through the centuries, but I also have read that it is considered a bit risky. Have any visitors to this website performed this on themselves? I do not have the money for surgery, and I definetly want to do this and get on with my life. Any responses will be appreciated.
Peace,
rjs
I tried to hack it off with a hacksaw when I was 8, tried rubberbands many times as a teenager... the first one bled INSANELY (took 2 blood soaked bath towels to stop the bleeding), the other hurt so much I could barely breathe.
That being said, i was thinking about cutting my own balls off a month ago... research QUICKLY changed my mind on the subject matter. Well, research and the helpfull advice of everyone in this forum.
If it means anything from my experience and research... its about the dumbest way to go about this. Don't do it, unless you have a death fetish as well...
I belive it has it's complications. I myself was castrated with a Burdizzo,,that was a great deal of pain and ended up in the hospital a week later.Chemical or someone with the proper know how are the best choices.
satanherself (imported) wrote: Wed Mar 08, 2006 9:24 pm
I belive it has it's complications. I myself was castrated with a Burdizzo,,that was a great deal of pain and ended up in the hospital a week later.Chemical or someone with the proper know how are the best choices.
Satanherself, can you tell us more about your burdizzo experience and the complications?
Well it was done with a large cattle Burdizzo. I wrote about it on BME,I'll try and post here if it fits.
Ok then here goes; I am a M2F transgendered girl, who plans on going all the way, well almost. I do not plan on getting the pseudo vagina; it is far less than the real thing and basically useless in my opinion and I don't need to have it to "get fucked in my pussy" (a phrase you hear in Trans, chat rooms far to much) to validate who I am. I plan on getting the clitoris and labia, which will be just fine for me and also plan to get multiple piercing in my labia after it has healed to mark my journeys end.
I have been on HRT (hormone replacement therapy) for 7 years and have been living full time as female for 5 years. I have been told that processing the extra hormones is stressful on the liver and have seen what it can do, for this reason and for my own mind I had been pursuing castration for years. Since day one I have done things in the proper manner i.e.: went to a doctor, explained what I was interested in doing and my reasons (like I even really knew). Part of this process includes regular blood work monthly check ups etc; the first year being the hardest this is a must. As I have said I have been actively seeking castration for quite sometime, at first through traditional channels i.e.: urologist, only to have my first major altercation with the field of professional medicine. I made an appointment at U of Penna. in Philadelphia and after paying my $250 for my initial visit, mind you I was referred to this Dr. and he knew exactly why I was coming. Jump to said day my girlfriend and I arrive, I go in for check up and after about 5 minutes of poking and prodding the fine doctor says to me " I will not do the castration itself, I will only do it if I'm doing the whole surgery." Needless to say I was crushed, not to mention fixing to cave somebodys skull in, this man knew exactly why I was coming and could have told me this information without taking my money, more than anything I felt defeated, used and in some ways very stupid.
Well time passes by and I begin to notice castration appearing more often on BME (I joined up before IAM) there I learned about cutters who until then seemed just something you heard about in hardcore S&M. Believing I had found just what I needed I grew excited and began my search for a "cutter", very soon it became apparent that this was the needle in the hay stack theory and that this would prove to be no easy task. In this course of time I would be trained to be dominant (having been sub all my life I found this amusing and thought it would never work) I found myself in right in the middle of the NYC S&M scene where I would learn still more, yet a cutter would still elude me.
Jump a few years later, at this point between BME and the NYC scene I have a very clear picture of what is to go on as far as procedure in a castration as well as the risks. I seek to do it to myself but am unable to gather the few loose ends I need, those being
after cutting the cord is it stitched or cauterized and what other things are needed to be done to prevent infection etc. It had become very clear that this was not something I could pull off on my own. Now at this point in the game my mind is really fucking with me because my boy parts are really beginning to get on my nerves. Mind you I have never had a hatred of them more over I have seem them as useless and unnecessary. I had seen from time to time people mention the "burdizzo" method thought by most of the descriptions I was not 100% sure if it was for me or if it would achieve the goal I was after. I looked high and low and had a great deal of trouble finding any hardcore info. (even on bme/iam) I searched the eunuch archives and still found no real info; there were descriptions and stories (that I would later come to find out were very misleading).
During this process of searching, I received and email form someone who had seen my personal on BME that stated that I was seeking castration, he told me how he had done a castration to himself (though only one testicle) when he had found out that it was cancerous. He then expressed that he was looking for the experience of doing it to someone else and also that he might become involved in doing it in the underground scene. This to me was a sign, yet I proceeded with a level head, I asked many questions to see if he was on the level and that he in fact knew what he was talking about. He told me the things anyone could have read but also told me of his aftercare which was the key, he explained that the burdizzo would not sever the scrotal sack ( I had pointed out my concerns as that this skin needed to be used in the future) but that it would leave a "bite mark". He went on to explain how there would be swelling, pain and that it was not an overnight healing process. We communicated back and forth for about 2 months and after feeling I had what information I needed to proceed, we set a date, I chose Dec 22. It was to be a Yule ritual (as I have marked all my mods by them being done as ritual) and being aware that this was not going to be a simple process I set about what would be needed to create my ritual castration. It was apparent that I needed to be as immobile as possible and that something was in my mouth so that I didnt bite my tongue off or break teeth (I had read about this and can say I totally agree). Working with this image I chose to be suspended (by rope not hook) it would be a 3 point suspension, loops around the thighs just behind the knees and a sling under the ass, the end result from of sitting suspension. My arms would be bound at the wrists behind my back and drawn upwards as well, rounded out by a ball gag and blindfold, this combination would ensure easy access to the area and total immobility.
Next would be where, at first I had planned to travel to Reading Pennsylvania where he was from but giving the degree of pain that was expected (I again had no idea) it was decided it would be done at my house in upstate New York. Now mind you I lived on the second floor over my landlords general store, so this would be no easy task. I decided to do the suspension in the stairwell using the beams from the entrance to the attic as a solid place to attach the suspension rig. I made the entire rigging myself, chain from that hardware store as well as links, eye bolts for the huge beams and the harnesses that I also fashioned myself from old car safety belts (special thanks to Billy and Rachel for letting me pillage the Honda). After a few test runs and adjustments I was quite happy with my little creation and was ready for the big day.
As is the case with most things I do I wanted to record this, I contacted a friend into BDSM who does some film as well as photography to help me and he agreed. Jump to the night before, well I end up getting stuck working when I had already made arrangements to have the night off so that I might have time to get myself into a mindset (a serenity if you will) for what I was about to undertake.My friend shows up at work and we go to my place, we load in all his gear and have a seat to discuss in total detail what's going on and what I'm looking for as far as visual recording. (Ok so here is where things go south) I have a few glass of wine and try to relax and get into my mind, meanwhile my friend is drinking tequila and proceeds to get shit-faced drunk. This is the last thing I need as I just want quiet and to get some rest, my friend is a cross dresser and I have taken him to clubs on a leash at times and all, but he has always had a thing for me but it has been made quite clean I have no interest, yet tonight he's in love and relentless. Needless to say after he pukes a few times he finally passes out and I can get whatever sleep it is that I'm going to get.
Sunday morning I awake not as rested as I'd care to be and definitely not in the mindset I wanted to be. My friend is still asleep or passed out so I take a shower and get dressed during which time my friend wakes up and low and behold he's hung over (ever have that feeling things could only get worse) We need to go down to the Thruway to meet the guy driving up from Penna. and guide him back up into the mountains. I stop at Eckerd to get gauze and antibiotic ointment for the "bite mark" and Advil for pain, my friend is in serious need of aspirin as well as food so we stop for food, I'm not eating today feeling it would not be a good idea. We get the rest area off the Thruway and wait, as time passes by my friend begins to express he thinks I should not do this he questions what if this guys a psycho etc and that he'll pay for me to get it done right as well as other things. I tell him to relax that I have had far to many promises from people in my life and all were lies or people trying to gain my favor because they wanted something. I said that this is what I had decided and that this was how it was going to be. When the guy was a 1/2 hour late I got a little nervous, at 45 minutes late I got seriously depressed and began to feel like a fool and also that everything always goes wrong in my life so why not this. I made my friend stay and at an hour and 10 minutes late her arrives. He is very nice and soft spoken yet must be about 6'4 200 something lb mountain man like right out of Grizzly Adams. I rode back to the house with him while my friend followed and asked questions as he explains things so we are both straight on what's going on. He tells me he was suppose to do 2 others that week and had actually driven to New Jersey for the one only to have the guy back out, I said I have no intention of backing out I had come to far and was not quitting, he said that he didnt envy me.
We arrived at the house and all went upstairs I asked if he wanted anything he asked for a soda so I grabbed one from the fridge and left the two of them to talk while I got ready. I was a little shy about being mostly naked in front of them but it wasnt really and option, I wore my corset and underwear when I got back to the living room they had made a few images of him with the burdizzo and of the burdizzo itself. This was the first time I had seen such a thing in the flesh; it was huge. He explained how it was used for castrating cattle. I was just overwhelmed at the size of it. He looked me up and down and remarked how cute I was I laughed and figured it best to get this done. My friend put a head harness on me and pushed the ball gag in (which I could tell he enjoyed). Then they put me up in the sling, got me in place and bound my arms. I was nervous and also uneasy, as I was all too aware that my mind had not gone into the mode I go into in such incidents, yet we continued. My friend switched on the video camera and took some images of me in suspension. Bill stepped in front of me and lifted my head my head up high by the harness and asked me if I was "sure" I still wanted to go through with this, I nodded yes and he let my head back down. I could not see but could feel him getting things ready.
A few tugs and then snugness, he loosely locked the burdizzo just above my left testicle I could feel him tug again and get things where he wanted. He again asked if I was sure, my answer was yes and with that it was locked. Pain, lighting, electricity and things I can't even describe raced through my body, there was a popping sound and a strange but familiar feeling. With that he said, "Well thats the last time she will come" and thats exactly what it was, I was in pain and had to wait out the minute and a ½ that it was to be locked. When it was finally released it (after what seemed like forever) he stroked my hair and popped my gag out and asked if I was ok, I had a few tears in my eyes and was wide awake and aware and said that I was ok. He asked if I still wanted to do the other one, I wanted down and out I had had enough, but I also knew all to well I couldnt do that I had come to far to go only 1/2 way, all I had to do was take this pain one more time and it would finally be over I would have achieved what had been out of my grasp for so many years, even more I would be one step away from my final goal. It took all I could do to say yes and I did, with that the gag was put back in and the harness attached. Again I could feel the tugging and positioning mixed in with the pain of the first crushed cord. For the final time I was asked if I was sure, I closed my eyes and nodded and with that came the most dramatic trauma I have ever put myself through. a loud popping sound and pain I was totally unable of processing, the taste, the smell. (I was later told that I had pulled myself up out of the sling about 5 inches * with my arms bound behind me and pulled to the ceiling*) I lunged forward Bill was there and took my head into his shoulder as I cried/scream, stoking my hair trying to calm me in anyway he could. The time seemed like forever I just wanted it off I bit deeper and deeper into the gag as Bill stayed the course. When it was unlock it didnt seem to matter, they both undid my restraints and proceeded to help me out of the sling. My feet lightly touched the floor and began to give out on me straight away. They caught me before I hit the floor and helped me to my room.
There I collapsed onto my bed rolling onto my back in unbelievable pain, Bill went to the kitchen to get me ice, even upon putting the ice on the pain just continued to get worse. I took 4 Advil and lay in pain no thoughts, nothing but inescapable pain. Yet here I lay 1/2 naked two grown men standing over me, Bill remarking how he could see the bruising and my friend speechless. Bill explained that my testicles would begin to swell and of
the rest of the process of which we had discussed, he asked if my friend was going to stay the night with me and my friend said yes and with that Bill told me how brave I was gave me a little pat on the ass and took his leave. Meanwhile my friend is getting sick after puking about 10 times he informs me he just can't deal with this and that he has to leave.
I'm like "what your suppose to stay with me" he is like "yeah I know but this is just to much I can't deal with it", and within 15 minutes or so he was gone, he said he would call one of my friends and let her know.
After he left the pain either began to ebb or I was just getting use to it. I lay in the dark and began to feel myself I could feel swelling but also something else and I wasnt sure what it was. Being concerned I struggled to my knees and crawled to the bathroom there I got a light on and tried to look at myself.
Through the blood I could see that what I felt was my penis and where it had ripped open, it looked about a 1/4 inch deep and ran a length of about 2 inches. This was not good but I was in no condition to do any thing, I got some gauze, put some antibiotic on it and wrapped the area gently. I crawled back to bed where I passed out. At some point in the night my friend Muncie and my friend Marks sister showed up (my other friend had called them when he got back home to Conn.) coming up the stairs the site of the sling in the stairwell spooked them (even though Muncie knew what I was doing) they asked if I was alright, I reached under the covers pulled my hand out and looked at it and said Im fine. (this is what I was told) in the black light which lights my house it was hard for them to see, and I was in shock from what I have learned. They were both to freaked that I had actually done what I said I was going to do and said they would come back in the morning and take me to the hospital if I needed to go, and with that they left.
When I finally came to it was about 4pm the following afternoon/night. The major pain was gone replaced with swelling and soreness; I was more or less unable to move at this point but managed to get to the bathroom and change the dressing. I could see the wounds better and they didnt look to good but I figure Muncie and Co. would be along and that I would maybe go see if I needed stitches. Needless to say no one ever showed fact; of the matter is it wasnt until the day after Christmas that I was able to get up to get myself out of the house to get food and make some phone calls (I didnt have a phone). Yes I laid there in the dark for all that time bleeding and sleeping. That Saturday night my friend Mara took me to the ER. (I will not go into this part as it is written in my diary and just makes me so angry to even know that it happened). In the end the left testicle has healed itself or survived somehow. The right side is being absorbed, as it should be thought the membrane was also totally destroyed as well. All pain finally left me in mid March I have a small scar all the way around the sac, but nothing that will be a problem for surgery.
Overview: Irony two weeks later I would find a cutter, and if I had this to do again I could not have done it using this method. I'm sure Bill's skills were lacking but regardless the pain is more or less the same. This has been the only thing in my life that I can look at and say that I went to far. I have scared myself mentally and still as yet havent taken the time to deal with that. I have never regretted any modification I have had done, though if given the chance I would go about this one differently.
All the advice that you've been given is exceptional and you must try to heed the advice. However, I know that when I was going through the "castration" desire phase, all I did was fantasize about how I would castrate myself. I couldn't stop myself and cut my sack open numerous times, finally with the help of a friend my left testicle was removed and I developed a huge hematoma, went to the emergency room, ya da ya da, etc. Stupid, stupid, stupid, that's what I said about my action. It wasn't fun, cool, or great. It was fricking bizzare.
If you're having trouble with your mind fixating on castration all the time, get help immediately. Tell a friend, spill your guts, before you hack off your nuts and bleed to death. Tell someone. Female doctors are mostly very sympathetic, don't go to a male doc. See a psychiatrist, do it, please, please.
A castration fixation cannot be dealt with alone and you might do more damage then you can ever imagine. Read Scottie's story or any number of those on this site, but get a handle on your fixation. Wish you the best, Hash.
Thank you very much for posting this! I'm so sorry that your friends could not have been more supportive as you must have been very scared at points. I hope people will read this and realize that the fantasy and reality are too very different things.
I also liked the detail you gave, as it painted an interesting picture and was a well-told story. Your interest in making it ritualistic is intriguing. The decision to go through with the second clamping really shows your courage and also the strength of your desire.
I to wanted to thank you for sharing your experience. I am glad you made it through that ordeal. Your experiences shows once again how the medical community needs to be educated to the needs of transgendered folks be they M to F, F to M and Male to Eunuch. I can not imagine the pain and your friends abandoning you at your time of need. I hope you have healed both physically and emotionally.
