Oh... My... Dear... Gawd...

[transgirl23ny (imported)]

I was shown this by a friend, and LAUGHED until I could no longer BREATHE... it's that funny ^_^

Enjoy!

Actual article from the Los Angeles Times:

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of San Francisco Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a Felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him." At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."

Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

TOP TEN SCARIEST THINGS ABOUT THIS STORY:

10) "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum..."

9) "So I peered into the tube..." (I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.)

8) That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self-esteem) being shot out of the guy's ass like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky & Bullwinkle.

7) Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt the said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's "tunnel of love."

6) People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums.

5) People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying "Well Doc., it's like this. You see, we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube..."

4) "First and second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy poop after something like this? And the smell of a burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.

3) People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for: "Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts."

2) What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this?

1) This happened in San Francisco, (I guess no real surprise.) It does give new meaning to the phrase "Blow it out your ass", doesn't it?

[JesusA (imported)]

It's a great story and deserves to be enjoyed. I like Transgirl's comments on the story even more than the story itself!

This story has been around in various forms for at almost thirty years. I first heard it about a patient at Mt. Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles. It's been collected in various places across the country with different hospitals involved, but always with great detail about the names and actions of those involved – just different ones each time. It's just too good a story to let it die. Enjoy it, and pass it on.

There MAY even be a kernel of truth at its base, though gerbils have sharp claws and sharp teeth. They'd do considerable damage with or without a gas pocket and a grand explosion.

[A-1 (imported)]

HEre,

Check out the audio version. (http://www.consumptionjunction.com/cont ... =2&page=84)

Mp3...

It IS great...

You can DOWNLOAD it for all of your friends...



A-1

[transgirl23ny (imported)]

HEre,

Check out the audio version. (http://www.consumptionjunction.com/cont ... =2&page=84)

Mp3...

It IS great...

You can DOWNLOAD it for all of your friends...



A-1

Thanks sweetie!!! That was GREAT!!! Added to it even more ^_^

touche!!!

ARMAGEDDON!!!

[Dave (imported)]

beats my Emergency Room story of hearing about a guy who fell on the handle of a screwdriver in the shower and it's stuck up his butt.

[JesusA (imported)]

As a minor addition to this thread:

Tabasco: A True Story of Medicine

As a pathologist in a medium-sized town in the “shiny buckle of the Bible Belt,” I am always rather intrigued by the seamier sides of our community as evidenced by the variety and innovativeness of the occasional specimens submitted for pathology only labeled ”rectal foreign body.”

To be sure, most of them are the “usuals”… vibrators, dildoes, and the occasional table leg, but once in a while we find that some folks have more imagination.

Some of my “odder” ones have been toilet bowl brushes, toy trucks, bundles of pencils held together with rubber bands, and dumbbell-shaped dog toys, just to name a few.

If you believe the “classic” story told by my ER docs when their patients account for these items, evidently there is a rash of people in the rural Midwest who like to clean their toilet, work on their taxes, and play with their dogs naked and accidentally end up sitting on these items.

But my all-time favorite rectal foreign body was the Tabasco bottle. This wasn't just any Tabasco bottle: it was the 12 ounce size and arrived with a broken string tied to the neck. It had evidently made it all the way up the sigmoid when its owner tried to pull on the string, and the string broke.

As I did my usual “weigh and measure”, as I do with all specimens, I realized that it was FULL OF TABASCO!

What a missed opportunity for self-treatment! If only the cap had come undone, that thing probably would have shot ITSELF out of the dude's colon and possibly killed some innocent passer-by.

Just imagining my own lower alimentary canal bathed in that red dynamite… well, it was certainly a sphincter tightening moment!

To add to the humor, my office staff knows I'm a real lover of hot spicy foods and I have a variety of hot sauces. So for weeks after that, if the office ordered Mexican for lunch, someone was bound to bring me my order, giggle, and ask me, ”Want some TabASSco with that?”

---Placebo Journal, vol. 4, no. 6 (August 2005), page 37

[Patient (imported)]

Priceless, Jesus, absolutely priceless. Many thanks!

[A-1 (imported)]

Well,

Jesus et. al.

There was the case of this gentleman who fell in the bath tub at the local Days Inn, Comfort Inn, Motel 6...or something like that, the exact place escapes me...

...the story is that he fell on a "plumbers friend".

You know, the toilet plunger. Well, the handle end ran a little TOO far up his rectum and lacerated it. The soft tissue dissection was such that the surgical repair necessatated him to have a temporary colostomy while it healed. Then after 9 - 10 months he had to have a second surgery to reverse the colostomy.

However, the best part was the enema of diluted iodine-based contrast that he had to have so that the CAT scanner could map out the extent of his tear and the computer reconstruction could be used to map out the surgical procedure.

The enema had to be administered in the conventional manner with an enema tip inserted into his lacerated rectum. He had to be conscious and alert for the procedure. He was able to have some pain medication, however. There was fucking blood everywhere...not enough for him to bleed to death, however, but he did have two units.

That is why I asked you, transgirl23ny, to stop poking yourself hard enough to injure yourself. That was a nasty, nasty examination on that poor fellow and it hurt the guy...BAD! Of course, the surgery was not lollypops and roses, either. Not one of the 4 hours of it...

So, a moment's (?pleasure?) led to a bad, bad year, for him. Personally, I think that he was fucking himself with the plunger stuck on the bottom of the tub and sort of sitting on the handle and lost his balance, slipped and fell in the tub, impaling himself with the plunger handle.

Needless to say it was probably a while until his wife or friend or significant other fucked him up the ass with a strap on since his ass was practically sewn shut for a while. He shit into a bag through his side for a year or so.

Then there was the guy who 'lost' his vibrator up his ass. Whe the doctor removed it in surgery it was still hummming away. I understand that there was not a dry eye in the O.R. that night. They also had to leve him in recovery a while before the doctor could compose himself enough to go out an talk to the family.

Damn. Jesus, unfortunately you are right about Indiana. 47th of 50 states for the highest number of individuals who didn't finish High School.

A-1

[Paolo]

They don't finish high school around here because the school Admin's are too concerned about their own pay raises, throwing the kids OUT for the smallest infractions of rules, and trying to run the schools like temporary mini-prisons. I'd like to stuff a bottle of tobasco or a plunger up some Principals' asses around here...

somehow, slugging them in the mouth just isn't satisfying enough anymore.

[N_O_Johnson (imported)]

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of San Francisco Hospital.

Call me naive, but is there really such a thing as "gerbilling?" How do you get a rodent of any species to crawl willingly up someone's bunghole?

Norman O. Johnson