one 'reason'

[katie (imported)]

I have had a long term fantasy to be castrated. It started off with just wanting to lose my penis, but then when i was about 14 it became very specific. Ive always liked girls, and they were always in my fantasys. I am almost 24, and it was only this year that i let guys into my fantasy, sometimes only guys. I dont consider myself gay.

The thing is, i think i may have traced it baack to the REAL reason why. Some people say 'i feel this way' or 'it is because i am so and so that i want to be castrated.' Rarely do they go into the past, into childhoods that probably werent normal. Maybe my tendency to look into it this way stems from my tendency to see my fantasy as a serious PROBLEM for me. It plagues me so greatly. When I get aroused, and when i am under serious pressures from life, it takes an effort i usually think isnt worth it to try and think of something else other than being castrated, or imaging what its like.

Anyway, so I traced it back. I had a very dominant mother. My father was never around. Mum met another guy, 18yo when she was mid 40s. He was in essence a male role model, and now i look back, technically in these modern ways of looking at these types of relationships i would have to say they had a typical bdsm mistress/slave thing going on, as he would do whatever she wanted. Additionally my mother seriously abused me - physically mentally, and sexually. I had dreams of having sex with my mother for two years, but the dreams were so real. I remember she licked my ear when she was stoned and gave me a hard on when i was about 13. When i was molested at age 12 though, by one of her 'slaves' friends, i must have been so accustomed to being abused because i remember only feeling special, like those children i would see on tv that used being molested as a kid to do all sorts of terrible things, and i remember i held his hand like a lover and looked right in his eye and said in my sweetest feminine tone, 'ill be right back i just need to go to the bathroom' at which point he reached out for me, and i held his hand like a lover, alowly slowly letting it go. I already understood him and my situaution at 12. I then raced out into the loungeroom straight to mum and said, kind of excitedly, with humour, 'this guys a fag!' My mother did nothing, though, over later months or years, even after she had the full story. One more thing i should add too is that because of my treatment at home, i became a bit of a regular outcast in the numerous schools i would go to, and it always made me angry.

To sum up, I was mentally emasculated particularly by my mother, but also by a lot of other people because of that. When i imagine being castrated in reality, i feel like i would only get depressed. Therefore i tell myself, when im not feeling aroused, that if i was to be castrated, I would not be happy. I want the cycle to stop,

- can anyone relate

[DocT (imported)]

Wow... wow. This is a really powerful story. I'm so sorry for you. I can't imagine why no one on this message board has responded to you in the last month. I hope someone privately messaged you. I'm not a psychologist but I think you need to talk to a professional counselor who really understands your situation. I had some events in my childhood that were somewhat similar, but no where near as hurtful. I just want to tell you that you can have it all. You can overcome the events that energized the fantasy, without surrendering your sexual energy. You wouldn't be happy as a eunuch, you just had some irresponsible adult leadership in your life. You can send me a private message if you want.

DocT

[Patient (imported)]

Hi katie,

I think there are two reasons that so few people have responded to your post. Either their own childhoods were so much like yours that your post brings back too much pain, or their own childhoods were so much different from yours that they can relate to nothing but your pain. I had a dominant mother, an absent father, and a bully of a brother whom my mother not only didn't stop but actually egged on.

In my late twenties I finally found a shrink who led me to realize that how people treat me describes them, not me, and that one of those "inalienable rights" is the right to decide for myself what sort of life I wanted and what I had to become and to do to attain it. Trying to please my parents or my brother was futile because what they wanted would have destroyed me. They had created an environment that H. L. Menken described with the platitude, "Do every day a little more than is expected, and before you know it still more will be expected."

I think that you too need to decide for yourself what sort of life you want and what you need to become and to do to attain it. Professional counseling may be a great help if you can find the right counsellor. I suggest you start by asking your family physician for a referral; that worked well for me.

Good luck and Godspeed.

[sag111 (imported)]

I am very sorry you didnt get to grow up in a more normal home but few are as i am learning.I feel as others do here and thats some good councling my help you bring out the past that seams so hertful to you.But remember only you have to power to change your life that you are now living and if you are unhapy then you can change that to but it isent easy and the road will be long but i just feel that since you are asking for help here you are at least on the right track.Please keep posting as we love all our people here and that measn you dear friend.

[philorchites (imported)]

What a huge lesson for every adult. It is wrong to dump all this on kids when they are too young, too ignorant, too underdeveloped to handle it. Parents have responsibility to create a safe zone for their kids to enjoy and thrive in. Your mother evidently could not accept that responsibility.

Sounds like the key to your castration interest is a desire to escape from all the problems that your premature introduction to adult kinky sex left you with. You have to tell yourself at some point that cutting your balls off won't extinguish your past. There may be a better way for you to draw the necessary line of demarcation to mark the point at which you determine to get on with your life and do the best you can with the hand life has dealt you.

No doubt castration solves some problems, but I think there are guys here who will tell you, it does not solve all your problems!

[DocT (imported)]

No doubt castration solves some problems, but I think there are guys here who will tell you, it does not solve all your problems!

Yes Philorchites, in fact we've seen it create new problems among some of our friends on this board. Depression and regret are very common and sometimes so severe that they want to end it all.

It seems to me that people who use castration as an arousal fantasy should be very cautious about going through with it. Particularly if they are prone to depression. That is different than people who desperately want to free of all male sexual identity including sex drive or people who are driven crazy by testosterone.

Like Krister says, "your mileage may vary".

DocT

[transgirl23ny (imported)]

I had a similar childhood, quite abusive, but my Dad was ... well... he hated me. I was too pervy for him "his little faggot boy" he used to call me. Physically abusive... I know where you're coming from sweetie. If you want to talk, I am here for you!

I first tried to hack off my penis when I was 8 years old. Other girls didnt have one, so it made sense to cut it off. It hurt too bad though, and I stopped. I understand the disconnection with one's genitals, as many of us do! We all support you!

::

[Mac (imported)]

I always felt like I should have been a girl but never dared to express those feelings to my parents. I didn't even dare to act on them in any way. My secret remained trapped inside me with no release.

[katie (imported)]

Sorry - didnt see replies to my post till just recently

Thank you very much everyone for replying.

I have further pinpointed the possible reason, for those who are interested.

I think that when I felt good, I felt like i hide to crush that good feeling to accomodate for my mother. When I started feeling good in a sexual kind of way, rather than touch myself like most boys probably do, I thought I would destroy that feeling. This would explain why I started to cut my scrotum up with a machette and crush my testicles with heavy books even before I was masterbating. This relationship I created at such an early stage between sexual urge and getting off on the threat of removal of that urge would be enough, I ascertain, to create a castration fantasy that would proceed to try and destroy my life.

These days I really think about it. It wouldnt be so bad

Professionals dont help. I have told one or two about my mother and they dont do anything. People dont do anything either. Theyre the first to jump up and down when its on the news or in their face but when its just some guy all their morals seem to be on holiday.

I think my theory partly relates to the beautiful transgirl23ny's story (no shit i think (you) he/she's (are) hot and would like to get it on with (you) her - ive never had such an open mind before my dads friends used to beat transvestites up) in which she tried to cut her penis off at 8. I think because her mutilation started earlier than mine she never really got to puberty, poor girl. How much would that kill your esteem to be called your daddies little faggot boy?

Have a group of abused people ever been able to come together like this...perhaps not

[katie (imported)]

PS i have never ever even thought about harming a transexual, if it sounded like that. was just saying i was brought up by ppl who promoted it. i had just never thought of being with one before