Getting Old Must Really Suck

[MacTheWolf (imported)]

Until six months ago, my 90 year old mother was fairly healthy. She walked to the living room to watch the evening news or Judge Judy, walked to the kitchen to make a sandwich or drove to the store for groceries.

Then she suffered what the doctors called a mild stroke. Since then I have become something I wasn't trained for nor had I anticipated....a 24/7 caregiver. Fortunately, I was unemployed at the time and I had the hours needed to wait on her hand and foot.

My daily duties: Fix her meals three times a day, walk her to the portable toilet every 45 minutes, change her bedding when she has urinary or feces accident (GAWD I HATE FECES), Dispense to her several types of medication (2 blood pressure meds, 2 blood thinner meds, 1 nerve.anxiety pill, 1 pain pill and other misc meds; bring her water 12 times a day, buy groceries, pick up her meds at the pharmacy, go to the bank for her, etc, etc.

If the above wasn't stressful enough considering I only get 60-90 minutes of sleep per 24 hour period, I have to listen to her babble of the following:

1. Who are you

2. Where is my son

3. Where are we

4. Whose bed is this

It's heartbreaking for me for my mom not being able to recognize me

Has anyone else gone through this or am I alone?

P.S. There are many days that I feel I am losing my ability to make sound decisions

[Blaise (imported)]

My paternal grandfather had a series of strokes that began when I was about eleven. He finally was paralyzed on half of his body. For a couple of years, he slept in my bedroom and I provided some of his care. He was aware of himself. He knew who I was. However, after his first strokes, he was paranoid.

Strangely, his mental condition improved after he had his most severe stroke. I did watch his functioning improve. The problem that most struck me was that his isolation affected his involvement with life. He was confined to a room with a television for over 20 years. He no longer wanted to fish or attend ball games (he watched them on television).

During our time together, I got to know that grandfather well. He had a difficult life and he was a difficult man. Without his disability, I would not have known him well.

I also sometimes cared for my maternal grandmother who sufferred from the same neurological disorder that the pope has. I knew that she had good mind trapped in a disfunctional body.

I enjoy being with older people. I always have, but caring for disabled people exhausts me. Being around people with severe cognitive disabilities frustrates me. I appreciate those who can deal with being with those who suffer from them. It is okay not to provide the care directly. Some of us are not good doing it.

I learned much from my grandfather, but taking care of him when I had other things to do as a teenager was sometimes difficult. I learned that I did not want to be a doctor or nurse!

I hope that you find other adult children who have parents who suffer from the problems of cognitive loss. Sharing experiences is essential. I have found that hospice has good referral and counseling resources.

You sound like a fine son. My prayers are with you. I admire your care for your mother.

[bigtwin (imported)]

mac,I live it every day.I work at a nursing home for the aged.It really hits home when it's a family member.You have become a nurses aid.Enjoy life while you can.I overheard two residents talking the other day and what one said stuck with me.He said the hardest thing about aging is giving up your material things,But once you learn that it's like a new found freedom.

Seven years there now and I still get shook up now and then.Take care and do your best.you will never regret it.. [twin]

[surf_toad (imported)]

my gramma is 94 and has no clue who my mom (her daughter) is. Alsheimers sucks. Mom took care of my dad while he was dieing of cancer (2 years ago) and cared for my invalid brother and her at the same time. I think you are a noble soul, Mac and I wish you luck.

peace

[n15mstr (imported)]

I agree - don't isolate yourself - get outside help if you feel overwhelmed. I dealt with the slow deteriration of my dad to heart and kidney disease (but he went downhill quick when he had to go on dialysis - so I moved home to help my mom . So my experiences arfe different than yours but you've got to make some relax time for yourself - or get into a rountine that gives you more "peace time" becausde this could last a while. My dear aunt died also last year at 95 but she was 9 years in a nursing home with Alzheimer's and couldn' t recognize or communicate with anybody.

Best of luck - but remember - your no help to anybody unless you can keep it together.

[Dave (imported)]

Mac,

I don't know what State you live in, but in Pennsylvania, Medicare paid 100 days toward my Mother's stay in a nursing home after heart surgery.

There ought to be a way you can get a nurse to take the load off for a day or two a week. Maybe more.

You can't do this alone. There have to be agencies out there that can help. Talk to your State or County agencies and see what can be done.

[Paolo]

We went through the same with great-grandma at 93 or something...

It got to the point where the only person she recognized was her great-great grandson C., then 10. If C. was there, she knew his little brother, but thought that the boys' mom (my sister) was OUR mom, who was killed when we were both kids.

It's wrenching to listen to a coherent conversation that took place initially in 1980, almost word for word, when Grandma thinks she's talking to her grand-daughter, not her great-grand-daughter.

Eventually, we had to have her put in a nursing home, where things only got worse. Finally, at the end, C. was the only person she knew, then started confusing him with HER son and reverted to a 1932 frame of mind. It didn't take long after that for her to go.

I can only offer my sympathies and a proverbial shoulder to cry on, having been there, done that, and finally having to give up. I hope you can find some help in this, my friend. You're going to need it, I hate to say...

[jane_says (imported)]

Oh, Wolfie, it makes me so sad to hear all that. My dad's father died almost 10 years ago but he lived for 7-8 years with frequent "mini-strokes". It was so heartbreaking to watch a lively, healthy man who owned his own business (he was a barber), sang in the choir and a quartet (his group even made a couple of records in the 50's - but nothing you'd have heard), and loved a road trip, turn into a child. The worst time was when he was still cognizant enough to know that his was really losing it. He could think, but couldn't express himself. He'd think of something to say but wouldn't be able to find the words, and he'd cry. He was so ashamed. It broke my heart to see him that way. I know it was even harder on my dad.

You are a truly good person, a wonderful man. I can't imagine how tiring and difficult what you're doing is. I'm here if you want to vent.

[JesusA (imported)]

Wolfie,

I know how hard it must be. I was only one of several care givers while my mother suffered from Alzheimer's. It was still not only painful, but absolutely exhausting. I know how harried and exhausted you seemed when I was able to visit you. I can only imagine that it's now much worse.

You need to spend some time finding some relief. The county may be able to send someone to relieve you for a few hours each week. Was your mother active in any organization where someone might spend some time with her while you do needed tasks. Churches are especially good at this, but some other civic organizations are too.

The next time I manage to visit, I'll at least find some good take-out and provide lunch in your living room.

Jesus