I went to normal schools growing up and had normal friends. I however was not normal, I was miserable hating myself and wished that there was a way to change things. At age five I realised that I was different from other boys. Every night I prayed to God that I would wake up the next morning without my boy parts. I was angry all the time but not at them but at me. But why what is making me so angry? That question haunted me for three more years. When I was eight I figured it out I was NOT a boy inside and the difference between who I was and what I was were diametricaly opposed. I grew to hate who I was and this hate spilled over into my family. For some reason I felt it was a good idea to pick fights with my older brother, he always won and I always ended up hurt really bad. I kept at him till I was thirteen with many concussions and blackened eyes. Looking back on my childhood I see the signs of deep depression.
Junior High school was a nightmare for me gym class scared the hell out of me having to be naked in front of all those other boys and hating what I was really caused me sleepless nights. Eighth grade I began to tuck my genitals between my legs I really loved looking down to see... nothing. This was my epiphony I knew I was not supposed to have genitals I was supposed to be smooth, somehow I always knew this. This is known in the psychiatric community as gender dysphoria where the self image of the body doesn't match the body you were born with. My nightmare continued for the remainder of my school days. When I was a jounior in highschool I decided that I had to rid myself of these cursed genitals no matter what.
After high school I started to find ways to damage my genitals. At first it was a simple rubber band or two and wait till I could no longer stand the pain. Not long after this I began looking for ways to permanently damage them. I discovered a website called The Eunuch Archive and began to read the stories. I got ideas about how to destroy my genitals. Being a welder by trade I built my own Burdizzo device, it was little more than a modified Vice-Grip(tm) pliers. After several attempts and failure due to my fear I decided to make the clamp automatic so I would not have any input other than to start it. One day while testing this clamp I set it off and actually had it close on one of my cords,there was excruciating pain. Right then I decided never to use this device again.
During the time between high school and the present I made attempts to be a "GUY",building and driving fast cars, motorcycles, and bicycles. Of these Distractions, lets see:
laid one motorcycle down, crashed a bicycle at high speed(yes you can go really fast on a bicycle) and wrapped one car arround a telephone pole. I also managed to break many bones playing pick-up games of football and basketball. I tried so hard to be the Uberguy something had to give. During these intervening years I had the only three dates I've had in my life, all were disasters.
Thirteen years after high school I found my self despirate to be rid of my genitals. I tried severall different meathods of self mutilation. The attempts with banding were excruciating and the afore mentioned homemade Burdizzo clamp was worse but I think it damaged things anyway. Soon after these stupid events I made contact with a cutter, a private individual who will remove my testicals for a fee. Unfortunately he couldn't get any injectable anesthetic and Vicodin is a post trauma pain reliever. So I had to decide weather to go ahead or not. To my shock I said "GO".
I gave a pain scale of 1 to 10 and the cutting began. When he cut open my scrotum it hurt like an 8.5-9 pain level but that went away then he stared on the membranes ( btw he was verry carefull and kept everything sterile I was impressed with that) they hit a 9-9.5 no biggie no screaming but i had to rest between cuts. It got real bad when he actually got to the testis they really don't like to have air on them the pain swelled from a 5 to about 9 and back.
this took about an hour and a half because I had to regain my composure and relax so I wouldnt suddenly move and hurt him and myself. the second half took a bit less time I will reiterate (GET INJECTABLE ANESTHETIC !!!!!)
he clamped the cord and the pain level soared right off my scale to oh 20 or so but once the clamp was on it died off quickly say in fifteen minutes or so then he rather than sutureing and cutting which he said is more prone to bleeding he crushed the cord and then severed the testis the pain at the moment of crushing hit the roof I'd say 30 or more on the 1 to 10 scale.
he sutured me up and washed me up. I had only one removed because I couldn't handle that much pain again. he followed up the next morning I had almost no pain just the slight ache in the abdomen I kept ice on during and the whole day after the operation I havent seen any brusing yet but I am expecting to be black and blue in the next few days. all in all he was good gentle and carefull, he was paitent as well waiting as much as a half hour while I calmed down, if I had xylocane to inject I would have had him finish but without NO WAY!! I thank him for this and apreciate his effort to help me.
After the trip I was sore for four months but still miserable. I was still producing testosterone and I knew that I had to end it. Just one month after my adventure with a cutter A very close friend came out to visit and introduced me to Androcur(tm). The moment I started taking the Andro I felt my temper fade, my self hate faded a bit but didn't end and I was calmer.
Three months after my trip to Seattle and I had healed from my injuries. It turns out my right testis (the one that stayed with me ) wasn't producing testosterone so a month after the trip I was blind sided by withdrawals. Fortunately I had friends who were both patient and compassionate. Thanks to them I have survived the start to eunuchdom with my mind intact. Without their help and support I would not be alive today.
The most important thing this journey has taught me is life is too valuable to toss in the waste bin. In December I experienced one of the darkest times of my life. I became depressed early in the month but not too bad I thought I could handle it. Soon I was spiraling into a suicidal hole and I was entertaining thoughts of killing myself. one day I scared myself when I said out loud "Why not just end it now" that convinced me that I was DEFINATELY NOT in controll. that very minute I put away my gun (yes I have a gun and it was loaded at the time) and hid my bullets so at least I'd be forced to make some noise trying to find them so someone could stop me. Thankfully I had Bubba keeping a terrified eye on me so I couldn't do anything stupid. The reasons for the depression don't matter the truth that it will happen to some extent to anyone who is castrated is the reason I wrote this. I hope this helps those out there who are recently castrated or considering it to be aware that they need someone to keep a close watch on them as this could KILL them as it nearly did me.
After four months of being a eunuch I can say my life is totally different from what it was. My temper is totally gone I no longer have thoughts of sex and I very rarely get erections. I have had to deal with some depression and at times it was really bad. Thank God I have friends that have helped me deal with it.
I composed a letter, only three paragraphs took nearly three hours lots of sighs and some tears. I have started small with a friend I felt was a kindred spirit. I gave him the letter on Tuesday and on Wednesday I arrived at work very nervous. He came up to me and asked pointedly if I had given the letter to anyone else at work. No I hadn't was my response. He then asked an odd question: he asked if I still had a penis, this took me by supprise but I just took it all in stride. I answered his questions and cleared up some confusion as to what comes off to make a eunuch. The best part was the end of the conversation. He ended the conversation with "I'm glad you found out who you really are so few do these days and I'm happy for you."
On April 8th I had a surgical procedure performed by Dr. Murray Kimmel. I had some how managed to come up with enough money to have the remaining testis and scrotum removed I was hoping I could get more but those were the breaks. After this surgery I will be waiting a year before I decide on whether or not to go ahead with the final step but this alone was a huge relief for me.
Bub and I arrived at the office of Dr. Kimmel. We were early, 9:00am we went in for his preop consultation. By 9:30 I'm in surgery. This is where things got weird, I had NO sleep the night before so the 5mg (yes just 5mg) of Vallium knocked me for a loop and I got nauseous. I had brought my iPod with me so I wouldn't know what was happening (didn't work) I ended up talking with the Doc throughout the surgery. Due to my own despiration and stupidity the left side (Seattle trip) had massive adhesions. Dr . Kimmel took almost 45 minutes to get all of that cleaned up the rest of the surgery only took another 45 minutes. After he had finished all the cutting and sutureing he had me lay there for ten minutes or so. When it was time to get up that is when I had real problems. I stepped off the table and sat in a chair when (probably due to anxiety no sleep and the valium) my blood pressure dropped dramatically. It took less than a second for the doc and his assistant to huff me back up on the table. Talk about a scarry moment, Kimmel's assistant had to try three times to find my blood preasure (yes I was that bad) but it came back up. He also could not find a pulse for close to three minutes, I was more or less dead. Thanks to the wisdom quick thinking and caring of Dr. Kimmel and staff I am able to write this. So anyone that says Kimmel has slowed I say they're WRONG. During all this I had my best friend in the whole world with me Bubba (they couldn't have stopped him if they tried). When I was strong enough I was taken to the lobby and laid feet up on a couch. Everyone came and checked on me about every minute. Soon I had strength enough to get up and walk arround a tiny bit (I had to pee really bad and needed to find the restroom). After about an hour it was Bubba's turn. Bubba's surgery took over 2 hours due to worse adhesions than I had. After it was all done we were propped up in Dr. Kimmels office for postop consultation (pills and whatnot that had to be taken). We all agreed if you are planning on having the scrotum removed at some point it is better for healing to have it removed at the time of castration.
While on this trip I had another epiphony. For every soul in the world there is a match, a soulmate a person who you are totally compatible with someone you can't live with out. A person who fills the void in your life and completes you. I have found that person and we are the best of friends and have a love that can't be broken. The long talks we have are the stuff that pulls us closer to each other. We both know and agree that there can't be any sexual content in our relationship and if it were possible it would ruin it. This love is not gay, straight, bi, or any other it is the pure love that is between soulmates. We are inseparable and a formidable match for anyone. The person I speak of is Bubba, I do love him and I would die to protect him as he would me, That I consider true love and I sincerely hope every one can find their soulmate as I have.
Life is not all rosy for me. There are things in life you wish you could have avoided doing and perhaps never even consider but you HAD TO DO THEM. I ran into one of those on Friday. I finaly told my parents something I felt I had to tell them ( the fact that I'm a Eunuch). At first they were a little shocked and then they kind of acted like it never happened. Saturday night my mom called up and said some very hurtful things, and told me some things she thought were facts that were total fiction about the effects of castration. I was polite and calmly tried to set things straight but I couldn't get a word in so after all the ranting I said my good byes and hung up. That night was the worst night of my life but with help from some extremely close and not so close (miles wise) friends I am no longer upset. However I have decided that I should not be in comunication with my parents for a while so they can cool down and perhaps get a grip on reality. I'm scared I will have to cut ties with them but I hope I don't. This drama is going to be an on going thing for a while. I refused to talk to them for three weeks.
I had my long awaited rational talk with my parents.
Things went really well. I informed them of conditions they both are going through and I think they both realized that I have really done my research, studied this thouroughly and really do know what the hell I'm talking about. They both have agreed with my reasoning for having this procedure done and we are now on the same page as far as emotions. I am glad they were willing to let me say what had to be said and reserve judgement till i had finished what I had to say. The only thing they wished I had done differently was include them earlier but they both said that they think they would have drawn the same conclusion as I did in the end.
Once again I remind my self that I am the exception not the rule I was blessed with rapid healing a loving genuinely caring family and friends that really do care. Please do not consider my story the "norm": there is no norm in the case of castration. Every one is different every case is different. you need to think about everyone in your life before you take this step as it will affect them good or bad. I have said this many times in the past castration is not for everyone, do your research, ask your self will this be a benefit or a detriment to my life and most of all how will this change my life good or bad. If there is one iota of doubt DO NOT DO IT!!!! I was fortunate enough to have no doubts, but if I had one, even a twinge I would have stopped. So consider things carefully before you make any "life changing" decisions about your body or anything else in your life.
Spent this afternoon with my parents we talked openly about my castration. Probably freaked out some of the diners at the restaurant we were at. It sure feels good to be able to talk with them openly about it instead of hedging and lieing about it.
I had a really bad hot flash the other day. Just suddenly I turned beat red and started sweating but the funny thing is I really haven't had one since, at least that I noticed. I have noticed that I cry more easily and thats alot better than getting angry and wanting to kill someone. I also have found that my sense of right and wrong has gone more Black and White and less grey. My life since castration has been rough emotionally but the end results are all positives and that tells me (without a shadow of doubt) I made the right choice.
Spent Mothers Day at the Folks place and it went great we talked openly about things till the rest of the family arrived and then the topic went elsewhere. I was a little nervous but things went well. Thankfully no one blurted out "You know what Phil's got no balls!" so that was a relief. I will be telling the rest of the family when the time is right and they are ready individually.
Just my luck things went awry as usuall, Mom thinks Bubba is after me in a non-beneficial way. She thinks that Bub wants to get in my bed or worse and has been jumping to conclusions that are patently untrue. If she looked at both of us she would see that the looks that make her so nervous have been coming from me as much as they have from Bubba. Little does Mom know but the feelings are mutual between Bubba and I. I think if she knew the whole story her head would explode.
This was a long interesting weekend I had a close friend over for the first time since my surgery. Bub and I were laughing at jokes he didn't get so I told him I will have to let him in on the inside joke soon. He looked perplexed but accepted it. I really need to tell him about the real ME I think he would accept me for who I am.
Sunday my parents uncle and I went to watch my younger brother race (GAWD he's good). He changed classes this year from the stock (no mods allowed) to the open (max horsepower) class. He is using the same gutless little 1986 subaru hatchback he always has. The results were tallied and my kid brother (proud parent look) placed in the top 10 in his class out pacing cars with 3-500+ HP and his has 80. I am so proud of him I can't effectively put it into words. I'll just say this HATCH PATROL RULES!!!
As far as my situation goes Mom and I had a talk about Bub and I ceared up everything without tipping my hand (we love each other duh) and she is now cool with everything. So this weekend may have been long and NOT restfull but it was a good one.
It's interesting how life has its subtleties and it some times can toss a big curve ball your way. Today Bubie was inundated by job offers starting at 6am. This followed 5 months of dead silence. I have told him no matter what I'd go to the ends of the earth to be with him and I will keep my promise. There are two really good offers for Bubie and both are in NC so I have to make arrangements to sell the house and stuff. Fortunately one of my brothers is in the position where one he can afford to buy my house and two he needs the tax write off. Like I said life has a knack of throwing a curve ball when you least expect it................I'M SWINGING FOR THE FENCES!
Today my cat for some reason decided it would be fun to play hide and seek. Being her Dad for the last 13 years I got really worried and even broke down in tears thinking she got out and into traffic (there is a busy road infront of my house). Then after 4-5 hours of worrying and crying she waltzes out of wherever and says feed me. I COULD HAVE KILLED HER!!! The important thing is she's ok and I can restart my heart and Bubie's too. Oh and on top of that I blew out my knee looking for her too torn patelor(kneecap) tendon no fun. I can now be called the gimpy eunuch
I'd say that as far as the real Eunuch Phil I'm about 80% there thanks to the androcur that I was on from September till surgery. Since surgery I have become even more emotionally in touch with myself and have found out who I really am.
Have you tried chemical castration first? You really should.