Why I Came Here

[MichaelMN (imported)]

Hello. My name is Michael and I live in Minnesota... which is probably obvious considering my Username. In fact, I have lived here all of my life.

I'm probably not very different from many others who have come to this site looking for information or help, but I feel that in order to understand exactly what I am looking for and why, you should get to know me a little better first. Please forgive me if this message seems long or wanders into areas which you might find offensive to you in some way. I am not here to offend any or enter into long winded and controversial debates.

It is probably most useful and important to start by saying that I am a born again Christian and have been since I was in second grade. (I am 33 now.) That being said, I will also state that I have been struggling since puberty with sexual issues including masturbation, pornography, and fantasy. Now I realize that for some of you these things are not real issues at all... but for someone like myself who believes that any type of sexual activity (including fantasy) outside of marriage is wrong, these can be a major issue.

Honestly, for the 14+ years between my graduating High School and my recent return to trying to walk the Christian walk and attending church, I had little concern over any of my activities... including sexual ones. It was only just within the last year or so that I decided that I really need to address these issues and return to living how I feel a Christian should.

You see, since I first began puberty, I have had a very active sexual imagination and frequently masturbated to some fantasy of my own devising. I also began using pornography to aid me when I could. At one time when I was much younger I tried getting a girlfriend to have sex with me, but she refused and I have remained a virgin (physically anyway) since. For that I am eternally grateful.

However, over the years my fantasies have become ever increasingly immoral (in my eyes) and it has started to become even harder for me not to act out on them in some way. My sexual fantasies now almost entirely revolve around some form of incest involving a fictional family member or even worse... a child.

To add insult to injury, I am also finding myself thinking of acting in violence and am often very irritable, short tempered, and defensive at work or when dealing with others. This is definitely not the lifestyle of someone who lives for Jesus Christ and I don’t really want to hurt anyone else.

A couple of years ago I became so depressed over this whole issue that I went to a doctor to see if he would give me a reference for a psychiatrist or someone I could talk to. Instead he prescribed an antidepressant because he thought it was just medical depression. Well, the pills did help some with the depression and that helped me to walk through the church doors again... but the real issues remained unaddressed. (I have been off medication for over a year now.)

I tried talking to our assistant pastor about my problem but I think he got sidetracked by my confession of using Internet pornography and that is what he wanted to focus on. I have since tried telling others (who were also told about the porn) that the porn is not the real issue at all. In fact, porn is now rarely used as it cannot depict the fantasies I have described above in true form unless it is highly illegal. That is something I have been blessed not to get involved in.

At one point I even asked my Pastor what his thoughts were regarding seeking treatment for sexual addiction at a Christian center in Kentucky. He basically told me that it was my decision but he would rather I stayed and sought treatment here as well as counseling from men in my church. I have had not counseling from anyone here yet.

Honestly, I really wish I could simply talk to some of them about this, but how do you tell others that you fantasize about sleeping with a fictional family member or a child without getting punched in the mouth the next time they see you talking to their kid? Also, how would simply talking about it or removing things like my computer, videotapes, magazines, books, etc help when most of the time I simply give in to some fantasy of my own making?

You see, Jesus himself taught that evil is not the result of what we put into our bodies... it is the product of our own inner beings and springs forth from inside, not from without. Yes, looking at porn everyday would probably make one become aroused more easily... but I am not looking at porn every day! In fact, sometimes all it takes for me to have my sexual interest peeked is for some young girl to walk by with a smile on her face. Then my mind immediately wants to fantasize about her until I eventually give in and masturbate sometime later.

So what does all of this have to do with castration... chemical or physical?

Jesus also said that we are to remove everything in our lives that causes us to sin. In fact, he even talked about cutting off arms and legs or gouging out eyes if they caused you to sin. According to him, it is better to be maimed in this life and remain righteous than to remain whole and sinful. I believe him and want to obey him.

I have tried to stop by removing porn from my house, by not watching television shows which might involve sexual situations, by looking the other way when a child walks by, etc. etc. but I still find myself slave to my fantasies and eventually give in and masturbate again. I hate myself for that... I really do!

Some of the things I have read on here seem to bring hope that maybe by removing the testosterone through some form of castration, that I might lose my overt sexual interest and possibly even the tendency for violence which seems to be looming bigger every day. I do not wish to become any less masculine, but I do want to get rid of this part of me which will not conform to the image of Christ.

Am I willing to never have kids or deal with the other issues that might arise from doing so? Yes... God willing!

Am I seeking to rid myself of sin through a carnal means?

No! I have prayed for healing in this area of my life for many years and it has not come. I must ask myself, do I really want the healing and if so, what am I willing to do in order that God might bring it about? You see, even when Jesus healed the lame people in Israel, he always asked them to stand on their own and walk. He never grabbed them by their arms and pulled them to their feet only to shove them out into the world without any effort of their own.

What I really would like is information on who, where, what, etc I can get help here in Minnesota if possible. I realize I may need to speak to a counselor or doctor first, and that is something I really wish I could do anyway.

I don’t want to become the creature that lurks within my fantasies and only want to live my life for Christ and love others as he loved them.

Thanks for reading this long post and God bless you all,

MichaelMN

[sag111 (imported)]

I think one of the things you will find here is we are here to help if we can .You will find str8 gay christians non christions transgender and every one in between but we all care about one another.

I think this is the best suport group like this on the web and i am glad you found us my friend

[Manimal (imported)]

I think you should move.

The possibility that your

environment is hostile to

you must be given primary

consideration.

There is always an under

current. What appears to

me to be your insensitivity

to that under current may

mark you for destruction.

I know nothing about you.

Maybe you are a troubled

person, or perhaps your

environment is more

hostile to you than you

are able or willing to

accept.

Once I was out dancing

at a gay bar and someone

blew a mouth full of beer

over me and the person

I was with.

This person was hovering

around a long time, and

I was suspicious that he

was up to something.

Well it wasn't so bad,

a little beer. We wern't

in tuxedoes, after all.

I just ignored it and

kept dancing.

The person I was with

ran off the dance floor.

Later, in passing, I

commented on the event,

and he had completely

suppressed it. Like some

thing out of a crazy

Hitchcock film. On a

number of occasions,

out of curiosity, I

pressed the issue.

Complete blank.

He didn't know what

I was talking about.

The point is, it may difficult

to accept the reality that

"I am disliked." Amazingly,

it seems easier for people

to construct their own

destruction, than it is to

face that animosity.

Also, and in honest

humility, I ask your

forgiveness, I do not

believe that Pastor

will ever respect you.

And to fall deeper into

ungrace, may I ask, to

open discussion, what

is the ungodliness of sex?

Honestly, it is difficult for

me to understand this.

Masturbation is just a

natural function of the body.

Like breathing, eating, etc.

Could you help me to

understand this?

And remember, try to look

a little less closely at your

self, and a little more closely

at the people around you.

[Glenda J (imported)]

Michael, you say you are a Christian and are troubled by masturbation. I would like to start at that point.

First, I claim masturbation is no where mentioned in the Bible. Actually it is at one point and I will play a little game. Can you tell me where dildos are mentioned in the Book of Ezeziel? No where else is the subject even alluded to and that is interesting because virtually all other forms of human sexual endeavors are mentioned.

So tell me, why is masturbation a sin?

[OneBallBoi (imported)]

Michael, I too am a born again Christian. I can totally sympathize with you in all of your struggles. I once struggled with porn and masturbation also. I am now taking Androcur. It's something, because of my particular situation, that I wished I knew about 20 years ago. If I knew about Androcur earlier, a large piece of my life would have been totally different. Without a sex drive your whole out look on life totally changes for the better.

[MichaelMN (imported)]

Thanks for the responses. As I said in my first post, I really don't want to debate certain issues such as the morality of masturbation, sex outside of marriage, etc. Everyone is entitled to believe what they want about those things.

Since you have asked, I will simply say that my beliefs stem from the teaching of Jesus where he said that if you even look at a woman with lust in your eye, you have already committed adultery with her. His teachings regarding sin being started in one's mind and heart instead of simply actions were not widely accepted in his own time, and probably even less so today... however, they are the foundation of my own belief system.

As far as where my problem lies, it is not so much in the actual act of masturbation, but in the fact that my sexual fantasies have become much more crude over the years (incest and sex with children are universally frowned upon) and they may also be feeding into my becoming more "open" to violence, both in the fantasy and the real world. These things scare me as I do not want to become in real life what I seem to desire in my fantasy one.

I do not expect everyone here to understand as it is indeed an inward struggle and my own personal or moral goals will probably not coincide with theirs. I do thank you for your input and I do understand where you are coming from, even if I do not ultimately agree with you all.

As I tried to get across, I am not sure whether castration in one form or another is right for me, but I am looking into how it might be of use to start dealing with some of these issues. It will not likely be the "one" answer for all of them, but it is prudent to look at all options if they can be of some help.

Thanks again,

MichaelMN

[_g (imported)]

Thanks for the responses. As I said in my first post, I really don't want to debate certain issues such as the morality of masturbation, sex outside of marriage, etc. Everyone is entitled to believe what they want about those things.

clip.....

As I tried to get across, I am not sure whether castration in one form or another is right for me, but I am looking into how it might be of use to start dealing with some of these issues. It will not likely be the "one" answer for all of them, but it is prudent to look at all options if they can be of some help.

Thanks again,

MichaelMN

You should try chemical castration, with most persons it is fully reversable if not taken over 6 months to a year. Within 3 to 6 months or less you should know if castration will be right for you. You also can use female hormons with some to alot of feminization to chemicaly castrate your self, but once you have breast tissue or enlarged nipples that will not go away if you stop, even if you have to take testosterone.

Please read the message board as there are alot of information on effects of castration chemical and the real thing. Persons have shot off, banded, injected acid, cut the testicls off using verous cutting tools, and have gone to a Doctor or a cutter to become castrated.

Please use comansense and don't end up in the ER.

_g

[Leona Lee (imported)]

Well said.Keep us informed Michael.We all care and want to help.All the Best,Leona Lee

[A-1 (imported)]

Michael,

Seek a non-denominational counselor.

Remember Saul (Paul) on the road to Damascus? God struck his eyes, he was not blind, but his sight was impared from that point forward. He came to understand that through our infirmaries we are made perfect.

You have issues. Losing your sex drive will not cure your issues.

Seek therapeutic help from outside the church. See a counselor. Get some help. You need an objective opinion before joining the ranks of the Eunuchs. Give yourself a chance. It can't hurt.

A-1

[Kelly_2 (imported)]

If an overwhelming sex drive bothers you, Michael, and since you have reached out to the Eunuch community, perhaps chemical castration is worth a try.

I came here for a different reason, but still, I had issues with testosterone. I opted for Androcur (cyproterone acetate) which is not available in the USA, but bought it anyway from overseas (mail order). It killed all libido. Indeed, that is one of the main reasons why it is prescribed in Europe.

In the US, Depo-Provera is often used, but is (IMHO) not as good and can have side effects.

But if you wish for chemical castration, then it should be a right. However, it is not. One can discuss this with a doctor, and shop for one that will help you if the first one will not.

I have had some radical surgeries since Androcur, but I never advocate surgery (or drugs). I feel that those are personal choices.

Many of us come here in the beginning because of our personal issues with testosterone. Therefore, you are not alone, but among friends here.

And of course, masturbation is not a sin at all--most people enjoy it. But some do not (I did not when I was male).

Hugs,

Kelly