Rashly considered it, Moved on, thinking of it again

[Chibiabos (imported)]

Gah, I tried posting before I remembered to log in, wrote a big long post and now its gone.

I guess before I try to rebuild it I should ask if this is on-topic. I've noticed a lot of posts seem to be of castration as a sexual fetish -- a "hottie" I've seen used a lot.

I'm a "bisexual plus" (I definitely think it would be off topic to go into detail on that, suffice it to say most of society considers it a deviancy) who has suffered from depression their entire life. It was especially bad when I was a teenager, I considered castration then as a cure for my deviancy because I wanted to be a good person, not some sick deviant. I've learned since how wrong that was, I came to accept my sexuality but now, 7 years after accepting it, I'm starting to think of having myself neutered again -- for different reasons.

(This is uber-complicated and would make Jerry Springer's head spin so my apologies in advance). I've been through 6 relationships over my life. In consecutive order by start date of the relationships, #s 1, 2 and 4 lasted 5 years and I would categorize as good relationships; #s 3, 5 and 6 lasted one to two years each and I would categorize as bad relationships. #1 ended because we were both young and his family moved and we lost contact. I wonder/am curious about whatever happened to him sometime, I missed him for awhile, but don't really grieve or anything as, tragically, I have had to do with #s 2 and 4. Both of them passed on from this life, #2 7 years ago and #4 last year. I know, numbers don't quite add up -- #4 overlapped with #s 3, 5 and 6 and yes, all 4 knew and all 4 said it was okay (though #s 3 and 5 ended up feeling jealous with my relationship with #4, both cases being ironic given #4 was originally with #3 and #5 had an open relationship with me and had many more partners than I did when I was with them).

Arrgh, I know, trying to draw a diagram of it turns it into an impossible geometric figure so beyond a mere triangle that Stephen Hawking would have trouble conceiving of it.

#s 3 and 6 became abusive to me, #5 became an alcoholic. I know for certain #s 3, 5 and 6 were frustrated with my lack of sexual capacity. It was not a lack of interest, but my drive simply couldn't meet my interest or theirs. I don't know if #4 was satisfied with my sexually or not, she was more sexually active with others (with my full knowledge/okay with no jealousy on my part) but I know that she felt very emotionally/spiritually fulfilled with me. #s 3 and 5 both gave me lines to the effect of "Don't I do it for you?" which made me feel horribly guilty. I had very magical moments for them and really wanted to be able to perform, I had plenty of fantasy and interest with them, I just couldn't actually perform.

Aside from masturbation, I've been inactive sexually now for 2 years. I don't view masturbation as sick or deviant either, I think sex is healthy if it feels good, but I don't think the so much as masturbation feels good anymore, as it is just an addiction I can't break (I've tried). I can't go to sleep without it, and often wind up doing it several times a day and wishing I could do anything else but it.

I know sex isn't my only problem, isn't even my biggest problem -- that would be depression. I feel certain, however, that it is an ongoing source of my frustration and think that I could do without it.

Because of the pain I've had from 3 badly failed relationships and two wonderful relationships that ended tragically, I've put a pact with myself to not enter another relationship until at least the year 2010 to give myself time to heal and try to sort things out, build a life of my own and hopefully find a way to put some dents in this $#!* depression that won't go away despite numerous varied attempts through medical, psychiatric and even spiritual/religious means to.

Increasingly, I've been thinking more and more about the frustration sex continues to be for me and today I gave it some thought and decided to tack onto my pact -- by 2010, if my feelings about it haven't changed, I'm going to seek to have myself sexually neutered in such a fashion as I no longer have testosterone. Even if I had a lover, I can't find real, complete release for my self-gratification needs and I can't think of a reason why I would not be better off with no need for sexual self-gratification.

Maybe I will think of something, maybe the phase will pass which is why I am going to make myself wait a few years (not to mention I have no way of having it done anyway, no money and no medical insurance even if insurance did cover it). I am interested in looking into temporary testosterone blockers/suppressors.

Mostly I am here seeking advice/support. Are my reasons for wanting this bad? Are they a good reason for having it done? Does anyone feel having their testosterone reduced/eliminated outweigh side effects?

I hope I haven't trudged on any sensitivities nor gone off-topic. I really think I need some help from a community that understands these feelings.

Thanks in advance,

Chibiabos

[Bboy]

Chibiabos,

This is the place for support and understanding. You are not alone, either in your desires or your basic life story. We have people who have been there and through it, who are going through it now, and people who can absolutely provide you comfort, support, understanding, and advice.

In particular Andrew is great to talk to about the physical and mental aspects of castration (see the FAQ, linked from the menu above which is mostly from Andrew's work.)

Krister is an awesome person to chat with, as is Jesus - Jesus is off for a little bit but will return soon. Others here, like talula, Robby, Riverwind, etc. have been through the whole process.

I am glad you found your way here .. I think you will find great support here.

[A-1 (imported)]

Chibiabos, you say...

Aside from masturbation, I've been inactive sexually now for 2 years. I don't view masturbation as sick or deviant either, I think sex is healthy if it feels good, but I don't think the so much as masturbation feels good anymore, as it is just an addiction I can't break (I've tried). I can't go to sleep without it, and often wind up doing it several times a day and wishing I could do anything else but it.

But, you say...

#s 3 and 6 became abusive to me, #5 became an alcoholic. I know for certain #s 3, 5 and 6 were frustrated with my lack of sexual capacity. It was not a lack of interest, but my drive simply couldn't meet my interest or theirs.

Help me to understand. Did you masturbate several times a day and then could not satisfy because of your sexual capacity?

You have me confused.

Seriously, your problem seems to be a functional depression. If that is so, you must treat the depression first and not make any permanent changes in your life until you have it all sorted out. A nice anti-depressant is also in order.

A good psychiatrist could possibly get you qualified for SSI, because you are telling me that you are not functioning too well. I can see where you may have trouble holding a regular job, also.

Pease tell me. Is this the case?

A-1

[Chibiabos (imported)]

I forced myself to reduce masturbation while I was sexually active with partners, but it did not have an effect. If my only release is masturbation, I'd just as soon lose the hunger.

Unfortunately, I have encountered problems getting help from a mental health professional due to the "plus" sexuality. The last time, the drug therapist (the one writing prescriptions) threatened to force a cure on me for that "plus" sexuality though I'd anonymously contacted the facility beforehand and gotten assurance my rights as a patience to control my own treatment and have my confidentiality strictly maintained even with my "plus" sexuality. Its an ironic possibility that the "cure" he probably would have tried to force may well have been some sort of testosterone suppression. My "plus" sexuality is not the reason I am seriously considering being neutered, though. I feel my frustration with my performance in spite of my hunger for release is adding to my stress, anxiety and depression. I don't pretend my stress, anxiety and depression will go away, but I think its not too much presumption that they will at least reduce and I would gladly have my testicles removed for even a little relief.

[sag111 (imported)]

Chibiabos i felt the same way befor i went on deop provera to lower the testosterone and it was the best thing i have done for myself.The stress anxiety and depressoin was killing me so i can relate one hundred percent.My advice would be to go on chemical castration first the feeling for me was such a wonderful relief that i recently had the surgery .I just hope you can find the same relied i have found so good luck.

[Chibiabos (imported)]

Chibiabos i felt the same way befor i went on deop provera to lower the testosterone and it was the best thing i have done for myself.The stress anxiety and depressoin was killing me so i can relate one hundred percent.My advice would be to go on chemical castration first the feeling for me was such a wonderful relief that i recently had the surgery .I just hope you can find the same relied i have found so good luck.

So it did reduce your depression and anxiety?

[Chibiabos (imported)]

I started a new job this weekend working for Frito-Lay restocking their shelves in stores (anytime you go to a store that sells Frito-lay chips, the shelves are stocked by Frito-Lay workers, not store employees). After just two days, I'm very sore ... when my immediate financial crisis is resolved, I think I definitely need to look into getting some orthodics or something.

Its a minor step forward, but at least my two month job drought has started, even if its only part time for now.

[talula]

Just remember you are not alone.

[Chibiabos (imported)]

Its hard to express how significant of an effect just finding this community and the terrific people in it has been. I'm still depressed, but its like the 1000 lb gorilla on my back suddenly only feels like 900 lbs, heh.

[SplitDik (imported)]

I started a new job this weekend working for Frito-Lay restocking their shelves in stores (anytime you go to a store that sells Frito-lay chips, the shelves are stocked by Frito-Lay workers, not store employees).

Please don't masturbate in the Frito-Lays! ;-P

Seriously, overactive libido and sexual addictions have been something I've battled all my life. Here are a few comments from my own experience:

a) Any habit is hard to break and especially so if there is such a physio-chemical effect as there is with orgasm. It is like trying to break a heroin habit when your pockets are full of drugs -- your genitals are just too accessible. You will drive yourself crazy tackling a sex addiction head on -- you must approach it indirectly.

b) There is a huge connection between sexual response (like premature ejaculation) and seratonin levels in the brain. For me using SSRI drugs have solved a serious problem (masturbating 10 times per day, visiting prostitutes every time I had the money, etc.) to become a very manageable one. Not only does it manage depression issues, but also reduces obsessive behavior, and moderates sexual urges. Everyone's experience with SSRIs is different, but definitely try them before doing anything more drastic.

c) I've always "thanked God" that I did not have any really illegal sexual urges -- luckily all my urges were focused on sexually mature women. I can only imagine if my urges included a "plus". I'm assuming that your "plus" is beastiality?

d) You do not want to trick the psychiatrists, but you don't have to reveal everything either. If you just show that you are depressed and have sexual dysfunctions/addictions, you can pretty much request to have a regimen of anti-depressants. On the other hand, if you say that you are attracted to farm animals and have been masturbating in the Frito-Lays, then they very well might restrain you for observation.

e) You need to really envision what your idea of sexual health will be for you. Relying on human partners for sexual release is bound to be frustrating -- my girlfriends certainly weren't into pleasuring me 10 times per day. For me sexual health includes burning off excessive testosterone with exercise/sport, collecting and appreciating mainstream pornography, masturbating once every three days, no prostitutes while in a relationship (may not be a bad thing if single), having intimate sex whenever the opportunity presents itself.

Hope this helps!