How We Identify?

[Ulysses (imported)]

The following is a short piece of writing. It relates to my identify and follows some recent conversations on Eunuch Chatroom so may be of interest to some of you ............ There are no revelations here or great pieces of insight but just demonstrates how I identify. If others want to add to this, by articulating how they identify themselves, then please do so ..................

From an early age (certainly by the age of 4) I knew that I wanted to be female. Even today, with the ability of hindsight, I don't know why this was ......... while I wasn't a particularly masculine child, I wasn't effeminate either and my interests were broadly similiar to those of other boys.

At the age of 11, the previously impossible dream of becoming female became something of a reality when I saw a TV documentary regarding a transitioning MtF TS.

From then onwards, I gathered every piece of information that I could find on TS-ism - a much more difficult task than today, due to my age and the lack of electronic communication.

By the age of 18, I was seeing a gender-specialist psychologist and being categorised as "transsexual". This psychologist, however, had a traditional view of TS-ism i.e. that the TS person had 2 alternatives either to transition and live full time in opposite gender to their biological gender or try to stick life out in birth gender.

Despite the desire to transition, I didn't ........... I was too scared - I was the 'blue-eyed boy' who had just being voted as Pupil of the Year in my final year at school due to my academic achievements and was now embarking on a career in law. Furthermore, I did not have the courage to approach the subject to my parents or to face the reaction from my conservative locality.

During the following years, I was on the verge of transitioning on a no. of separate occasions but each time something (i.e. me) always held back.

I had always been attracted only to females. This sometimes caused me great internal conflict because, in entering relationships, I had to keep a core part of my identity hidden, thus almost ensuring that the relationship could not last long-term.

However, in the late 1990s, I genuinely fell head over heels in love and eventually got engaged. For the first time in my life, I tried to hide my TS-ism from, not only others, but from myself as well, trying to convince myself that I could live my live as a "normal" male ..................... this attempt at self-deception was working until I almost lost my life.

How I almost lost my life is a long story and not for these forums but it was a failed assasination attempt ............. ultimately, this made me really question WHO I WAS and to ask myself some of the uneasy, yet fundamental, questions that so many of us live our lives trying to avoid.

Previously, while knowing myself to be TS, if I was honest with myself, I was unsure whether I really wanted to live as a female 100% of the time. After all, I had lived successfully as a male for well over 20 years and could not deny that I had many happy times as a male.

Over a matter of months, I had found a sympathetic psychologist and an endrocrinologist and was soom embarking on a female hormone regime. Laser surgery, to remove facial hair, commenced shortly after.

In 2001, I flew to Bangkok to have GRS. At this stage, I was still not living in a full-time female role and, thus, did not meet the HBSOC requirements. However, after extensive research, I found that many doctors outside of Western Europe and US take a much more "flexible" approach to TS-related surgeries if the patient has sufficient funds .............. this more flexible approach presents both opportunities and risks to TS people.

2 and a half years following GRS, I am still not living my life in a full-time female role and, probably, never will ............. I live the majority of my life in a female role, but continue to live a minority of my life in a male role and am more content today than I have ever been.

I cannot necessarily rationalise this out to myself so would not try to rationalise my thought patterns out to others. I suppose that my TS-ism has always been primarily of the body-dysmorphia type.

Today, I look like a boyish-female or, when in male mode, a very young & effeminate male. Since GRS, I have embarked upon a no. of minor facial surgery operations to ensure I have a relatively feminine face. Each of these operations has been in Bangkok and, following my most recent facial surgery last week, I am now very content with what I see in the mirror.

Do I identify as male or female? Most of the time I feel "female, but sometimes I feel more "male" and, on other occasions, I simply feel "neither". Whilst people may "sympathise" with this type of gender dysmorphia, there is no need ............. for every day I interact with many people who have never had any form of "gender identity disorder" and yet lead unhappy and unfulfilled lives.

I am not a religious person but I firmly belive there is something after this life ............. I only hope that it is as varied as this one as I enjoy this life &, from my perspective, my disability is not my gender identity but my mortality.

Ulysses

[strassenbahn (imported)]

You might enjoy reading my fantasy posting The Make-A-Woman-Machine. Incidentally my avatar is my fantasy alternate self.

[JeffEunuch (imported)]

knew[/i]

that I wanted to be female. Even today, with the ability of hindsight, I don't know why this was ......... while I wasn't a particularly masculine child, I wasn't effeminate either and my interests were broadly similiar to those of other boys..... By the age of 18, I was seeing a gender-specialist psychologist and being categorised as "transsexual". This psychologist, however, had a traditional view of TS-ism i.e. that the TS person had 2 alternatives either to transition and live full time in opposite gender to their biological gender or try to stick life out in birth gender...... Despite the desire to transition, I didn't ........... I was too scared - .......Previously, while knowing myself to be TS, if I was honest with myself, I was unsure whether I really wanted to live as a female 100% of the time. After all, I had lived successfully as a male for well over 20 years and could not deny that I had many happy times as a male.....Over a matter of months, I had found a sympathetic psychologist and an endrocrinologist and was soom embarking on a female hormone regime. Laser surgery, to remove facial hair, commenced shortly after......In 2001, I flew to Bangkok to have GRS. At this stage, I was still not living in a full-time female role and, thus, did not meet the HBSOC requirements. However, after extensive research, I found that many doctors outside of Western Europe and US take a much more "flexible" approach to TS-related surgeries if the patient has sufficient funds .............. this more flexible approach presents both opportunities and risks to TS people.......I cannot necessarily rationalise this out to myself so would not try to rationalise my thought patterns out to others. I suppose that my TS-ism has always been primarily of the body-dysmorphia type. ...

Today, I look like a boyish-female or, when in male mode, a very young & effeminate male.......

Do I identify as male or female? Most of the time I feel "female, but sometimes I feel more "male" and, on other occasions, I simply feel "neither".

I find your story interesting, and I certainly find your achievements empowering. Congratulations!

The simple fact is that many body-dysphoric people identify strongly with your story. That their is medical assistance available to assist us in realising our objectives outside of North America and Western Europe is encouraging for all of us. Where exactly did you go in Thailand?

In my own case, my body dysphoria was focused mostly on my external genitalia and particularly my testicles. Their removal was one of the best things I ever did for myself. There were also good physiological reasons for being rid of them, and I knew that I'd never miss them. I identify mostly as male, but definitely have a female, certainly a non-male, side. That I'm naturally an effiminate male probably adds to my ambivalence. People are always confusing my gender on first meeting. Although I seldom go in full drag, I like wearing female garments. I definitely identify with being neutered, although I'm also glad that I kept my balls long enough to sire kids. I don't figure they have any other use, and maybe that's because I never identified as masculine.

I met a ts woman likely much like yourself recently. She initiated the estrogen treatment about 6 mos ago(mid-30s). However, she also still gravitates back and forth between male and female. Being a gay male, I see her mostly as a man even though that's a minority of the time for her now. She's decided against the GRS surgery for now. I suspect $s is one reason. OTOH, she's also found a sympathetic urologist and counsellors and will be castrated in the next little while. She plans to live part-time in each gender.

There are a lot o' people that don't fit the larger society's polar view of masculine and feminine. I also think we're fortunate to live in times where it's becoming more acceptable to demonstrate gender ambivalence - still not perfect.

[Mac (imported)]

Ulysses, thank you for sharing your story. I have had many similar experiences and frustrations.

From an early age (certainly by the age of 4) I knew that I wanted to be female. Even today, with the ability of hindsight, I don't know why this was ......... while I wasn't a particularly masculine child, I wasn't effeminate either and my interests were broadly simil

ar to those of other boys. I was around 6 or 8 years old when I first recall feeling that way. However I had no real concept of what made girls and boys different. Sexuality was not discussed with children or even teenagers. Also, sexual reassignment surgery had not yet been performed – it was pre Christine Jorgenson.

At the age of 11, the previously impossible dream of becoming female became something of a reality when I saw a TV documentary regarding a transitioning MtF TS. From then onwards, I gathered every piece of information that I could find on TS-ism - a much more difficult task than today, due to my age and the lack of electronic communication.

It was around this time that a documentary on Christine Jorgenson appeared on TV but I only over heard parts of it. My parents were rather strict and limited my exposure to any sexual topics. I was never able to really consider the possibility of actually becoming a girl. However, I had many dreams and fantasies about it.

By the age of 18, I was seeing a gender-specialist psychologist and being categorized as "transsexual". This psychologist, however, had a traditional view of TS-ism i.e. that the TS person had 2 alternatives either to transition and live full time in opposite gender to their biological gender or try to stick life out in birth gender. Despite the desire to transition, I didn't ........... I was too scared. … During the following years, I was on the verge of transitioning on a number of separate occasions but each time something (i.e. me) always held back.

At the age of 18 I was in college but joined the Air Force before turning 19. I was out 1 ½ years later.

Furthermore, I did not have the courage to approach the subject to my parents or to face the reaction from my conservative locality. I had always been attracted only to females.

…I also lacked the courage to make the big step and have only been attracted to females (and only intimate with my wife).

However, in the late 1990s, I genuinely fell head over heels in love and eventually got engaged. For the first time in my life, I tried to hide my TS-ism from, not only others, but from myself as well, trying to convince myself that I could live my live as a "normal" male.

I was married at 21 ½, so much for becoming a female. I still had thoughts of transitioning but, like you, something always held me back.

........

In 2001, I flew to Bangkok to have GRS. At this stage, I was still not living in a full-time female role … 2 and a half years following GRS, I am still not living my life in a full-time female role and, probably, never will. I live the majority of my life in a female role, but continue to live a minority of my life in a male role and am more content today than I have ever been.

Congratulations in achieving your goal. I doubt that my wife would be accepting of that so I am probably destined to never being able to experience being female.

Do I identify as male or female? Most of the time I feel "female, but sometimes I feel more "male" and, on other occasions, I simply feel "neither". Whilst people may "sympathize" with this type of gender dysmorphia, there is no need ............. for every day I interact with many people who have never had any form of "gender identity disorder" and yet lead unhappy and unfulfilled lives.

… Ulysses Again, congratulations (and good karma to you) on your achievement and the best of luck to you in all that you do. I am envious of you!

[A-1 (imported)]

Interesting stories, everyone. I have not had such feelings, myself, but knowing that such a thing exists is enlightening.

Personal note to Ulysses.

There is only one person that you have even a remote chance of making happy in this life. That person is YOU, the one that you have been working on.

If becoming female is what will make you happy, then it is good that you have gotten on with it.

We are all happy for you, as long as you are, and we support you, so feel comfortable that you are among friends here.

A-1

[Kelly_2 (imported)]

Hello, dear.

I agree with A-1. The reason why we generally have this surgery is to be ourselves, whoever we are, rather than pretend to be someone else.

Congratulations on your SRS. I, too, had SRS in Thailand in 2001, as well as a few facial feminization procedures. They help me feel more like myself.

I also failed to transition when I first tried. I tried again and oddly (I thought, but you did it, too), had SRS prior to transitioning.

I do live 100% of the time as a female now, but that is me. I admire you for being yourself.

Warm hugs,

Kelly

[jemagirl (imported)]

If I tell you how if identify today that is fine for today but tomorrow or next week I may feel differently. In fact I have been accused of having multiple personality disorder. While I do not think I meet the clinical definition of that disorder it does tell you a little about how changeable my personality is. So perhaps in my case it better to speak in terms of range and and frequency.

The simplest way I can put it is to say that between my ears I am female to neutral with an occasional sprinkling of maleness. I never feel false about any of this unless I am trying too hard to be one way or another for the sake of others.

For instance I hate to be in a group of men where every one is being macho. I do not identify with macho, but I may find that I act macho in that context. My voice gets louder and deeper with out my even thinking about it. Then at some point I realize what is happening and I become self conscious. I realize that I am not presenting honestly. A similar situation arises with people who know I am transgender when they feel I am not being "Fem" enough. It makes no sense to me to try and be more fem if I am not feeling it at the moment.

I just want to be me, and that isn't very easy in a world that likes to put people in categories.

Jema

[sag111 (imported)]

I love your honesty Jemagirl and i feel that many of us get caught up in just trying to fit in and we forget to be ourselves and who we realey are.And i think that is true no matter who we are .