a deep dark cellar christmas

[Dave (imported)]

I don't want this to be mean. I'm not proposing this thread out of nastiness or depresssion or a need to get even. And definately not out of sarcasm.

But we all have relatives, familial members, beloved by all of us, who (if Santa's list were real) would be considered naughty. The in-law that doesn't deserve the time of day and you spend days trying to figure out what they need or will not return... You know, the relative you must buy a gift for even though you don't speak to them all year... The relative who announces that you can buy him or her a BIG gift they don't deserve...

I propose that we share some of these stories. Not out of meanness, not out of disgust, not out of anger, BUT because (in the long run) these stories are nostagically funny.

Take these two examples. . . .

I gave a relative $1500 cash as a wedding gift and he went out and bought a big wheeled, solid chrome plated pick-up truck that couldn't be driven over 30 mph because of a bad alignment.

:withstupi

Or the relative who announced that "he or she" wasn't talking to a grandparent to punished them for being meddling. "He or she" suddenly apoligized just after thanksgiving dinner and in a few days asked the grandparents for a rather expensive piece of computer equipment... :shakemitk

NOW, what do we do with these family members? Disown them? Abandon them? Commit them to Happy Harry's Home for the Despicable? Give them Fruitcake (Storebought, not homemade)? NO. We invite them to dinner and open gifts with them. And we kiss and hug because they are relatives. THe only relatives we have... As they say, you can pick your seat, pick your nose, but you can't pick your relatives. . . .



SO out of the deep dark cellar of your memories, haul up those wierd gifts and MAKE THEM ANONYMOUS, No real names please. .... And share them.

[Andrew (imported)]

Before we get to family members, I have a dream. I am all powerful. I am above the law. Everytime a Salvation Army bell ringer rings that irritating bell in MY ear, I take the bell, pull down their pants, and shove that bell right up that part of their anatomy that will do them a world of good.

[Paolo]

I always ask them, "How much for the damn bell?"

They never sell it to me.

I never dontate, either.

The Salvation Army is good at turning away little kids who need help. Just because I DROVE them to the place in my truck, which DID cost me a pile of money, doesnt' mean that I have to buy their coats either. But I did anyway. I then threated to shit in the guys donation bucket. They called the police. Can you imagine, the nerve?!

[Falcon (imported)]

This weekend I attended an annual Christmas party which is given every year by two of my lesbian friends. The theme of the party is a gift exchange. You wrap up the WORST gift you got LAST Christmas, and put it under the tree. After dinner and drinks, we all get together and each person picks a gift from under the tree. Then we go around the room opening them. Some of the stuff is so incredibly awful that gales of laughter result.

This year I got a rotating night light that projects butterflies on the wall. The gift I donated was a cookie jar in the shape of a multi-colored cowboy boot.

It's a party that kicks off the season on just the right note, I think. Also, if somebody gives you a really awful gift, you get to say, "Gee Aunt Rose, I know JUST what to do with this!!"

TB

[Dave (imported)]

Salvation Army bell



If my memory is correct, when you get to heaven you get a harp, when you go to hell you get a choice: Accordian, Banjo, harmonica, or salvation army bell.

Worst gift I ever received was two driftwood lamps with brown-paper shades Lacquered up to shine like diamonds. They really matched the chrome and steel furniture in my Swedish modern living room.

This year I am giving that person a "talking Ann Coulter Doll" (the real joke is that the batteries are run down) ... I intend to say that this barbie doll type figure doesn't make good tiolet paper and sounds like his wife!!!!!

[bobov (imported)]

Dave! $1,500 as a wedding gift!? I need to be related to you. Would you consider adoption? You needn't send a BIG gift until the following year.

I'm not a Christian, nor are any relatives, so I've never given or received a Christmas gift in my life. (My Christian friends seem to regard me as an opportunity to cut back on Christmas spending.) What does interest me is the way in which the meaning of Christmas has been transformed from a remembrance of the birth of Jesus to a festival of retailing. So complete is this transformation that now I often hear people describe Christmas as a secular celebration. They are indignant to learn that anyone regards it as a sectarian holiday. I first became aware of this 24 years ago, when a boss wanted me to play Santa at the seasonal office party. He was shocked when I said that I could not endorse a Christian holiday, and pursued me about this for several days. Perhaps this is as it should be: the case could be made, without cynicism, that money and consumption are the supreme and universal values of our culture. So many people of limited religiosity still enjoy Christmas that they have had to erase religion in order to continue with the holiday.

[antonia (imported)]

http://michiganimc.org/newswire/display/3980/index.php

Opinion on a boycott of the Salvation Army first launched by PFLAG in 2001. Click on image for a larger version

http://michiganimc.org/usermedia/image/ ... rbill3.jpg (http://michiganimc.org/usermedia/image/ ... rbill3.jpg)A November 27, 2003, Salvation Army (SA) press release (http://www.salvationarmyusa.org/WWW_USN ... endocument) notes, "In a dazzling nationally televised half-time performance during today's Dallas Cowboys' annual Thanksgiving Day game, country music superstar Toby Keith helped kick-off The Salvation Army's 2003 Red Kettle Campaign." That same week I kicked off my second annual seasonal boycott of businesses that host the SA's Red Kettles.

You see, what the press release doesn't tell you and you wouldn't learn from the half-time show is that the Salvation Army (SA) is a conservative, evangelical Christian church organized in a military structure and operating on “war” footing. Among other things, its official doctrine (http://www.salvationarmyusa.org/WWW_USN ... enDocument) states:

Scripture forbids sexual intimacy between members of the same sex. The Salvation Army believes, therefore, that Christians whose sexual orientation is primarily or exclusively same-sex are called upon to embrace celibacy as a way of life. There is no scriptural support for same-sex unions as equal to, or as an alternative to, heterosexual marriage.

[sag111 (imported)]

Well so far christmas has not gone very good for me and last weekend all i could think of was to shove thoes gingel bells up rudolphs ass.But maby this week will be better lol

[An Onymus (imported)]

I'm not really familiar with all the activities of the Salvation Army, but I presume that they do some positive and humanitarian things. However, I read several years ago, that, despite the organization's apparent need for donations and the spartan lifestyle of its members, they have a large endowment fund which they don't like to talk about. I think that a figure mentioned in the article was in excess of $5,000,000,000.

Well, spare change can add up after a while. My impression is that most of the bell ringers are unpaid volunteers.

[LorenaBobbitII (imported)]

Those bell ringers are so ANNOYING!! But I know that they are doing it out of the goodness of their hearts so that makes it bearable for me.