Texas Chili Cook Off

[Studlover (imported)]

CHILI COOK-OFF

EDITORIAL: If you can read the whole story without tears of

laughter running down your cheeks then there's no hope for you.

NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to

the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For

those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.

Houstonians actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the Rodeo

comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at

the Astrodome.

These notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who

was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili

cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and

I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking

directions where I could find the Budweiser truck, when the call

came in. I was assured by the other two Judges (Native Texans) that

the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I

could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are

the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

Judge #1--A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge #2--Nice, smooth, tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge #3--(me). Holy SHIT, what the hell is this stuff? You could

remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the

flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili

Judge #1--Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge #2--Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken

seriously.

Judge #3--Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what

I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people

who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in

more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge #1--Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge #2--A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge #3--Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels

like I've been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.

Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back,

now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. Plus, I'm getting

shit-faced from all of the beer.

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic

Judge #1--Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge #2--Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish

or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge #3--I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was

unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally,

the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300

pound bitch is starting to look HOT - just like this nuclear waste

I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover

Judge #1--Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,

adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge #2--Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must

admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge #3--My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and

I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me

needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her

that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue

from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I

wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the

other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge #1--Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of

spices and peppers.

Judge #2--The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and

garlic. Superb.

Judge #3--My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with

gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm

worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to

stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I

thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a

snow cone.

Chili # 7 Susan's screaming Sensation Chili

Judge #1--A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned

peppers.

Judge #2--Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of

chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am

worried about judge #3, he appears to be in a bit of distress as he

is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge #3--You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world

sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with

chili, which slides unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of

lava-like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy,

they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's

too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need

air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8 Tommy's Toenail Curling Chili

Judge #1--The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too

bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge #2--This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild

nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3

passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of

himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor bugger, I wonder

how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?