Foot 'n Mouth disease.

[colin (imported)]

Foot 'n Mouth disease has two distinct variants. One which affects farm livestock. It is characterised by drooling from the corner of the mouth and lameness. Affected animals should be slaughtered immediately and those on surrounding farms innoculated.

The human variant has no cure. It is characterised by a red face and an overwhelming desire to flee from the current location. It is usually brought on by the victim or one of their family.

Here are a few examples of the human kind:

Hair Salon

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked

loudly,

"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"

I turned around and walked back out and never went back.

My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX

The Pad

An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance.

He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as

best I could,

so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and

handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest.

Kathy Newman, 46, Winston-Salem, NC

Toilet Paper

I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and

wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked

adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so

well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror - wearing nothing but a camera.

Golf Balls

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was

unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several

minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at

the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him

and said, I think I like playing with men's balls."

Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI

Nuts about You

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety

of nuts.

As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if

we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."

My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned

beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

Faye Emerick, 34,Ellerslie, MD

Behave

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release

some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her

after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told

her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as

threatening,

"If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you

kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers

stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and

walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard

when the door closed behind me were screams of

laughter.

Amy Richardson,Stafford, Virginia

Thumbtacks

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got

up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag.

Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed

out for the entire store to hear,

"PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough,

but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word

"Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over

the intercom.

"DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN

WITH A HAMMER?"

Diane E. Amov

No Accident

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old

son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.

One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It

was very busy, with a full dining room.

so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.

Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked

him if he needed to go and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that

child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I

said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"

"No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because

the smell was getting worse. Soooooo! I asked one more time, "Danny, did

you have an accident?"

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his

cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"

While 30 people nearly choked! to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly

pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by

thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

Inches

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very

embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before

she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true

story. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to

have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: So Bob, where's

that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave

the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

LOL