Why did poor Onan have to die?

[Kortpeel (imported)]

Onan

The quotation that Lynda uses in 'Desires of the Flesh, Part 1' about Onan spilling his seed upon the ground (Genesis 38,8) had long baffled me. However if you look up Deuteronomy 25,5 you will see why it happened. The practice of a surviving brother getting his late brother's widow pregnant is actually a divine commandment. It was all to do with inheritance and continuity of the family blood line.

Onan was slain for failing in his duty to get Tamar pregnant, not for spilling his seed. Probably his motive was to safeguard his inheritance.

Note that it doesn't say how Onan was slain or when. The Authorised Version reads as if he were slain there and then, immediately after his ejaculation, but it doesn't actually say so. Hence we should not assume that it was so. And it was unlikely to have been the traditional lightning bolt that killed him.

Quite possibly Onan met with a fatal 'accident' a few days after the event. The event could have been arranged by Tamar's brethren who were pissed off about the lack of inheritance. It would have suited some people to attribute Onan's death to divine retribution.

The real victim in all this is poor old Judah who lost two sons in quick succession.

I am sure that most guys today, having such responsibility thrust upon them, would dutifully ungird their loins and give their sister in law exactly what was required. I know some who would be happy to oblige even if she weren't a widow.

If any biblical scholar cares to shed more light on this incident, I for one would welcome it.

Kortpeel

[bobov (imported)]

Kortpeel, see this link: http://www.studylight.org/desk/?query=ge+38:4-10

You are substantially right. It doesn't say how de Lawd offed Onan, so we are free to make our own libidinous speculations. I, for one, believe that Onan's genitals grew larger and larger every day, until they weighed over a hundred pounds and rested heavily on the ground. Believing him accursed, the people abandoned him in the wilderness, where, immobilized by his masculine burden (for the Lord had not allowed Onan an orgasm since the day he failed Tamar), Onan was surrounded by a pack of spotted hyenas. Onan squealed in terror as the hyenas edged closer, showing their fangs as they emitted their unearthly laughing barks. Then the hyenas ate Onan's defenseless penis and testicles, hanging as they did, like a luscious provocation to gluttony. They did not kill him first. They just began a grim silent biting and chewing and swallowing, as Onan screamed. His manhood was being ripped out by wild beasts. Thus is the Lord not only righteous but mighty. Much later, the hyenas left the corpse of a neutered Onan lying on the ground, a red puddle between his thighs and his shocked eyes staring sightless at the sky. In that night sky there was a crescent moon of unusual brilliance, which some said was the Lord God smiling.

Is this a Latter Day Revelation? Only the Lord knows, and he's not saying.

[A-1 (imported)]

...that bobov in into some pretty serious MENTAL onanism...

I understand that Tamar chick was a pretty hot little number...

Could it have been that Onan was nuts?



A-1

Maybe it was her eyes that scared him...

[bobov (imported)]

No, Onan wasn't nuts, but Onan had nuts, he just didn't use them the way the Law said. That's why God smiled, threw his arm over Onan's shoulder, led him off-stage to applause, and said "ifn yew doan use Mah gifts as Ah see fit, Ah's taken dem back!" And sure enough, with a merry twinkle in his eye, He Who Made The Heavens And The Earth pulled out an old claw hammer and did the job on Onan. This never made it into the gossip columns because the Lord plugs all leaks.

Study Questions: Would you rather be Onan or God? Explain your reasoning.

Are nuts good for you? How many ways are nuts used in this story?

What do you think God did with Onan's nuts? Is it suitable for publication in a family newspaper?

Do you think God was right to take back Onan's nuts? Should Onan have had the right to an attorney? If you don't approve of God's actions, what are you going to do about it?

How many kinds of leaks can one person have? Would you like to have them plugged?

Your answers will be graded Pass or Fail. Onan failed only one question - "Did you put the pork to Tamar, in a kindly kosher sort of way?" If you fail more than one question, well, I just shudder to think of it.

P.S. Bobov is so mental that he can keep himself happy in Hell. Thanks for noticing.

[bobov (imported)]

P.S. A1, that is one great eye shot! I'm scared. Good one!

Did you see the horror movie Jeepers Creepers a couple of years ago? A sequel is being released this month. In the film, we see a long slow close-up of the monster's face. He has eyes with elliptical irises, like an animal. Then he flies away with the screaming hero, and we know the monster gathers and uses human body parts. At the end of the film, we see another close-up of the monster, but now he has normal human eyes. The camera pans to the hero, now eyeless in the monster's cellar. Come to think of it, the movie's title invokes the old song lyric "jeepers, creepers, where'd you get those peepers? / jeepers, creepers, where'd you get those eyes?" I'm not sure that most people picked up on the eye play, but I thought this was delightful. I'll see you at the sequel.

Your "girl" looks like a distant cousin to the monster.

[Mac (imported)]

No, Onan wasn't nuts, but Onan had nuts, he just didn't use them the way the Law said.

God intended man's cock and balls for procreation.

When not used for that.

[Paolo]

The practice of a surviving brother getting his late brother's widow pregnant is actually a divine commandment. It was all to do with inheritance and continuity of the family blood line.

Onan was

punished with death for the simple reason that he defied God. God said "Do this" and he tried to pull a fast one by 'pulling out early', or so I was taught.

This is probably one of the most misinterpreted passages in the Bible of all time - because at first read, it looks like the PERFECT passage to say that masturbation is a sin and the clergy has always loved it.

BUZZZ - wrong answer, thank you for playing. Go to hell, go directly to hell, do not pass GO, do not collect $200.

Then, of course, we can pervert this passage further by saying that coitus interupus, or pulling out early, leads to the fact that birth control is a sin.

Damn Catholics.

Onan wasn't killed by God for masturbating. He was killed because he refused to follow a direct order from God when he failed to observe the current law of their people in getting Tamar pregnant.

I rather think that God didn't use the proverbial lightning bolt.

His aim isn't that good.

[bobov (imported)]

I hope I've offended no one with my impious and perverse levity. I will now keep my hands on my dick, where they belong, instead of on the keyboard.

[yankee masha (imported)]

I love when someone starts trying to take the stories in the Bible as literal. It gives me a chance to carry on like a white woman in church. First of all, he Bible was not even written down until the Jews were very late in their progress, during the Diaspora, captives in Babylon. So trying to assign these things to God is a waste of time. It was all written down as a cogent book by rabbis about a thousand years after the fact and these men were trying to assemble their history as a nation guided by their god. They put the God spin on all the stories, interpreted everything as a punishment from God or a reward from God (much less frequent) and interpreted through the filter of their confusion and guilt. They were trying to understand where it all went wrong, way they were in captivity, why their nation, guided by God, had fallen victim to their enemies. It was all interpreted through anguish and regret and trying to appease their god through taking on all this guilt.

Many of the stories in that part of the Bible (or Pentateuch, depending on your religion) were fables and stories collected from Egypt, Babylon and some just made up by Hebrew imaginations. For us, now, to try to thrash out their meaning, when there may not even be a meaning, is a real waste of time. If you want to believe that the Bible is a continuing, cogent narrative, handed down by God and faithfully recorded as it happened, then go ahead. It’s your time. Waste it as you want. But the reason so many stories in the Bible are mysterious is because they are just bits and pieces of legends and tales collected by the Hebrews in their wandering experience.

One could go on and on, but the things that everyone takes as the Truth are really stories that were only meant as a means of keeping the Hebrews untied during the dark time of the Diaspora.

Even rabbis don’t’ take these things as absolutely true.

The sin of Onan – and who the Eff was Onan anyway? – he was way before Abraham and had nothing to do with anything. He is just a character who shows up with no reason because his story was part of the legend that fascinated the early wandering children of Israel. Remember please that these were a bunch of semi-nomadic shepherds who had no paper and pencils or writing materials and plenty of time to sit around spinning yarns while the sheep munched grass.

Religions today as well as in previous centuries go to great lengths to force us to give up our intelligence and to wipe out knowledge so they can maintain their superstitious mistakes. If anyone is offended, well I am offended by the idea that intelligent people allow stupid priests, out for power, to force their fictions on people.

ym

[bobov (imported)]

Why, YM, do my eyes deceive me, or do you dare to call into question the absolute unchallenged literal accurate definitive and final Truth of His One-and-Only Testament and Most Holy and Sacred Word upon the Earth, buy two for the price of one, get your car simonized if you order now?? I'm simply apoplectic with indignation! My bloodshot eyes are popping out; my hair is standing on end; my face is flushed, veins are throbbing in my temples; I am trembling, sweating, and possessed by muscle spasms; my nipples are hard; my testicles are shrunken; I am dancing the tarantella; moans, cries, and despairing wails leave my mouth unbidden! In other words, I just can't take it if even one person, anywhere on the surface of the earth, does not believe exactly what I believe. Let me know where you live, so I can burn a cross on your lawn. I want to ring your doorbell and run. But please understand, I'm an easygoing tolerant kind of guy. No sweat! Just believe as I do, and everything is copacetic. Sincerely yours, Osama bin Laden, Junior, Head, Interfaith Center, Department of Internecine Holy Wars.