Miracle of Birth! (This will have you laughing out loud).

[Studlover (imported)]

Miracle of Birth (Priceless!!!)

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet

syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story

below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was

"something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in

his room. "He's just lying there looking

sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him

into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his

back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"

"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we

didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she

inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my

most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she

informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.

I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced.

"We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"OH, Gross!", they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are

we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife

wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too.

don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a

tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We

don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"Its breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it

next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried

several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they

could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the

females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet

with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe,"

he urged.

"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women

can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one

thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the

little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs.Cameron, may I

speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor.

In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen...Ernie is a boy. You see,

Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as

they come into maturity, like most male species, they

um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He

blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr..

Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just...Excited,"

my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More

silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.

And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I

demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would

commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now

running down her face.

"It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny

little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned.

We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and

our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be

okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - Hamsters - $10...

1 - Cage - $20...

Trip to the Vet - $30...

Memory of your hubby pulling on a hamster's wacker........Priceless!

[Riverwind (imported)]

OH, to funny