Um!

[colin (imported)]

I have a feeling that I might have posted some of these before, but they still make me laugh - hope that they may you laugh, too.

Some of the finest double entendres on British TV & Radio...

* MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male

astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

* Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

* MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

* JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

* Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel

on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

* WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

* ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

* DURING the 1989 British Masters golf tournament, commentator Richie Benaud observed: "Notices are appearing at courses telling golfers not to lick their balls on the green."

* CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

* CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:

"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

* JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

* STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

* THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

* WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

* STEVE Leonard, talking about vegetation on 'Vets In The Wild',

told Trude: "There's something big growing between my legs."

* CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

* * * *

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics.

By the way, QANTAS is the only

major airline that has never had an accident.

P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log, and S stands for the corrective action taken by the service mechanics.

* P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.

* S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

* P: Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.

* S: Auto land not installed on this aircraft.

* P: Something loose in cockpit.

* S: Something tightened in cockpit.

* P: Dead bugs on windshield.

* S: Live bugs on backorder.

* P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.

* S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

* P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

* S: Evidence removed.

* P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

* S: DME volume set to more believable level.

* P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

* S: That's what they're there for!

* P: IFF inoperative.

* S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

* P: Suspected crack in windscreen.

* S: Suspect you're right.

* P: Number 3 engine missing. (Note: this was for a piston-engined airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)

* S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

* P: Aircraft handles funny.

* S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

* P: Radar hums.

* S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

* P: Mouse in cockpit.

* S: Cat installed

For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate

customer, this one is for you. It is a classic!

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved

to fly as cargo:

* A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.

He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, " I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the

passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public

address microphone, "May I have your attention please", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.

If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "**** you!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too.

* * * *

According to a news report, a certain private school in Owensville recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators

*****

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...

From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he

fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.

On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts,his lack

of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward,quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.