Rate my first story?

[dandelion]

I hope it is allowed to post here! I just wrote my first story and would love ratings and feedbacks! It's a little long but I think it captures and visualizes the actions like you're witnessing first person:

Here's my story:

https://eunuchworld.co/s16621

[Valery_V (imported)]

I would like to see a continuation of this story, but for it to turn out that Evan dreamed everything and that Chase is okay.

I would have liked a simple friendship between the brothers more...

[WheelyFixed]

I was one of the ratings, I think I gave it a 4... It wasn't to my tastes, but I thought it was mostly pretty well written, with a few 'gaping holes' The biggest to me was that early on there was a mention of 'parent equivalents' that were supposedly downstairs watching TV... But while it was said that the parents were dead, there was no explanation of who the parent equivalents were, and even more significantly why they didn't show up when Chase started screaming...

I also found the ending very non-believable... I'm not a Dr. but all the discussion of real-life consequences of the sort of trauma Chase had is that he'd have bled out (pretty rapidly) without MAJOR medical intervention - the bleeding from a severed erect penis is NOT going to stop on it's own.... (I understand that the ending had been rewritten...)

The look at what was going on in each of the boy's heads was probably the best part of the story (I don't think it was to long, but I very much prefer longer stories)

It was also a bit of a surprise twist. What I'd sort of been expecting was that the parent equivalents would enter the room after Chase and Evan had gotten into serious action, and given Chase the thinking he was being a predator....

For a first story you did quite well overall, I'd certainly be interested in reading any future contributions, and definitely would urge you to continue writing.

WheelyFixed

[dandelion]

I have been thinking about continuing Chase’s story, but I have not decided whether to give him back his dick and balls or not.

[dandelion]

Thank you for the detailed feedback! Now that you have pointed it out, I realized I used some poor word choice here regarding the TV sounds…. I guess “distant memories” would be far better than “distant murmur” in that paragraph, or maybe use “late parents” instead of just “parents” to make it more obvious that it’s only echoes from distant past. I wanted to include that to bring out the two brothers only have each other in the beginning and elaborate further in the story. I should have caught that when I proof-read, but I guess the trouble of proof-reading myself is that I already have the plot in my head so I glossed over important details like this.

I agree that the bleeding stopping spontaneously was a bit far-stretched. Originally the ending hinted strongly at snuff (although my intentions was to have Chase wake up the next morning if I write a sequel.) like you said I had to rewrite it to make sure Chase survived. Perhaps I could have ended it with Evan leaving the room, but that seemed too much of an abrupt stop. In the end I figured given it’s the ending, and that the story obviously did not make medical sense, I just let his bleeding miraculously stop and explain further in the potential sequel.

Again, thank you very much for your feedback! I truly appreciate it!

[WheelyFixed]

You are welcome - hope it helps.

I would suggest that not having some sort of parental unit around seems like a gaping hole as well - Evan is still young enough, and both were if the parents were killed several years ago that the government isn't going to let them be living w/o an adult in the picture....

Perhaps it would have worked to have had a reference to parental unit(s) with an explanation that they had gone out for some reason (dinner and movie?) leaving Chase as 'baby-sitter'

WheelyFixed