My gender dysphoria

[Conrad73 (imported)]

My gender dysphoria is rooted mostly in psychological and physical traumas, as far as I can tell. I will not share details but the overall picture of how I view myself with regard to gender.

I was born with a serious infection, after some trial and error and much pain they found an antibiotic that worked. I think this weakened me, was traumatic, and is evidence of low prenatal testosterone. I was much smaller than average especially before puberty. Add to that I was bullied and tormented by family members about being small weak and was accused of being homosexual and transgender. I was a runt of a boy and I wanted to be a girl. At the beginning of puberty my testicles got smashed in a “play” fight when my opponent grabbed my arms, fell backwards and pulled my crotch down onto his knee cap which was planted on ground. My orgasms contained red blood for a few days. I was embarrassed but went to the doctor 18 months later and he said I’m alright and I’ve passed several physical exams since then but my balls ache a lot and it is debilitating at times. I think that this injury did permanent damage to my testicles. Over my teens and early twenties I gradually lost interest in male to female transgenderism and just decided cross dressing and being androgynous were the most suitable things for me.

Now at the end of my twenties, I still don’t feel like a normal man. I’m still basically androgynous, but I’m becoming more like an asexual eunuch. Being a religious, celibate, eunuch is meaningful to me. I’m not sexually active and I pray a lot, and as a result my frame of mind is quite different. I’m addicted to marijuana (legal in my state) and to a lesser extent alcohol, and am trying to quit. I think that resolving some of my physical pain and gender related confusion will weaken these addictions which are probably helping with pain and depression. I don’t think that castration is absolutely necessary for me to resolve my gender related confusion, but for my pain, I’m afraid it will eventually be necessary. I am pretty sure I would like how I look and feel after castration, but as a principle, I avoid unnecessary medical treatments etc. mainly because there can be complications… I try to practice gratitude too, as a principle.

[sftineun (imported)]

Thanks for sharing your experience. I am sorry that you had to go through so much. In addition to religion, you might wish to find a therapist who is knowledgeable of gender identity. Hope all that could bring you to a happier state and help you beat your need for alcohol and/or marijuana.

[baldwin92 (imported)]

Took me years to realize my issues. Similar to your situation. I finally started with a therapist and she helped me identify my issues and really helped me deal with them. She helped me identify my gender. Which in turn was a relief. So I too would recommend seeing a therapist.