Hi, its me again. have i ever introduced myself? well here is a short into now

[dee2essohkay (imported)]

i’ve been a member here since last november i think. i am not sure i ever introduced myself. but what is most important i think its my gender identity, or genderality, which i have been struggling with for years, not because i don’t know what it is, but because i’ve tried so many times to put it into words and those i’ve told didn’t understand. they only thought i don’t know at all or just keep changing my mind. so really, my gender identity and my pronouns i believe best express who is “me”.

as i’ve behaved most of my life as if needing my genitals removed was a necessary thing, and that finally i was able to successfully express that appropriately and have an orchiectomy, one could call me a eunuch. i am ok with the terminology as existing and being used for and by people who identify as eunuchs, but it has never really fully resonated for me. nor has been being completely a trans woman resonated. i do believe that amongst these and other things, i am also a eunuch so being here feels right in this respect.

and i happened upon a word yesterday that i finally feel i can attach myself to. i’m surprised that i hadn’t thought of it sooner. you might think that by using it, it might reveal that i actually don’t know what i am, but in this word, its meaning is not that the answer is not known but that it needs to be isolated and noticed, and pinned down - at least for a moment. and as in a riddle, that can happen and still the answer may not always be evident.

so i’ve decided that my identity is enigmatosexual. i do feel there is a touch of conceit in a person who is using the word enigma, but i hope it is not too overpowering. and coming from me, i kind of shy away from notice so maybe this once it is ok to use enigma for me. enigmaticosexual to me means this: that my sexuality is difficult to hold down as being continuously consistent. you might say i’m “this” but at that point i might already be considered as “that” and then who knows, maybe i’m actually “that other” or “something else”. this is a true expression of who i think i am. using pansexual or other or some of the other choices ive seen around don’t seem right to me. so i really feel i need my own. i have strange pronouns also

my pronouns are itt and else.

itt is a word that i’ve heard used as something from somewhere but i don’t know from where. to me in is a formalization and respectful way to say it when being genderless with a person in mind. using they or them to me is actually confusing because it means plural first and foremost and that doesn’t sound right to me in the singular.

else i think expresses enigmatosexual as it does indicate that if you think me to be this, i may actually be something else. it does not require that i be any one of the many on the spectrum but that it just does not present as being fully recognizable at any given time. i also happen to enjoy its grammatical incorrectness.

i have one more pronoun which also is a word i’ve created. i presently hesitate to tell it here as it might be too identifying at a point where i’m not quite ready to reveal.

anyway, with this post, i’m hoping i am now finally properly introduced to the Eunuch Archive. happy to meet you(s).