where i fall in the M to F spectrum

[dee2essohkay (imported)]

this morning it suddenly popped into my mind that where i really fall in the male to female spectrum - what i want to call myself - is eunuch-girl. as i see it, i want to be as far away from male as i can possibly be. to me that means being as female as i can be within practicality. it is not that i want to be female (though i do) but that the determining factor is to not be male and to lose as many male features as i can. i would therefore say that i’m eunuchgirlsexual.

but that somehow does not work well and i thought i’d better put it as wouldbe-eunuch-female-sexual, but it is all so complex. i used to call myself some kind of inwardly directed male and female and had i understood that i could do the m to f transitioning when i was in my teens or twenties, i’m sure i would have done that. but living a life of self hate and self harm particularly to my genitals, and having made it to (sticking to tradition) getting married, having kids and a home and a career - all achieved through great torment that i truly wish could have been the same results through happy things instead, i clung to my masculinity even though i hated it and it put me so often in bad places.

now what i need to do is end the masculinity as completely as possible by being as female as possible, but actually ending sexuality altogether as well. it is not that i don’t want to be sexual and i’m sure i could enjoy sex if i gave it a chance, but i just don’t want it anymore.

but i want to definitely have feminine physical qualities that i can’t hide but at the same time is really just for me. to me this is how i can have myself in a safe place.

since my castration 3 months ago, my mind has been so free of the torment, yet there is still great dissatisfaction that i still have male traits. it presently seem as if i will never be able to get this changed in a medically safe environment. i honestly don’t know that even without testosterone in me anymore, i’ll be able to not try doing some of the parts removal myself. that is why i so desperately want the WPATH SOC to allow me to be in the express lane for getting this necessary work done.

i do admit that my need for femininity is as an escape from masculinity and i know there are those who will argue that i should be in therapy trying to accept my masculinity or whatever, but i have been so tormented by it for all my life, i am truly ok with getting rid of all of it completely, permanently and as soon as possible.

i’m already elderly. i don’t need sex anymore. so that means i certainly don’t need male genitals. i never needed hair. i’ve already had kids and that in itself has tired me out. i love my kids and that love fills my life enough that i don’t need more kids. yeah who wants to start a family at my age? not me for sure. so why do i need to wait even a few months? i don’t see a justification for it in my case. and it turns out i’m very happy with my orchiectomy. no regrets! that alone should satisfy the requirement. i don’t want to wait until i’m dead to find happiness. at my age it could come at any time but if happiness is to follow, i want to live to experience it.

i cry out HELP! and to answer that is to help me be at the far female end of the spectrum while not really being a woman, and getting that help as soon as possible so i can feel safe and alone in the sexual respect but able to mingle with other people and sharing friendship and the playground known as intellect. that will be joy for me. this is my place in the spectrum.

[catoboros (imported)]

Genderbread Person v4.0 Poster helped me:

https://www.genderbread.org/resource/ge ... 4-0-poster

The main idea is that sex and gender identity and gender expression are different concepts, as are sexual and romantic attraction. The other idea is that gender identity and expression can be seen as two-dimensional with feminine and masculine coordinates, so bigender and agender are different things. Much richer than a spectrum!

So, someone could be assigned-male-at-birth, transfeminine (perhaps a demigirl or similar femme-leaning identity but not a woman), have any gender expression, be asexual, and have any romantic attraction (hetero, homo, bi, or pan, or aromantic if none). Happy exploration!

[dee2essohkay (imported)]

thanks. yes, doing a lot of exploring!!!