New Japanese weight loss regimine

[JesusA (imported)]

Pudgy porkers pare pounds with new wanker's diet

By Masuo Kamiyama

Contributing Writer

Type "diet regimens" into the Google.com search engine, and you'll get over 40,000 hits. They've got the water diet, the high-fiber diet, the drinker's diet, the high protein diet, the sugar-busters diet and so on, ad nauseam.

The fact is, people plagued by persistent weight problems will try anything to lose a few grams.

Now Hanashi no Channel (May 1) offers what it claims is an ideal regimen that, while highly economical, improves muscle tone and consumes calories, while contributing to a slimmer figure. It's the "Masturbator's Diet."

The new program did not occur in a vacuum.

"In the 1980s, wanking was regarded as something for nerds to do when they weren't occupied with video games or building model airplanes," says a gentleman identified only as Mr. T. "The other guys would go off to a sex shop and pay to screw around. But then the bubble burst, and going out to get laid on a regular basis became increasingly prohibitive. So masturbating has come back into vogue, so to speak. The three main reasons why it's a good thing is that it's quick, easy and good for health."

"Yes, absolutely," agrees an unnamed urologist at a university hospital. "If you consider it only from the objective of ejaculating, masturbation is far safer than sexual intercourse. There's no worry over sexually transmitted diseases, or unwanted pregnancies. The testicles play a key role in health. If you don't feel like having sex or masturbating, it could signify some sort of health problem.

"I suppose that's why high school boys are always so healthy --- they're jerking off constantly," he chuckles. [I always suspected that was the reason. –JA]

When asked what he though about employing masturbation as a form of dieting, the good doctor notes, "An adult male consumes between 200 to 300 kilocalories during a session of intercourse --- or about the same as running the 100 meter dash.

So then wouldn't getting it off three times be the equivalent of quite a workout then? asks Hanashi no Channel's reporter.

"Unfortunately, that's not the way it works," says the doctor. "'Exercise’ must be aerobic, i.e., taking in oxygen and burning glucose or fat cells from the muscles. You need to utilize the muscles at a certain minimal level, such as by jogging or cycling, or you won't obtain any real benefits."

Has the physician, then, debunked the theory? Not by a long shot. A gentleman identified as "Mr. F.," a rugby player in his university days who works as a sports trainer, is convinced that self-abuse is the way to a robust physique.

"Once past the mid 30s, men's metabolism diminishes rapidly, yet even if they eat as much as they did when young, they don't consume as many calories while sleeping," he explains. "This causes subcutaneous fats to increase in the body, resulting in middle-aged spread.

"Exercise is the best way to reduce it," he says. "But for busy 'salarymen' who lack the time work out, I advise the masturbation diet."

Mr. F's program is not for everyone: In fact, he says, it's as strenuous as doing push-ups or sit-ups in a sauna. He cautions those suffering from high blood pressure, who are easily winded or who suffer from a history of cardiac problems.

"Don't do it in the bath," he also advises. "It's humid in there, so you might loose too many fluids from perspiration. And besides, it's easy to slip."

The ideal wanking position according to "F" is leaning back in a chair, with the heels raised about 10 centimeters off the floor. It should be continued for 4 to 5 minutes.

"This puts tension on the stomach muscles," he says. "You do it while speaking out loud for 10 seconds and then rest for 2 seconds, and repeat the process.

"Try it for a month," he suggests. "One of my pupils did and trimmed 8 centimeters off his waist."

After further instructions from "F," Hanashi no Channel's reporter worked out (if you can call it work) regularly for a week and marvelled that, sure enough, his waistline shrank by the equivalent of one notch on his belt. Thanks to the wanker's diet, he pants, he's now well on his way to a slimmer, healthier physique.

The Mainichi Daily News (Tokyo)

Tuesday, April 29, 2003

http://mdn.mainichi.co.jp/waiwai/index.html