I'd be dead if it were not for hesitation.

[kazimirmanxie2044 (imported)]

I keep feeling that I'm a mistake. I want an orchie very badly. I'm tired of self-medicating on hormones and blockers.

Things almost came to a close on friday, I had banded my scrotum with a wire tightly until its colour shifted into a purple.

I had my parts between the claw of a pair of loppers and I hesitated in a bathroom for about 20 minutes of which were the longest 20 minutes I had experienced. I got "help" by getting the attention of medical staff saying "there is a bag in the bathroom with a pair of loppers and wire I almost mutilated myself with".

They sat me down and they rang crisis team who tried to communicate with me only to insult me twice by using chromosome vision calling my therapist a woman twice without correction which pissed me of when I was already in an unstable depressive state. They let me go on the promise I had northing else to harmself with. I've been dealing with this shit for 2 years and I really can't anymore, I don't think there will be a next time where I hesitate. I need help, but I can't get the right channels for it nor do I have money to fix my broken body. I will slash my wrists the next time I get an erection because that is how much this crap effects me.

[Paolo]

It may not seem like it right now, but nothing is worth taking such drastic action over:

https://www.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines

United Kingdom: Emergency: 112 Suicide Hotline: 0800 689 5652

[kazimirmanxie2044 (imported)]

The problem is with them is that they like to dissect your personal life like its a lab frog.

They don't help, the last time I was redirected to some lgbtq charity thing who said "we are not a social club" when I was in pieces and then the same night I cut myself several times. Personally they don't help. When its a physical action that evokes an emotional response then you'd want to treat things at a physical level. I'm tired of hearing "Do you have family? Where are your parents? What are your hobbies? Do you have friends?" and so on and forth.

I've done all I have. I wish I could use a single word to describe the frustration.

I don't want a penis because a phallus symbolises masculinity I wish not to possess.

And an erection is that of a lack of control, and when it seemingly happens by itself without input, it exerts a hold over my emotions.

Its like my body is raping me. And there hasn't been a time where I haven't cried as a result of this.

Its probably going to happen again. And I won't hesitate the next time it does.

[Aunuch34 (imported)]

This is the only thing I've responded to on here but wow is it relatable... this last part made me cry of just how relatable it is "

I don't want a penis because a phallus symbolises masculinity I wish not to possess.

And an erection is that of a lack of control, and when it seemingly happens by itself without input, it exerts a hold over my emotions.

Its like my body is raping me. And there hasn't been a time where I haven't cried as a result of this.

"

But I do hope you can get help for this, and well I hope I can get there soon too but, I hope things have gotten better for you

[WheelyCurious]

A warm welcome to the forum, I hope that we can help you find workable and safe solutions to your goals.

Unfortunately kazimirmanxie2044 doesn't appear to have posted for at least a year since his account has gone to 'guest' status. I also hope things turned out well for him, but if he doesn't post we have no way of knowing.

I don't know how the situation is in PR, but a quick search shows at least a few transgender centers, and it would probably be a good idea to start by reaching out to them and asking for help. The release of the WPATH Standards of Care v.8 last year should make it far easier for you with the new chapter on Eunuchs and several of the other changes.

Going the TG center route (which I'm on) is not very fast, and involves some hoops, but has the advantage of being covered by most insurance, so low or no cost. From what you have in your profile, it sounds like your situation would work out well, since they start by wanting to do chemical castration in a lot of cases.

If you are in a big hurry, there are people in Mexico that will do surgery with fewer hoops to jump through, but that would be out of pocket and not inexpensive...

Whatever you do, please don't engage in self-harm sorts of things, there is a way forward!

WheelyCurious

[Aunuch34 (imported)]

Thanks for your consideration, even though it can be hard at times.

I will try to do it the safe way and did get started with a psychologist last year but because we where moving it hasn't really gone much places yet, but now we're settled at our new home so I'll hopefully be able to get back into it and get on my way to treatment

Also, hope things go well for you too

Also, I might make a post to put out updates about my current status with castration and other things sometime, was just wondering what to write about first though but I was planning for some time, maybe I could post a link to it when I do it here or do I just message it to you? Anyway for now I just hope things can start rolling again soon and hope things are good for you (yeah I know I said it again but... idc)

[WheelyCurious]

Thanks for your consideration, even though it can be hard at times.

I will try to do it the safe way and did get started with a psychologist last year but because we where moving it hasn't really gone much places yet, but now we're settled at our new home so I'll hopefully be able to get back into it and get on my way to treatment

Also, hope things go well for you too

Also, I might make a post to put out updates about my current status with castration and other things sometime, was just wondering what to write about first though but I was planning for some time, maybe I could post a link to it when I do it here or do I just message it to you? Anyway for now I just hope things can start rolling again soon and hope things are good for you (yeah I know I said it again but... idc)

Thanks for the kind words. I hope all goes well now that you have finished your moving.

Feel free to post whatever you feel comfortable with, we are happy to offer whatever moral support we are able to give (there are a few rules, but as long as you are nice, stick more or less to our favorite topic, don't get political, and don't ask about finding a 'cutter' you'll be fine)

A lot of folks start with talking about how they got to the point of wanting this sort of thing, or anything they have questions about, but that is just a suggestion, not any sort of rule... In essence we are trying to be a resource and support for anyone considering becoming a eunuch or even just interested in the subject.

WheelyCurious