Life of a castrated man

[Valery_V (imported)]

NonBinary Medical Transition(interview, 2016)

- How long have you been unraveling gender?

Even when I was very young and didn’t really understand gender per se, I figured I’d grow up to be not-a-man. In high school was when I started to feel a huge disconnect between my body and my self. Of course, I grew up in the 80s and 90s, when transsexuality was (even more than now) just a mean-spirited punchline in trashy comedy shows, which of course led to internalized self-loathing and a constant fear of expressing myself.

- You’ve been through primarily a medical transition as a non-binary person. Can you briefly talk about hormones: what are you taking, how much, for how long? And what changes have you seen?

I’ve been taking a fairly low dose of estrogen for quite some time – on and off starting in 2004, and full-time since 2011. The primary effects have been the growth of breast tissue and a general redistribution of body fat. Recently I went up to 4mg/day of estradiol, but that caused my blood chemistry to go out of whack and so now I’m back to 2mg/day.

For a few months in 2011 I was also taking spironolactone (a diuretic, which is used off-label as an androgen antagonist) although the primary effect of that caused me to get dangerously dehydrated and constipated.

- Talk to us about lower surgery. Which surgery did you have and why did you seek it out?

I had a bilateral orchiectomy – a removal of the testes – two years ago.

I was tired of the constant nagging feeling caused by testosterone. My time on spironolactone had proven to me that not having testosterone in my system would make me feel quite a lot better, and not being able to take it left me with this constant dismal feeling of inner conflict. Pretty much classic dysphoria.

- How long did it take from the moment you decided to pursue surgery until you finally got it?

Many, many years. I started to want it in college (late 90s), and the feelings only intensified over time. I always felt very timid about actually pushing forward on it, though, and I never really got the courage until I was living in San Francisco a few years ago.

- What were some of the biggest obstacles you encountered during the process?

The research for the actual procedure was pretty straightforward. Finding a doctor, however, was not.While San Francisco has a reputation for being queer-friendly, it’s somewhat overstated and really only there for white cisgender homosexuals. In particular, I found that doctors have issues with DMAB-based gender stuff; practitioners want to really cover all their bases and adhere strictly to often-outdated standards of care. In particular, the surgeons I talked to there refused to do anything to me without me being on androgen blockers for a whole year to make sure I was really, really sure. And of course, I couldn’t actually tolerate any androgen blockers.

When I moved back to Seattle, however, it became really simple and straightforward. Washington state doctors embrace the informed-consent model, WPATH standards had been updated [2011], and Seattle is a very trans-friendly place. My employer at the time even had healthcare coverage for transgender care, so I didn’t even have to pay very much for it! (Although I would have happily paid out-of-pocket if I had to.)

- What options or other types of medical transition were or are you considering, and why?

I’ve always been considering full genital nullification, as the hormones aren’t the entirety of my dysphoria; I also feel like having a penis is completely wrong for me. I am still considering it, although finding practitioners who will do it is difficult, and the surgery is known to have several complications as well. Another possibility is to simply get a “standard” MTF surgery and simply not bother to dilate, but that seems like a pretty big step to take as well.

Also, I still present as male at work, which means still using the men’s restroom, which in turn means having a lack of stalls – being able to pee standing up is often an unfortunate necessity (not to mention it’s also rather convenient).

I’m often considering some level of facial feminization surgery, in order to be read as less masculine, although that’s a major undertaking. I’d also like to find a good vocal coach to sound less masculine when I speak; I’d consider a procedure to modify my voice if there were one which wouldn’t destroy my singing voice.

- How do you feel about your surgery now, two years later?

I wish I had done it much, much earlier. One of the problems with testosterone is that a lifetime of exposure to it makes it very difficult to overcome its rather permanent effects. My voice and facial structure are very distinctly masculine. I had also done laser hair removal for several years – an expensive and painful procedure – and this would not have been necessary if I’d never been subjected to this.

The only dissatisfaction I have with the procedure I received is that I still have an empty scrotum, which is a specific source of dysphoria for me. I could have had it removed at the time of the surgery but if I had done that it would make MTF surgery much more difficult and I wanted to keep my options open.

- How has this impacted your life?

Everyone who knows me well thinks I’m far happier and better-adjusted since the surgery. Even the people who don’t know about it. My therapist said, “You no longer always look like you were hit by a truck.” Even my mom (who I haven’t told about the surgery) has noticed a marked improvement in my mood and outlook since then.

It also has helped quite a lot with my frustration. I’ve always identified as asexual, but of course testosterone is the primary driver of a sex drive – and while mine was weak, it was present enough and had no outlet.

On the other hand, now I’m a bit more sensitive to jokes and everyday expressions regarding male gonads. I’ve started to realize just how much American society equates virility with… well, everything implied by virility. This is especially bad working in a STEM field, where everyone who is male-presenting is also assumed to be heterosexual and cisgender, although my current coworkers are generally better about this than most places I’ve worked. I might even feel comfortable enough to come out at some point!

- How has this impacted your gender – your own identity, how you express it, how you feel about pursuing transition in other ways?

There’s an odd sociological aspect where it’s relatively easy for DFAB people to be nonbinary presenting, but for DMAB folks you basically have to go all-or-nothing. I happen to like my ostensibly-unisex mode of dress – jeans/slacks, a t-shirt, and a plaid overshirt (my therapist calls this the “PNW lesbian” look) – and I don’t really see the point in trying to look more feminine. I’m also not one to stick out or draw attention to myself; if I could just wave a magic wand and have everyone refer to me with gender-neutral pronouns and honorifics I’d be happy. It’s not something I want to fight for. I don’t want to be an activist, I just want to be me.

Also, among the non-binary folks I know, most are DFAB, and don’t have any specific desire to make a big deal about gender, but they are in situations where they don’t need to, either. People just accept them for who they are, in general. One of them actually does do low-dose testosterone and is far happier that way.

Of the DMAB non-binary folks I know, most of them are either stuck in a similar rut to me, or decided it was easier to transition to female instead of trying to be in the middle. Even my therapist in San Francisco, who was a trans man and worked a lot with non-binary people, found it very surprising to have a DMAB non-binary client; he’d only seen it in FTMs and other transmasculine people.

There’s something a bit sad about how society sees masculinization as an upgrade and feminization as a downgrade; the former is something that’s okay to play with, the latter is something that has to be all-or-nothing and gets incredibly politicized (of course, none of these are true). I’ve even been attacked by highly-political transwomen for somehow “cheapening” their struggles!

There’s a strange belief that non-binary people don’t feel dysphoria, and that dysphoria is the be-all end-all in a trans identity, and that a non-binary identity is just “playing with” gender and not taking things seriously. It’s also a bit frustrating how there seems to be a non-binary “uniform” in terms of how they are expected to dress and present themselves and even what haircut to have. Sometimes my mom even sends me links to articles entitled “This is what non-binary looks like” and asks me when I’m going to dye my hair.

- Did you ever know of or meet anyone who had a similar procedure?

Not that I know of. However, I do know several others who would like to undergo it. And, of course, I do know several MTF transsexuals who have said they really identify as neutrois but found MTF to be a path of less resistance.

- What advice would you give a non-binary person just starting out in their gender process?

Everyone’s journey is different.

What is right for one person is not necessarily going to be right for you. And that’s okay. As a society we’re just starting to remember that everyone is different, and self-expression is vitally important. It’s also okay to change your mind about things as you figure things out.

This stuff’s complicated, but it can also be really simple.

***

https://genderqueer.me/2016/03/17/fv-dm ... ransition/

[Losethem (imported)]

I identify significantly with the last post. Right down to experiencing open hostility from MtF individuals who think we're going to take away from their identity. Got news for them... This isn't pie! Just because myself and others are not seeking a binary gender transition doesn't mean we want to take theirs away. There's enough to go around for all of us. As I put it to the transwoman who was hostile towards me, I just want people to be happy, whatever form that takes.

[Valery_V (imported)]

Japanese Artist Mao Sugiyama

XJRB_Mao_Sugiyama_IMGL9210.JPG

(Photo by Christopher Jue/Nippon News)

In this photo made available on May 31, 2012 shows Mao Sugiyama posing for a photo in his neighborhood in Kanagawa, near Tokyo, Japan, on May 29, 2012. Mao Sugiyama, 22, self-described as an asexual now just 2 months old, is a cartoonist, painter and illustrator living in Japan.

Mao hated the idea of love and sex due to a series of past events relating to close people around him becoming victims of sexual crimes.

In an effort to free himself from mankind, Mao underwent a surgical procedure in Tokyo to remove his male genitals and later serve them to paying guests at a small dinner event.

He spent two years conducting extensive research about the removal of his genitals and had several sexual experiences with others prior to the surgery.

The reasoning behind Mao's idea to host an event where he would cook his male parts and serve them to guests, was he needed to earn money to help cover the ongoing medical costs of the procedure.

Five individuals consisting of men and women out of a small crowd who attended the dinner, ate Mao's specially cooked genitals.

The men, however, were not able to completely finish eating the genitals as they grew disgusted whereas the women were able to finish everything on their plates entirely.

The women commented on Mao's parts as "delicious."

With Mao being an artist that he is, his vision is to create beautiful art without the realization of being a man or woman and excluding love and sex out of his system completely.

The story went viral in Japan. Some showed even more interest, while others complained. But Calorie Lab called Japanese authorities, who deemed the banquet legal because there is no law against cannibalism in the country.

* * *

https://nipponnews.photoshelter.com/ima ... Jsa5kM9NTQ

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/asexual- ... _n_1543307

[10yeareunuch (imported)]

Thanks for sharing. Excellent, in-depth analysis of what is a eunuch, much of which I recognize in myself.